HELP! FAO Ladies or anyone in experienced in dating.

[ALostDad]

Just discovered this great forum, and although its my first post. I would greatly appreciate a bit of help.

3 months ago my life was left in turmoil when my fiancee and partner of 10 years decided to end our relation with no indication whatsoever. Due to no fault of my own it turned nasty as there are 2 children involved. So I can’t even pluck up the courage to go and grab my belongings from the house as I’m afraid of what mood she’ll be in. I’m now back in my parents sleeping on the sofa living out od a suitcase. Basically she has ruined my life up until 3 weeks ago.....

 

In situations like this you really do find out who your friends are. And my mates have been great, trying to get my out of the house. So we were out in a Nightclub and I’d my eye on this girl. Being out of the game I’m a little bit rusty so I’d my eye on this girl and didn’t even have the courage to go over and chat her up. One of my friends decided to do it for me and she came over and we got chatting with her giving me her number. I still couldn’t believe my luck and even afterwards she was outside waiting on a taxi my friend again approached her and told her that I didn’t believe it was her number but she quickly confirmed it, and for the first time I’d a bit of luck and wasn’t thinking about the horrible things my ex was doing to me.

 

She had just graduated college so for some reason I thought she was 23 but after leaving it for a couple of days I texted her and got a reply so we have been texting and I soo discovered she was only 21. But it didn’t appear to be a problem for her so I thought to myself should it be a problem for me? So we’d been texting like mad and arranged a date for last Monday.

 

We’d decided to go for a meal and then to the cinema. But a couple of hours before the date she sent me a text saying that did I mind if she was to head out clubbing with her mates after our meal instead of the cinema. And I replied no not at all and even if she wanted to arrange the date for another time I didn’t mind. But she really still wanted to go out. So I stuck to the plan and picked her up. And as you would expect with first dates and for it being a long time I was nervous and there was a few awkward moments. But se showed great maturity and was able to to talk away. There was one good thing/bad thing. When she asked me my surname she realised she went to school with my Sister, but then knew I’d 2 good and appeared not to bothered at all.

 

Well anyway as mentioned the meal was great and as mentioned previously it went as well as could be for a first date, and she even invited me outwith her mates, I declined but eventually gave in and called a few friends out as well so it didn’t get awkward.

 

So we left the restaurant and she went on out with her mates so I met up with mine. 1 hour later I’m getting texts asking am I fell out with her as I hadn’t arrived yet. So we then met up and she was with one mate was a real weirdo. I offered them a drink and they declined so when I went up to get mine her friend had pulled her upstairs to the music. So when we followed them up it was slightly awkward and decided to just leave them to it and politely excused and sat downstairs in the bar. Throughout the night she came out of her way looking for me downstairs followed by her mate so we couldn’t even get a good chat. Another thing I also found weird was that always refused a drink. One stage we were talking away and she had ran out of wine. I offered to buy her another one and she declined saying that she would go back upstairs and get her and her mate a bottle. So 5 mins later and her sitting with an empty glass, I said sure you head up and get yourself drink. With her replying whats wrong am I cramping your style, but I just didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable and that was far from the case.

 

Well anyway the night ended and she said she’d text me. But I’m a guy that doesn’t have patience and hate playing the waiting game. So decided to again be the one to initiate the first text with her saying that we should definitely go out again. When I asked when she was free she said she’d let me know. But we’ve texting ever since. She appears to like getting chased.

 

I’m asking for help from ladies or anyone experience in dating for answers to the following questions?

 

 

-Because I’m always the one that initiates 1st contact every day, does that mean she’s not interested? (she always texts back)

 

-Am I right to keep in contact by sending a message everyday?

 

-When she says she’d get back to me about another date is that another way of telling me that she doesn’t want too. (keep in mind she was the one that said we should do it again sometime)

 

-Is the age difference too much?

 

-Is it too soon after my ex?

 

Again would greatly appreciate any help that people can give me. As I deserve a bit of luck in my life.

[tattoobunnie]

-Because I’m always the one that initiates 1st contact every day, does that mean she’s not interested? (she always texts back) Not at all, I almost never call, text, email my sweetheart first, and I think he's the bestest!

 

-Am I right to keep in contact by sending a message everyday? Always try the mirror approach. You text, she texts. Then onward. Don't do, you text, text, text. You're not a couple yet. You have to work up to that level. This will also keep you in check considering you just had a life altering experience a few months ago, so on your end, your commitment to text everyday will only tunnel vision you. Now instead of focusing rebuilding yourself, you are diverting your energy towards someone else.

 

-When she says she’d get back to me about another date is that another way of telling me that she doesn’t want too. (keep in mind she was the one that said we should do it again sometime) Everyone says that catch phrase. In your situation, it depends. When did she say that, and did she get back to you eventually?

 

-Is the age difference too much? How old are you?

 

-Is it too soon after my ex? Everyone needs that get to know yourself again as an individual time. You really get to learn so much about yourself, what you are looking for, what you want out of life. Nothing wrong with dating, but take it slow for a while with everyone. Don't put all your ends in one basket.

[ALostDad]

Thanks for the reply Tattoobunnie. Its greatly appreciated

 

I'm 28.

 

Regarding the whole setting up 2nd date. She said to me that she'd text but as I'm inpatient I decided to text her telling her how much I enjoyed last night.(which was Tuesday just passed) She replied back saying "We'll do it again sometime. Next time my treat." I replied saying that I would really enjoy that when was the next time she was free and she sent a text back. I'll let you know (with the smiley face)

 

Now the first date was only Monday passed. Can you give me some advice on whether to pursue this girl or am I wasting my time? Would you read anything into wanting to meet her mate after dinner?

 

Thanks

[tattoobunnie]

You are giving a red flag. Screaming insecure. If you want to show that you respect her and her time, you have to let her make the next move.

 

You are wound up and anxious, and you don't even know her! Go date other people. Let what you have with her develop on its own pace, and where you are at, I'm suggesting...SLOW. Focus on fun...not how you get to keep your Friday nights booked for the rest of your life.

 

Always be wary of the person who wants it fast and furious, cuz it ultimately means, they are looking to fill some kind of void.

 

First of all, I wouldn't read into her meeting her friend after dinner. Youngings don't have the best dating etiquette.

 

I know it's hard. But you have to remember...you were with someone for so long. You miss the intimacy. The stability of knowing what you'd be doing each weekend. YOU CAN'T take that anxiety out on this poor girl, or she will blot.

 

What makes you think you're wasting your time? No one can answer that. You don't even know each other yet. The idea here is to open you up to new experiences, meet new people, guys and girls. Not to look for the next Mrs....

[tattoobunnie]

Oh, and PS...you are no where near ancient with your age in relation to hers. Just have to let you know, her age and generation is not about settling down any time soon.

[ALostDad]

Thankyou again Tattoobunnie,

 

What signs am I giving that are screaming insecure? What does let her make the next work mean? (apologies not being rude)

 

I think its because my ex run me into the ground. Saying some hurtful things even to the extent that she never even found me attractive etc. I have no confidence what so ever and I really like this girl and want to see if something happens.

 

....I can't even approach another woman fearing that she'll laugh in my face. And I used to be a charming bubbly person. But now get nervous so easily.

 

Do you think I'm texting too much? Again really appreciate you taking time out to answer my questions.

[ALostDad]

P.S. other mates are telling just let her know your interested by asking how her day was etc. in which i'm doing and she is replying too.

[tattoobunnie]

She already knows you're interested. Asking her how her day was doesn't make a difference in the beginning. It just comes off as needy when they clearly tell you that they'll get back to you.

 

Letting her do her part, means, don't text/call again until after she returns your text/call.

 

Why do you like her so much? Is it because you've developed a strong friendship, intimacy, and have gotten to know eachother well? Or is it because she's the first girl who've you let notice you since your extremely recent break-up?

 

Dude...you got to get your mojo back first. And it's not gonna happen dating this one girl you barely know. Have people set you up. Stop looking for Mrs. Next Wife. Go have fun with these people. Take some time to do things for yourself. Write out the top 5 things you've been wanting to do, but put off for so long, like sky-diving, stamp-collecting, boar-hunting, learning to swim, anything, going biking. And go that in-between the time.

 

And only sweat over girls who are worth sweating over. Ones that you actually have gotten to know over time, and get a true and better sense if they are potentially good matches for you.

[ALostDad]

Thanks again TattooBunnie. She sent the last text BTW which was a response to me saying Goodnight. I've just been out of the game for so long that I honestly don't know how to handle the situation. She definitely a girl who's looking chased.

 

EDIT: We definitely clicked to an extent on our first date, and she is an absolute stunner. I think thats part of the reason.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I agree with tattoobunnie. Back off a bit. Go out with your friends and find another girl or two to go out with. This one is young, and probably just looking for fun - to casually date and go clubbing. You're fresh out of a long term engagement and looking to replace what you lost. Do you see the built in dichotomy here?

 

You're not wasting your time. Think of it as retraining. You're getting your feet wet after ten years. Give yourself some time to heal. You may be surprised, having this one date under your belt may really boost your confidence next time you go out with your friends. Just relax and take it slow.

[ALostDad]

cheers for all your help. i'll see how it goes with this one, and will not text tonight.

[Brightest Dark]

I disagree with those telling you to date others, but I do think you're rushing things and too insecure. You need to chill. You only met her on Monday. Give her more space or else she will start to feel claustrophobic and go off you. Things seem fine, she's replying to you - just don't text so much that you start to irritate her. I had a guy that used to ask me how my day was every time we talked on msn and that started to aggravate me. Give her time to actually miss you. If you're there texting every 5 minutes you're not giving her that chance. Maybe next week ask her if she wants to meet up the following weekend, but definitely cut down on the texts if you haven't got anything interesting to say.

 

The age gap is no big deal but at 21 she's probably not going to want someone getting super-serious fast.

[ALostDad]

Thanks Brightest Dark for the reply.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm torturing her with texts as she says enough for the conversation to go on. But it's always me that initiates first contact. I never text'd all day yesterday and never received none from her.

 

Is it me being paranoid or is she was interested would she have text'd me.

[Brightest Dark]

 

Is it me being paranoid or is she was interested would she have text'd me.

 

Hard to tell. She might like you but not want to appear too needy by texting (a lot of people do go by the 'three day rule' and not want to contact the other person so soon) - she might not feel the need to text you again so soon since you've texted so much - she may be waiting for you to text since you have texted first each time - or she may not be interested. It's could be any of those.

[ALostDad]

There goes 2 days and still no reply.... How would u suggest I send my next text without sounding too needy?