Something's not right.....what to do?

[jerant03]

Hello all,

well where to begin...i had a relationship with a girl that i had met through my highschool marching band, and at first we were just friends (i had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend, but we never really liked our partners.) and over the months the chase between each other became really into it and my gf had broken up with me (who was my first legit gf so i took it hard) and she had dumped her bf (whom she found really repulsive and felt that she got sucked up into having the relationship with him in the first place) because i was now single, and, by this time, we were really into each other.

so eventually we started spending more time and by the end of that school year i had asked her out, and, with glee, said "YES!"

 

after that things really clicked between us. everyone said that we were perfect for each other, even our parents, close family members, and inner circle of friends said the same thing. we were really happy, we essentially complimented each other personality-wise and by the things we do. eventually, things became to the point where we were at each other's house or out and about the town with each other 'till one of us had to be home, and even then we called each other or texted each other until one of us went to sleep. whenever there was a problem in life (for her, relatives died and she has a misrable family life, and for me, i have to deal with being in the middle of my parents very bitter divorce.) in addition we became sexual to the point of foreplay because we already built the emotional relationship, and we felt that we can take it to the physical level as well.

 

of course, we didnt have a perfect relationship, we did have minuscule disagreements that we resolved within minutes, or we were annoyed at times by the other, but we kept a very open line of communication and resolved those problems too.

 

just after march, heres where the both of us stood history-wise in our private lives:

for her:

Family life: at this point she doesnt want to be home because her father is a drunk and says things he shouldnt and hurts her and her mom emotionally. her mother and father fight constantly, and the father just got into legal trouble. on top of that, the family is trying to adjust to the recent loss of uncle and grandmother.

School+work: shes working two jobs (one of them i work with her) and shes graduating this school year and is stressed about finals, college, and just being an adult (which she finds very stressful and boring).

 

for me:

Family life: my parents have been going to court day in and out and trash talk about each other constantly

School+work: im (at that point) a sophomore who really doesnt care about school (call me proud or an egoist) since hes getting A's and B's in honors classes with little effort. I just got hired at a job that me and my gf applied for together, its an ok job but it can be stressful at times (indoor amusement center that holds 300+kids at a given time daily)

 

now heres where things go sour. at this point, my gf says she wants to b more at home bcuz of school and work, and shes really beat at the end of the day (which i respect and i try to make her feel better, to some success). but as time progressed i began to become more "clingy" and start asking her all kinds of questions (eg. "do you still love me?" and "are we still gonnah be together till the end of our lives?" and yes we essentially painted a picture of us being married in the end and basically living the american dream.) but only because i didnt realize that she just needed space to relax and get away from the world, but how i saw it, she ALWAYS came to me with her problems and alway vented to me, even before we got together. so she began to become irritated and i didnt stop (huge mistake and insecurity on my part) and became more distant, but only a little distant.

however come late may, she got an xbox 360 (because she likes to play and watch video games) and so she started staying home even more, but we did hang out a lot over xbox live, and her time on xbox live wasnt very long. so, i introduced her to a friend of mine whom i shall call mike. Mike is like me except he has Bipolar Personality Disorder type 2 and explosive anger disorder, and he's a jerk at times and likes to have a superiority complex, aside from that, him and i talk the same, believe the same, and almost act the same. they become friends.

 

come prom, my gf and i had a blast, and at this point i told her i was ready to be intimate (which she had been patiently waiting for) and we had sex prom weekend. about two weeks later my, and her, best friend that ill call joe comes to me and says "she's fallen in love with mike" and i barely held myself together enough to walk and talk to get the details out of him. he presented the situation to me as follows: she still loves me a lot and shes conflicted because she loves mike, but feels that its wrong. also, she felt that im "one of a kind" but she doesnt wannah feel like shes married to me-she doesnt want the commitment we kinda established, and she wants to go out and have fun in college and then in the end settle down with me because she wants to "get the crazy out."

 

over several attempts of joe talking to her to get her to realize what shes doing is irrational, to no avail. and so i spilled the beans and told her that joe told me everything. she told me this: its only a stupid middle school crush and she still loves me a lot, but she still wants to break up with me when she its college to get the crazy out. knowing shes hellbent on this, i just sat and listened.

 

and friend of ours' grad party took place and long story short...i got caught looking at her phone and seeing her interactions with mike....she was pissed and cried and i apologized, but we didnt talk for three weeks until i got her to settle our problems a day ago. but in the mean time, i had a few conversations with our inner circle (whom she kept in the dark) and with mike. my friends were there just to listen and give advice, but mikes words shocked me. he said that he was only joking and acting himself (even though the txts were kinda into it, with him saying he can do this and that, and they were alll things that me and my gf did.)and he finds my gf stupid, irrational, ugly and disgusting, and that he'd never fall for her. he also liked to mention that people are very easy to manipulate, hinting at her and me.

 

everyone else feels that shes not in her right mind, and that since he rejected her (in a text) she feels like she has nowhere to go since i found out shes been trying to essentially cheat on me.

 

a thing about joe. joe likes to look at things rationally and tries to analyze people and try to fix things, but joe is two faced and goes behind everyones backs and tell the other what they say. so in a sense he threw himself between us and our problem

 

our conversation (with joe there as well because we both wanted him there as a neutral party) established this.

she told me this:

-that she knows what she did was wrong (she hasnt acted and talked to anyone like she cares though, but she hides things to the outside world, if they're not very good friends she doesnt vent anything to them) and that it was stupid to do.

-that i have been too clingy, ive been too indoorsy, that i dont act like a friend when we hang with friends and that i always try to "pull her to the side", i put guilt trips on her in our arguements, and she felt that i push to much for sexual activity.

-she feels that i dont understand her and that i dont listen

-she feels she cant talk to me about these problems because i am part of the problem

-she feels that ive been too kind over the situation with me finding out she tried to cheat on me

-she finds that "sugar coating" doest get her anywhere

-she still loves me, but she doesnt know how much or if she still wants to love me.

-she doesnt know how much she loves me after me looking at her phone, especially since theres now trust issues.

-that she doesnt want me to change because im a great guy and she doesnt want that to change

-finally, none of its my fault because she let things get worse and these problems have been present since 5 months before this sit down.

-in conclusion, we need to break up so we can take a break and she can organize herself because everything has been stressing her out (but that fails to show)

 

i told her:

-we can fix this and that breaking up and pushing the reset button makes no sense because its avoiding the problem

-i still love her because she became infatuated with some guy 600 miles away whos 18 and has no car, job or license or a future for that matter, and so it's silly.

-we've had such a good relationship until we hit this rock and we can overcome it if we just work it out through communication, and right now we havent been communicating properly.

-i posed a question: "lets say we followed your plan of separating at college. how would you feel, right now, if i found someone and i didnt love you anymore?" immediate reaction: (looked surprised and kinda worried) "why? is there someone like that now?" i said no. then: (pauses, looks down, looks back up) "well...i would be upset and hurt, and i wouldnt be proud of us that that happened, but i would have no choice but to be happy for you and deal with it."

 

outcome: we broke up because she wanted to "organize" herself and thoughts and to get over mike, and i had no choice but to agree.

 

in the aftermath i found that one of my friends texted her to make a decision the day beforeto either be with me or not. and she replied "i dont know what to do"

 

and just recently i was leaving for work when she came in, i smiled a little and waved and she did the same back. it also looked like she was trying to watch me and see what i do.

 

in the end, i realized that im not the same person she fell in love with and that i have changed over the year and a half we were together, and the first thing i need to do to hope to ever get her back is to be me. on top of that, i need to improve upon that me (ie be more outdoorsy and less clingy and more of a leader). and i need to get a hold of myself because i need to control my emotions and get a hold of myself.

 

unfortunetly, i dont know what she truly wants because some things seem like the truth and other times she seems like she's beating around the bush, and, honestly, i felt that i said a whole lot in that sit down but she told me little. on top of that, she hasnt asked for her things back and she hasnt returned my things, she's kept all the photos of us kissing and all the romantic photos we have on facebook, and she still has it that shes in a relationship with me, but claims that she doesnt know how to remove that (when she originally set up the relationship when we agreed on doing it, so she knows how to do it). Finally joe and i feel that she left things in limbo....that this whole breaking up for a while thing was a way for her to get more time to organize herself and think about what the heck is going on, or that shes just trying to put me down lightly (which shes been doing a terrible job at doing if thats the case), but i agreed to give her that space until a week or two, and we're gonnah "start over," but at this point, she has been completely not her and its not certain whats to say is probable or not.

 

joe and i looked back at what the relationship was around 4 months ago, she said i was the one and the love of her life with such conviction that she knew it in her heart and soul, and she just pulled an instant 180 in a matter of 2 weeks.

 

wow thts a lot of writing, but i feel its useful to know everything. so please give me your insight and feelings on what i should do, abandon her or try to get her back and how.

 

and one question was raised about all of this: why did i get pissed and dumped her when i caught her on her phone? also, doesnt her not saying im sorry say something about her?

my answer: getting angry gets us nowhere and i value all the memories and things we work towards in our relationship to just throw it away like that, it just not me. and to be honest, i feel that i can forgive and forget...its just a matter of willpower

also, just because one doesnt say sorry doesnt mean that they arent sorry. i saw it in her that she was guilty and that she knows she messed things up a lot, and how shes been avoiding things by trying to act perfectly normal and that shes already over it shows that shes hurting to (in my opinion at least)

 

so yeah, please take everything into consideration and please respond ASAP. i dont want to miss my chances of fixing things. ask any questions you have and ill answer as best i can.

 

thanks a million

[Ambiguous X]

If you had to sum up your problem in one sentence, what would it look like?

[jerant03]

hmmm...it looks like to me that since she's been very stressed with work, home life, and just the transition into the adult world (which she complains about A LOT), mike rejecting her (claiming that he didnt want to betray me, and my ex replied "i know. my heads all f*****ed up, and my emotions are all f*****ed up), and in combonation with me adding to that with the things she addressed when we sat down (though she only confronted me about being clingy and nothing else), that shes projecting onto our relationship (which is a behavior pattern shes displayed before because i was her biggest outlet and she felt she can let her guard down and express herself, which led to her being snappy at me when shes had problems in life), and exaggerating all the problems that we've had in our relationship and wants to avoid these problems instead of addressing them.

 

i forgot to mention a few things though. when mike rejected her, he removed her from his friends list on xbox, facebook, and his phones contact list. with that, at a friends party, she passed by joe and said "the more time im away from mike, the more i realize i should be with jerant (me)" which was like 2 days before the sitdown. also, she said we should "break up for now" whenever she brought up breaking up in our sitdown.

 

when theres a problem in life, she acts as though nothing is wrong and then lets it out behind closed doors, but this feels awkward because when we sat down, she didnt look upset but she didnt look happy either, and i asked why. she said "im just handling it differently. yes this is all getting to me but you know how i act when im stressed." however, she has picked up mikes speech patterns (like saying "oh golly" and saying "oh my gosh" the way mike says it) when she was herself before she met him

 

last thing, she told joe just before the breakup that she wanted to get her prom dress and ps3 out of my house...but im wondering "what about all the other things she has here?" she has her socks, a bag, shoes, a stuffed frog and blanket that holds great sentimental value, and she wears a lot of my clothes that she took from my closet.