When to apologize?

[acertainseason]

My fiancee just broke our long-term engagement. He never told me about the feeling creeping in, but he claims he has been out of love with me for quite sometime. I've moved back to my home town and we've been no contact for a little over a week... except for a text of his bowling locker combination. It hurts to look around this town and know that he was here once, too, but never will be again.

 

ANYWAYS, I've realized that the move changed me into quite the horrible partner. It was the first place I lived outside of my home town and was almost 1,000 miles away. All I had was him and a volunteer job in an elementary school. I wish I had done things differently, lived it up a little more than I was willing at the time. When is the right time to begin apologizing for my ways in hopes of reparations/second chances one day? On the other hand, he was so resolute, more than I've ever saw him about anything. Should I even hope for the future? Should I just wait longer before contacting him even with apologies?

[ChellyV]

apologize, now that you have realized what caused you being you. just be ready for what he has to say. sometimes they do need some alone time.

[RedDress]

You know... I've always hated the "falling out of love" line. It's basically an easy way to tell you nothing.

 

Honestly? I wouldn't start apologizing for being a "bad partner". Those things you are talking about? Maybe it's not that. Maybe it's that he met someone else and is confused about his feelings. Maybe it's that he doesn't like the way you chew and he just can't stand it anymore. Maybe it's that your parent's drive him nuts and he just can't envision himself in your family.

 

I think that rather than trying to figure out what went wrong with no information and spending your energy apologizing for stuff that might not even apply... I think you should speak to him and try to figure out what is behind what he's feeling.

 

But... if he can't communicate stuff like this? I don't see how you could have a marriage... He needs to learn how to communicate what's bothering him instead of using vague terms and forcing you to guess...

 

That's my slightly annoyed (at him) opinion - but just because it's a pet peeve of mine. LOL!

[TwelveThirty]

What is it you would have been willing to do at that time? Do you admit this because it's what he asked of you, or because you had the feeling he wanted of you, or because you would want things to be different now that you see through the truth he gave you?

I think you have to find out if what you've done was wrong in your eyes in the first place. But that is independent to wether or not you should apologize. In this case, I think that as ChellyV suggested, there isn't anytime too early, especially since he revealed it to you only at the end. The only thing is that maybe should you give yourself more time than to give him some time... make sure you understand well your reasons to feel guilty when he hasn't actually given the hint anytime earlier to give a chance to the relationship to continue.

[Oasiswater]

I read this thread about 30 minutes ago, and I've spent the entire time thinking about whether I should contact my ex or not. She, just as many others, gave me the "I'm not in love with you anymore," line.

 

I thought about it, and I thought about how I'd be able to find out where I went wrong, and why she fell out of love with me. I'd be able to make right on all of those bad things, regardless of whether she's in my life or not.

 

Then, after a little while, I started thinking about why i SHOULDN'T.

1) It's been weeks, and she hasn't reached out to me since the breakup. Maybe it's because I told her not to, but if she wanted to, she would.

2) She's happy in her decision to remove me from her life

3) If I initiate communication and she ignores me, it will only make me feel worse

4) I'm secretly hoping that it'll allow us to get back together, and that's not only unrealistic, but unhealthy

5) People don't change in such a short amount of time. I was very unhappy in the relationship and begged her to let me go. If we get back together, nothing will change.

6) She has broken my trust, and I've proven her to be a liar on multiple occasions

7) I love her, but she doesn't respect me

8) It will reset my healing

9) I know I deserve much, much more than she's ever given me.

 

Clearly my list of cons heavily outweighs the pros. Maybe you should do the same for yourself before you make any hasty decisions.

[Capricorn3]

You can apologize if it makes you feel better, but don't do it with the expectation that he'll come back. You could be setting yourself up for great hurt/disappointment. If you want to apologize, so as to bring closure for yourself, and to help you move on, then go for it.

[acertainseason]

Invaluable responses, thank you so much everyone!