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Feel so unstable and unhinged tonight

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Hi guys,



I always hate starting these threads because often I just ramble, make little sense and then feel just as lost as when I first started writing the thread in the beginning. I will try to make this post coherent and hope that it flows with a natural texture and doesn’t get swamped in my mind jumping onto the screen in a very nonsensical fashion.



Ok, recap time. I’m a heartbroken silly fool who in March was dumped. 10 days after my gf’s birthday no less. My EX and I maintained contact throughout April, and we had a very hostile situation develop at the end of that month due to me talking to some mutual acquaintance. However, in my defence I was lost and looking for support, and someone was willing to listen to me pour out my heart. Who else in the post dumpee BU situation would have turned down a free set of ears?? We did re-establish contact a few days later as I had pre-ordered a computer game for her son (which was done pre-argument) and from there over May things were looking rosy between us.



However, that is until end of May when she hacked my facebook, trawled through the messages of me talking to different people about the relationship from my POV and getting my feelings out (sometimes this was anti her but the underlying tone was always the same – I loved her and wanted her back) and also there were emails of me talking to other girls with the view to casual sex basically, or just meeting for a laugh. She took exception to this and promptly deleted several girls from my facebook and blocked a few and then went silent over tail end of May into June. At one point, end of May, I even tried to see if she wanted to come and watch Kings of Leon with me and bought tickets only for her to tell me the night before the gig she couldn’t go (I know now this was because of the facebook thing). So she then confessed to the facebook deed, and then turned it against me for saying x y and z and I then sent an email to her the following evening (last Wednesday) as I was just struggling to let her know how I feel and on top of this she is now seeing a former lover who broke her heart (he is older and when she was 17, she is currently 30, he left her proper heartbroken). So that was a kick in the teeth.


Anyways, fast forward to tonight, a week after the email and last telephone conversation, and I’m still struggling with my emotions. My head keeps taking me to dark places, trying to play out dark sick imagery of the two of them, bodies intertwined upon her bed, romping all day and night (despite the fact I know she is not a highly sexed person) and its killing me. Im struggling to stop my brain doing this to me. Every so often, it will do it and it evokes an emotional response from me and not one that I like!! Now, this is annoying me that my brain is doing this as I really want to move things forward and start to heal. Honestly, a big part of me feels that I haven’t heard the last from my ex. A few people on this site have said history will likely repeat itself and the relationship will likely eventually fizzle out. However, it still grates at my soul that she is in the situation she is currently finds herself in.


Also a new development for me is that next week im due to go to the doctors to have my “Behaviours” assessed. Bu this I mean several close people to me, family and friends, have expressed concern that I might, in a nutshell, have something wrong with me due to my inability to do with my emotions coupled with other factors i.e. constant desires to annoy people (at times I struggle to control this. I know im doing it but alas, cant stop myself), my lack of concentration and inability to keep focused on tasks as my mind tends to wander to random and often silly and pointless things and other things as well. I feel that this may have lead to me having problems in previous Thanks xAxrelationships, especially the most recent as the ex often criticised my immaturity and part of me wonders if its connected.


Going back a point, to the horrible mental imagery. How do other ENA users block that stuff out? Im curious and desperate to know as its currently killing me and making me feel like im unravelling from the inside out.

Thanks xAx

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