Depression From Being Excluded. Need Help. Thanks

[rawfan1989]

Hello all, I really want to thank all who has offered advice in my previous posts. Well I have a situation that I have been that I have been thanking about for a long time. Well ever since last semester February I have come to a realization that usually make a big deal out of stuff that really is not a big deal. In other words I make a mountain out of a molehill. Here it goes. I have been trying to put myself out there and trying to get out of my comfort zone with hanging and socializing with people my own age. So I have been hanging out with some of these people who I met through my cousin who is about couple of years younger than me. Well we all have ate lunch together several times. It seems like I never get to anything outside of school. There was that one time, but I was present at the time and I guess no one wanted to rude. So I thought adding people on facebook would be of some help and it turns out it seems for the most part no one wants anything to do with me there. And so we are clear I am not an A hole to anybody. I treat all people good "the golden rule." I don't even get invited by own cousin who I don't thank hates me, but I wander if I could be an embarrassment for which I don't know why. I don't do anything stupid or repulsive I am mostly quiet by nature.

 

And the point I am trying to make is this if I am trying to put myself out there and it seems that nobody wants anything to do with me, then what chance do I have finding someone or that someone find me. Right now kind of depressed from feeling being excluded. Need help please. Thanks

[rawfan1989]

Oh and I do not have the social history among them as they do with each other, I guess what you would call the new guy. If that makes any sense

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[TwelveThirty]

I can totally understand why you are starting to worry about not having the chance to find someone who will love you someday, but I can garantee you that at one point, you will find that person.

 

Okay, so you're having problems talking with people relatively of your age, so what? Why not go toward those older or way younger. You see, if everyone on this planet is different at the same age, it's even more true with people of different generations. Think outside the box. Maybe you are a bit more different, and this means you will find less people who are more likely to get along with you, but you're lucky we're in the 21st century, with over six billion people!

 

I'm telling you; if you can't find someone with similar interest and a personality that matches yours, start learning mandarin: results garanteed!

[MattW]

I don't know whether or not we have the same issues, or not, but I've always had a hard time connecting and socializing with people, as well. I mean, I have people I'd loosely categorize as friends (I say loosely, just because they're the closest I've got, not because I dislike them or anything like that), but I tend to distance myself from them, because I'm not great at conversations, or being witty, funny, or charming, or anything like that. Any time I do spend time with them, I feel like I'm just "there", and that they wouldn't really notice much if I were absent. I get the feeling that I make them feel like I don't want to be around them, or don't like them, or something like that, but it's actually the opposite; I like being around them, and spending time with them, but I just don't know how to connect with them.

 

Lately, it feels like they forget more and more to include me in things, and whatnot. Not necessarily purposely, it just seemingly doesn't occur to them. Sometimes, I also get the feeling that they'll ask me to do favors, or something, just to make me go away so they can spend time together; perhaps I read too much into it when that kind of thing happens, and perhaps they don't actually mean it that way, but I always do my best to "take the hint" and leave them alone when they do that.

 

So, I dunno. It... really sucks not being able to connect with people. I wish I could help you out in any way, but truth is, I'm still looking for answers, myself.

[ED82]

I have not looked at your other post so I am only going to talk from the information given here.

 

Getting out of your comfort zone is a good start, but what you can also do when attempting this is become someone your are not this will make you look false and people will not warm to you, getting out of your comfort zone is not changing to fit in with the people around you, its doing something you are not used to doing. What you should try to do is find people who have the same interests you do, go to a club or a meeting about things you enjoy.

 

Becoming someone you are not will not make friends, you need to surround yourself with people who are like minded people who enjoy the same things you do.

 

You say you are quiet by nature, is this to the point where you find it hard to hold a conversation? In that someone else has to drive the conversation and you just tag along, this can leave you feeling deflated and that a conversation is totally one sided this might make someone might feel uncomfortable with you. This could be one of the reasons people do not invite you, its not that they dislike you in any way but it could be that they find it hard to hold a conversation with you.

 

If you want to become a member of this group and not seek friends with like interests I would advise you to brush up on your conversational skills, learn to small talk and try and direct the conversations every so often do not always be the person who tags along. Being excluded is a hard thing to accept but do not dwell on the fact too much.

 

You can not make people like you by changing to suit them, but if you are a hard person to be around in that you make people feel uncomfortable it would be wise to find out why they feel uncomfortable and asking yourself how can I be slightly different as not to make this happen.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I connect with a lot of people but when it comes to having people to hang out with that is a different matter. I always had a problem fitting in and was/is always on the outskirts of groups. People who are on the quieter side tend to have more problems fitting in with groups of people. Sometimes it is best to find a friend or two separate from a large group. Large groups tend to have the clique mentality and don't like outsiders to join in.

[rawfan1989]

In response to ED82 thanks for helping. The thing is I try to change who I am for the better. For example, what I mean by stepping out of my comfort zone is that I am putting myself out there and trying to be more social. When I am by myself the only person, I feel more at ease. Due to some bad experiences I had in while I was in grade school, now I am 22 in college, I really did not have the same opportunities in high school like other people did. Long story short I got picked on a lot in school and I am a victim of being bullied. So I have like a fear of being singled out and being made a fool so to speak. Sometimes I do get nervous especially if there is nice looking females. The other thing is I don't have the social history among them as well so I don't know. I plan on seeking out new groups when school gets back in.

[oldenoughtoknow]

If you're having difficulty having conversations, you're not alone. Some people are simply more introverted and quiet, and some simply haven't found the right people. What are your interests? Are there "meetup" type groups in your area? If you converse with kindred spirits who share your passion for something, I think you'll find the conversation will flow with little or no effort, and you won't second guess every nuance that comes along. What are you passionate about?