Should I believe him?

[katien]

Hi everyone, my boyfriend and i went on a break about 6/7 months ago. He wasnt sure if he wanted to be in the relationship anymore as we are young and its been long term. The break only lasted a month and we were getting back together when I found something out. When we first went on the break i found out he had been texting another girl alot. I confronted him and while we were getting back together he explained it as he was feeling miserable about himself and our relationship and it was nice to be impressive to someone again and be liked, and ego boost I suppose. I thought that was that, however when we were getting back together (seeing each other again, happy with each other etc) i looked her up on fb and saw her pic was one of them together, just a normal photo, but I had hoped she was a brief flirtation and was very shocked. I told my boyfriend i had seen it and he admitted that the week before he had gone on a date with her and went back to her house and made out. He said he couldnt go through with anything more and left. This none the less devastated me. I made it clear that if he ever wanted to reconcile with me he would have to end it. He did but was still working on a project with her, so I suspect they remained on friendly terms. It was in february when I found out and we took some time and are slowly rebuilding our relationship now. We have been getting on well and I thought that we had the potential to have a better relationship this time around. However I am still insecure about what happened and looked at her profile a few times since. Yesterday I looked and she has the photo of them both up again, I got upset and phoned my boyf. He said he hadnt spoke to her in 3 months and told me he didnt understand why i was looking as it just shows me to be insecure again (part of why he wanted a break). He asked if i wanted him to phone her and tell her to take it down, telling me at the same time that hed have to have a nice conversation with her to do it when he hasnt spoken to her so he doesnt understand why I was looking unless i want him to contact her to take it down, I just wanted to know if they were still in contact

 

We have been getting on well but he says he doesnt trust me as i breached him trust by looking at his phone and looking into facebook. In talking to him about it I then feel bad as invading his privacy is a big deal and he doesnt feel comfortable with me looking into things all the time. But does her putting that photo as her profile pic again look suspicious and should I believe him that nothings going on?

 

He has made it clear hes not going anywhere and gets frustrated at me wanting to talk about us. But i dont know if i should take a leap of faith and trust him. When we've spoke about it before hes brushed off what happened as not a big deal as he didnt have sex with anyone but to me thats not the point. I feel insecure that he wanted out in the first place, let alone that he liked someone else. I am also looking for work at the minute and I hate to say but im threatened by her, shes an actress, my boyfriends in film school. I dont feel I can compete while my life isnt progressing further. Thanks in advance for any replies, it will be very much appreciated

[DN]

You are going to kill your relationship.

[katien]

Could you elaborate? I know looking isnt healthy, we have been doing really well recently, I was building my confidance back up and doing well. But weve only been seeing each other every week or two, hes been busy with work. Ive tried keeping my insecurites to myself and be happy and encouraging but seeing his picture on her thing made me wonder if I have been a fool for the past few months.

[Huntress0527]

This is a case of either you trust him or don't and you'll have find a way to look past this if you want to keep the relationship. This girl wasn't during your relationship so he didn't cheat on you. Also, it's not fair of you to fly off the handle and call him about a photo on HER page. You have no control over the girl and you shouldn't be looking at her page.

[katien]

He took me away for a weekend together the weekend before he said he was with her, and told me we were back together and was stupid to suggest a break...all before he started seeing her...

[acertainseason]

It seems as if he is being honest with you. Example: He didn't have to go as far as to say they made out. You would have never known. But he did tell you. Don't let this eat away at you. Take your happiness and cherish it, don't wallow in what could have/could be going on. Take it from someone who's been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Men don't want to be with women who aren't confident in their position in the relationship. If he is telling you it's you and only you, believe him. Love him. Forget all the rest.

[DN]

You are asking him to get in touch with an ex that he hasn't had anything to do with for months to take down a photo because it makes you feel jealous and that you found out about by invading his privacy. Just stop and think that through for a moment and you might see why I say you are going to kill this relationship.

[lavenderdove]

When you are on a break, all bets are off and you can't hold it against him if he dated other people. I don't believe in breaks for this reason... you either are working on the relationship, or you decide it's over, but you don't go into this kind of limbo break period then get upset when you find out they saw someone later. Many people will casual date on a break because they are lonely, angry, think they've been permanently dumped etc.

 

So I think the mistake was going on break and expecting him to act like he still owed you complete fidelity while he was on a break. Once you're on a break, he's not your BF so he isn't cheating.

 

And the woman has a right to do anything she wants on her profile if it is her picture and she owns it. I know lots of cases where people put up pictures of themselves with random people... maybe they think they look great in that photo (i.e., hair is perfect, perfect pose, whatever). People put up photos of themselves with their kids, parents, pets, friends, whomever, and it doesn't mean they are dating. Some people also rarely change their photos and forget about them.

 

So you need to accept that this is in the past and get over it, and also recognize that you can't control that other woman and what she does nor can he. I think he is wrong to say you can't look on FB because anyone can and that is your right, but going thru his phone all the time is probably too much, if you don't have any concrete evidence he is actually cheating.

 

So if you want this relationship you need to let this go and get over it. Life is LONG and if you obsess about every grievance from the past, this relationship will never work. You will both disappoint each other many times in life, and need to be able to get past that and move on and forgive, and if you can't then no point in continuing just feeling bad and trying to bring this up again and again.

[katien]

I need to clarify that we we together again when he did it. He said he told me as he couldnt handle the pressure of juggling two women at a time. He lied about her before, i just dont know if my hopes for the relationship makes me blind to an obvious sign. It did not appear that he had not been in touch with her thats why i asked him. We were together for two years before and i must admit he doesnt include me in his life much (friends/family) and insecurites got the better of me.

[katien]

and he has stated he cheated in doing this himself

[tresqua]

There's a common theme on many of these threads and it goes something like this:

 

My (boyfriend or girlfriend) has this other person in their lives and I feel threatened because they did this or they did that but I can't be sure if my concerns are legitimate, what do you think?

 

I think that you can never be sure about your relationship partner and rather than second guessing every little thing they do, realize that a relationship can end at any time, a person can change their mind, "fall out of love", have an affair and cheat, get hit by a car and die, etc, etc.

 

Enjoy it while it lasts, and leave your insecurities and badgering questions and clingy/needy behavior at the door or you're going to be your own worst enemy. At the very least it kills the enjoyment of the relationship at the very worst it sabatoges what might have been a very good thing.

 

This particular case is a bit extreme, where you have a person worrying because someone other than the partner posted a picture of the two of them on a public social networking site and you've got this person almost stalking this person's page and making unreasonable requests of the boyfriend to contact this 3rd party and remove it. But the point remains the same.

 

If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. The problem here right now is with you, not with him.

[katien]

I didnt ask him to contact her to remove it, I asked him if there was something still going on between them and he told me he didnt know why i was asking unless i wanted him to call her and re-establish a relationship with her in asking her to remove it. I didnt ask him to call her and remove it,I wanted to know if there was still any type of relationship between them as it was surprising the picture was up, as he has told me she wanted nothing to do with him after finding out he had a girlfriend, back in feb.

[tresqua]

I didnt ask him to contact her to remove it, I asked him if there was something still going on between them and he told me he didnt know why i was asking unless i wanted him to call her and re-establish a relationship with her in asking her to remove it. I didnt ask him to call her and remove it,I wanted to know if there was still any type of relationship between them as it was surprising the picture was up, as he has told me she wanted nothing to do with him after finding out he had a girlfriend, back in feb.

 

So he knows that you were looking at this other girl's FB page. That in of itself tells him that you're insecure and stalkerish. Asking him if there's anytihng going on is pointless because he wouldn't admit it even that was true. It really puts you in a bad light if he's innocent, and doesn't get you anywhere if he's guilty, all it does is let him know that you're watching his every move because you don't trust him.

[katien]

I simply asked if i should believe that there is nothing going on? read my thread posted yesterday for more detail

[tresqua]

I simply asked if i should believe that there is nothing going on? read my thread posted yesterday for more detail

 

What do you expect him to say to that? Assume for the moment there IS something going on.. even if it's just mild inappropriate flirtatious behavior, or all the way to a full blown affair. Do you really expect him to answer "Yeah, there's something going on, we flirt all the time and I talk dirty to her", or even "Yes we have sex whenever we can meet without anyone finding out".

 

It's pointless to ask a suspected cheater if they're cheating.

 

It's also pointless to "take a leap of faith and trust him". First of all it's impossible to just volunatrily decide to trust someone, that has to happen naturally. Second of all you can never, ever fully trust another person because you never know what they're thinking or what they might do in the future, and most of the time neither do they.

[katien]

okayy, so back to my original post, I asked if i should believe he hasnt spoken to her or should i not ignore the picture of the two of them as a sign? its all i wanted to know

[tresqua]

okayy, so back to my original post, I asked if i should believe he hasnt spoken to her or should i not ignore the picture of the two of them as a sign? its all i wanted to know

 

I don't think you should believe or disbelieve anything. People lie, there's a history there, there's a chance there might be something going on, but it's pointless to get consumed over it. If he's going to leave you for her then there's really nothing you can do about it and your life will go on. Enjoy the relationship, but keep your eyes open, and don't give him reason to go run to her and if anything that's exactly what you're doing by mentioning the picture to him in the first place.

[katien]

Thank you for your replies, its too easy to get overrun by emotions. He told me to just relax, hes busy with work and hell always come back to me. He my first proper relationship and everything else is just a bit stressful so isuppose i get consumed by it easily. In the past months ive been working on myself more and been happy and carefree, then over the past two days i felt bad about things again and looked her up. I just hope i didnt do too much damage by relapsing into insecurity.

[Stay_home]

This is why facebook, myspace, twitter and all of the other grand social-networking sites are such a drain on relationships because people take them too personal. We all have exes of some sort on our contact list; for the most part their just friends and we probably don't talk to them other than acknowledging that they were once part of your life. Don't wish to get back with them, screw them or anything like that.

 

I think you're out of line with all the jealous and insecurity issues you have going on.

 

First of all, you're looking for trouble. That's a sure way to strengthen the weaker emotions and further depress yourself. Why would you want to do that? Why do you want to snoop and look for things that will make you upset? If you don't trust your boyfriend, then why are you with him? I can assure you that the more you press onward with these feelings of jealousy and insecurity, you're going to eventually drive him away. He may or may not have been honest about the girl on the facebook page, but if you've willingly admitted that whatever happened was during the break, well, at that point all bets are off. So it's not fair to punish him for something that happened when you two were separated. If he's truly back and now all about you, that's really all that you can ask.

[Huntress0527]

Thank you for your replies, its too easy to get overrun by emotions. He told me to just relax, hes busy with work and hell always come back to me. He my first proper relationship and everything else is just a bit stressful so isuppose i get consumed by it easily. In the past months ive been working on myself more and been happy and carefree, then over the past two days i felt bad about things again and looked her up. I just hope i didnt do too much damage by relapsing into insecurity.

 

May I ask how old you two are? I know when I was in my first relationship I definitely felt like it was consuming but now that I'm older with experience it doesn't feel that way at all.

 

To get back to your question to believe or not. None of us can tell you to believe or disbelieve him. All in all he was seeing you and this girl during your break phase, you weren't officially back together if I'm not mistaken. Correct me if I'm wrong. It isn't your boyfriend's job to ease your insecurities. You'll have to find a way to handle your feelings or you're going to wreck your relationship. I would block from seeing her profile or go to the extreme and delete your FB page altogether so the temptation isn't there. If he's being honest with you then I don't see a reason not to believe him but don't take your jealousy of the fling they had out on him when you weren't official yet.

[katien]

if you've willingly admitted that whatever happened was during the break, well, at that point all bets are off. So it's not fair to punish him for something that happened when you two were separated. If he's truly back and now all about you, that's really all that you can ask.

Ive repeatedly stated he was with her after we had gotten back together

[katien]

May I ask how old you two are? I know when I was in my first relationship I definitely felt like it was consuming but now that I'm older with experience it doesn't feel that way at all.

 

we are 23 now and have been together since we were 20

[ForumGuy]

If he is loving to you and out in the open about your relationship.....as in makes your relationship known on Facebook for everyone to see, you should probably give him the benefit of the doubt. Sounds like the original break-up was just as he said.....he needed to feel loved again...etc., but then he realized he missed you. At the same time, the other girl is still attracted to him, hence the picture on Facebook. Personally, once an ex has been with someone else, they will never be with me again.