Should I ask my bf's friend?

[midnightdeirdre]

Hey everyone,

 

As a lot of you may know from a previous thread, my bf is babysitting his friend's baby Mon-Fri, while the mother is taking a class. (She is off weekends.) This past weekend I spent there was not bad; but as I said, the apartment is cramped. My bf said that if they don't need him this weekend he will come down and visit me. Let me tell you ~ there were more than enough adults in that apartment to watch the baby and the 2 kids who stayed there.

 

Whenever I ask my bf if he can come down, he tends to get defensive and say he won't know until later. (He says that he doesn't want to get my hopes up by saying, "Yes, I can def come down", but then have something come up and crush me by the change of plans. Which is understandable, but why can't he find those things out sooner?)

 

So I'm tempted to send his friend (name Zach) a facebook message politely asking if my bf can have the weekends off. Here is an idea I have on what to send:

 

hey Zach!

First off, thanks for letting me stay at your apartment last weekend. Everyone was nice, your kids were cute, and I had a nice time.

I have a favor to ask. Would it be all right if Jason had the weekends free? It's MUCH easier for him to come down and visit me than it is for me to drive up there. (He takes the train down.) Between the cost of gas and me not having a job, his weekends free would make things so much easier for us.

 

...sound good? I haven't sent it yet, but I think this would be a good thing to say.

 

My counselor has said I shouldn't anticipate (too much) that my bf might say, "Sorry I can't come down, they need me here." But if he does say that, I will be appalled. As I said, the mother doesn't have her class on the weekends, and Zach didn't go to work when I was there (so he obviously must have the weekends off too). I will try not to anticipate it too much...but still, should that happen, I will have to make it clear that his staying up there when it's evident he doesn't really have to upsets me greatly. I want to see him too, I'm his gf, and he's already up there 5 days a week. (When the mother comes home, he hands over the baby and is off duty.)

 

Ok, ok, the above paragraph I just needed to vent out. On the other note, should I send the facebook message? (Either way, I'm going to ask my bf why he gets defensive when I ask him future plans. He likes to play things by ear, which I don't mind doing sometimes too, but I also really like to have a plan. Thanks!

[charity]

yep that sounds fine....IF YOU ARE HIS MOTHER!!! do not send that message, it is your bf's job to do that. you should only be discussing this with him, not his friend. you doing this could be seen as being quite manipulative.

[DN]

No, absolutely not. That would be an outrageous thing to do on more than one level.

[midnightdeirdre]

No, absolutely not. That would be an outrageous thing to do on more than one level.

 

Ok, ok, I'm glad I didn't send it, lol. But can you explain more why sending a message like that would be so horrible?

[midnightdeirdre]

Interesting how I tend to be a total optimist sometimes...I don't quite understand why asking his friend for his weekends free would be so "outrageous." Obviously, if my bf were working for some company I would never email his boss something like this, but Zach is his friend.

[charity]

exactly....HIS friend. HIS work situation....HIS dilemma. you can't go above his head and ask permission for him to have time off. he has to do that. it would look like is a baby cause he didn't ask himself. it may also give HIS friend the impression that your bf minding the baby is an inconvenience to your relationship.

[DN]

It makes him look like a total wimp.

It makes you look controlling.

It puts his friend on the spot.

It could jeopardise his job.

[midnightdeirdre]

Thank you all for the valid points on the facebook message.

 

 

 

But what about this issue? What if he says they need him on the weekend, when I've clearly observed that they really don't? BOTH parents are off on the weekends, and another couple lives with them. (Four adults are around to help Sat & Sun, why do they need a fifth?) And come on, I deserve to see & spend time with him too.

[DrKitten]

Ask your boyfriend why they would need him on the weekend. Maybe the others have other plans or obligations.

[WockaWocka]

But what about this issue? What if he says they need him on the weekend, when I've clearly observed that they really don't? BOTH parents are off on the weekends, and another couple lives with them. (Four adults are around to help Sat & Sun, why do they need a fifth?) And come on, I deserve to see & spend time with him too.

 

You spending time with him is an issue between the two of you. His work obligations are entirely between him and his friends/employers. The family determines what they need or don't need and your opinion doesn't matter in the least. Maybe the 4 adults who work all week want to go out on Saturday nights and your bf can get an extra shift. Frankly it's none of your beeswax why they would need his help on the weekends. Childcare pays very little and the name of the game is availability. Maybe he wants to make sure he's always available so they don't find someone else.

 

The fact that your bf won't or can't make a firm commitment about his weekend plans is frustrating for you, but there's not much you can really do beyond encouraging him to be more assertive as you've already done.

 

If you found out in advance that he couldn't come visit this weekend what other plans would you make instead? I'd suggest making those other plans, that way you're not so hung up on his availability.

[midnightdeirdre]

You spending time with him is an issue between the two of you. His work obligations are entirely between him and his friends/employers. The family determines what they need or don't need and your opinion doesn't matter in the least. Maybe the 4 adults who work all week want to go out on Saturday nights and your bf can get an extra shift. Frankly it's none of your beeswax why they would need his help on the weekends. Childcare pays very little and the name of the game is availability. Maybe he wants to make sure he's always available so they don't find someone else.

 

When you have children, you've made a commitment to nurture and take care of them, not to always get free help from a friend who will happily watch them (he hasn't even been paid for his services yet). I'm not saying his friends are using him ~ they've made it clear they want me to feel welcome in their home whenever I come up to visit. So sorry, looks like it certainly is "my beeswax."

[Seraphim]

I think the trouble is it is not being treated like a job. It is a job as if he went to a work place. It is exactly the same. You would not call his boss at a regular work place and say,"excuse me but I want some time with my boyfriend so can you please make sure he does not work weekends" He would have no job the minute after you hung up the phone. This is a regular job, so it is better to treat it like one.

[DN]

When you have children, you've made a commitment to nurture and take care of them, not to always get free help from a friend who will happily watch them (he hasn't even been paid for his services yet). I'm not saying his friends are using him ~ they've made it clear they want me to feel welcome in their home whenever I come up to visit. So sorry, looks like it certainly is "my beeswax."

That is for your boyfriend and his friends to decide between them.

 

I really think you are being more than a little stubborn over this.

[midnightdeirdre]

That is for your boyfriend and his friends to decide between them.

 

I really think you are being more than a little stubborn over this.

 

How is it stubborn that I want to spend time with my boyfriend? He's there 5 days a week; he and I are in a relationship, so I deserve to see him at least a couple times while he has agreed to work for his friends.

 

I'm not asking him to blow off his friends if they need him, but I know PLENTY of couples who manage raising their children just fine without free help from friends. As I said, their puny apartment has 4 adults already living there. Why should they be able to go out & party while they make my bf watch their kids?

 

As far as I know, he hasn't even been paid yet for his services. Everytime I babysat for someone ~ a neighbor, a family friend, a cousin ~ they always made it very clear to me when and how much they were going to pay me for my time and effort watching their kids. I won't say anything about this unless my bf asks, but I just don't want him to be taken advantage of.

[Seraphim]

Yes, you do have a right to see your bf, however it is when he has time. If he is being defensive then he too feels you are being too pushy. These people are providing him with a place to LIVE. Yes, you got paid for babysitting, HOWEVER you were not living with these people for FREE now were you? This is the part that does not seem to be coming through or that you are forgetting. He lives with these people and THEY pay for him to live there. If you cause too much angst he may have to look for a new home. So you know, he is NOT being taken advantage of. He has free food to eat and a free place to plant himself. If he has to babysit this is a small sacrifice for a place to live.

[WockaWocka]

How is it stubborn that I want to spend time with my boyfriend? He's there 5 days a week; he and I are in a relationship, so I deserve to see him at least a couple times while he has agreed to work for his friends.

 

Here's the crux of the issue: where is it written that you deserve a certain amount of time with your bf? Yes you may want to see him a couple times a week. Maybe you want to see him every day five times a day. Heck, maybe you want to be joined at the hip and completely inseparable from him 24/7.

 

But here's the thing: what you want doesn't really matter unless you're his other employer and he's contractually obligated to you. Other than that everything about you and his time is a WANT and not a need or an OBLIGATION.

 

Consider military spouses who spend years without their husbands/wives. Do they want to see them every week? Yes, for the most part. But they can't get that. You wouldn't call up your boyfriend's commander and ask that his tour of duty be ended early because you really deserve more time with him, would you? I certainly hope not. The only thing you could do would be to ask your bf not to re-enlist when he got home. His current job is far from a military deployment, but the same boundaries still apply. Whatever your concerns are about his work hours, his pay, whether or not they really need him on weekends, etc, the most you can really do about it is talk to HIM, not to Zach or anyone else.

[Seraphim]

Yes, as a military wife I would love to see my husband daily. Last year he was away for 5 months. This year he going to Afghanistan and Thule, gone for another 5 months. We were apart for 4.5 years but for the odd weekend because he was posted elsewhere training and working. Does it bother me? Sure. The thing is though this is my husband's career and it provides us a living. If I phoned his CO and asked for him not to be deployed they would think I had lost my mind and so would he.

 

The other thing is if it was not for these people where would your bf be living? Sidewalk in a box? I think it is very gracious to give someone a free home when they have 3 of their own kids to support. I know I would not let a grown person live off me for free for very long.

[TomboyMS]

I'm beginning to suspect that the boyfriend may not want to visit. Perhaps he needs to BREATHE?

[midnightdeirdre]

He's visiting this weekend. So ha.

[midnightdeirdre]

I'm beginning to suspect that the boyfriend may not want to visit. Perhaps he needs to BREATHE?

 

When he calls me he is exhausted beyond belief after watching the baby. He'll get to breathe when he visits me, away from that cramped apartment.

[midnightdeirdre]

The other thing is if it was not for these people where would your bf be living? Sidewalk in a box? I think it is very gracious to give someone a free home when they have 3 of their own kids to support. I know I would not let a grown person live off me for free for very long.

 

He was living at home with his mother before his friends asked him to watch their baby. (Free of charge, I will add.) So he may move back in with his mom when he is done at the apartment.

[Seraphim]

Why should anyone of 26 years old or so live free of charge with their parent? That is taking advantage of the parent. I paid to live at home when I was at home from the day I turned 18. Letting people live at home free in my opinion promotes laziness.

[Kitkat973]

It's already been said, but it's for him to deal with his employer, not for you. If he states that he cannot commit to something, then you need to respect that. You can ask him if he can ask for a weekend off (or another, rather, as you've said he's coming this weekend), but that's no more appropriate a move to make than it'd be appropriate for him to do the same thing to you if the situation were reversed.

 

I think you need to take a step back and take a look at your actions/feelings disconnected from yourself, and analyze from that perspective.

[hexaemeron]

Autumnrose, again, no one agrees with you. I think you really, REALLY need to take a step back and logically look at your feelings and motivations. Every thread you start kinda goes pear-shaped like this. Maybe it's time to really start listening and not defend your feelings just because you feel them.

[midnightdeirdre]

You would not call his boss at a regular work place and say,"excuse me but I want some time with my boyfriend so can you please make sure he does not work weekends" He would have no job the minute after you hung up the phone.

Heh...I was thinking about this statement recently. A part of me thinks that perhaps if a boss received a phone call like that, he/she would shrug it off as a prank call.