No friends. Sorry for the long message, but NEED HELP.

[wicked6018]

This situation depresses me so much.

 

As a child, I had plenty of friends. Then, starting about junior high, i changed schools and had none. I was teased a lot. It was a rough time. Things got much better in high school. I made friends, not a huge group, but I did have a best friend and my own little "group," complete with sleepovers, secrets, memories, everything.

 

The few friends i had in high school changed a lot and we drifted apart when we started college. But during my second year at college, i had the most wonderful roommate and we became BEST friends. She is really my kindred spirit. We would do everything together. This past December, she graduated early from college, leaving me with another year and a half to go. It was SO depressing. She is still my best friend. We talk/facebook nearly every day, and we write to each other, but it is not the same as her being here.

 

I consider myself an extremely nice person; I am nice to everyone, in fact. I don't think that I'm judgmental at all; I'll be friends with anybody. I don't care what someone looks like or where the came from or anything. I don't care if they are popular or if they a the biggest nerd. I always show interest in other people and ask them questions about themselves, trying to get to know them. I ask people if they want to hang out, but no one ever shows any interest at all. In fact, there are a handful of people that have been downright mean to me, so after trying very hard to get along with them (because they are my fiance's friends,) I gave up. I will NOT deal with mean people.

 

I just don't get it. What am I doing wrong? I have really gotten to the point to where if somebody isn't going to reciprocate kindness to me, I'm not going to keep trying to pursue a friendship with them.

 

I have wondered at times if I am too nice; if people would show more interest in me if I were mean like they are...if I was gossipy, dramatic, etc. But that's just not me.

 

I don't want to sound conceited at all when I say this, but I sometimes feel, and have been told even by others, that people may be jealous of me. I do consider myself attractive, I've received honorable rewards as a pianist at my school, etc. BUT, i do not flaunt these things. Like i said before, i am nice to EVERYONE and i don't consider myself better than anyone. There have been so many times lately where i have just thought to myself, "maybe i should just start being mean, and make myself look really ugly, and gossip, and be a drama queen, and be rude to people. Maybe then I'd have friends."

 

it is so hard walking through life, especially since i am supposedly in the "prime" of my life right now, without friends. I envy girls that have their own little group, or even just one or two girlfriends to hang out with.

 

Don't know what else to do. I'm nice to everyone. I talk to everyone. I ask people if they want to get together. What else in the world could i possibly do??!!

[Mephisto13]

Stick it out for that year and a half and don't change a thing - except maybe being a little less nice, to not be taken advantage of.

 

I can tell you straight that after school, most of those mean girls in those "clicks" are the ones who will remember school as the best time in their lives because, let's face it, it was. They have nothing to bring to the real world...so they will pine for when they were "popular".

 

I'd hang out with other people than try to emulate them. How about someone who likes music, especially piano/classical?

[oldenoughtoknow]

From what you've written, I would guess that you may be trying a bit too hard. Attracting friends isn't done by immediately offering acts of kindness. Attracting friends is done by talking and letting your personality shine. You're not going to become friends with everyone, but at least people can see who you are. If you're trying to "nice" your way into a friendship, it won't work.

 

Think about it from the other side of the conversation. Are you a person who mostly listens to conversations and rarely adds anything? Do you have a strong tendency to quietly agree with what's being said? Do you offer help to people you've just met? That's not shining, that's disappearing into the woodwork. That's not letting people see who you are, and it comes accross as really boring.

 

When you talk to new people, tell them your real opinion, crack a few jokes, tease them about something. Don't be so afraid of saying something that may offend someone. Instead, try to elicit an emotional response from them. Whether they end up liking you or not, at least they know who you are and can make an informed decision as to whether they want to see more of you.

[chatelaine]

During college, most girls are so busy confusing on their education and other life pursuits that making new "best friends" is usually is pretty low on the totem pole. I was more interested in having friendly acquaintances to go shopping or go out to lunch with than complicating my life with ettyfemale friendships, that honestly can be full of redundant drama. This is probably why a lot of people you're meeting aren't interested in getting to know you on a very personal leveult female friendships just aren't like that -- that's HIGH SCHOOL. Adult women have lives that don't just revolve around their social goings on.

 

Instead, why don't you try to join a book club, amateur sports team, scrap booking club, online forum about an interest, or other venue where you can get to know people on an acquaintance level basis first? I'm sure you'll find some people that you can get to know over an extended period of time.

 

Also, get rid of the chip on your shoulder, and don't assume people are jealous of you. If you assume that they are without knowing for sure, that IS being conceited.

[wicked6018]

as far as what conversations are like for me, i am always, and i mean ALWAYS the one who starts conversations. no one would talk to me otherwise. and when i do start talking to people, the majority of them just act like, "why are you talking to me?" so, like i said, i've gotten to the point where i'll try, but i'm not going to KEEP trying like i always have. now i just think to myself, screw them and it's their loss if they don't want to say two words to me.

[wicked6018]

i'm not assuming that they are before i get to know them, i'm saying that i've tried to think of everything that i can that would make people not want to be my friend, and i've been told that that might be a reason. i guess i might try to join an online forum or something like that. what you said about how you wanted to have more of "acquaintances" to go shopping/to lunch with, rather than "friends," well, i don't even have any of those. i don't have anyone that i can just call up and say, "hey, want to go to lunch?" let alone anyone who would call me and ask. One thing i've noticed is that people that are older, and i mean at least twenty years older than i am, seem to be much friendlier. Wish i'd been born in a different decade.

[a123]

Hey, I can relate to how you say people act toward you. From reading your posts it sounds like you're a really nice person who's tried to be sociable but not got a good response. Maybe you're just not similar to most of them. It annoys me when people my age are dramatic and gossipy, I get on really great with older people most of the time. So, maybe you (and your best friend) are more mature, more together kinds of people. The people who act uninterested in you might be caught up in high school thinking still and want friends that are just as immature. It's not easy when you don't want to be lonely, but try making friends online or in interest groups, keep spending time for your hobbies to entertain you, generally look after yourself and make sure your life is good in other ways. If friends don't develop from online/social groups, they will with time, maybe when people get a little older or out of college.

[Blue Skittles]

I tend to find that friends come and go in life. I would suggest being yourself and find things to entertain yourself, join a club or community group or something. Thats always a great way to meet new people. Do you have family that you keep in touch with that you are close to? I've met good friends through work, school, and family, and kept some of the good friends I had from highschool. Sometimes it is lonely cuz these people aren't always available to talk or hang out, but they are always there for me when I need them.

[wicked6018]

thanks so much for your advice. really hoping i'll make friends someday soon, cause i need them. it's so hard being alone, and i don't fee like i deserve that.

[Java731]

Hey wicked6018.

Do you have an email address I can contact you at?

I tried to PM you, but I can't for some reason.

[Java731]

Wicked, I used to feel the way you feel about friends.

I had these "moments" in life where I felt like I had my best friends, but eventually, each and every one seemed to disappear from my life gradually.

One day, I felt as if my life was so meaningless, because I had no one friend that I could really just lean on, talk to, laugh/cry with.

It seemed as if everyone was too busy for me.

I can go on and on about my story but I will get to the point.

You know, friendship, just like any other relationships, continue because of effort made by both sides.

I'm not so proud of this, but I can say that, looking back, I have pushed my friends away when I started focusing too much on my relationship with my boyfriends.

It was unconscious act on my part, but was presented as if I didn't care about them.

But then I know, there are friends that understand and that don't understand.

The things about life is.... friends come and go. People come and go.

Those that do stay are in your life for a reason. And those are the people that you want to focus on.

I hope that made sense. =)

[wicked6018]

yes, it does. thanks for your kindness. all of this is made much worse by the fact that my fiance broke up with me four days ago. now, i truly have no one.

[hazelnut321]

You shouldn't want to be friends with just anyone. Some people-(especially women, sorry), can be catty and backstabbing.

 

I had to move to Atlanta without knowing a soul here. It TOTALLY sucked. It took a while to meet some good friends-and thank God I have. But be discriminating- Drama queens- who needs them anyway? When people see that you don't have desperation that I sense you have, their reaction to you will change.

 

I've learned to do things on my own. I had sushi yesterday at my favorite place. Last week I went looking for a mid-century desk solo. I've got lots of friends, but my own company is wonderful too.