Did I do the right thing?

[feelinconfused]

Thanks in advance anyone who takes the time to read this and offer advice Ages - I am 27, he is 29, we dated 2 times - first time was 7 months, second time was 5 months. 2nd time recently ended (I ended it).

 

Long story kind of shortened (thanks in advance to everyone who reads this): First dated a couple years ago, was super intense and fast - said he loved me within a few weeks, met his family quickly. I fell head over heels in love with him but had some concerns and reservations. He lived in New York, and I lived in Chicago (we met in NY). Things were long distance and he kept saying he was going to move to Chicago (where he actually wanted to live). He also had some alcohol issues that really bothered me, and was a heavy, daily pot smoker. Also a heavy cigarette smoker and hasn't had much of a career. He always was "working on music and film projects". Basically had been unemployed and hadn't had steady job for most of his 20s. Music and film projects didn't go anywhere for most part - definitely weren't supporting him financially. I think he basically lived off credit cards. I still believed in him tho, and was in love with him. After 7 months on flying back and forth to see each other and long distance, he moved in with his parents and it seemed like he wasn't going to be moving anytime soon. I was very frustrated and things started to be tense. After last time we saw each other before 1st breakup, things seemed ok, but I was feeling uneasy for some reason. When he got back home, we talked one morning and he said he would love me forever and things seemed ok. That night he ended things out of nowhere and said he wasn't moving to Chicago anymore. I was heartbroken. I tried to keep it together though, and thought he would come back. I never heard from him again.

 

10 months later I texted him because my curiosity got best of me. He had moved to Chicago. We hung out and things were clearly only friends. I could tell he was seeing someone. We hung out a couple more times but he didn't broach the subject of whether he was single or not. Nothing happened, so wasn't a big deal. Then about 4 months ago we were texting and he invited me over to hang out. He said he was celebrating his freedom, which I took to mean that he was single again. He told me he was still in love with me and we had sex. I felt uneasy because I saw some stuff in his apt that belonged to a girl, but I tried to give him benefit of the doubt and thought "well maybe it recently ended and they are still tying up loose ends". He then vanished for 3 weeks on a vacation and I didn't hear anything from him. He got back to town and texted me and we saw each other again. His cousin had died when he was on vacation and he said he was going through a lot of tough things at the moment. He said he had been on a relationship rollercoaster in past year. I tried to just be sweet and understanding. We had sex. Basically over the next few months, we kept seeing each other, but he seemed to be hesitating a lot about getting back into something serious with me. He kinda said that he was going through a lot (true - unemployed, no money, etc). I also found out that he's being sued by someone for a business deal gone bad. So I tried to be understanding. We still went out a lot though, had sex, and he basically acted like my boyfriend. Called me honey, sweetheart, baby, wanted to see me at least once or twice a week. He constantly talked about how I'm amazing, and brilliant and incredible. But when I would bring up relationship stuff he would back away and say he "didn't want to label" it. I was feeling really uneasy about it all, and about the fact that he got into a serious relationship with someone when he moved here to Chicago.

 

Things seemed to be going well and we were having a lot of fun together, but it seemed like he was afraid of his feelings - after a really amazing night, he would disappear for a few days. He definitely seemed to like me more when I ignored him, and whenever I did vanish, he went crazy and would call and text me a lot (like 10 times in an hour). It was kind of a cat and mouse game, but when the ball wasn't in my court I felt like * * * * . When I had the power and he was texting me (after me ignoring him), I felt good and in control. But I truly just enjoyed being with him and didn't understand why he wouldn't let go and just be my boyfriend.

 

I didn't really push it much though for a solid 2 months, and tried to just be awesome and sweet and supportive.

 

So it eventually started to tear me apart and I was feeling really insecure and unsure of things. About 2 weeks ago I turned my phone off for 5 days, and he freaked out again. He started saying super sweet things and when I eventually saw him that night, things seemed good again. We went to get drinks and went back to my place. I asked if he wanted to come up and he said no. It was almost like he was punishing me for having my phone off??? I told him I wanted to talk to him (over the 5 days I did some thingking and decided to bring up my fears about everything and just have a heart to heart with him). I told him that I felt uneasy about how he ended things the first time and that it was so sudden. He had said he wanted to marry me, have kids together etc, so the first breakup really was a blindside. I told him that I thought I was this really special girl to him and that he had wanted to marry me, and that it was really confusing to me that he then got into a serious relationship with some other girl after me, and had never contacted me again. He said that whenever relationships talks come up it makes him want to run for the hills. The only things he had said to me about that girl were negative, and that she was a bad presence in his life. When I asked him about it this time, he basically told me it was none of my business. He said that he was giving all he could right now and that he does like me and is attracted to me but he wouldn't say he loved me (even after I said it). This really messed with my head esp since he was the one who started all this * * * * by saying he was still in love with me.

that night after our conversation, even though he was like holding back for some reason and wouldn't just say "yes, we are together", we then just hung out and ended up having sex again. it's like he went RIGHT back to acting like my boyfriend again. I got a nasty nasty migraine and asked if i could stay the night since i was feeling so bad, and he said ok. it was a rough night and i felt really bad. i fainted and hit my head on a door and actually blacked out. he asked if he should take me to hospital but i was ok and just tried to sleep it off. i made a doctor appt the next morning and left his apt. he didn't really seem to offer to take me or anything - he just seemed to want to get to work on his music projects. i left and got in a car accident that morning (small, but scary). i texted him and todl him and he freaked out and said he felt really bad and if he had known that would have happened he would have taken me himself. he called me a bunch of times but i was in ER and couldn't answer. that night when i got out of hospital i texted him and told him. he asked if i was ok and said that i should rest up. i didn't respond cause i was overwhelmed.

 

the next day i didn't hear anything from him at all, and the relationship talk we had started to sink in and i felt like * * * * . i felt really unappreciated. i was even working on getting him a job where i work (a VERY prestigous company), and was REALLy nice to him over past few months. after i took the next day to think, and after thinking about how unwilling he was to open up to me, and calm my fears about things, and the fact that he wasn't willing to just say "yes, we are together", i decided to end it. i sent him a text that said "i feel unappreciated, and i can't sit around and wait for you to figure out what you want or value. i deserve more. take care" and sent it off. i felt like i had been overly accomodating to him in the past few months and i needed to kind of stand up for myself. he was being really hot and cold with me, and it was really confusing to me, and was tearing me apart. i also kind of hoped that by sending it he might wake up and start to appreciate me, because he GENUINELY seemed to have deep feelings for me, but just didn't want to rush things since they went so fast the first time.

 

i didn't get a response. AT ALL. nothing. it's been 2 weeks and he hasn't said anything. he is very much the type of person to leave things on good terms, and i think if he was done he would have been like "take care too, i wish you the best", because that is VERY in his personality to do. the fact htat he said absolteuly nothing makes me feel even more confused. obviously my best case scenario would be that he wakes the hell up and sorts out whatever he needs to sort out in his heart. but i kinda feel this way. he will either pop up at some point (maybe he is really just overwhelmed right now), or he will vanish forever. i feel like if he does pop up then yes there are some feelings there, but if he really does vanish forever without saying anything at all to what i said, that he is kinda saying "yeah you don't mean * * * * to me and i don't care that you're gone". am i right in looking at it this way? i also think that if he says nothing, that i was probably being lied to REALLY bad, and there were probably things i'm not even aware of. so here are my actual questions:

 

scenario one is - what is the most time i should maybe have a tiny bit of hope? like maybe he really is just absorbing everything, but i can't imagine that it would take more than 4-5 weeks tops for him to sort that out and miss me. right? that's assuming the best, i know, but just playing devil's advocate. so if he really just doesn't know what he wants, would me sending that text message and having the strength to walk away maybe make him wake up? i wasn't mean at all, just assertive. i felt that if i just sat around and said "sure whatever you want" much longer that there would have been zero chance of him taking it to the next level.

 

scenario two is that he is a lying piece of * * * * , and was probably doing god knows what else in addition to lying to me and using me. if that's the case, and he really does vanish and says nothing, then did i still do the right thing by leaving with a bit of self respect and saying "hey, i deserve more" ? i go back and forth on whether i should have sent it, but i'm trying to find the logic in it. i wasn't mean, and i think it still left room for discussion right? it wasn't a " * * * * off and die" text message, it was just a "here is how i feel, and i feel i deserve more, and if you aren't willing to offer more than i need to move along, but deep down i hope you do offer more"

so i have no idea what will happen. other question is - if he was straight up using me, wouldn't he at least pop up at some point to see if he could use me more for a job and more sex?

 

sorry for such a long post. i'm just in the haze of it all right now, and would like some outside perspective thanks reddit. ps - everyone in my life hates him and thinks he is a loser because he is unemployed, broke, a pothead, alcoholic and hot and cold. so i am trying to remember that as well.

[charity]

all you need to know is that this guy does not love you. he likes you but he doesn't love you. it is as clear as day unfortunately. you should hope that he never contacts you again so that you can get off this addiction that he is to you. relationships are not about playing games and you have let him turn you into a version of himself with all the hot/cold, turning phone off, ignoring, overall game playing you are doing. you are better then this .you are just blinded by him at the moment. since you got back with him ,your gut' your instinct, has been screaming that this is all wrong. you were a rebound to him at the time to soften the blow of his breaking up with the last girl. i'm sorry but you need to be out of this situation. well done for sending that text. i usually hate when people break up by text message but in this case i make an exception.

[feelinconfused]

But she was kind of a rebound from ME, because I actually dated him first, and more seriously than she did. Then he and I got back together. But I guess I just wonder if he will realize what he lost at some point? He constantly told me I am an angel, and amazing, and brilliant and that he is lucky to have me in his life. He would say stuff like "baby get a passport so we can travel together internationally".

 

But I did feel unappreciated which is why I sent that text. I knew that if he cared, he would say something. He hasn't said anything I'm just terrified that he is still in love with that girl or something, and that makes me feel really inferior. He did tell me he's not though. I dunno - will he miss me at some point and realize what he lost?

[Eocsor]

He sounds like a gem. You know what you should do already. Go with what your head is telling you, not your heart. He's not going to change, he is what he is. Sooo, unless you have a bad boy fixation and want to set yourself up for even more heartache, move on.

[charity]

he jumped from you to her. then he jumped from her back to you. he jumps in fast and jumps out fast. yes he may realize what he has lost but that doesn't mean he will change. he will meet his next rebound very fast and when it ends he probably will realize what he has lost in you. is that what you want? don't take his meagre offerings. THAT IS NOT LOVE. keep repeating that to yourself. he likes you somewhat, that is why he hooks up with you and why he says you're great. he does not love you. that is why he won't make you exclusive, that is why he is not truthful and lastly that is why he won't SAY it. And that is why you are not hearing from him.

i know it hurts like crazy but really, keep reading your post till it sinks in.

[feelinconfused]

i suppose i have to keep in mind that this is the SAME guy who when he DID say he loved me daily (first time we dated), he literally told me one morning that he would love me forever, and broke up with me out of the blue 6 hours later, a week before i had major surgery. so even when he does "love" someone it's still meaningless and fleeting. right?

[charity]

i suppose i have to keep in mind that this is the SAME guy who when he DID say he loved me daily (first time we dated), he literally told me one morning that he would love me forever, and broke up with me out of the blue 6 hours later, a week before i had major surgery. so even when he does "love" someone it's still meaningless and fleeting. right?

 

right! so even if the best case scenario worked and he did come back telling you he loved you and its forever..... well you know how true those words are for him. that is what you would have to look forward to for your future. really, this is the best thing you have done in regards to him for a long time.

[Escargot]

First off...if you've been seeing a guy for more than 2-3 months and he says he doesn't like labels on relationships...well, he's got a label for you, but he knows you don't want to hear it. In other words, it isn't a nice, polite label.

 

If a guy's really into you, he'll label you head to toe.

 

Secondly, and more seriously....it is a blessing to be out of this relationship. An alcoholic/pot smoker who can't support himself financially? Even if he were head over heels in love with you, you'd be in for years of toil and heartache. If you married him (eeek!) you'd be the one earning a living, getting on his case about not pulling his weight, etc. And alcoholism is a progressive disease. He'll be WORSE in 10 years (unless he's sober).

 

You need to see through any man's line of what he would have done, as opposed to what he actually did. The morning where you blacked out, he should have just taken you to the ER and not left you to your own to get there. That he later said he would have taken you gets him no points! Reminds me of my ex who said, "I was going to give your kids gift cards (for Christmas)." Mind you, he didn't actually get them. I don't know if he was fishing for applause or a thank you on something that he didn't do. It was weird.

 

It sounds like you were the GF-downgraded to the B-Call. And I'm sorry to be so blunt. Really. If you have to ask permission to stay over because of a migraine and you're sleeping together on a regular basis, he's really got you at arm's length. And I've been there so I know how it goes.

[feelinconfused]

But if that is the case and he really was using me for whatever reason, by ending things did I at least walk away with dignity and the upper hand? I don't actually think I was just a booty call because he basically just acted like my boyfriend, talked about trips to see his family, called me honey, etc on a regular basis. BUT along the worst case scenario... if he really is an a$shole who was using me and manipulating and lying to me, then was what I said appropriate and strong and does it at least leave me looking like I'm not putting up with his crap anymore?

[Escargot]

You walked away when you had enough. Don't worry about the upper hand, it's not a matter of winning. The only way you look like you aren't putting up with his crap anymore is to genuinely stop putting up with his crap.

 

Talking about trips to see the family doesn't count. Actually taking trips to see the family does. It's very little effort to call a girl Honey. A guy can put in minimal effort to ensure the girl keeps coming back.

 

Go to the bookstore and buy a couple of books on boundaries and codependence. You can't change this man, but you can change yourself and your desire to be with a guy like this. You deserve better, don't you agree?

[feelinconfused]

I think it's more about low self esteem. I know logically on some level that an unemployed, broke 29 year old who is a failed musician, lives off credit cards, is a daily pot smoker, a heavy cigarette smoker AND a "recovering" alcoholic who still drinks daily should NOT be attractive to me. Not to mention the fact that he cared about 3% if I had an orgasm - even when we were dating seriously the first time. He was completely selfish, and was hyper critical of me, even though he brought little to the table. I just don't know how I got involved with someone so abusive