This last episode with the ex- reminds me of my shortcomings ... or does it?

[TimeToGrowUp]

Oh this everlasting tale with my ex- .... this is definitely quite the education though. In the past I had always cut them off right after the breakup. People who know my story though know this one was a little longer and a little more important .... 4.5 years important.

 

Refresh:

1. Together 4.5 years

2. Been broken up over 1.5 years

3. Got re-acquainted back in Dec. then stopped talking after January

4. Got re-acquainted yet again in April at a pool party where we made out in a drunken moment.

5. Started hanging out in May. Hooked up with her a few times. She started asking if we could spend a full weekend together. Put off the sex thing when she kept pressing for it ... eventually slept with her.

 

Now. To catch you guys up. After we slept together she texted me early the following morning but after that it was like she went MIA. I would text her but rarely got really interactive responses. Decided to let her be. I get a text from her 4 weeks later saying "Hey there, been a while." ... that was last week. I responded lightly. Then didn't hear from her again until this morning when I texted her.

 

I basically asked what the deal was ....She says she's been seeing this other guy seriously for a month, which kind of conflicts with when we slept together. Once again history is repeating itself here that every time we get reacquainted she somehow finds a new guy within a few weeks. Claims that now she needed to tell me to be fair to him and to me. I asked her well why then did she text me last week to tell me it's been a while. She asked if it was wrong that she wanted to talk to me and be in each others' lives. I said look at what she's asking ..... she's got almost a b/f and yet she wants her ex-b/f in her life still. She claimed he's ok with us talking .....

 

This is the dangerous game you play when you continue to mess with ex's ..... now this isn't just any ex. This was the closest I've ever been to being engaged. I harbor feelings for her that I'm not so sure will ever go away considering how deep the relationship was ..... at least not within 1.5 years of a breakup. What makes it all the more difficult is the mere fact that she was a cheater.

 

Since she was a cheater, it made me proceed with caution during any of our re-acquaintance periods. Yet, at the same time I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. It feels like there's a "window period" where if you don't move on someone, they simply move on to someone who will. Again, I have every good reason to take my time with getting re-acquainted with her .... so I'm battling with this "is this because I took too much time again?" ..... which is a question I asked myself about the relationship during our 4.5 years .... and why we weren't engaged .... and some of the things I slacked on which I know in her head was the reason she sought affection outside of our relationship.

 

I hate this part. I really do. I know that I'm prone to taking too much time .... it's something I want to change about myself. But she cheated and it's hard to just move in for the kill. I absolutely could've. Had I made all these extravagant plans after we slept together she would've been all over them.

[mhowe]

But that doesn't change the fact that she is a serial cheater --- you're "win" would have been temporary.

[TimeToGrowUp]

But that doesn't change the fact that she is a serial cheater --- you're "win" would have been temporary.

 

Perhaps. What if she had learned her lesson? I try not to send people to purgatory for the rest of their lives.

 

Another thing I'm not happy with myself about is the fact that I let what the possibility of other peoples' perceptions affect my thought process on this .......... Like what would my sister, parents, or friends think after the anguish and anger they saw me go through? That reminds me of how I let my parents (particularly my mother) always fill my head with doubt about her when really all they were doing was imprinting their own problems onto my relationship. Had they been more supportive I wonder if I wouldn't have dragged my feet in certain respects.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Seriously why is she texting me the whole "Hey it's been a while" when in fact she's been seriously seeing somebody for a month? What does that accomplish?

 

I don't get that. To talk and be "in each other's lives"? Really? Did she really think that would be a logical response to that question?

[bichin]

She keeps coming back for a reason. I strongly suspect she'd rather be getting serious with you and every time she tries you are lukewarm. In my opinion she is checking to see if you want her badly enough to tell her to lose the guy and accept you instead.

[Eocsor]

People rarely change that aspect of their behaviour. It may go dormant for a time, but it usually resurfaces. Once a dog starts chasing cars, it always chases cars.

[TimeToGrowUp]

People rarely change that aspect of their behaviour. It may go dormant for a time, but it usually resurfaces. Once a dog starts chasing cars, it always chases cars.

 

I don't think you can paint human beings so black and white. There are also people who get burned by fire and never stick their hand over the flames again.

 

That being said, in regards to the cheating it was just ironic to hear her say that she was telling me about the guy she was seeing and telling him that we still to talk to "be fair" .....

[Nirvana1986]

Hi TimeToGrowUp,

 

I just read your thread and I can’t help but sympathize with your situation. My situation is quite different, I believe. My relationship with my ex was shorter than yours and we have been broken up barely for four months. But just like yours, she has shown interest and effort in wanting to keep me in her life (I don’t know what that means or what the purpose for them is). Even after I ignored her for two months, she still tried to reached out to me, which is kind of unusual consider how prideful she is. And just like yours, she is also seeing someone else… although in my situation, it seems like she avoids talking about him to me. Not hiding it, per say, because it’s all over facebook, but whenever she talks to me, she just doesn’t bring him up… and I don’t really ask either. I stopped talking to her about a week ago after been LC/NIC and nonchalant with her for one month (She has no idea how I feel for her).

 

Lately, I found myself over analyzing things; why she said that? Why didnt she bring him up when she could have? Why is she texting me to just share a game? Why? Why? Why? Would it make a difference if I told her that I still love her?... I just hate these questions and all we can do is take things at face value. I would be happy thinking that maybe she is making the effort to stay in touch with me because she is finally realizing that she wants me and not her boyfriend, but I have nothing to back it off… so, I have to force those thoughts out of my mind and realized that she could also just be using me as a back up plan or she just genuinely cares about me as a friend. I can’t be her friend, though. It’s too painful for me, still… and it’s just too hard for me to pretend.

 

We don’t know what is going through their mind, and I believe that if they are making an effort to stay in touch with you is because they are somehow attached to you emotionally, might care, but not necessarily want to be with you… or me.

[Eocsor]

I don't think you can paint human beings so black and white. There are also people who get burned by fire and never stick their hand over the flames again.

 

That being said, in regards to the cheating it was just ironic to hear her say that she was telling me about the guy she was seeing and telling him that we still to talk to "be fair" .....

 

I'm always surprised how many people try and excuse their exes bad behaviour or believe that they'll change for the better even with evidence to the contrary. I think it's the same form of denial people use when they convince themselves the ex is coming back. People are who they are. They can change the little character flaws but rarely the big ones.

[TimeToGrowUp]

We don’t know what is going through their mind, and I believe that if they are making an effort to stay in touch with you is because they are somehow attached to you emotionally, might care, but not necessarily want to be with you… or me.

 

Ya the emotional attachment is there for sure ... that part I do know ....

[TimeToGrowUp]

I'm always surprised how many people try and excuse their exes bad behaviour or believe that they'll change for the better even with evidence to the contrary. I think it's the same form of denial people use when they convince themselves the ex is coming back. People are who they are. They can change the little character flaws but rarely the big ones.

 

I've never excused her behavior. I've at points tried to logically understand what made her want to cheat. I looked back at my own behaviors, things I lacked in or didn't do and I can see how in her mind she rationalized what she did. I dragged my feet over a lot of serious issues. I can only imagine the frustration.

 

When we're talking about adults they no doubt have behaviors ingrained in them so deeply that they are tough to break, especially ones who were brought up dysfunctional households ...... but I'm just going to fundamentally disagree with you over the "never change" clause. I know people who seriously were scared straight from big time eff ups like cheating. What determines whether they can or not is the whole body of work. If it's a person who's just downright evil and screwing people over left and right? Doubt that kind of person would change.

[TimeToGrowUp]

She keeps coming back for a reason. I strongly suspect she'd rather be getting serious with you and every time she tries you are lukewarm. In my opinion she is checking to see if you want her badly enough to tell her to lose the guy and accept you instead.

 

I wonder about this .... I really do .....

 

The big thing for me is I've waited for her to make a real effort to smooth over the past before I could perhaps turn up the attention. She once asked if I told my parents or my sister that we were talking again and I said I hadn't yet .......... I'm sure that hurts her feelings, but I specifically said it was because she knows darn well why. I don't know that I could've outright said, "Look you need to make amends with people close to me". In all seriousness though, she REALLY disappointed my parents. How would I be able to continue on trying to feel the situation out just pretending that royal destruction of our relationship didn't take place? I can't. People would not let me live that down. In some ways I wouldn't let myself live it down.

 

But then again, maybe the first thing to do was to work on our interactions then perhaps after they were really good she might've broken down and made that decision to make amends on her own.

[bichin]

If you want her back you need to tell her what you just wrote, all of it.

[TimeToGrowUp]

If you want her back you need to tell her what you just wrote, all of it.

 

Debating just putting it out there instead of it always lingering ..... more-so for the sake of just getting it off my chest. I felt like a lot of tip-toe'ing has been done and I just don't like operating like that.

 

Still amazes me though that at the end of May I get these text messages from her while she was in Vegas with her friends partying that she missed me and was unsure if it was ok to tell me. I mean I honestly never thought for once second that would've happened. I would've thought I'd be the last person on her mind while she was there. Then we sleep together a week later. Then it just goes flat. Hard to keep up with this girls emotions.