Bad day.. feel really let down & upset..

[FrancisHouseman]

in 2009 I gave birth to my first child and I met lots of friends through ante natel classes. over the first year of my child's life we would meet twice a week for lunch at each other's house, taking turns or we would go to the park for picnics, we would share everything with each other, being up all night, arguing with partner's, the reality of motherhood versus the fairytale dream we had envisaged and i found certain people in our 'group' to be my closest friends full stop and began confiding in them and speaking to them on an almost daily basis. I actually moaned to my partner than when I send a text ranting about something or other to a group of friends, my longest/closest friends (for over 20 years) never or rarely reply and certain friends I have only known a couple of years are always there for me. Since then I have had another child and when i was pregnant my ante natel friends were constantly telling me how they would be there for me and around all the time helping, "we'll help you with your shopping, we'll take your eldest to the park so you can catch up on sleep in the day with your littlelest etc...." I gave birth at the end of 2010 and they all popped around with gifts and then I rarely if never saw most of them again. I invited them around for coffee mornings and we all live locally and they know that I am a full time stay at home mum, granted most of them returned to work part time, but they never came, and I never got invited to their houses on the days in knew they werent working.

 

I kept sending group texts out saying 'let me know when anybody is free to meet up, picnic in the park or coffee at mine, or I can come to you, whichever is easiest!!, I'm always here : )!!!" and sometimes I wouldnt even get a reply, or i would get one a few days later saying "sorry busy this week, hope you and your children are good?! see you soon!!! miss you lots xx" and that would be it. If they made plans with me and had to cancel they would never say "I cant do today sorry but how about next week?" just "cant make it today see you soon..."

 

We needed to move house this year to escape nightmare neighbours and even though the area we live in is really expensive, i told my partner it was non-negotiable, that i wanted to stay here to be close to my friends because it was lonely enough being a full time mother without having to give up the few friends i had.. we moved locally and our rent is hundreds and hundreds of pounds more expensive than it would have been to move to areas just as nice but that would be train journeys away..

 

since we have moved (february) I have seen three of my ante natel friends, ONCE, for an HOUR! and i invited them here! they havent once invited me to theirs, i tried arrangeing a night out over summer and only got a reply off a couple of them, the rest didnt even reply to say "Yes or no" anyway one of them, who i considered to be the closest to me in every sense gave up work recently and told me she couldnt wait to spend more time with me.. i have been excited at the prospect of having a friend being at home too again and how we could see more of each other and our children see more of each other, she gave up work two weeks ago and i have yet to see her.. she invited me to her house today, she texted me tuesday and asked which day suited me, i said Friday, she said that she was free all day and to let me know when is best for me. I said after lunch is perfect. we agreed. i texted her yesterday to check it was still on so i could pack the changing bag and make sure i had everything ready for my two children so we could just set off after lunch, the said "yes see you tomorrow" she told me she was off out with her friends for a night out last night.

 

I actually sent a long text to her telling her how hurt i have felt recently and abandoned and am i being paranoid but has our friendship changed and that i miss her loads and miss how we used to be... she just replied to say i was being paranoid and she would see me tomorrow (today). So this morning I got up, washed and dressed the kids, had a shower, did my hair, fed the kids and set off walking (takes about 40 minutes) it began raining the minute i left the house and I could barely hold a brollie whilst pushing a massive double buggy. by the time i arrived at her house i was soaking and my eldest was desperate for the potty. I rang the doorbell and her husband answered and just looked at me like i was a strange, I said "hello?! is she in then?" and he just said "she is in bed poorly.." (hungover!! more like, I know that she was out on the wine last night!!) I said "You're kidding?!" he said "no" I said "I just walked all the way here in the pouring rain?!" he said "oh" that was it?!! so I said "well I better let me eldest have a wee before heading back" my child was confused asking if they could get out of the buggy now and play and I sat them on the potty on the doorstep because i wasnt invited in!! and after they had finished peeing, i said "okay then bye" and had to put her back in the buggy protesting loudly and crying and not understanding why and my 'friend's' husband just said "safe journey back" and shut the door on me!

 

she hasnt even rang or texted to apologise yet and its 7.30pm in the evening?!!

 

I don't know what has happened and i feel devestated that we are paying really expensive rent and living on the breadline to stay in this area to be close to people who don't care about me? my heart is breaking

[annony]

It's a common problem. I moved to another country based on false promises of help with my children from my family...

 

In general, I think people mean well, but are intimidated by children

[Mephisto13]

Sorry, I just get the feeling that they don't want to hang with you anymore, but no one has the balls to pull the trigger and tell you. So they are giving you hints, making you jump through hoops until you "get it". Unfortunately, that's only going to hurt you more and more because you're left wondering.

 

Best thing is to forget them. Stop asking for reasons, they are going to lie.

 

When I couldn't handle my own wonderings (why did she cheat on me? are they doing it right now?)...and it was driving me crazy, I just picked the worse one I could think of (they are doing it all the time, every day, every way!!), stuck with that in my mind (I didn't care if it was true or not...I just felt that I needed a reason to get myself to do something about it) and built from there.

 

You wouldn't want ppl like that in your life anyway. It sucks, but I'd forget about them...and focus on trying to find other people. There are many organizations and community events/activities that involve children and parents. I'd check them out on your city's website!

 

Good luck!

[FrancisHouseman]

It's a common problem. I moved to another country based on false promises of help with my children from my family...

 

In general, I think people mean well, but are intimidated by children

 

Yeah my partner says things like "people say one thing and mean another"

 

When I was pregnant with my first my mum used to go on about how she couldnt wait to have a grandchild and would i let them stay at her house and let her look after them and how it would be a thrill for her rather than a favour for me and blah blah. I used to say "would you babysit when we get married?" and she would say "of course!! i dont drink anyway so I am happy to go home and look after your child while you enjoy your wedding do and i would LOVE to look after my grandchilod i cant wait!!"

 

My inlaws are rubbish and dont like kids so i used to say to my partner we would be lucky with my parents because they LOVE kids. They live far away though... anyway one weekend we went and stayed in a caravan close to where they live and my mum was due to babysit one night so me and my partner could go out for a meal. I was heavily pregnant and we wanted to spend some time together as a couple before baby number 2 came. anywayyyyy we were planning on spending the day going to a nice beach and taking our daughter with us and anyway we overheard my mum telling her friends that she had booked the day off work to spend it with her grandchild!! so we felt guilty and my partner said "look wnhy dont we ask your mum to have her in the day for a bit too? she would love to, she wants to spend time with her" so we asked my mum "do you want to look after her then tomorrow day for a couple of hours while me and my partner go for lunch?" she said "ohh what time? I am getting my hair done and blah blagh.....I'm not being funny but but I am not looking after her in the evening as well!! I am not spending my day off work babysitting!!"

 

* * * ?!!! it drove me insane!!

 

She has now stated "why should i miss my daughters wedding babysitting?!!" when she knows we have no one else to have the children and there isnt much point in having a big wedding celebration if there is no one to look after the children in the evening!! people say anything until you actually expect them to follow through..