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Engaged but my gut says Run!

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Hi I'm in desperate need of some good advice my fiance and I got engaged recently we have been together for a year and a half. I love him with all my heart and have done everything possible to make him happy. He's wanted me to change a lot of things about me which I have done because I thought they would make me a better person. I'm 28 years old he's 45 he treats me like his child. He tells me how I should act and speak in public and dress. He wants me to be perfect he's made me attend etiquette classes he says I have to go to toastmasters because I don't speak properly and it will help me. He made a list of all the things he didn't like about me and showed it to me 6 months into our relationship most of the reasons had to do with my job because I had a great career but worked a lot of hours. In order to save our relationship and gray to make him happy I decided to quit my job a year into our relationship. I became everything he wanted me to be a good cook clean ip after him basically the girl guy would love to be with. Despite all the changes I've made he says I'm not good enough to become his wife and he wants to be happy in his marriage and he constantly says he's not happy with me. He snaps at me for little things I'm constantly on pins and needles. He has a list of rules that if I break he will threaten to break up with me. I always have to out everything away like if I forget to put away a glass he flips out and says I'm a slob and he doesn't want to marry someone who isn't as anal about cleaning as he is. If I'm ever late even 5 minutes for anything he gets mad and cancels and says if you can't be on time you don't deserve to go. He says im not good enough to be his wife because I burned the rice one time. He's constantly mad at me about something like I can't do anything right. If were at dinner and I dint talk enough he kicks me under the table so I talk more. He says your opinion doesn't matter you will believe whatever I tell you to believe.


I don't know why I've stayed with him I was hoping he would change if I made the changes he wants. Despite bring engaged he says he doesn't know if were right for each other because were so different. I'm very laid back and easy going and he's the complete opposite. Were suppose to get married in a few months but he says he's nit sure so he doesn't want to send out the invitations. I'm really frustrated and tired of trying so hard to live up to his expectations. I don't know what to do I feel like he will never be happy with me or anyone because he wants perfection and that doesn't exist. I'm tired of it and I just want go call it off. I keep telling him he's emotionally abusive and his words hurt me a lot but he says he's just being honest and communicating what he wants.


I'm very attractive and young and have a greets career and even though I love him with all my heart I think it's time I should walk away if he doesn't want me there's plenty of guys out there that would love to be with a girl like me.


Please give me your input I'm engaged and it's really hard to walk away but I feel like marrying him would be a big mistake and he will never change.

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he wants you to change, you hope if you change then he will change??? that a whole lot of changing. this is so extreme that i too wondered if it is for real. assuming it is, you need to leave this relationship NOW. no promises to change, no last minute efforts on his part, just leave. he does not love you, he is trying to own you and treat you like a prized POSSESSION. can you imagine if you marry him. he will think he has full control of you. right now you are giving him far too much control. only you can change that!!!

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Don't believe that "I'm just being honest" crap. He's not being honest, he's being cruel. You will NEVER change enough for him. NEVER. You will try and try and try and there will always be something else. Please do not sign up for a lifetime of that. You deserve better than that. You are not perfect and you never will be and nobody should expect it from you.


You're gut couldn't be more right. Run.

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Dear god. Please run and never look back at this guy. He's emotionally abusing you and trying to change you into something that you aren't. You should always be yourself no matter what. If he doesn't like who you are, then you need to leave. He sounds to me like he was one of those arrogant, selfish conceited jerk-offs that wound up getting successful by kissing his bosses ass at work. You seem pretty level headed and you should never give up a career for someone. Personally, I hate someone that isn't independent and working. For him to want you to just be perfect and his slave just shows you that he's a sexist pig who will probably end up resenting you down the road for "burning the pasta." ;-)

I treat every woman I'm with how they should be treated. With respect and consideration and making sure that they do have a voice and an opinion.


I hope it works out for you,

you deserve better. We all do.




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Stepford wife syndrome much? Look up stepford wife along with control freak. This is abuse, verbally and emotionally, also physically at times. It is no surprise that he is 45 and you are so much younger than him because a woman his age wouldn't put up with this * * * * e. She would tell him to hit the road. In your naivete you are becoming whatever he molds you to be so that you can feel loved and accepted by him. Whether it's daddy issues or self-esteem issues, you need to seek a professional out for this. Go to a psychologist and talk to them (specifically an abuse specialist). This is NOT ok for him to be treating you this way. You were in denial for a year and a half and it seems you are seeing some of the light. Come out of the dark and see the rest so that you can find a man that doesn't ask you to change everything about yourself to suit his own insecurities.

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He's a manipulative, passive-aggressive, ego-centric control freak with OCD. He'll only get worse with time as he sets deeper into his old ways. He'll make your life a living misery [if it isn't already].


The only positive thing is - you can see what he's doing and you don't like it. Don't wait for him refer you to a personal trainer for jogging lessons. Just...RUN! NOW!

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Exactly. I was in a similar relationship/marriage to a much older man. His issues didn't come through until right after the marriage sadly. They won't get better, you'll feel more and more alone and more determined to prove 'them' wrong and try and make it work. It has taken me a heck of a long time to even think myself worthy again and I'm way older than you. Get out now. If you're still doubting then please PLEASE keep your own bank account separate and/or open a savings (escape) account for when the day comes when you are stronger. Do not marry this man.


I mentioned the same syndrome here last week but also look up STOCKHOLM SYNDROME this is where the victim falls in 'love' with the abuser/kidnapper due to their control and a misguided sense of love and caring.

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Yes, you SHOULD trust your gut and run - the sooner the better. Can you honestly LIVE with this control freak for the rest of your life? Please re-read your entire post many many times and then ask yourself what's wrong with the picture. You have tons of red warning flags all over the place, the writing is on the wall. Can you REALLY live like this?

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I don't know why I've stayed with him
- is that not your answer right there?




I feel like marrying him would be a big mistake and he will never change.
- sureley this is a gut instinct response? No-one can advise you, but I think you already know what to do..


and this:


I was hoping he would change if I made the changes he wants


..is a conditional statement - the 'if' part says you may a) be doing something you don't want to & b) doing it for him, not yourself and c) doing it in the expectation that he will change, which you shouldn't have to do - you either accept him the way he is or he should be willing to change because he wants to, not because you are trying to please him to make him change! Its not a good recipe for a strong relationship, it's a recipe for a lot of future unhappiness..

I would have thought you'd prefer to be with somebody you can accept the way they are and vice-versa?


Despite bring engaged he says he doesn't know if were right for each other


- then why is he engaged to you? That comment is really unflattering - are you prepared to compromise your self-esteem to be with a guy who is willing to go ahead and marry you, even though he has openly said he thinks you're not right for each other? Sounds like he's going to be in control if you get married - because that comment has hints of "your not good enough for me" but I'll marry you despite my concerns or that he's holding back emotionally - also, possibly a control issue he has - it's like by saying this he can be emotionally unavailable to you..


I get the impression you're very in love with him, but he's playing 'distancing' games to stay in control - I wouldnt think this if he wasn't going to marry you and just said plainly: "I don't want to get married" - if he's going to go ahead after saying this: he sees it as beneficial to himself.


If he you want to marry him - I think it would be wise to seriously consider these things before you get close to a decision to do it..

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  • 1 year later...

Everyone I'm happy to report that I walked away from the engagement shortly after writing this. He proposed again twice but I turned him down. I'm going to regular therapy sessions to make sure I never end up in a unhealthy relationship like this.


You guys have no idea how much your comments gave me the strength to walk away. I have re-read this thread hundreds of times and everytime I think of him I re-read it to remind myself why I'm not with him.


Thanks so much everyone your comments helped me avoid the biggest mistake of my life!

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