What a week with a new girl...too bad I found out she is married!

[Live-N-Learn]

Many of you know my story so I won't go into it accept to say that after a year and a half of going back and forth with my ex I am close to being over her completely. I never thought this day would actually come. However, here is what happened last week that really helped.

 

A group of friends and I went out dancing a couple of weeks ago and I saw this girl and immediately was attracted to her. I went up to her and spoke to her for a few minutes then walked away. After a little while her friends and my friends were all hanging out together having a great time. Her and I were an item the rest of the night. We had a small after hours party at my house and she ended up spending the night and we slept together.

 

This was not like all the other girls I had met after my ex. I really liked this girl a lot and she really liked me. It was mutual, not like my ex. It felt so good to feel what it is like when two people care about each other the same. I never felt this before. Anyways, she left in the morning and called me and said she had something she needed to tell me. I immediately said, your married aren't you. She said yes and went on to explain her situation.

 

I guess she has been married for 4 years and all 4 years have been bad. She told me that her dad asked her before she walked down the isle if she wanted to just jump in the car and leave. She said no. She went on to tell me the only reason she was out last night is because she has been living in a rehab center for bulimia and will be getting out next week to go home to hubby. I guess she has it under control now.

 

She went on to say the only reason I am telling you this is because I really care about you and don't want to hurt you more than I probably already have. I told her that this is not a good situation and it will need to end unfortunately. She then asked if she could at least see me for the rest of the week before going home. Honestly you guys, I knew it was wrong but I said yes.

 

We saw each other every day until this past Monday. It was amazing! I have never got along with and connected with a girl in my entire life like I did her. She told me the same thing. My friends all said what the two of you have is really special and that they wish someday in there lives that they will have the connection and chemistry they saw between us.

 

Well on Monday we said our goodbyes and deleted each others phone numbers. I told her she would never hear from me again out of respect for her marriage. She then told me she knew how to get a hold of me and would only reach out to me if she becomes single. I told her not to leave her husband for me. But if she does leave and I am available I would most likely date her.

 

I am leaving out a lot of details but just want to say that this little affair which was not planned taught me a lot about what I want in a relationship and helped me to realize how unhealthy my relationship was with my ex.

 

I know continuing to see her after I found out she was married was wrong. However, I do not regret it. I knew it was only going to last a week. I don't know if she will actually leave her husband or not. I think she might but I made it clear that she should not leave him expecting me to be there. She said if she leaves she will leave for the right reasons.

 

I am sad that she was married because I think we could have had something really special. Although I may be a sad I am also thankful I met her. I have no desire to reach out to her while she is married. She has to come to me. I am moving on and continuing my life with no expectation of ever hearing or seeing her agian. I am not pininig after her or heartbroken just sad.

 

I honestly never thought I would meet someone that I cared for and liked more than my ex in every way. It was a real fear of mine. Now I know there are better women out there. I just hope the next one is not married! ](*,)

[dodgedabullet]

Bulemia ( GROSS!!) and married too!!. You sure know how to pick them. I wouldn't run to the hills from this one, I would run to the mountains to stay clear.

[Eocsor]

Wellll, if she'll do it to her husband, she'll do it to you as well. So unless you want to set yourself up for more heartbreak, stay clear.

 

Plus, SHE"S MARRIED. You've been through enough crap to know how painful infidelity must be so why perpetuate that on some other poor guy. I know you are hurt and lonely, but you should really be making better choices.

[Carus]

Well that was unfortunate but yes, it's nice to feel warmth in your heart again*

 

2 years out from my ex I re-met a gorgeous girl...We've known each other for years but never been together...Well this time the timing was right and we were seeing each other...took it kinda slow, all that...She is very inteligent and very emotionally mature....and yes, I felt real love for her*

 

Anyway, it lasted 5 months and then she carried out her plan of moving to Europe...

 

However, like you say, great to know that we will love again....if the opportunity arises*

 

I also had a little bit more closure of sorts this week LNL*...Check it out..>>

 

Good to 'see' you mate*

Carus* 8-)

[DN]

I told her she would never hear from me again out of respect for her marriage

Too late for that.

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, I knew many of you would hammer me for continuing to see her the rest of the week after I found out she was married. I am OK with it. It's easy to judge people when your not in their shoes. I also knew many of you would look down on her for cheating. Sometimes life is not as idealistic as you may like it to be. It's good to see though that we have a board full of morally righteous people.

 

I guess the point of this whole post would be to say that there is someone better than your ex out there even if you don't believe it.

[DN]

It's not idealistic to refrain from cheating or to 'disrespect' someone's marriage. Nor is it hard.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I haven't quite figured out how she is better than your ex...after all, she cheated on her husband, only told you she was married AFTER she had sex with you, and wanted to continue meeting up with you. I think you need to raise your standards, because this woman is no prize.

[Live-N-Learn]

I understand what you are saying but I am not her moral compass. I too am not as judgmental and idealistic as some on this site. I was in a 10 year loveless marriage and know how lonely and frustrating it can be. I am not going to judge her for what she did or say that she is a morally horrible cheating wife. Sometimes things happen in life that we do not expect. She did not go out that night planning to cheat on her husband.

 

Just because we continued for a week does not make her any worse a person in my eyes. She made it clear that it would be over after a week so that she could get back home and figure out if she was going to continue trying to make her marriage work or get a divorce.

 

Yes, I should have cut her off after I found out. But, I chose not to since I knew it was only going to last a few more days. I am not trying to justify my choice but only to say that our connection was really special or I would not have agreed. I believe it was the same for her or it would have never happened.

[Eocsor]

The only sympathy I have for anyone here is that womans husband. Poor schmuck.

[Cheetarah]

I hardly think you got the tongue-lashing I was expecting('course, this is still a new thread) to see.

 

I hardly see how she is 'better than the ex' when she's married and having a tete-a-tete with you. I think that in your desire to fill the void again, you are overlooking/brushing aside some really key stuff, being caught up in the feeling of "Oooh! I actually feel a little something for a person again." But you've made it into something so much larger than it was - This woman doesn't care about you. She doesn't even know you. But she was attracted to you, you her, and I could see how this could be mistaken for something more when you're vulnerable(or even when you're not). Do you see what I'm saying?

 

Also, I can't believe you said "If you're ever single, look me up." Oi! Can you even imagine what your relationship would be like with her?

[DN]

I too am not as judgmental and idealistic as some on this site.

Well, from my perspective that is something people say when they want to be excused for unethical or immoral behaviour.

 

In your place I would not be worried so much about her moral compass as your own. Unless of course marriage vows mean nothing to you and it is OK to be a part of someone breaking theirs.

[Glowguy]

I really think you are looking at this through rose colored glasses. It's good that you have told her upfront that you won't be seeing her again because I can guarantee this would have ended extremely messy. I hope for your sake that you stay far away. She sounds like a trainwreck to me and I highly doubt your friends would want any kind of chemistry with a married woman who is in rehab. When you look back at this in a few months I think you will have a different perspective.

 

Focus on the single gals. There are plenty of them out there. And yes, I think what you both did was wrong and she was probably blowing smoke up your a**. Never trust a cheater. Her husband might be a total sleezebag but it's her own fault for marrying him and it's her own fault for cheating on him. You both made poor decisions period. I hope you wake up and learn from this.

[browneyedgirl36]

L-N-L, I'm not going to "hammer" you for what you did -- though I do think it was morally wrong, regardless of how bad her marriage might have been. That's my moral code, and I understand that others might have different ones.

 

My concern is about your feeling that this girl is so special after only a week of knowing her. From an outsider's more objective perspective, she looks like a very troubled person who does not know what she wants. I'm not judging her for having bulimia, but it's a pretty serious thing, and getting into a marriage that she had significant doubts about and then staying in it and having a fling with another guy for a week (and not telling him she was married before beginning the fling, which is very dishonest) and getting pretty attached to him only to go back to her troubled marriage does not spell a healthy person. Note, I did not say that she's a *bad* person -- I have no way of knowing that (and really, neither do you, as you barely know her), but her behavior, from what you've posted here, is not that of someone in an emotionally healthy place. The fact that you think this experience is positive concerns me; it seems like you got involved with another emotionally troubled person -- like your ex -- and that you're in danger of continuing a pattern.

 

I do agree with you though, that at least one good thing came out of this -- that you realized that there are other women out there, and that your ex wasn't so great after all. I just caution you to really work on how to have relationships with healthy people -- people who are available -- emotionally and otherwise -- to have meaningful relationships, and that you really consider why you might be attracted to women who have a lot of issues. (I know we all have them, but some people's are far messier and more difficult to overcome than others.)

[AvonRepus]

Well,many of use here have been cheated on and I am sure at some point we hoped that the third person had the guts and the values to say no and respect somebody's else relationship or marriage. Isn't it sad to give a stranger that much power over your love story.

 

Anyway,

 

I see what's your point,you felt something,but don't you think that all of these taboos made the story even more romantic and passionate. She's married,therefore you can't be together officially,she's leaving,the unfinished love and all that. The affair gives a certain exotic spice to our lives,the taste of the forbidden fruit and that makes it more exciting.

 

The bulimic part of the story can't be neglected as well.I don't know if you had the chance to communicate with people that have been through something like this,but it's no easy. They are sick,they have a disease in their hearts and there are issues that need time and really hard work to be resolved.

 

I know after being in a relationship with a drug-addict that I will never settle with another person like this. We all have our flaws and burdens but you can't ignore something significant like this.

 

Anyway,good to know you felt your heart racing again.

 

Wish you all the best and keep on living.

[Live-N-Learn]

I see what you are saying and it makes sense. Either way, it was nice to feel something for someone and have them feel it for me as well so strongly even though it was wrong. I went through hell the last year and a half with my ex and part of me could not walk away from the feeling we provided each other.

 

Just a little story. My mom was not proud of it but she had an affair once and a few years later they both got divorced and were married for 30 years til he died lasts December. It was the best relationship I have ever seen. They really loved each other. So, I am not saying this is my case if she ever does get divorced and seeks me out, but it could happen.

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, from my perspective that is something people say when they want to be excused for unethical or immoral behaviour.

 

In your place I would not be worried so much about her moral compass as your own. Unless of course marriage vows mean nothing to you and it is OK to be a part of someone breaking theirs.

 

DN, I am not saying what I did was right. Just saying that it was the perfect storm. I have never done this before and don't plan to again. I know that I am still vulnerable from all the hurt my ex put me through and being cared for by someone like she did me, and having the feelings I had for her were just too much to resist. I needed it and wanted it. I'm not proud of it but in some ways I am glad it happened.

[dodgedabullet]

I think you have sunk to a new low. I can't believe you bought her story about not wanting to get married blah, blah. Hope that her husband doesn't come and kick your ass. People get murdered over this kind of stuff. Can't believe you would open yourself up to that possibility.

 

I think it is time for you to stop with the "being vulnerable" card now. What you just did was mess with someone's marriage and that is never a good choice. You just bought a hell of a lot of pain for a man you never met.

 

Tell you a little story..... About a decade ago, I had a mad crush on a woman who was married. I never got the chance to act on it tho, thank God. Well, I just learned that they just got divorced recently....How do I know this. The ex-husbands's obituary was in the paper. Apparently the divorce and losing his kids etc was so devasting that he killed himself. Shocked the hell out me. Come to think of it, if I had tried harder back then to get involved with the wife, who is to say he wouldn't have murdered me. He had it in himself to shoot himself dead, so why not someone else?

 

Moral of the story.. Be VERY careful when messing with other people's relationships. It is NOT your place to interfere. Only date people who are free of other entanglements.

[Live-N-Learn]

You make some very good points. I your are most likely correct that she is a mess. I really don't know her at all accept to say that it was an awesome week with her. We had so much fun and it was hard to walk away after I found out. I should have walked away. Nonetheless, I will never talk to her again and I am OK with that. I do appreciate everyone's input and I a not trying to justify what I did. It was wrong. However there is a part of me that is thankful it happened. It helped me get over my ex.

[AvonRepus]

Well stories like your mom's are mostly the exception not the rule.

 

I wish people had a radar for the lies that married people tell. "Me and my wife don't get along","She lost interest in me long time ago" , "We are together just for the kids","I married too young".

 

I like the way you said "the perfect storm" it sounds nice and passionate.And I feel a little jealous that you had the chance to experience something like this. Instead I had a dream I am having sex with Frodo from the Lord of the Rings.

[Live-N-Learn]

Your right and I see your point clearly. I got caught up in the feeling she provided me and put aside my better judgement. I did not go into this knowing she was married but should have walked away the moment she told me. I guess knowing it would only last a few more days stopped me from doing the right thing. I guess I justified it to myself and was caught up in the moment.

 

I deserve to have my a.. kicked. I get it.

[dodgedabullet]

 

Just a little story. My mom was not proud of it but she had an affair once and a few years later they both got divorced and were married for 30 years til he died lasts December. It was the best relationship I have ever seen. They really loved each other. So, I am not saying this is my case if she ever does get divorced and seeks me out, but it could happen.

 

Ok, now I get it. You are already thinking that you would like to marry this woman. Wow...putting the buggy before the horse a little fast aren't we. There is absolutely no way that you can know a person's character within a week. Fairy tale thinking is just going to put you in a new hole.

[Sagreras]

Just saying that it was the perfect storm

 

Perfect Storm: The term is also used to describe a hypothetical tornado that happens to hit at a region’s most vulnerable area, resulting in the worst possible damage by a hurricane of its magnitude.

 

All sailors beat a hasty retreat when confronted by a maelstrom of this magnitude at sea. You have to ask yourself why you've decided to chase storms rather than avoid them.

[HeartGoesOn]

LNL...What happened to the lessons you've learned, which you posted on the last page of this thread?

 

 

 

Apparently you've taken two steps forward, and ten steps backwards. I think you may be headed for a major crash, unless you seek professional help, and can make wiser and more mature choices.

[Live-N-Learn]

LNL...What happened to the lessons you've learned, which you posted on the last page of this thread?

 

 

 

Apparently you've taken two steps forward, and ten steps backwards. I think you may be headed for a major crash, unless you seek professional help, and can make wiser and more mature choices.

 

IDK, I am starting to see everyone's point here and wish I would have cut her off after she told me she was married. I guess I justified it cuz I knew it would only be a week and it felt so good. I'm messed up and have lost my morals and ethics. I guess I have really fallen to an all time low.