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Dumper wants to meet up and discuss getting back together, should I go?

lulu87

By lulu87
in Getting Back Together

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lulu87 Rookie

lulu87

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My ex dumped me a month ago, on June 11th. He had GIGS, in my opinion. He handled the breakup very poorly and told me in harsh terms he no longer loved me, that he would never be with me again, never sleep with me again, and so on. That he felt like he might find someone else who is better (GIGS, anyone?) I have moved on to the extent that I am no longer emotional when I think about the breakup, and I see clearly his flaws that I was in denial of during the relationship. I have been talking to several guys, but I am not really interested in dating anyone new right now, it seems like it would take too much energy at this point.

 

We had two conversations in the days following the breakup where he was pretty harsh with me and said we were done for good, that we never have a chance etc. Two weeks post BU, after the initial shock wore off and I had better perspective, I wrote him a long email stating my analysis of the relationship and where and why things went wrong, and told him that I respect his decision to end it and wished him the best. He never answered that email. I went completely NC after that. I suppose I initiated the NC, because I told him I was un-friending him on Facebook and that we couldn't be friends or be in contact any time soon, because it would impede my healing process.

 

Today, July 8th, he just called me out of the blue after about 3 weeks NC and started with chitchat, asking how I am. I of course told him I'm doing well. He said he is worried about me and how I am holding up and I told him that I'm doing great, thank you very much. I told him not to worry about me, I'm not sitting in my bed crying. He asked about me dating and I told him the truth, that I haven't yet but I have fielded at least 15 offers and have had no problem getting attention from men.

 

He told me about his day to day life since the breakup, and how it is boring, how he is already sick of hanging out with his "Bro" type friends, and that it has already gotten old. He said he had hooked up with someone (I asked, because he asked me) and he said it was weird and that he couldn't stop thinking of me. He said he thinks about me every day, when he wakes up he thinks of me, he has dreams about me, etc. He told me the thought of me with another guy makes him sick to his stomach. He said he will always love me and he has really been missing me.

 

He also said that he realizes that our relationship problems were mostly his fault because he has a bad temper, and he has caught himself treating his mother and brothers the same way he treated me (yelling, throwing things when mad, snapping at them). He had blamed his bad temper on me during the breakup, but he claims that he now sees that it is him that is the problem and it wasn't my fault, and that he is an a**hole. To which I would have to agree.

 

I was pretty reserved during this conversation. I asked him why he was telling me all this. I told him that unless he wants to seriously discuss getting back together I see no reason for him to call me and tell me these things, because it is going to mess with my head and set me back in my moving on process. He was getting upset during this phone call and I could tell he was emotional, which is very rare from him, so I am inclined to believe that he is being sincere. He acknowledged that what he did was really messed up and that he has been thinking about how good our relationship was the majority of the time. I said "yeah, you don't appreciate what you have until its gone".

 

He did most of the talking during this phone call, which was 30 minutes long. I just kept reiterating to him that I am naturally going to be skeptical about this and his motives. He says he wants to see me, and he then asked me if I would meet up with him at our apartment that we lived in during the school year this Sunday, and stay til Monday. He still is on the lease, and we are living with our parents for the time being.

 

So I have hesitantly agreed to go to the apartment on Sunday (its a 3.5 hour drive for me, 2.5 for him) to "talk". I am really skeptical and hesitant to commit to these plans, for obvious reasons. He texted me and asked me to "please don't back out". I replied "I don't want to be your booty call..." and then he called me again and said he wants to talk about getting back together, and that I'm not a booty call. I will tell you all right now that I am not going to be played like that, he wants to stay overnight but there is a good possibility I will not have sex with him, if it turns out that I want to try again at our relationship. That is something that he is going to have to earn back. However, if I decide I really don't want to get back with him I might sleep with him, as a one-off thing, because we all have needs haha.

 

What do you think, ENAs? I am inclined to think he is sincere. I guess it took him getting out there and seeing the single life is not all its cracked up to be to realize that he threw away something great. I just don't know what I would be able to take as proof that he has changed regarding his bad temper. If we get back together, should I require him to go to counseling? Has anyone else had a dumper come crawling back, and if so, how did you handle it?

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freiabereinsam Rookie

freiabereinsam

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If I were in your position, I would wait until he proved he really changed before thinking about traveling 3.5 hours to meet him. He was a total jerk to you, broke up with you and quickly "hooked up" with some other girl(s), and now realizes he made a mistake? Too bad! Personally, I wouldn't even consider getting back together with someone who doesn't have a problem sleeping with some other girl(s) so quickly after dumping me. Yeah, maybe he really did discover the err of his ways, but are you ready to be his guinea pig if he does try to turn over a new leaf? I guarantee it won't be easy for him and you'll have to put up with a lot of the same a**hole behavior, only maybe this time he'll accept some responsibility for it. It just depends on whether or not you're ready to go through all that. Is he really spectacular otherwise?

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DN Grand Master

DN

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If you want him back and he wants you back then don't start with a mindset of "he has to earn this or that" because that won't serve you or the relationship.

 

You need to discover together what went wrong without recriminations and resolve to fix those things so you can have a good relationship. But it has to be a balanced relationship of equals not with one person having more 'power than the other' - if you don't so this the relationship will not last.

 

He may have done things wrong but I doubt that you were perfect either - both of you need to be honest and open to change.

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sunnz Rookie

sunnz

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If you want him back and he wants you back then don't start with a mindset of "he has to earn this or that" because that won't serve you or the relationship.

 

You need to discover together what went wrong without recriminations and resolve to fix those things so you can have a good relationship. But it has to be a balanced relationship of equals not with one person having more 'power than the other' - if you don't so this the relationship will not last.

 

He may have done things wrong but I doubt that you were perfect either - both of you need to be honest and open to change.

 

I agree...

 

Too many people hold resentment and want to *show* their ex what it feels like...this does nothing to ease or help the situation all it does is escalate things into a negative way...

 

The better way is to realise we are human...we all have different ways of going about things...however rewiring your way of thinking to the positive way...really takes a weight off your shoulder...because in the long run you might

get back at your ex by holding back...but in reality all you are doing is holding on to the pain and resentment...

 

Find peace with the past and move forward together...nothing ventured nothing gained...

 

It takes only one person to break the chain of events...whether that is you or the ex...does not matter...takes one to break the cycle...because if you both are folding your arms....it's just a stand still...so essentially someone has to have the guts to step up and move it into a positive direction...

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lulu87 Rookie

lulu87

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I know exactly what I did wrong, and I always admitted my faults to him. He has a problem accepting responsibility for his actions and blamed me or whomever else was around for his misfortune or unacceptable behavior. We are really good together when we aren't fighting. In my case, I had severe mood swings from a medication I was taking, but I am not on that med any longer and I am definitely improved in that department.

 

As far as "earning" anything, he is going to have to earn my trust back because he told me that he hadn't loved me for months prior to the breakup, yet during that time period he kept reassuring me that everything would be fine when we moved out of the apt and back to our parents, that he loved me, that I was the best thing in his life, his best friend, best girlfriend ever etc. For him to suddenly tell me that wasn't the case made me feel betrayed. If we get back together it will take some time for me to trust that he is being sincere. We were together 2 years and 3 months, btw.

 

I need to know that he isn't going to just go right back to his old ways of lashing out and blaming others/me for his problems, or throwing things having adult temper tantrums. I really don't see how he could prove he has changed until we are back together, because how would I know otherwise? I think counseling would be a really good idea for him because he clearly has anger control problems in of his relationships, with his friends and family and me.

 

As far as the hooking up, I can look past it probably. He also didn't say what specifically they did, and I don't really want to know, but I'll assume the worst. He is 22 and apparently got the itch that there was something better out there and discovered that was not that case. I had similar feelings when I was his age and a little bit younger, but I also have better self control than he does and didn't act on them. I can probably forgive him, especially if it was an old flame, which to me is not as bad as hooking up with a totally new/random person.

 

Well at any rate, I guess this is proof that NC does work to an extent. I'm sure if I remained in contact he wouldn't have felt the loss the way he did.

 

 

To Freia: I was planning on going up to the apartment to get my things anyway (he assured me we were fine and that I should leave my stuff over the summer, only to dump me two weeks later, with all my furniture up there!Ugh!). I am going to go up for this meeting in my Dad's truck and move my stuff out as I had planned if I don't like where our conversation leads.

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freiabereinsam Rookie

freiabereinsam

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Lulu, since you have to drive up there anyway, I think meeting him isn't a bad idea. However, just don't let yourself get swept up by him. I've known men with temper problems in the past -- ones who won't ever accept responsibility or apologize -- and while they can be really mean sometimes, they can also be very charming if they want to be. So if he seems like a "changed man," don't get your hopes up too quickly. Just take things slow, whatever you do. You're so right that you need time to regain that trust. Good luck and let us know what happens.

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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I would not consider meeting up or reconciliation, until he had had months of counseling to deal with the anger issues. Nothing has changed, and until he decides to get some professional counseling, you will be dealing with the same problems. These are deep-rooted issues that cannot be changed in a month's time.

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

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If he used to throw things at you and yell at you - do you really want a person like this as your partner?? Also, he admitted he was bored. That's really romantic. Not "I realized I messed up, and you are the one for me" but "i don't want to hang out with my bro friends anymore. its boring. And I am using my family as a punching bag when i used to use you" is not a reason to want to get back together. I would NOT go to his apartment. It could end up in rebound/ex sex. I would meet him halfway for coffee if you want, but if it were me, and someone told me that they didn't love me anymore, I would be DONE. It wasn't like he said "you know, i have things to work out, i can't be in a relationship" - saying you don't love someone anymore is huge. I would not look back.

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lulu87 Rookie

lulu87

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Oh, no, he doesn't throw things AT people. He gets worked up when he is stressed and can't communicate whatever the problem is. He is the type that huffs around and slams doors. His father is like that too, so I think its a learned behavior. Its something that I'm used to and it doesn't bother me that much, its just really melodramatic and gets an eye roll out of me.

 

Also, remember that we are young, he is 22. I would really like him to see the counselor at our college once school resumes in Sept., because it is free for students.

 

He did say that he misses me and thinks it was a mistake, etc, not just that he is bored with his friends, and that he can't stop thinking about me and that other girls are not appealing like he had expected. It seems like it was a pretty typical and immature reason to break up. I am older than him by a few years and he felt like I was trying to push for marriage (although I wasn't) and he felt pressured, I guess. He was feeling angsty about moving back home, having the relationship be long distance (we only live an hour apart though, I don't think its a big deal), and he was also quitting cigarettes and getting depressed from withdrawals, which I think factored into his decision to break up, because he was feeling off and wasn't self aware enough to place the cause.

 

I told him that I am NOT going to be a booty call, so if that's why he wants to meet up he needs to think again. He called me after that text and said that's not it at all, he really wants to see me, and he thinks he made a mistake. I have to go up there to the apartment anyway to get my things so I'm taking my parent's truck up there. That way I can still get my stuff back if I decide I'm not feeling what he has to say. I might get my stuff (furniture, appliances) regardless because if we get back together, he could easily break up with me again and then it would be another hassle. I don't know what will come of this meeting but I am not naive and I've been in this same situation with an ex-boyfriend before, where we got back together and it lasted for 4 years after that, so I know reconciliations can work.

 

If we get back together, I am going to be very cautious and not put myself out there 100% right away. He is going to have to earn back my trust after this display of flakiness. The fact that he admitted he is the problem in all his relationships is HUGE, because before he would never accept blame for anything, literally anything.

 

I don't see what the harm is in hearing him out, and I don't really want to have that conversation on the phone. So it makes sense to go up and see him. I warned him I am not going to be played and used for sex one last time, and I am going to have boundaries that he will have to accept if he is serious about this. I really do love him and want it work out so I am willing to give it another shot, but with caution. Apparently I am more forgiving than some people.

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lulu87 Rookie

lulu87

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Hopelessincan: Thank you, haha! I feel like everyone disagrees with me on ENA sometimes. I know things weren't great between us but I think its salvageable, and when you find someone that is special to you, you don't just let it go that easily. At least, I don't think I should. Everyone has issues, hopefully with maturity he can get a handle on his outbursts. At least he admits he has a problem, thats the first step.

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hopelessincan Community Regular

hopelessincan

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you're welcome. but it all comees down to the fact that no one truly knows your relationship exept for the two of you. If you trust in your heart that he is going to try and means what he says then there is no reason not to go. In that case, I think not showing up would probably hurt him and could affect your reconciliation chances. (I know some would say well he hurt you by leaving...but two wrongs dont make a right). People do and say stupid things in the middle of a break up that they dont generally mean.

I wish I could be lucky like you and have mine profess his love but I have to settle for emails and calls for right now

 

Good luck!!

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lulu87 Rookie

lulu87

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Hey! So I went, and he says he is sorry and wants to be with me. He said he had a rebound fling and he thought of me the whole time and it was awful. He told me that he thought the grass would be greener but it wasn't at all, and that none of the people he met and talked to held a candle to me in any way. He says he was harsh with me during the breakup because that's the advice his father gave him (I assumed this) and that he will feel terrible about it forever and he doesn't understand how I can forgive him, because he doesn't forgive himself. He told me he thinks I'm "the one" and he doesn't want to be 40 looking back and regretting stupid choices that he made. He talked to his mom and apparently she is still in love with her college bf from 30 years ago and he decided he didn't want to be like that.

 

He is saying he wants to marry me and have kids and all this stuff he was totally not interested in discussing before the BU...I'm flattered but obviously I am going to take that with a grain of salt. So we are back together, I guess, but we are long distance (an hour) and his father has him working for the family company every day so getting together will be hard, and he wants me to move back to school with him in the fall. I told him I love him and will I forgive him but I won't forget, at least not two days later! But in time it should be okay, s^&* happens.

 

I am going into this with caution but I'm hopeful.

 

Yeah, nattpanter,there are a lot of Debbie Downers on here!

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