Need advice, conflicted

[BadSituation]

I would like to start off saying that I never in a million years would have thought I would be posting in a section such as this. I know on Enotalone I will catch major flak. My whole life I rode this "high horse" good moral standing, never cheated on previous partner, however, been cheated on in past relationships. I hated cheaters and never could understand why and how you could do something like that to someone you "love". I thought I was way above that and I would never be the one to do it, if it were to happen it would be my partner, seeing as I've always been the victim.

 

With that said I moved to another location for my gf and have been together almost 3 years. People wont believe this, but I loved her moment I saw her and still do. I know people will deny this. Here is my situation, and bit of background. I did NOT have sex, or make out, just to clear that up. I was at a party, which isnt unusual, and was getting late, decided to stay over night. This girl took me to her room wanting to have sex, but told her no I have a gf and left.

 

Went back to drinking and at the end of night I should have either left or slept somewhere else, I found myself going back up to the girls room. I ended up sleeping in her bed, not next to her, but sideways accross the bottom of bed next to her feet. I wish this was the only bad part, for some reason I put my hand on her vagina for a few seconds before removing. I then passed out for few hours and left.

 

First off I am still in shock that I did this, that I was capable of doing something I strongly condemned. Clearly as everyone else I've been living with that sick feeling, as I should. I've read things online and have been trying to figure out why I did this, drinking is not the reason. I am sure it did not help, but I have drank many of times before without doing anything of this nature. My only conclusions so far are that I have some resentment possibly. I moved for my gf a far distance and we still dont live together. I feel like I have been living this single bachelor life, go out without my gf and drink. I do this not always because I want to but because shes not always available. This could be because of things like money, work, living on other side of town. Having moved I wish we would have built a life together, living same life, but instead we see each other few times during week and live our lives. The sex life is ok, I def have the higher sex drive. She is insecure about some things, and I cant do all the things I would like to do or what Im use to, but I know a relationship is about give and take. I have talked about these issues in the past with her, about wanting more togetherness, and I guess in her eyes is its jsut not that easy. (Not that she doesnt want to move in, mainly money related), but I still feel like she could do more to make this happen. If there is a will there is a way. So I suppose I feel like I've made all the big moves and decisions, maybe my personality is the risk taker, while she is more cautious. Maybe this had to do with what I did, I'm not sure. Even if so handled it wrong.

 

I am not sure if I should just keep this event quiet or be honest. I am majorly conflicted. This happened bout a week ago, and I have been trying to do some soul searching. What hurts the most is not being honest with her, keeping something from her, the feeling of betraying. With that said I feel like telling her would only do more bad then good. The main reason I don't want to tell her is because shes happy, and I don't want to hurt her. I am not sure whats more selfish telling her and hurting her or keeping this quiet, sparing her feelings, but being dishonest. I feel that it is my burden to bear and wearing this guilt everyday is my punishment, that telling her would be relieving that guilt and passing it on to her in the form of hurt. Having been cheated on in past relationships I can honestly say that if roles were reversed that I would NOT want to know by any means. The pain of a cheating partner is by far the worse feeling i've ever experienced, its long lasting and gut wrenching. Would not wish it on anyone. If my gf kissed someone once I would not want to know, maybe if she had sex I would, but even so maybe if it was something as big as sex I would rather her dump me for a made up reason than revealing the truth. If it was a one time thing (maybe not including sex, thats a massive deal) I would not want to know, however, if repeat offenses that should be made clear or she should break up with me and spare my feelings.

 

I have been deciding that I will keep this to myself, but I dont know if I will be able to. I am not that type of person, I have deep feelings for people and my gf. Regardless what you all may say I love her to bits and always have. If i tell her yes it may end now, or relationship may continue for some time. With that said it would be the beginning of the end and result in a slow painful death. Relationships are NEVER the same after, I have tried to forgive a cheating partner(sex) and I never recovered 100percent. Telling her would be honest and I never want to hide anything from her(thats what hurts the most). Not telling her would make me live with this pain,but not smashing her feelings with the bad situation I put myself into. If she were to find out later on somehow, or I ended up telling her, it will look even worse on me. (depending on how she looks at it). She really wont trust me, and think what else am i lying about. Its like gambling, whatever I choose will have pro's and con's and be a gamble. Either decision will most likely end in the same result at a point, unless I somehow heal and bury this. I have a feeling this feeling will always be there just not as frequent. It may never go away. It hurts me sometimes trying to act normal. I dont feel like I am the worthy, loyal, trustworthy guy I once was or that she still thinks I am. It hurts knowing I put myself in this situation, a few seconds changed all this. It hurts knowing that I am hiding something from her, i've always been honest with her. It hurts knowing that if she knew she would be hurt. I am still just in shock at what i've done. I dont' know what to do...

 

Pick your poison? Maybe either way the relationship is over, the damage is done. Any comments, feedback or advice would be great. This is horrible.

[BadSituation]

*id like to add that soon I am gonna watch a movie or show with her that has cheating in it and somehow find out if she would want to know or if she would rather not know. That may help in deciding what to do... though some people say they want to know, and as soon as they find out, they wish they never did. (me being one of them).

[lukeb]

Maybe this will be a learning experience and help you become a more forgiving person to yourself and for others. We're human and we do make mistakes. In this case it would seem it would be a shame to throw away a whole relationship because of one indiscretion. I think you should tell her for both your sakes.

[Huntress0527]

I know me personally I cannot keep anything from my SO. I am blatantly honest about everything which can be a good or a bad thing depending on what it is so I understand how hard it is to keep something in.

 

I think you owe to your girlfriend to be honest about what you did and let her make the decision of whether or not she wants to stay with you. By not telling her you misrepresent yourself and take her right to let her decide if she wants to be with someone who cheated on her. At the end of the day, there is not a valid reason to cheat on someone.

[BadSituation]

I know me personally I cannot keep anything from my SO. I am blatantly honest about everything which can be a good or a bad thing depending on what it is so I understand how hard it is to keep something in.

 

I think you owe to your girlfriend to be honest about what you did and let her make the decision of whether or not she wants to stay with you. By not telling her you misrepresent yourself and take her right to let her decide if she wants to be with someone who cheated on her. At the end of the day, there is not a valid reason to cheat on someone.

 

Thanks to both of you for reading my long post and replying. This is where I suffer Huntress. Like you I am not the dishonest type and I am extremely struggling with this. The only reason I have done so past few days is not due to fear of losing my relationship(though would be devastated), but more in the fear of hurting her, causing her pain. As i stated above, I have been cheated on and I can tell you that I wish I never found out, the pain of knowing is by far the worst feeling. If you have had that feeling you will understand. At the end of the day I am glad I did not have sex or kiss or anything, but I still crossed major lines. This is very hard, I so want to tell her, but at same time dont want to hurt her.

 

As with you I always use to say the same thing about telling your partner no matter how big or small, its their right to know, but i realise this is not always a black and white, cut or dry situation. I am not sure whats more selfish at this point, being honest, passing my guilt on to her, causing her pain or being dishonest on this one occasion sparing her feelings, having to myself bear the burden with guilt daily, but not giving her the choice to decide. *sigh* I am going to try to find out what she would prefer in a subtle way.

[Huntress0527]

Thanks to both of you for reading my long post and replying. This is where I suffer Huntress. Like you I am not the dishonest type and I am extremely struggling with this. The only reason I have done so past few days is not due to fear of losing my relationship(though would be devastated), but more in the fear of hurting her, causing her pain. As i stated above, I have been cheated on and I can tell you that I wish I never found out, the pain of knowing is by far the worst feeling. If you have had that feeling you will understand. At the end of the day I am glad I did not have sex or kiss or anything, but I still crossed major lines. This is very hard, I so want to tell her, but at same time dont want to hurt her.

 

I have also been cheated on in the past and I have the opposite opinion. I'd want to know if my SO was cheating on me. I'd be even more angry if I found out elsewhere and that would be the nail in the coffin. This did happen to me by the way and I found out by his ex calling my phone with whom he was cheating on me with. If my SO at least came to me and was honest we could discuss the severity of the infidelity and decide whether or not to continue with the relationship.

 

Let me ask you this, if the situation was reversed and your girlfriend did this to you, would you honestly not want to know? Would you want her to be dishonest about her fidelity to you and keep it from you? Would you want her to take away your choice of being with someone who was not faithful to you? Something to think about.

[BadSituation]

Since I know the pain of being the victim, yes I would rather her not tell me. You can see it in one of 2 ways. 1. being dishonest or 2. protecting you from damage whether short term or long. The pain of cheating can stay with you for years, sometimes one has to do something to save another..in this cause me bearing the guilt.

 

If she didnt have sex with anyone else or wasnt having an emotional affair and it was a one off thing and spent her whole entire life never doing anything again, in that case no I would pray to god I never knew. If it was sex, and emotional affair or multiple repeats I think I would rather her just end it for me, using another excuse rather then bringing me down and ruining a few years of my life with pain that she caused. Keep it to yourself.

 

But the problem is I can see it both ways from your perspective (cause i use to think that way) but also can see if from the other side.

 

Ok here say your bf kissed a girl after a year or 2 of being together...he never told you. You now have been married 10 years after that event. Would you want him to tell you at that point? In those 10 years he never did anything again.

[BadSituation]

I'm still not clear if the person you touched was conscious or not? Did she know you touched her? If she didn't how does that change the situation.

 

In all honesty you groped a drunk chick who doesn't seem to have noticed so forget about it and move on. the more you chew it over and overthink it the worse you will feel.

 

Yeah the drunk chick wanted to have sex with me, i left the room, only to come back at end of the night pass out at the bottom of her bed. She was conscious, when i put my hand there, she opened her legs a little bit, and thats when i stopped and went to bed. (not laying next to her), very edge of the bed next to her feet, not that it makes a difference no.

 

still trying to figure out why i put my hand there....dumbest thing ive done yet. Maybe i was curious in to how far it would go? I knew i wouldnt actually go to the point of having sex, but something about the situation drew me back.

[Huntress0527]

I can see your perspective but I don't agree with being kept in the dark. Also did your perspective change before you cheated or after? If it's the latter then that seems like you're trying to rationalize the behavior.

I'd be more angry that my husband kept the secret more than the physical act. Would this cause our divorce? Most likely not but it would have to be dealt with accordingly and he'd have to work to regain my trust again. If I found out my husband had intercourse or oral though with someone while we were together, it would most definitely be over. I would have more respect for my SO with being honest with me than him keeping the secret building up the guilt inside looking at me knowing he betrayed me.

[BadSituation]

my opinion changed after my ex gf who cheated on me. I tried to forgive and forget, many months later it ended..I could not. After cheating occurs in a relationship it is never the same, damaged goods. (thats why they say dont do it!!, wish i could still say the same) I changed my mind on the issue of not wanting to know because I never want to feel the pain again. But yes of course having switched sides I am trying to rationalise things, ease my guilt. I am very torn, seems whichever you decide has consequences..pro's and con's...neither will result in a happy ending. Our anniversary is coming up 2 which is crappy....trying to do as much soul searching as possible before acting on something. Its very tough.

[BadSituation]

Well to look at it another way - you were offered sex on a plate and had the strength of character to turn it down even though you were drunk as you are already in a loving relationship. Your gf should be proud of you!

 

I sometimes try to rationalise it that way, but at same time i betrayed my partner and and not being honest. Furthermore, I did heavily cross some lines id say... Would you want to know revenge if your bf did the same thing or not?

[Huntress0527]

my opinion changed after my ex gf who cheated on me. I tried to forgive and forget, many months later it ended..I could not. After cheating relationship never ever the same, damaged goods. I changed my mind on the issue of not wanting to know because I never want to feel the pain again. But yes of course having switched sides I am trying to rationalise things, ease my guilt. I am very torn, seems whichever you decide has consequences..pro's and con's...neither will result in a happy ending. Our anniversary is coming up 2 which is crappy....trying to do as much soul searching as possible before acting on something. Its very tough.

 

Well in the end it's your decision to keep the secret and move on or to come clean and let your gf decide whether or not to continue the relationship. If you feel that less damage will happen all around by keeping it by all means move on with your girlfriend. I do think though it does your girlfriend a disservice. Just a word of caution, if you don't tell her and she does find out down the road, she will probably lose respect for you.

[BadSituation]

Well in the end it's your decision to keep the secret and move on or to come clean and let your gf decide whether or not to continue the relationship. If you feel that less damage will happen all around by keeping it by all means move on with your girlfriend. I do think though it does your girlfriend a disservice. Just a word of caution, if you don't tell her and she does find out down the road, she will probably lose respect for you.

 

Yeah thats another problem...like i said i suppose its gambling either way. this is a no win situation, whatever i decide wont be pleasant. I thank you for your words, I still have a ton of thinking to do.

[Huntress0527]

Well to look at it another way - you were offered sex on a plate and had the strength of character to turn it down even though you were drunk as you are already in a loving relationship. Your gf should be proud of you!

 

This is a warped way of thinking and I would be so insulted if my SO presented it to me that way. If it was me my rebuttal would be why were even in that situation to begin with? Maybe you shouldn't be drinking to allow yourself to even be in that situation. And even after turning down the sex you still went back to her room. There is nothing to be proud of.

 

Drinking is never an excuse for any type of infidelity. Period.

[Huntress0527]

Yeah thats another problem...like i said i suppose its gambling either way. this is a no win situation, whatever i decide wont be pleasant. I thank you for your words, I still have a ton of thinking to do.

 

You're welcome. If you're anything like me I think the guilt will get to you and you'll have to come clean. I also cannot lie to save my life. Feel free to PM me if needed.

[BadSituation]

Well I pretty much told her everything give or take, and she left angry. Shes been angry all day which is expected and she should. I am not sure she gonna be able to give another shot, and even if she did dont think it will be a good relationship anymore. Just as hard as it is to be the victim of a cheater, hurts being the cheater as well. I never realized how the cheater really felt until now. They both hurt like hell.

 

If she asks for full detail on the situation.....do i tell her 100percent or still try to protect her feelings? She already hurt enough, do u tell everything little detail if she asks? She got the jist of what i did. Dont want to hurt her anymore.

[Huntress0527]

Well I pretty much told her everything give or take, and she left angry. Shes been angry all day which is expected and she should. I am not sure she gonna be able to give another shot, and even if she did dont think it will be a good relationship anymore. Just as hard as it is to be the victim of a cheater, hurts being the cheater as well. I never realized how the cheater really felt until now. They both hurt like hell.

 

If she asks for full detail on the situation.....do i tell her 100percent or still try to protect her feelings? She already hurt enough, do u tell everything little detail if she asks? She got the jist of what i did. Dont want to hurt her anymore.

 

I think in the end your conscience will at least be clear now even though it hurts like heck right now.

 

I think if she asks for the full nitty gritty details then she should know but I definitely would not volunteer the information. No sense to lie anymore.

 

I hope everything works out for you, BadSituation.