viber Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 My ex broke up with me over the summer and we got back together when school startet after 1 month of NC. He then broke up with me 6 months later because of an argument. I suggested to have NC and I was doing fine... until he showed up on my door with a letter on his hand. It says all the stuff that guys says on a break up. "its no you, its me".... So after that we started talking again, we were friends and things are/were going great. things were going so well that after two weeks of the break up he says he loved me, i said we should just move on. I was lying coz until this day i still want him back. What do youo think guys? Why would he write a letter to me? Guilty, much? Whats the next step? Link to comment
Ambiguous X Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 It seems to me, if your goal was to get him back, you had him at him saying he loved you, no? At some point trust has to be established, and him breaking up with you twice is a pattern. Link to comment
DoGGYtREAts Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Well, the impression i get from what you've said is he's persuing you again. Question is.. Do YOU want to do this again? You've said you still want him back.. If that happens do you think things'll go different this time? I'd say continue down this road if that's what you want, looks like that's where it's headed. If you do NOT want to go thru this again, You'll need to stick by what you said and stay strictly NC. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Really, the only information here to work with is that the two of you are engaged in a dysfunctional cycle. You both need to identify the core issues and address them (independently first), or the roller coaster will just continue. Link to comment
endy Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Really, the only information here to work with is that the two of you are engaged in a dysfunctional cycle. You both need to identify the core issues and address them (independently first), or the roller coaster will just continue. Absolutely correct... How are both of your parents relationships for instance? Single, divorced etc etc... People repeat patterns (in all of their relationships) until they consciously realize them and feel they need to change them. Even then usually they repeat until we work on ourselves enough they change. Take me for example... I had the same type pattern of women I would date for 10 years. I just realized now why. That's what you need to figure out. Our parents and our childhood usually effect us greatly. More than most people realize, actually A LOT more. Take a look at that first and see if you see a connection. If not there's books I can recommend to get you there so you can look deep enough to find out why. Link to comment
MrEnigma Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 If I came to my ex girlfriends house with a letter in hand and then told her I loved her. That means I want you back. The " its not you is me " qoute is a conflict. My ex said the same exact thing and proceeded with random reason and excuses. He doesn't know what he wants, but yet to put the effort to bring it to you in person and to express his affection means he made his choice and wants you back. That's what I see. In all honesty though, give it another shot. Build and work on the issues that caused your BUs. If you don't mind.me asking. What caused those past BUs? What was the argument? And who was the dumper/dumpee? Little more info can give me more perspective to help you out. Link to comment
viber Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 thanks fo the reply ppl.. the thing is that,i'm trying to tell myself that we're better off without eachother because of the distance. future doesnt look good for us coz theres an ocean between us. we live in different countries and go to a foreign school. He's all i want in a guy but i keep telling myself whould i want a guy that gives up on me when things get hard? first time we broke up was a month before the school started. his first excuse was because i missed him too much that he was afraid that i wasnt living my own life. i admit i missed him a lot and might have scared him off in the process. 1 month of NC, it was hard but i still managed to. then school started and everything came back, we got back together and our relationship was better than ever. second time he broke up with me was because of an argument. i still blame myself for initiating the argument and said that he's selfish. 2 hours later he broke up with me. 1 week with NC he wrote me a 4 paged letter saying that he doesnt deserve me, he blamed himself for what happened and things guys normally say when they break up. to be honest i'm willing to go all through that drama again despite what happened :S Link to comment
viber Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 How old are you? How old is he? we're both 21 Link to comment
viber Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 Absolutely correct... How are both of your parents relationships for instance? Single, divorced etc etc... People repeat patterns (in all of their relationships) until they consciously realize them and feel they need to change them. Even then usually they repeat until we work on ourselves enough they change. Take me for example... I had the same type pattern of women I would date for 10 years. I just realized now why. That's what you need to figure out. Our parents and our childhood usually effect us greatly. More than most people realize, actually A LOT more. Take a look at that first and see if you see a connection. If not there's books I can recommend to get you there so you can look deep enough to find out why. our parents are both married. we both have issues. I prob expect a lot from him. I'm the one who likes going out and he's the stay home time. we have our differences but im willing ti look past that, but he said i deserve somebody who does it beter. He know whats his issues are. He said that he argues alot and he has a tendency to make make a big deal about small things... this also happened with his ex. he said he's nicer to other people but not with his present gf's. So he does know his flaws and as long as he realize it theres always room for improvement... Link to comment
endy Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 There's room for improvement but he needs to own those issues and change. I think from what you just said briefly... there's anger, he said you deserve someone who does better. That lacks self confidence and self worth. Looks to me like you just have someone that doesn't love themselves enough. To love someone properly IMO we need to be in a place where we love ourselves first. Both people should be in that place for the relationship to have the best chance. You're both young and have a lot of growing to do still I'm sure. You have a lot of life left in relationship sense. I think you probably should move on and work on yourself a bit. Own your issues, figure out why they are there and then... you'll be a better stronger person for the next relationship. If we never own our issues (most people stay unchanged for a long time and sometimes life) we are never going to change our behavior or relationship patterns. Problem is you can't change someone else. You can only change yourself. You can't tell someone to change either. They need to realize it on their own. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Long distance ... I would think your instinct to move on is the right one. Link to comment
MrEnigma Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Well honestly, you can let the idea of an ocean dividing you guys. Love is love, nothing can't truly divide it. He could just be giving up when times get hard dut it maybe it being an insecurity or maybe he doesn't truly know how to handle it haha. 1st BU you may have scared him off. You may have showed neediness and it may have freaked him out. Commitment freaks people out. Not your fault though. 2nd break up. No ones faults haha. My parents have broken up everyday the past 11 years haha. Honestly you guys breaking up from him not being able to face the fact he may be selfish. That's somethig he cant handle is people brusing his ego. Especially from you haha Him saying he doesnt deserve you is a guilt trip. Trying to boost his ego. Blaming himself, again could be an ego boost or the truth. Revise the letter in my opinion, every dumper says something to lift the guilt off there shoulders to ease the pain. Yet the effort astonishes me, which a good thing. You guys can make it work, go for it and work on it. Link to comment
viber Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Thanks for all the great advice. personallly i think that it will be best for us to have NC. it's been a week but it feels longer. he has been calling me, havent picked up, he messaged me andi answered, now i have to start over again... i still have 2 months left until we meet again. if he comes back, maybe it was meant to be. we both know what we have to work on and we'll have to start all over again. if he doesn't come back then on to the next XD Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Seems like a confused guy, I'd say let him mature. NC forever, pretend he never existed, etc. Link to comment
viber Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Seems like a confused guy, I'd say let him mature. NC forever, pretend he never existed, etc. ya thats what i'm trying to do. but i should stop feelinf guilty when he calls and i never pick up. the more i talk to him, the more i miss him. next time he send a message should i answer him, to be polite? even though its just him asking how i'm doing and checking up on me? Link to comment
highSelfEsteem Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I think you should stick with NC. He will do it for the third time. Past behaviors are the best predictor of the future behavior. However, if you still want him back, you should give him a hard time for a few months or so. It is extremely important that he realize that he can't break up without serious consequences. Only if he realize for sure that if he do it for the third time, it will be the last time, he may respect you and not break up so easily again. What I would do (if I am a female), I would put him on hold for at least 4 months (strict NC from your side, but answering on his messages or if he calls). Furthermore, if you happen to like somebody, you should date another person as well. It will make you feel better and drive him crazy - but don't do it to make him jealous - only if you really like somebody! After that time you can see where you stand. If you still want him back, and he still wants you back (which will be the case in my opinion 99% if you do as I told you), than he will have much more respect for your relationship and think very deeply before he decides to break up again. If you make up now, you may get instant gratification, but you will sign death warrant for your relationship and I believe you will breakup soon again. Link to comment
viber Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 you're exactly right. my mistake is that i made him easy for him to get me the second time we broke up. we didn't talk things through and look where it got us. thanks for the advice Link to comment
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