The perils of facebook....

[Lyra01]

Hello,

 

I've been seeing my new bf for six months now, known each other for two years, and we are having a truly wonderful relationship. He left his previous wife and child about ten months ago as he was no longer happy, and is currently sorting the divorce. Their child is 3 years old.

 

I've had a lot to cope with/get my head around to be getting involved with someone who has been married (well, is) and has a child, and at times it's been really tough and we've had a lot to talk about and work out.

 

My latest issue is Facebook and I am completely split about my feelings and so wanted some input before I talk to my bf.

 

He currently is friends with his ex on Facebook. He says he wants to be because if she posts any photos of his daughter, he wants to see them. He has deleted all of his Wall posts so it's a blank profile, and says if I want him to, he will delete her completely, or restrict her access so she can't see his wall or photos etc.

 

What should I do?

 

Whilst I understand that she may post photos he'd want to see, should he be getting on and making his own memories with his daughter? Is it a bit controlling of him? Or am I over-reacting? He only wants to be involved in his daughter's life and isn't interested in his ex/no threat to me?

 

Please help my mixed up head!!

[DN]

I think wanting to see what his daughter is doing via her mother's Facebook is very reasonable.

[lavenderdove]

I think you're overreacting. They will be connected for life because they share a child, and if they have a friendly relationship due to a shared child, that is far better off in the long run.

 

And seeing photos and what's going on could be a good thing, because people put amazing things up sometimes that for some reason they never think other people will notice... I actually caught a guy who I'd been dating (who was lying to me about not being married), via a FB connection from his web page, to his ex-wife's page, where the ex-wife had photos of him with his CURRENT wife at famliy functions where the first wife's and his son were involved. So i found out what he was up to (lying about being single) via FB. If he hadn't had connections to his ex-wife, i never would have seen those pictures and would have been in the dark as to his deception.

 

He (or you) could keep tabs on his ex wife too to see if she is doing anything that risks their child. People announce they are drinking, having big parties, dating someone who has problems etc on FB. Amazing what private things they will spill that are good to know!

 

So i think it is harmless and might be very useful for him to stay connected to her FB and to be able to see what is on it. Useful to you too if you see anything pop up on her FB that indicates anything fishy is going on between them.

[ToF]

He has deleted all of his Wall posts so it's a blank profile, and says if I want him to, he will delete her completely, or restrict her access so she can't see his wall or photos etc.

 

It sounds like he's willing to do pretty much anything to make you feel comfortable with this, so I don't think you have any need for suspicion.

 

Is this his only means of keeping up with his daughter's life? And what exactly are your concerns with this?

 

You probably won't want to hear this, but I think it might be a good idea to take a step back from this relationship until his divorce is final. It sounds like you still have some concerns about the relationship between him and his wife, which is very normal. So to protect yourself, I would wait on this one until he's officially divorced. An added bonus of this would be that it would prevent you from being a "rebound" girlfriend.

[ForumGuy]

Yes, as long as is he out in the open to everyone about your relationship, you shouldn't feel threatened by Facebook. I can't help but wonder about you knowing him for two years, and his split up happening just 10 months ago. I trust that you two were just friends during the 14 months prior to the break-up.

[Lyra01]

I honestly can't thank all the people who have responded enough. This is exactly what I need - to be told I'm over-reacting. Thank you.

 

Our relationship is completely out in the open yes. After he'd met me, he felt that he could be happier with another person as him and his wife had drifted apart. He then felt he needed to leave to go and find true happiness. Nothing happened at all between us and no conversations were had about a potential future between us. We just got on very well as friends, and both knew we could only be friends. He then told me he was leaving her, left her, and we had long, long talks before getting together.

 

It does sound like a good idea for me to step back until the divorce is final. I mean, currently I am seeing a married man if you look at it like that, and I don't want it to seem like that.

 

They currently have an arrangement in place whereby they take it in turns around work to collect their daughter and take her to nursery. They take it in turns to have her over the weekend too. I'm included in all discussions about this, and they've set up a schedule for all of us to view. Everyone is being sensible and reasonable. (I just need to get my head there too!). My bf has just started to have his daughter at his house one night a week too. Maybe I'll feel better once I've met her, which should be happening soon.

 

Thanks again for all of your help x

[superfox]

Best of luck to you, it sounds like the perfect divorce if such an animal exists! I wish more people could be grown up about these things

[Lyra01]

Me again sorry.....

 

Update: I didn't feel the need to make the Facebook thing into an issue so I didn't. As it turned out, he decided himself to restrict her access so she can't see anything of his anymore after she'd posted a load of rubbish on Twitter about how he had changed his relationship status on FB and how I must have forced him into doing it etc etc. Neither of us are on Twitter - one of his friends let him know.

 

The thing I'm finding most hard right now is the family thing. Well, his parents really. I finally met them at the weekend as they invited us for dinner. It was all very polite, but after dinner his Mum felt the need to talk about his ex and his daughter a fair amount. I didn't let it get to me because there is a lot of shared history and I have and am accepting that. I've met his daughter a few times now, and I know he is including me as much as he can.

 

What is upsetting me right now is that his parents are having a family party next week to celebrate their anniversary. My bf had a phone call from them to let him know that they've invited his ex to their party too. They just invited her without asking him first, and they've told him they won't be shutting her out of their life. How can I get on with this? Am I over-reacting again?