Pessimists steer clear!

[ngu11]

I'm kind of sick of the pessimistic views on this forum, although I do appreciate that a lot are only giving advice with the best intentions so they are appreciated however, this kind of advice to someone who clearly wants to get back to their ex is more than likely going to put the final nail in the coffin.

 

FACT: We can't possibly know what our ex is thinking...I mean how can you or anybody else who is posting on this forum. You don't even know what you're thinking half the time, so don't get too attached to what your ex may or not be thinking. In fact, the people giving advice are at even more of a disadvantage as they neither know you OR your ex.

 

Instead, be ok with your current situation....accept the fact that it's over....take a few weeks for yourself to think more clearly and also to allow your ex some space to think clearly. BUT...if you want to get your ex back, you have to do something about it... not hound them or beg for them back...but at some point you're going have to re-start communication. Don't worry if your ex is going out with someone else or if they are ignoring you because you'll be investing into something that you know little about. All of these things may happen....but remember: You have a distinct advantage. Unless you've done something really terrible...your ex WILL still have feelings for you and love. Feelings can't disappear over night if you ever had something that was important to you both. You just need to know how to gently take advantage of these things.

 

You need to get back to being you...the you that you were when you first met...if you can do this then you are at the optimum level to begin getting your ex back. You just have to be patient. Just cause you want them back today...doesn't mean they do...or that its going to happen. Once you begin talking again...stay clear of talking about the relationship for a while....all you want to do is build up the attraction and their desire....and don't put too much pressure on yourself for things to go well straight away. Getting an ex back is a marathon NOT a sprint! In fact getting them back is actually the easy part...but going forward....this is where ALL the work comes in!

 

Only advice that gives you faith is going to have a positive influence on your actions!

 

Good luck to ALL of you who want your exes back.

[ApocalypseDreams]

I think rather than being pessimistic it's more of a case of trying to spare the person the heartache of pining away for their ex in the hope that they change their mind. In many instances it is more productive to move on.

 

Also, how can you not hound someone who has split up with you, is now dating someone else and is ignoring you?

[Batya33]

I don't agree that in every case an ex still has romantic feelings for the other person - even if nothing "really bad" happened -people grow apart, meet someone else who is a better match, make the decision with their heads that despite the lingering feelings it's unwise to give it another go -many reasons. I find that realistic, not pessimistic. When my ex-fiancee and I broke up (I triggered it, but it was mutual) many years ago I wanted him back after a month or two apart. We talked, and talked. We saw each other, ran into each other, etc. But he knew that trying again made little sense. He was right.

 

But 8 years later, after sporadic contact via a few relatively impersonal emails a year (i.e. nothing that would trigger any romantic feelings in the least -and we were both involved with other people for much of that time) we decided to meet for a friendly catch up dinner -- and were completely surprised at the sparks we felt. We've been married about two years now. I was not the right person for him all those years ago (or the right person for a healthy marriage most probably!) and we both had a lot of growing to do despite being in our early 30s when we broke up the first time.

 

If I had been given this advice 14 years ago when he said no about getting back together-- and tried to stay in contact as you suggested -and not moved on - I am sure we wouldn't be together today. It would have left a bad taste for both of us and chances are we would have had some more attempts at getting back together, some dating - but it wouldn't have worked with the added consequence that we would have done more emotional damage to each other. This way, 8 years later ,we both got over the past hurt, both recognized how different we and our situations were and we were ready for a fresh start. By contrast I did what you suggested in a 7 year on again off again relationship. Now, in hindsight, I see that we were wrong together for the long term but the getting him back in my life again (and again) became it's own unhealthy relationship -with myself and with him. I was able to trigger his strong feelings for me and I did have an advantage at times - and we did take it slowly at times - but I think he started to see those feelings as unhealthy because of the continued bad results - and ultimately walked away. He's happily married thank goodness.

 

JMHO!

[6yeardumped]

Balance. Between hoping and moving on. Not pessimistic nor too optimistic.

 

But before finding that balance, we (the heartbroken dumpees) must heal first. And it probably ain't just in a few weeks that's gonna happen.

 

Step 1. Healing.

Healing takes time and pacience.

 

Step 2. Fighting for what you REALLY want after healing.

Getting back together takes love and luck.

[ngu11]

All I can say is what an amazing post and point of view! Thank you. I do actually agree with a lot of what you said, no matter how contradicting it may sound from me. What I am basically trying to say in my post is that we all have different situations....but having people burn the hope of others is not going to help them "A man who is convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still" You gotta let people come to conclusions by themselves so that they truly believe it and not just caving in because of external pressures. Getting back to being yourself gives you the opportunity to say to yourself (with clarity) You know what...I actually don't believe that this relationship I wanted is what I want anymore. There's a huge difference. You have to have your heart aligned with your head to act positively with confidence.

 

It's like when someone has a new business idea, a lot of people will give them all the reasons why it wont work or why they should just get a job and do what 'everybody' else does. This kind of advice normally comes from that persons on insecurities, their own faith and belief with the same situations as pertaining to themselves.

[ngu11]

Balance. Between hoping and moving on. Not pessimistic nor too optimistic.

 

But before finding that balance, we (the heartbroken dumpees) must heal first. And it probably ain't just in a few weeks that's gonna happen.

 

Step 1. Healing.

Healing takes time and pacience.

 

Step 2. Fighting for what you REALLY want after healing.

Getting back together takes love and luck.

 

My friend, how are you doing?

 

Luck...what is luck?? Luck is either being at the right time, at the right place AND being prepared! Or it's something that we create. Richard Branson, Bill Gates and Donald Trump... do you honestly believe that blind luck got them where they are?

[Nirvana1986]

My friend, how are you doing?

 

Luck...what is luck?? Luck is either being at the right time, at the right place AND being prepared! Or it's something that we create. Richard Branson, Bill Gates and Donald Trump... do you honestly believe that blind luck got them where they are?

 

Yes, I am with you on that one. I think it has to do more about timing rather than luck.

 

Now, going back to your original topic. I believe that people often give advice here because when we are just going through a break up, we can't think clearly. Their comments are aimed to get us down to a realistic stand point with no expectations of getting back together or whatsoever, but ultimately, we are the ones who have to come to terms with the break up. I do agree with you that every situation is different as well as every person involved in it, and some replies seem to contain so much negativity and venom.

[6yeardumped]

My friend, how are you doing?

 

Luck...what is luck?? Luck is either being at the right time, at the right place AND being prepared! Or it's something that we create. Richard Branson, Bill Gates and Donald Trump... do you honestly believe that blind luck got them where they are?

 

Hey ngu11! I have had worst days, but getting better by the day...6 day full NC, FB blackout since yesterday!

 

Well, luck for me right now is: not caring about when I am going to get there, not caring about the preparation, but simply caring about the "right place".

 

The right place now is healing! If I try to "force" my healing just to make it faster to the point where "there might be a chance of", I don´t think I would actually heal properly.

 

So, I simply accept that there is a "structure" in all this:

 

1. Heal

I will first heal, no matter how long it takes (it could be weeks, months or years). I just want to do it properly, taking all the necessary steps towards that goal. In the meanwhile I will improve myself, my life and improve the life of others near me (family, friends, etc.) dedicating my time to them as well. Healing includes forgiveness of my errors and of the person who decided no longer to share a life with me.

 

2. After-healing

Reassess my feelings. Determine if, after improving myself, I still want that person who caused me so much pain and hurt in the past to be in my life. And if I still believe that I want her in my life, I will approach her.

 

Where does luck fit in all this?

 

Luck if I wont meet someone else in the meanwhile.

 

Luck if she doesnt meet someone else in the meanwhile.

 

Luck if my feelings for her will still be there in the future.

 

Luck if I dont get hit by a car in 2 weeks and die...

 

So much depends on luck actually...

[Chuck Bartowsk]

Balance. Between hoping and moving on. Not pessimistic nor too optimistic.

 

But before finding that balance, we (the heartbroken dumpees) must heal first. And it probably ain't just in a few weeks that's gonna happen.

 

Step 1. Healing.

Healing takes time and pacience.

 

 

 

 

 

Step 2. Fighting for what you REALLY want after healing.

Getting back together takes love and luck.

 

This says it all for me with one exception. I have found for me it starts with faith and prayer to which steps 1 and 2 would be useless without.

[Brownstone322]

BUT...if you want to get your ex back, you have to do something about it... not hound them or beg for them back...but at some point you're going have to re-start communication.

Ya know, I agree with this. But here's the qualifier (which calls for bold type): You can't do this unless and until you have your act together. And that takes a long time. Not "14 days NC." Not a few weeks or even a few months. If you still have feelings of dread or trepidation, then you're not at a point where you can try this.

 

Now ... browse this forum and read the heartache stories. Do we see many people who appear to be at that point? Not many.

 

In the interim, maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe you'll reach the point where you're feelling great about yourself, and you'll see your ex in a chance encounter. Or maybe not. But I've related many times that I reconciled with a college girlfriend after at least a year and a half apart, and, believe me, I was completey "healed" by then, completely "together," and the breakthrough contact came out of nowhere.

[Eocsor]

I agree with Brownstone. The only successful reconciliation that I've had was after almost a year of no contact. We'd gone out for three years, broken up, and then after NC ended, went out for another 10 years after that. I tried the normal stuff at first but she wouldn't consider reconciling and it was only after I'd basically moved on with my life and given up all hope that she contacted me and wanted to reconcile.

[Tired Tiger]

Getting an ex back is a marathon NOT a sprint!

 

That's a fair enough expression, in and of itself, but isn't it you who devised the "three week plan"? If it were pointed out to you that three weeks falls under the 'sprint' category, would you consider that "pessimism"?

[endy]

I don't think getting back together takes any luck. It takes love, true love though. That's what happens when you forgive yourself, the ex and start moving on loving yourself. It's about the law of attraction. Until your emotions are all untied, you're ok with you and you don't care anymore that's when ex's tend to come back. From my experience, friends experiences, reading on this forum, if you get back together before then it USUALLY doesn't work. So are there plans that can get your ex in the short-term... sure. Is there any plan other than letting go and moving on that is going to work in that short of an amount of time. No IMO, and if it does it's rare. Which is the reason I won't advise reconcilation until I believe from what the other person has told me, that those conditions have been met.

 

With my 3 months on this forum, I have seen that MOST people do not really love their ex's but have an ideal of love instead. It's just a want and desire. It's infatuation. Mostly out of withdrawal right away from a breakup. You can call that pessimistic. I call it growning and healing to better yourself for someone that deserves that better you. After you emerge from that black hole that was in front of you that YOU faced ALONE which made you stronger and more independent.