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Confused and Sad


Unknownxl

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Hello Everyone,

This is my first time posting here and im honestly going through a very rough time at the moment. Let me start by explaining my story. I know you all probably have heard something similar a hundred times.

 

3 years ago I met my now current ex. When we met we immediately felt sparks and fell in love with each other. Im not saying it was always good because we had our ups and downs, but I have always loved her and cared about her deeply.(still do despite the pain im feeling) I met her just before I moved out on my own and we had been together maybe 6-7 months at that point. So when I moved out she naturally began coming over a lot and never went home. So that's basically how we began living together. For awhile she wouldn't admit she was living there and at some point she finally got her stuff and made it permanent. I'm not going to lie though. Over the past year our romantic lives have really went down hill. I am self employed and I work at home. So im very occupied a lot of the time and I neglected her feelings and the love she was longing for or closeness. I believe this is the route of the problem. Not to mention 8 months ago we had our first son and 4 months ago I bought our first house. And 7 months ago I proposed to her on Christmas. (she said yes) That day and the day my son was born was the happiest of my life. And not to mention I have never been closer to anyone.

 

I knew that we were growing apart, but I thought it was just a phase we were going through. She was saying things like she was curious about other people but she loved me and the baby. I just told her that this is normal and that all people feel curious at some point or another. I also said that you dont feel fireworks all of the time throughout the relationship. So I would try and be romantic for a day or two but then stupidly revert to my old ways because we needed money. I now realize I would rather live on the streets with her then work as much as I did. I cant even make myself work now.

 

And then one night we got into a slight argument and she said she was going to go to her brothers. I of course didnt like this because he has a very unstable life style, drinks all the time and is surrounded by guys I knew would try and take advantage of her. But I trusted her and let her go. She said she would be back that night so I didnt argue even though it was already 9 o clock. Well she didnt come back that night but she did call at 4 in the morning and said she fell asleep and had a very sketchy story. So I knew something wasnt right. She then came back home around noon that day and seemed very distant. I basically made the decision that night that I was truly going to be different and be the guy I should be. Give her the love she wants and needs. So i wasnt mad and I didnt fight with her. I kept trying to be with her but she kept nonchalantly leaving the room. So I wasnt sure if she was doing it on purpose or not. So that night she left again (over some lame excuse, she said I didnt let her hang out with her friends, going to hang with her brother again). This time I knew something was wrong. She left and I didnt hear from her all day. I began to worry that something happened to her and I find out she never showed up to her brothers house. I finally got ahold of her and I asked if she was cheating on me and she told me yes.

 

I calmly asked if we could talk and she was dropped off by him maybe half an hour later. I basically found out she met her 2 days ago and that she had had sex with him. (Both nights)

Although she did lie at first and said they just kissed and slept in the same bed. Needless to say I was terribly heartbroken and I took her to her mothers house. I told her she can do what she wants from there. I ended up keeping the baby and went to my fathers house because I didn't want to be alone. I didnt talk to her until the next day. I went over to her mothers house so my son could see the baby. When I arrived her mother told me "my ex" was at my house and she wanted to talk. So I went to the house and when I got there the first thing she told me was that she wanted us to be together for the baby. But her feelings for me were pretty much gone. We kind of talked about it for awhile and she had her things so she could stay the night. I think she was looking for some kind of spark or something so she would feel like she should stay. We ended up sharing a bed that night but later the next day she ended up leaving again. I ended up not talking to her for a couple days and I went out with my friends. When I arrived home she apparently had called me and texted me. So I called her back and she said that night she was trying to get ahold of me she decided she wanted to come home for good. But since I didnt answer she kind of felt different now. This was july 4th. She asked if we could all be together that day (me, her and the baby) So I went and picked her up from her mothers and we went to go to the lake. We went and actually had a good time although on the drive there I really struggled with myself. I didnt know if it was a good idea and I kept pulling off to the side and wanting to turn around. But she talked me into going. She told me we would work things out "slowly" but she wouldnt see this other guy anymore. So we had a good time and then got something to eat. I later that night we watched fireworks and then I took her back to her mothers. (she didnt want to go to my house) She got me to stay because she said we could watch a movie or something. But when we got there she went straight to her room and I went in there with her. We ended up sharing a bed (sorry if this is to much detail) again and she told me it was the best she had ever had. I could tell by her actions as well. She told me she loved me and she felt something for me again. She wanted me to stay the night with her. Although I was very happy I felt that it would be best if I left while things were good. So i drove home and the next day things seemed alright. She called me when she woke up and continued to call and text throughout the day. She then told me she was going to her friends house that night. (one I knew) but then later called back and told me she didnt want to lie and that she was going to someones house she met through this other guy. She told me he wasnt going to be there and she didnt want to screw things up. So I thanked her for being honest and she went. So I basically worried all night until she called me the next day. Around noon. I could tell something was different immediately as she didnt seem as close as she was the other day. So I tried to give her some space and she continued to call me on and off until around 6 she asked if I wanted to go eat dinner with her and the baby. So we went to eat and things were basically a train wreck. She seemed to have no emotion for me and I took her back home and we didnt eat. She told me she loved me but didnt want to be with me. She had said this before but her actions had told me otherwise. It hurt me so I went home and was pretty upset. I called her and asked if we could talk. She didnt want to but later called me and asked if I could come and get her. So I did and she came over. It was about 9:30. Maybe an hour after I dropped her off after we attempted dinner. So she came over and said how she felt weird about being here. We ended up watching a movie and fell asleep on the couch. I had my arm around her all night but she obviously didnt want anything more then that. I woke her up and asked if she wanted to go to bed but she declined and she said she didnt care if I slept next to her. So now here I am and she is sleeping on the couch as I write all of this. I know im letting her jerk me around but honestly last night was the first time I have really slept well in awhile just because she was next to me. I love her so much I just dont know what to do. I want my family together but I dont think it is going to happen anytime soon, but I cannot bare the pain im feeling. I would like to hear everyones opinion on this. Please dont be harsh with me as im in a bad place right now.

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Oh sweetie,

 

Your situation sounds awful, but I'm not sure how to help you. I don't think she knows what she wants and ... since you're giving her all the time in the world to figure it out and staying by her side as she's figuring it out, you're going to be the one who gets hurt. You're basically her safety net right now as she's figuring things out. So, what do you want to do?

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I want her in my life. And she is just back in forth. I think that if I try and stay away but be nice she may realize what she is missing. I ignored her one night and she wanted to come back home. But another part of me thinks that she may think I have moved on then she will keep staying with this guy.

 

I think I forgot to mention that after she said she wouldnt see that guy she did end up seeing him yesterday before I took her out to eat.

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i'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

ok she sounds really really confused. she definitely has love for you but it seems like she is enjoying 'playing the field' a bit and socializing outside of the relationship. she is getting lots of attention that she feels she wasn't getting from you all along. plus she has just had a baby and no doubt the fact that you were not paying her much love or attention probably made her feel really trapped and worried for her future. how old are you guys?

 

i am not trying to put all the blame on you here but from your own admission you were not being a good bf and at that time where there is a baby in the house, that is very crucial. having said all that .....she cheated on you. that is not good. it is not mature and its not respectful. she should have either finished with you or discussed how she was feeling with you. instead she chose to sleep with another guy and lie and sneak around. you have to really think if you can justify this and be willing to forgive this.

 

if you are willing to forgive this, which it seems you are, then you guys need to have a very serious discussion which should go something like this.

 

''i neglected you in our relationship, i was wrong and i see that now 100 percent. i love you and i am willing to forgive the cheating and i hope you can forgive my neglect of you in a time where you had just had a baby and i know you probably felt very sad and vulnerable. i want to give our family another chance...... but only if you still love me and commit to me. something is going on here that is telling me you are loving the attention you are getting and are enjoying being single. if that is so then we really need to let this go so that you can pursue this life that you now seem to be leaning towards. what you are doing now is not fair. i know you are confused but you need to make a decision about what you want. do you want to be with me in a relationship committed to me and our lifeyes that will take work and time on our part and i am definitely committed to that) or do you feel that you want to say goodbye to that and be single again. i need a decision because this going back and forth is hurting too much and keeping both of us in limbo'

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I don't think she knows what she wants anymore. There has been so much invested in this relationship that she probably feels like she's losing the chance to do things on her own and she can't decided if she wants what she wants now, or what she already has that was supposed to come later. One hand - she might feel like what she wants now - being an individual, still figuring out who she is, and what she really wants - needs to happen for her now. On the other hand - she has a baby with you and that baby alone needs her.

 

I think right now, since there's a baby involved, you should not be seeing or being with each other. The baby is not old enough to know what's going on right now, but this is the time to figure it out. I think there needs to be space to really think about what you guys want and need out of the relationship. And if that baby is the only thing keeping it together - it's better for the both of you to just find other people. I've seen happier relationships with kids that have separate parents that are happy than parents that don't love each other, shows it, and end up splitting anyway. It's not fair to anyone that she can't make up her mind.

 

Do what's best in the long run. People don't change, and no one should hope for it. I think you know what you should do, but you're sounding so selfish right now and don't want to be hurt. I get that, but save yourself, your baby and her from even worse despair.

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I'm 22 and she is 19. No doubt I agree that she was feeling trapped before. Now she feels free and she is a tad confused because when we are together now im already different then when we were in a committed relationship. She doesnt want to be in a "serious" relationship right now from what she says but she is still seeing this other guy. And she is cheating on him with me. Its very confusing. Today we had a long serious talk and she pretty much said that she would be willing to still come around and be with me. That would pretty much mean we go out and do things together and she can spend the night. (be sexual as well) except she wont stop seeing the guy. Of course I said I wasn't going to do that but it just doesnt make sense to me. He obviously doesnt mean much to her but she wont let him go. And vice versa with me. Its all just very crazy because I would have never imagined myself in this situation.

 

I must also disagree though. People do change. Ive had my heart broken before and it has changed me every time.

 

When we had our talk we both expressed how we saw each other as best friends and that we never wanted each other out of our lives. I care about her so much I have no idea what to do. The only thing I can think of is to really try to minimize contact as much as possible and "maybe" we could reignite something in the future.

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To be honest I need someone to talk to. My family and friends are pretty busy and just any advice that can help me move on would be great. There is really no hope for us to stay together in the near future. She has made it clear that when she comes around she doesnt "want me", its more about fun for her. Not the girl I fell in love with.

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