I really need some advice...

[Antimatter]

I have been dating and living with this girl for about 4 months now. I started living with her because of my own life issues/family problems. I know it wasn't the best thing to do, but I really didn't have anywhere to go and she really cares about and loves me. We started dating about a month prior to me coming to live at her parents house. I felt bad, but got adjusted quickly and got fairly close to her parents. They like me a lot and feel that I'm good for her. I make her really happy. But even at first, she rushed into things uber fast. Saying she loved me, she wanted to marry me and blah blah blah. I'm 27, and she's 26. She's a great girl and while living with her, I did end up falling in love with her. I love her with all of my heart but there are a few things for concern for me. First and foremost is the fact that she wants to get married RIGHT AWAY. She feels that halloween of THIS year would be too far away. We JUST started dating in march. I might not mind as much if we were BOTH independent and had our lives together; i.e. job, friends, alone time, etc etc... But she can't work because she has panic attacks and pretty much does nothing all day. I'm trying to find work as well and in between I work with her dad learning plumbing which I actually don't mind doing as it is work and I HATE being home all day doing nothing. I've always been an independent person and relied on myself to do everything ever since I was 20. I took the wrong path when I was younger so I had to learn it myself. Back to the matter at hand. I tell her that I do want to get married because that's what I've been wanting for so long. Just to settle down and be happy and have a good and normal life. But when I tell her that I don't want to get married right away, she tells me that I'm giving her the run-around and "lying" to her about it when all I want is to set up a life, have jobs, have a place, have my OWN car which I had to take off the road last year before we get married. Everytime I talk to her about it she says that she doesn't understand and what I want doesn't make sense and getting married has nothing to do with having a life. I disagree. And I tell her, but it's an argument. We are however, engaged and this does make me happy. But it really bothers me that she's so driven to get married right away because to her it's her proclaiming her love for me which I understand. But does it HAVE to be right now when we don't have anything to show for ourselves being that were both in our late 20's? I am a lover of all things psychological and know through many relationships and reading various people is that she's insecure and trying to fill a void left by someone. I make her really happy apparently and she makes me happy sometimes. But she's made me out to be her WORLD and that scares me. I made someone my world and I got utterly crushed and broken because of it and because of that relationship, I may be holding back from fully committing to someone (I was going to propose to my ex and we both knew we would get married and then she ended it over reasons unknown only to date an acquaintance of mine and end up marrying him instead).

She can be a WONDERFUL person, lover and fiance but sometimes she can be demanding, controlling, insecure, and untrusting (partly my fault). She can be clingly, needy and CONSTANTLY wanting sex. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but she doesn't seem to understand that I don't want to have sex all the time and when I say no, she gets upset, but when she says no, it doesn't bother me and I say "ok, that's fine, I understand."

She's irresponsible when it comes to money. Whenever I do those jobs with her dad, the money just gets blown and spent on other things. I say no, but she makes excuses and rationalizes how we can afford certain things. I.E. Our cell phone: I just got sprint and the htc EVO 4g phones were free and she wanted to go on my plan making it more expensive to afford when her dad pays for her droid pro that she bought herself from selling puppies that her dogs had. Why on earth does she need two phones? I told her that once I start working, I will put her back on it but that didn't seem good enough. Were all about communication in this relationship being that we damn near spend every waking minute with each other since neither of us have a job (as mentioned previously), but she still gets mad if I say no.

Ok, enough with the financial aspect.

As per the medication she's been on for a couple of years because of the panic attacks she used to have, it's caused a significant weight gain. I know this may sound really shallow but please don't judge me because I still do insanely love her personality. We got together when she was overweight and I later found out that used to be thinner. A decent amount thinner. I'm not one wanting to date a skinny rail or a supermodel, but just an average body type fits me and my preference. The meds caused her weight gain and it'd be good if she can lose the meds and get back to where she used to be physically, mentally, financially, emotionally yada yada yada...And I don't mean that it'd be good for ME. I'm not that sexist. I mean that it'd be good for HER because I want to see her get better with my support. I'm a fairly fit person. I love working out and being active and because of the meds, they've caused her to alter her sleep schedule so much that she doesn't even go to sleep at night that much anymore, she's wide awake. I'm up at 8, or 9 wanting her to get up but she just sleeps because she goes to sleep a few hours before I wake up.

Ok...I know this is A LOT to respond but please bear with me.

I've caused her some issues while we were dating, I haven't been an angel, but that's a relationship, there's ups and down's. I do love her and her family. They're awesome. But I feel like I could do better. I guess I envisioned myself being with someone more independent, more stable, more average in body type. I find myself "looking" at other girls but feeling like that's all it is...is looks. I love being with my fiance, we get along so great sometimes, but the things she says legitimately scares me. Am I afraid of committing to her because she isn't the one? Shouldn't I KNOW if she's "the one?" And if she isn't, should I end it? Because that will in essence, destroy her and her world.

I don't know if I'm prepared to face being selfish again for my happiness and being content. I still don't have anything and I know working towards it I can get it again, but my family issues actually outweigh my relationship issues. It's a far worse option going to live with my mother than it is living with her. Emotionally, mentally, physically and hygienically.

 

I know this is a lot and if anyone can respond back that'd be great. I won't be going anywhere anytime soon...

 

Thanks,

B

[Angel Irulan]

Hey, I think you've got some steps to take to move forward. Please, don't ask her to quit her meds. She needs them! Take her to a gym and get her to work out! Is she a housebound agoraphobe? That's a huge problem. Wow! You feel so responsible for her happiness that would scare anyone off! It should scare her too. It likely does and that's why all the high pressure demands. She's never lived alone, obviously and needs to move out of her parents house and go to school so she can work some type of job with assistance. If you're in the US they have to make accomodations for PA's. Has she ever worked before? Does she have a social life beyond you? Go places? Travel? I have so many questions about her status. If she can't work now, that may not change in the future. That's a lot of pressure for you. If you're the traditional type and think it's okay for women not to work, fine. If not, I sense a deal breaker coming up. Her illness. She is going to hate you if you break up with her over it, and likely you'll hate yourself. But you really have to address the can you be happy with this issue before you move forward. Living with her was a really dumb idea. I don't mean that to sound hateful. I really don't. But so many things in your life aren't stable and neither are hers.

 

I think you should move.

 

Angel

[Cesca]

First of all, as you've addressed she clearly is very insecure which no doubt links to her anxiety/panic attacks. I've suffered from the same for a while so I can understand in a way where she's coming from, but the behaviour she shows is the exact kind of thing I try to suppress with my boyfriend for fear of scaring him off! Starting with the marriage thing, you need to sit her down and come up with a compromise. Reassure her that you love her and don't take "if you loved me you'd marry me now" as an answer. If someone I loved said that to me I'd be incredibly offended at the lack of trust. Argue your point as much as you can and reiterate it til she understands. I've also been there unable to get a job because of the panic attacks, this is not something she should be living with. If her medication is failing in terms of the inability to leave the house and find work then something else should be done. Therapy, self help, there are plenty of techniques that cost nothing to help with such things. If she is lazy and doesn't want a job then she won't bother. If she wants the help she'll take it. It can't be good for you to be in each other's space for so long also, I know if I spent almost every second of the day with my boyfriend I'd go mad. You need that time apart to really appreciate each other so perhaps when you can it would be a good idea to move out for a while. Also maybe taking some time apart you'll realise what you really want.

[Tanzi]

. But I feel like I could do better.

 

These few words speak louder than anything else you have said. You have still only been together 4 months, you moved in after a month and are already engaged. You jumped in way too soon without really giving yourself enough time to know if this is what you really want. Her issues have lead her to become heavily dependant on you and it is this dependency that is leading her to push for marriage. The only way out of this situation is for you to move out of her family home and to just "date" each other, but I know, now that you are there, this is much easier said than done. Nevertheless you really need to slow things down a bit and to put things back where they should be at such an early stage. On top of which, as you are living with her parents, you can't have much time to yourselves and it already seems like her parents have adopted you as their son-in-law. This is all way too much, way too soon. Has she really thought seriously about your future? Where does she think you will live when you get married? At home still? Is this what YOU want? Why won't she allow you to save? If you weren't living together yet you knew you were serious about each other this would be an incentive for her to want you to both to start saving for a place of your own.

 

Bottom line, this is moving way too quickly and you need to slow things down drastically.

[Antimatter]

Ok...Thank you all so much for your input. I appreciate it. I'll go down the list and answer the question and hopefully I'll get responses back.

 

Angel: Yes, she used to work a lot and had a life and social life. We go out when we can. We can't afford to travel. After the panic attacks, she left, tried to work, then left again. She's been out of work for almost 2 years now and disability is on the horizon for her. No. No social life besides me and I don't either. I have pretty much give her a complete rundown and detailed itinerary about who I'm going to hang-out with if I do. So, I just don't. I don't have many friends because I don't really go out much anymore. She WILL work...eventually. I hope. She wants to be a dermatologist. Lots of school. Yes, it is a lot pressure for me. I'm not the traditional type. I'd rather her be independent and work and have her own life which she doesn't seem to want anymore. All she wants is me. There have been many times that we've gotten into arguments over small petty things as well as big things. I've threatened to leave because I was tired of her going through my phone and my computer. She was reading messages, deleting stuff. I don't want to leave. I'm happy with her and here, I just don't think she envisions anything else but marriage as this point. I know. It was a dumb idea. I thought that if I came here, I would be able to be more stable. And I am. A little bit. She will hate me, and that's what I don't want.

 

a-little-blue: She has thought about our future. But only in being with me. She thinks everything else will magically and eventually happen for us and that marriage has nothing to do with it. Maybe it's "traditional" of me, but I believe in being stable by myself first before going down that road. And I know. I said it myself. But how do I break her heart and crush her while having to go be even more miserable living with my pill-addicted mother. I'd rather be happy with her and see what we could accomplish than doing that. I have a better outlook on where I'm heading if I live her. And all of this puts me in a serious catch-22. Yes, she wants to get married and still be living at home. I've tried to compromise with her on so many levels. It all just seems so fast. And no, what I want I've expressed with her but she puts the brakes on me and rationalizes why she wants to get married so fast.

 

I think I answered everyone...

Anymore questions, let me know...

 

Thanks,

B

[Tanzi]

And why does she want to get married so fast? I mean real reasons, not excuses to keep hold of you brought on by her issues, insecurities and dependency on you.

[julieannec1969]

??? Oh come on! She too u in, and u accepted because u didn't want to be on the streets!

Her father gave u a job.

You are taking and taking and taking..and won't go the distance.

You think about what u don't have ..it goes on and on. Yet u say u love her.

U go on about her imperfections, her weight, her mentall state, and more. Sheeish!

YOu want to be set up first u say.. What? so u can leave?..sure sounds that is where u are really taking this.

Stop using the girl Man! Get out!

She shouldn't have to suffer this because u feel obigated to her.

You used her, and still are using the situation and milking it for what u can get.

Other wise..you'd already be gone. U are half way there now.

You got a strange defination of love.

Poor girl!

Stop living the lie. She's right..u are lying to her. Decieving her!

Dragging her along so u can be 'comfortable' and so u can get your broke ass some where...

Apparently u are still getting no where and stop blaming it on her.

Man up!

u choose this. and u choose it ever day u woke up. U choose it to save your ass. U are not further ahead and it's not the girls fault. It's yours.

Leave her alone. She dont' need u.

Terrible!