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I feel like I'm wasting my youth


mirage

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I'm 22 years old with just a semester left of college. If you met me in person you'd think I had no problem with meeting girls. I'm funny and charismatic, in great shape, tall, people tell me I'm a handsome guy. I did a varsity sport 4 years through college. I'm involved in acting and singing and would like to take a shot to pursue that in the next few years. On top of that I squeeze in time to play in a band. And there's my classes, but that's not that important to me. When school was in session I'd always be very busy to really worry about anything.

 

Then I look back and I realize that even though I've been productive with my time, I've never been happy with girls. I've never had a girlfriend and I never go out on dates. I know girls find me desirable. I did one play that was mostly girls and by the end of it a lot of them became really attracted to my personality...unfortunately the one girl I was interested in the cast wasn't into me...talk about a catch 22. I realize I can be picky and if I wanted ANY girlfriend I could have had it, but I want a girl I feel something for. Though, there have been plenty of girls that I was interested in that seemed to just fade out of my life or not give a damn about me. I've seen other people date a ton and it always baffles me how they do it.

 

When people talk about the teenage romances they've had or even just the lustful hookups, I always get down, because I missed out on that and there's no going back. I have one semester of school left and a whole year of living in this area before I move on, and I want to make the best of it - meet girls and go on dates. If something develops then great, but if not then I at least want a chance. I don't know where to start though. Does anyone have any insight? I'd appreciate anything.

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First of all, those people who have lots of "teenage romances" and "lustful hookups" are probably not being very picky. You say you've had many girls attracted to you but haven't been attracted to them. Maybe you are just pickier than most guys your age? Definitely something to think about. It's not a bad thing, it just may be a reason you haven't ever had the relationship you crave. While we're on the topic, what is it about the girls who were attracted to you that made them not attractive in your eyes? What kinds of girls are you generally attracted to?

 

Second of all, you are not wasting your youth! My boyfriend is almost 34 and he is quite possibly the most physically attractive, intelligent, fun person I've ever dated. The way I feel about him blows the way I felt about my first boyfriend at 18 out of the water. Not to say you'll have to wait that long to be in a relationship, just realize that it's never too late for mind-blowing romance.

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First of all, those people who have lots of "teenage romances" and "lustful hookups" are probably not being very picky. You say you've had many girls attracted to you but haven't been attracted to them. Maybe you are just pickier than most guys your age? Definitely something to think about. It's not a bad thing, it just may be a reason you haven't ever had the relationship you crave. While we're on the topic, what is it about the girls who were attracted to you that made them not attractive in your eyes? What kinds of girls are you generally attracted to?

 

I know I'm pickier than a lot of guys, but not so picky that I rule out any girl I meet. I've only asked out maybe 5 girls in my life, and all these girls were ones I liked so much that I couldn't let them slip by. I would have liked to ask out a lot more, but I lost the opportunity before I could. All 5 of the girls I asked out rejected me though, but for each of those girls that I felt strongly for, there were several girls out there at the same time who wanted me. I understand rejection because while I'm getting rejected, I realize I'm rejecting those other girls. But by this time, at least one should have come along that felt mutual feelings for me.

 

I wasn't into those other girls for all different reasons. Most of them were decent girls who I was fine being around, but I just didn't have chemistry with them, and I'm not ashamed to say that I just didn't find many of them to be physically attractive to me. I'm not a superficial guy either - he most recent girl I asked out was actually a kinda-nerdy girl that I've acted with for years. People thought she was cute but she wasn't known for her looks or anything. After knowing her for so long and clicking on so many levels with her, I found her to be beautiful. We had some very particular things in common that you wouldn't believe. I thought she would be great for me, but she didn't feel the same way about me.

 

Second of all, you are not wasting your youth! My boyfriend is almost 34 and he is quite possibly the most physically attractive, intelligent, fun person I've ever dated. The way I feel about him blows the way I felt about my first boyfriend at 18 out of the water. Not to say you'll have to wait that long to be in a relationship, just realize that it's never too late for mind-blowing romance.

 

I'm confident by the time I'm older I'll be more active, but you see, your experience with guys as an 18 year old gave you experience to find someone that you are really crazy for. I never expected to have the best years of my life as an 18-21 year old, but I would have liked to do SOMETHING, ya know? All the times friends talk about crazy times freshmen year and who they hooked up with or went out with all while I was sitting alone in my dorm every night just writing or playing music or something. It got pretty lonely and I don't want that to happen anymore.

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I was sort of in your boat in college, except I couldn't get girls because I was shy and a huge nerd

 

But it sounds like you're keeping busy regardless. You're at an age where you really should be focusing on your future, school-wise or career-wise. The girls can wait.

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I was sort of in your boat in college, except I couldn't get girls because I was shy and a huge nerd

 

But it sounds like you're keeping busy regardless. You're at an age where you really should be focusing on your future, school-wise or career-wise. The girls can wait.

 

I don't know. I hear some people say that, but I'm not interested in a typical career like others right now. I'm going to have a degree in a few months where I would be able to get a job pretty quickly in a fast-expanding industry, but to be honest I really dislike the major I picked and while it might be the fiscally responsible choice to get a job and move up the ladder, I would hate myself for doing that. I want to take some time to travel, meet people, and pursue passions that I want to do. I don't want to suddenly be in my late 20's and realize that I haven't done anything that I REALLY want to do. In my opinion, the career can wait.

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You are only 22. Your youth won't end when you get your degree. Having said that I am wondering whether you are attracted to girls who aren't attracted to you. Five girls isn't alot to judge by but its curious that none of the 5 girls you asked out were interested in you ... or that you only liked the one girl who didn't like you back. Maybe you need to think about that

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I hear ya. Actually, believe it or not my experience with guys as an 18 year old was quite limited too. I had numerous crushes on guys in high school but my feelings were never returned; looking back, it was because I, too, was picky in my own way. I went for shy, nerdy guys who wouldn't know what to do with a girl if you paid them; interestingly, over ten years later, I keep in touch with most of my crushes from back then and they're all still incredibly shy, awkward, and possibly (probably?) virgins. Had I gone after your average normal high school guy, like the rest of my friends, I could have probably dated a lot more...but I preferred to be single rather than spend time with someone I wasn't crazy about. That boyfriend I had at 18? He was my first boyfriend, and I had a bit of a crush on him before we dated, but looking back I suspect I dated him primarily because I was so tired of being single and he seemed to be good boyfriend material. He was a nice guy and fairly nerdy, but closer to the "normal" (i.e. social, mainstream) crowd than I was usually attracted to. After him, I was single again until I was 24...repeat of high school, basically ending when I met another guy who was just kind of there, cute and interested in me. Basically, it took me years of being rejected by the guys I was crazy about and years of dating guys I was lukewarm about to get to the man who rocked my socks...and I date a LOT less than most "normal" people. It's just something I have to accept...I'm picky, therefore I am single a lot. And I prefer that to back-to-back dating guys I'm lukewarm about. That's just me.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...it's nearly impossible to find a relationship that starts off perfectly, as in you meet someone you're crazy about and they're crazy about you back. Especially if you're a bit picky, which has led you to only ask out 5 girls in, what, 22 years? Those aren't good odds if you're looking for a relationship. People who date a lot are usually asking out a LOT more girls than 5 in a lifetime...and even those guys sometimes never find the love of their lives. If you're really that jazzed about having your fun now and dating around, you need to just get out and ask girls out, even if they're not your dream girl...otherwise, you can also accept that it's better to be alone than to date a girl you're not crazy about and just wait a little longer for the right girl to come along who will love you right off the bat the way you love her (which is nearly impossible if you're not out maximizing your chances.) Gotta buy those lottery tickets to increase the odds that you'll win the lottery!

 

And you never know...you might end up crazier about that plain Jane who seemed interested in you than you think, if you give her a chance.

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You are only 22. Your youth won't end when you get your degree. Having said that I am wondering whether you are attracted to girls who aren't attracted to you. Five girls isn't alot to judge by but its curious that none of the 5 girls you asked out were interested in you ... or that you only liked the one girl who didn't like you back. Maybe you need to think about that

 

I have looked back at them, but I don't see any connection between them. I could understand your point if I was just going after hot superficial girls who only want a guy with a nice car, money, etc, but I'm not, in fact I never go after those girls. The girls I went after were all really smart (with the exception of one, and now looking back I'm glad I didn't end up going out with her) and they were generally more low-key. Not that they didn't like to go out and have fun, but they weren't wild party girls. I'm curious as well to know why I have a perfect failure rate.

 

I hear ya. Actually, believe it or not my experience with guys as an 18 year old was quite limited too. I had numerous crushes on guys in high school but my feelings were never returned; looking back, it was because I, too, was picky in my own way. I went for shy, nerdy guys who wouldn't know what to do with a girl if you paid them; interestingly, over ten years later, I keep in touch with most of my crushes from back then and they're all still incredibly shy, awkward, and possibly (probably?) virgins.

 

I probably would have been one of those guys. Back in high school I was much more shy, awkward, and nerdy...as well as a virgin. I did do sports and play in a band then, which got some girls' attention, but I was too shy to do anything back then. The difference is I'm totally different now.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...it's nearly impossible to find a relationship that starts off perfectly, as in you meet someone you're crazy about and they're crazy about you back. Especially if you're a bit picky, which has led you to only ask out 5 girls in, what, 22 years? Those aren't good odds if you're looking for a relationship. People who date a lot are usually asking out a LOT more girls than 5 in a lifetime...and even those guys sometimes never find the love of their lives. If you're really that jazzed about having your fun now and dating around, you need to just get out and ask girls out, even if they're not your dream girl...otherwise, you can also accept that it's better to be alone than to date a girl you're not crazy about and just wait a little longer for the right girl to come along who will love you right off the bat the way you love her (which is nearly impossible if you're not out maximizing your chances.) Gotta buy those lottery tickets to increase the odds that you'll win the lottery!

 

I'm picky, but there are lots of girls I'd like to ask out that I don't. I mentioned the five or so girls I asked out because they were ones I liked so much that I'd kick myself if I never asked. There are plenty of other girls that I don't feel THAT strongly about, but I'd like to ask out. I just lose the best opportunity or don't know what to do. A lot of times I'll meet a girl through a mutual friend and we'll seem into each other, but then she'll have to leave and I'm stupid and didn't get her number. I could always talk to our mutual friend and try to get the number from him/her, but I'm always reluctant to do that. Thus, I have to rely on myself to get everything done, and I stink at this!

 

I also haven't even been paying attention so much. Years ago I would go to parties hoping to meet a girl. Now I just go to a bar or party to have fun with friends, and time flies by and I don't even notice opportunities I might have. It's a better approach than going with an intention of meeting someone, but I should learn to keep my eyes open more.

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at the OP (didnt read the replies)

I wouldnt be worried mate. Infact, your being pickey and choosey could be seen as a good thing in that you avoided going thru alot of bumpy short lived hook up and break ups like many do. I dont think you're wasting your youth or that theres anything wrong with you or your mindset.

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I have looked back at them, but I don't see any connection between them. I could understand your point if I was just going after hot superficial girls who only want a guy with a nice car, money, etc, but I'm not, in fact I never go after those girls. The girls I went after were all really smart (with the exception of one, and now looking back I'm glad I didn't end up going out with her) and they were generally more low-key. Not that they didn't like to go out and have fun, but they weren't wild party girls. I'm curious as well to know why I have a perfect failure rate.

\.

 

Like I said 5 girls isn't enough to make a proper assessment but choosing girls who aren't interested in you doesn't necessarily mean party girls or girls you consider outside of your league. Its the allure of wanting what you can't have. Maybe you're not very interested in having a relationship right now and you subconsciously sabotage yourself by choosing girls who wont say yes. A perfectly plain girl might be well within your league but for one reason or another she just isn't attracted to you.

 

If you're interested in asking a girl out stop waiting on the "right" time or the "right" way. As you have pointed out, the "right" time may never come and lets face it, we don't want to be having this discussion in another 10yrs.

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Like I said 5 girls isn't enough to make a proper assessment but choosing girls who aren't interested in you doesn't necessarily mean party girls or girls you consider outside of your league. Its the allure of wanting what you can't have. Maybe you're not very interested in having a relationship right now and you subconsciously sabotage yourself by choosing girls who wont say yes. A perfectly plain girl might be well within your league but for one reason or another she just isn't attracted to you.

 

If you're interested in asking a girl out stop waiting on the "right" time or the "right" way. As you have pointed out, the "right" time may never come and lets face it, we don't want to be having this discussion in another 10yrs.

 

I think you're looking into it too much, saying I subconsciously choose them because I really wanted to be rejected. I was also confident that these girls were interested in me and would say yes (that's the kind of confidence you've gotta have, right?). And the business with "leagues" is silly. I don't believe any girl is out of my league. Why should she be? What makes her so much better than me that I shouldn't have any chance?

 

Only so many people are going to be interested in dating me, and I happened to choose some girls that weren't interested for one reason or another. Guys get rejected all the time. There's no deeper reason why a few rejections happened. I'm just wanna see a bit of success.

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I'm picky, but there are lots of girls I'd like to ask out that I don't. I mentioned the five or so girls I asked out because they were ones I liked so much that I'd kick myself if I never asked. There are plenty of other girls that I don't feel THAT strongly about, but I'd like to ask out. I just lose the best opportunity or don't know what to do. A lot of times I'll meet a girl through a mutual friend and we'll seem into each other, but then she'll have to leave and I'm stupid and didn't get her number. I could always talk to our mutual friend and try to get the number from him/her, but I'm always reluctant to do that. Thus, I have to rely on myself to get everything done, and I stink at this!

 

I think this is the issue. Are you perhaps subconsciously afraid of rejection? Or going for the unattainable because of some sort of fear?

 

You need to ask girls out more. Why? For the experience and to get to know them, not so that you can get into a relationship with them. Don't take it too seriously and expect too much from asking someone out. As I see it, this pattern will repeat itself for many years to come. Then one day, you're much older, have less chances to meet people because of work and nothing has changed. You meet the girl of your dreams, she passes you by because you never asked and by the time you do, she's not interested anymore. There's a timing thing here too. If you're both interested in each other, but if you leave it too long to ask the other person out, she might lose interest.

 

You also gotta give other girls a chance. Feelings can be built over time. You never know, but they could have something that you would appreciate if you got to know them better. You can't just dismiss them all as "do not want" without having even given them a try. Don't take it too seriously either. It's a learning experience.

 

You can't just limit yourself to asking 5 girls out only when you absolutely have to, and then claiming a 100% failure rate either. The reality is that you're going to face a lot of rejections, because not every girl will like you. Heck, even the ones who are interested in you now, may not be interested anymore after they go on a date with you. Asking only 5 girls out is kinda like aiming to fail.

 

Cast a wider net and you're more likely to find a girl who: a) you're interested in; b) is also interested in you. A relationship ain't going to work if you're the only one interested. And chances are, if you had more experience, you would've known that those 5 girls weren't interested in you "in that way." So yeah, in conclusion: ask out those other girls just to get to know people and have fun. Learn to know what to do, so that when you really need it (girl of your dreams situation), you know what to do.

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I definitely need to act on more opportunities, but another problem is I don't get many opportunities to meet new people. I have a lot of friends and usually had something to do every weekend, but the parties I'd go to would be the same people every time. I went out to bars once a month maybe, but I could never get into the bar scene. Thinking back to the past 2 years, my history with girls has gone like this:

 

-2 years ago a girl I acted with who was apparently really into me made a move on me during a party. We ended up sleeping together for that entire year, but it never developed into anything more. She was the closest thing I've had to a girlfriend. I actually tried to act like a boyfriend to her when she was going through some troubles, but she resisted my attempts to comfort her emotionally. In the beginning of our time I had a one night stand with this other girl, but after that I didn't see anyone else, because I thought what I had might develop into something more.

-Last fall I asked out one girl and she turned me down. After I learned more about her I realize it was for the best.

-This spring there was a girl I was incredibly into, and I asked her out and she turned me down as well.

-A little bit after that, I met one girl through a mutual friend one night who I talked with for a while. When we were leaving, I actually did the right thing and asked her out, but she has a boyfriend (which she could have mentioned earlier...

-Plus, a drunken hookup or two with girls who came onto me hard, not with girls I'd wanna date though.

 

To be honest, this year I can't remember meeting many new girls. There were a few new ones I would have asked out but they were off limits for other reasons, like one a good friend of mine liked a lot long before I met her (and now they're going out). Another, which I could tell has some interest in me, has a boyfriend.

 

There are some others that I'm attracted to and can tell are attracted to me, but have never talked to. For example, there's one girl who is new in a comedy group with a few friends of mine. I'd run into them when they were going to rehearsal now and then, and they'd be with her. Clearly, that is no time to stop and talk to her, but I'd introduce myself to her and just the way she looked at me I could tell she was into me...but until I see her at a party with them I have no way of asking her out since I really never said anything more than hi to her. And again, I'm reluctant to go to friends requesting assistance with hooking me up.

 

There of course are the cases where I get a shining opportunity and I blow it, but that's something I've gotta work at.

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Nothing bad about asking friends to keep an eye for you, A lot of good relationships happen that way because they know your quirks and likes...

 

Sounds like you need some dutch courage, no harm in getting rejected. Your position is pretty good compared to a lot of others just sounds like you need a bit of a push at times. Most important thing is not to be so hard on ya self, if you blow it just learn from it.

 

Can I recommend that after you finish this degree that you travel the world, imho it's a life expanding opportunity that you can't do soon enough.If you do get a job work for a year then travel, I can't advocate how much it changes you.

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Nothing bad about asking friends to keep an eye for you, A lot of good relationships happen that way because they know your quirks and likes...

 

Sounds like you need some dutch courage, no harm in getting rejected. Your position is pretty good compared to a lot of others just sounds like you need a bit of a push at times. Most important thing is not to be so hard on ya self, if you blow it just learn from it.

 

Yup. I think I'm reluctant to ask friends to help is everyone thinks I handle myself with women just fine and if I wanted anything I could go out and get it anytime. Part of me doesn't want to kill that idea of me being a self-sufficient guy who knows what he's doing, ya know?

 

Can I recommend that after you finish this degree that you travel the world, imho it's a life expanding opportunity that you can't do soon enough.If you do get a job work for a year then travel, I can't advocate how much it changes you.

 

I've never left the US. I've never even gone any farther than the east coast, and there are so many places in the world I want to visit. What I might do next summer when I'm done with college is bike accross the country. I'll have gathered some decent money by then for the expenses, and I know another guy or two that go cycling with me that I could probably convince. It's something I've been wanting to do for years since I got into cycling. There are many other places I'd want to go outside the US, but I think the cross-country trip would be best around now when I know I can handle it. I also want to see a good deal of the US before I go off to some other place.

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Well just because you ask your friends for a little help doesn't make you a loser or any less self sufficiant, sometimes it's good to get the inside gossip and bit of a helping hand with a new girl. They might have a friend that's looking for someone but they think you would rather do it yourself so don't ask

 

I've never left the US. I've never even gone any farther than the east coast, and there are so many places in the world I want to visit.

 

GO!!! you will for ever regret it if you don't. please don't be scared you will handle every thing while traveling a new and different country just fine.

 

While i like your cycling idea i reckon you could do that later in life, sounds like a great experience though. If you love cycling, how about a trip to Europe? France has a great cycling culture and you can book cycling tours during the summer, also the Tour De France is on right now! They also have a great cycling culture in much of the Netherlands, you would love Amsterdam and living there cycling is the only way to get around. Belgium also has a great cycling culture.

 

You can tell Im biased on traveling outside your country.

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Well just because you ask your friends for a little help doesn't make you a loser or any less self sufficiant, sometimes it's good to get the inside gossip and bit of a helping hand with a new girl. They might have a friend that's looking for someone but they think you would rather do it yourself so don't ask

 

You're right, I've definitely gotta get over my reluctance to ask friends. The only time I ever asked friends for advice on a girl was this past spring when there was that one girl I really liked. The guys I'm living with now bring over girl friends a lot, and when I hang out with them I can sense some might be into me. At the very least, they enjoy my company, which is a start.

 

You can tell Im biased on traveling outside your country.

 

Haha, well there are plenty of places I'd like to visit outside the US...particularly Fiji, Australia, New Zealand, the Galapagos Islands, and Iceland, but I'd definitely like to take a trip to Europe sometime, especially for cycling (from what I hear, they're a lot more conscious of bikers and pave the roads much nicer than the US.

 

But the western United States fascinates me. Living in a very dense area of the east coast for my whole life, I'd love to just ride for hundreds of miles with nothing but landscape around me. It's also got that whole manifest destiny feel to it, you know? I'd really like to ride through the pacific northwest too.

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You can also plan outings with friends and have each person bring someone new to the mix. It can be planning a party with some of your friends and you all share the cost, planning a trip or something. When I went away to college we would plan to visit some touristy place then have a picnic type lunch at a park or something. Can be cost effective if everyone chips in. I know some people who even made a profit. If you make it fun it will generate interest. We planned theme parties and parties where people had to bring a bottle to get in. We had cookouts and everyone had to bring something etc. if you want to meet people then you have to get out there and do it.

 

something a friend of mine always makes me smile. Someone told her that if a guy wanted to have a chance with her he would have to break into her house or carjack her. Way too much effort for people who don't know you.

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I don't really go on outings with friends too much. It sucks now because the only people I see are the ones who live in my house, and I wouldn't totally call them my friends (they hang around with some people I don't like, which means my housemates don't hang around with me very often). Every now and then I'll meet some new people by them through chance, but that's not enough.

 

Maybe I should give bars more of a chance. Some are scummy but others aren't so full of guidos, and I have a guy friend I go out with to bars nearly every week. Maybe next time we go out we'll be more social with people.

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  • 5 weeks later...

I may be a little late but here's what I got to say for whatever its worth man. Dude I'm in the same boat. I'll be finished with college next semester with a degree/major that i hate. I'm also an actor. I'm not a musician but I do write lyrics. Anyway my college life sucked so did high school and I feel the same way because I think I'm wasting my youth. You posted this question on my 21st birthday. On that day I was sitting in my room doing some hw for my online class and I didnt go out or do anything. I didn't even drink. The reason I'm saying this is that I wanted to let you know that I get it and maybe I could help.

 

As far as "wasting your youth" goes; yeah I think this is true to a certain extent. To others you may not be wasting your youth because you're so productive. I think that a person is only wasting their time when they aren't doing the things that make them happy. According to my logic I've then wasted the last 8 years of my life and its an extremely depressing thought. But it doesn't matter anymore. I'll be done with college in December and I'll be free to do whatever I want after that. I've had issues with my parents - mainly dad. He never wanted me to be an actor. He thinks i'm crazy, its unstable blah blah blah. I get it, I know he issues, I don't care. Because of him I don't do crap because education is the only thing that I should be concerned with right now and NOTHING else. This means forget about girls, friends, fun, acting, and basically anything that isn't school related. Now imagine doing that since you were a little kid. the first thing my dad said to me on the first day of first grade was you're not going to school to make friends so don't make friends! I go to college and come back home everyday. It sucks and that's why I think I'm wasting my youth listening to my dad. But he said i can do whatever I want after college so i said fine and that I'll get my degree in finance. He thinks I stopped caring about acting and what I really want to do and he also thinks that I'm going to get a job at some finance/accounting firm. I'm not trying to give him a heart attack, but he said I can do whatever I want after college so after December I'm going to do just that and I'm getting the hell out of this state; screw the state I'm leaving the east coast and going out west. I know the stereotypes about LA and actors and crap I'd actually prefer NYC, but my decision to go to LA has to do more with getting away from my dad (as horrible as that sounds) for a while rather than my career. I can't wait until January because I have a feeling that its going to be the best new year of my life so far.

 

To make a long story short, maybe I should have just skipped to this part, you're not wasting youth unless you're not doing what makes you happy. Look back at everything you did/didn't do and ask yourself if you're happy. The other piece of advice is get out there and make your own luck and grab what you want; you'll never get it if you ask for it you have to work for it.

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