I wish I knew what he was thinking...

[Bella4]

So I have not contacted him for 7 days now, and nor has he.

He is aware I'm giving him space, because I told him.

 

I'm praying he'll come back to me, but I know deep down that he won't, I think.

 

I wish I knew how he can pretend I never existed. Struggling so much with this heartbreak, worst I have ever been through - I feel ok through the day now, but I'll break down and crack at some point, and just cry.

 

He was the love of my life, and wish he still was.. but he can't be because I am not his.

 

I was always such a good girlfriend. How could he give up something so good? (Not trying to float my own boat)

 

Do I carry on with no contact hoping he'll come back? Or move on? I would take him back if given the chance.

[endy]

The purpose of NC is to move on not get your ex back. Check out the guide at the bottom of my signature. That will help a bit. Every relationship has a birth, life, and then death. It's a part of life. You'll find someone better in time after you heal and become stronger. Just stick to NC no matter what. It's going to help you a lot.

 

I can tell you right now that he's not pretending that you never existed. If you stay NC he will think about you, but that doesn't mean he'll come back either. You need to do what is best for YOU now and that's move on. You'll find someone to love again that loves you for who you are. Just stay strong and keep your head up. You know you're a good girlfriend and a good person. That has nothing to do with his decision and don't let it bring you down. Don't let it effect your self worth or self esteem.

[6yeardumped]

Move on. The faster youll do it, the faster you'll increase your chances of getting him back. And if that doesnt happen, at least you moved on. Talking about experience. I completely gave up today on my exgf coming back. 6 years thrown away to be with another guy. I deleted her from my FB today. Some doubts came up later, but now I know this was my last string attaching me to her, and I just cut it down. And now it feels good. I feel liberated and about to get myself back. Be the owner of my own life. Ex's do not deserve the power we give them by thinking about them the whole time. Get your power back now, and GIVE UP ON ALL HOPE ASAP! It is just easier this way for 1 of 2 things to happen:

 

1. He comes back cause he misses you.

2. You get your back life, or even better, a new one, with a better bf!

[Beluga23]

Oh Bella, I just want to give you a big hug. I know how that feels. To be honest, only time will tell. If you meet the right person at the wrong time, it won't work out. If you meet the wrong person at the right time, it still wont' work out. The only thing that will work out is if you meet the right person at the right time. PLUS, you'll have lots of possible relationships in your life, but only ONE of those will work out. If it doesn't, it just means that you haven't quite found the one yet... at least that's what I tell myself. =) Hang in there. *hugs*

[Bella4]

Thank you guys - I know all of you are right, and I need to move on, it's still quite raw though, it's been 11 days since we broke up, and 9 days since it was comfirmed. I just know I'll always have that hope of him coming back. I swear, I don't meet men that are right for me even when I think that they are.

 

My first boyfriend of 4 years had drug issues and called me fat, which I'm so glad I got out of - I dont want to be surrounded by that.

 

And now this, what I thought was the love of my life of 2.5 years, ending it because of his own personal self esteem issues.

 

Well, isn't that wonderful - I'm back on the scrapheap/shelf again. I hate this so much. I just want to settle down, have a lovely life, get a house, get married and have children. IS THIS SO MUCH TO ASK?

[Doofus]

Man, this board completely belies its title. The vast majority of the posts here really belong under the 'getting over a break-up' forum. NC is good in some situations, but not all. It's kind of like saying that everyone who has ever had a bit too much to drink really needs to check into some clinic for addiction and slap a 'I'm friends with Bill' bumper sticker on their car. NC is good if you are not capable any longer of being in contact with your ex and being a mature human being. It's good if you've devolved into stalker behavior. It's good if your ex has re-married, or if there was abuse of some kind. Otherwise, it's BS. Really. Below, I'll tell my story so you can ascertain whether I'm blind to the cold reality of life. Maybe I am.. anyway, I think that before people on here offer the official panacea they should let you know where they're coming from. Just because NC was appropriate for them, doesnt' mean it is for everyone.

People do get back together. It happens all the time. There's a thread on here which details some of those cases. In order for that to happen, someone, at some point, needs to reestablish contact, or, change the nature of it. If you have been dumped by someone, especially if it's someone you've been with for a long time, and, again, there has been no serious abuse in the relationship, they are not going to find life without you to be too easy. (It seems most folks on here have only been the one who was dumped never the dumper). I think that NC or 'just moving on' because if someone dumped you there's no way to be together again is defeatist and does a dis-service to a possible future with your ex in it. People end relationships for all sorts of reasons, most of which they themselves are probably not aware. Often what drives the break-up is fear. Moving on, or convincing the dumper that moving on is easy only reinforces that fear potentially. This is why NC as a strategy to get the ex back by making them miss you, can be the worst thing you could do.

My own situation is that. I had a panic attack and broke off a realtionship soon after it had begun with someone whom I had been friends with for a long time. After a couple days, I re-thought what I had done, and tried to get back together, but she said she was too afraid of getting hurt like that again. I didn't have the courage to say it to her then, but what I should have said was 'life involves pain' If you don't risk it then you don't deserve the reward that can come from such risks. Anyway, the rest played out as if she was taking advice from this forum (maybe she has been..). First LC (only by email and texts..) with occasional drunk texts begging me to come back, telling me how desperate she is to be with me etc. Then, she went into NIC, which I didn't recognize at first, but when I asked her about it she asked for NC and I told her that if she needed it, because I loved her, I would honor it. And that's it. A three year friendship thrown away on a two month relationship and a lot of pride and fear. I'd do anything to have her friendship back, or to have the relationship or at least something. But I'm kind of cornered now. It's been seven weeks, essentially. My view is that none of us should be throwing away people close to us so easily.

It's not clear how you left things Bella4. If he's asking for NC then like me, I think you probably have to grant it. If you asked for it, think hard about what you want. If it really is the case that you're only willing to consider contact if you're in a relationship, then make that clear and the ball is in his court. If nothing has been declared about NC then try, if you can, to hang in there. Don't postpone your life, and, by all means, do give up if you really aren't able to handle things emotionally, but don't give up hope. That's the only thing that pandora held onto. There's a good reason for that.

Finally, people do get back together. All the time. Sometimes right away, sometimes not for a long time.

OK, rant over.

[Bella4]

Thank you for your reply Doofus, he never asked for no contact, he said that he will see me as friends when he knows there are no feelings left (which is a little bit silly if you ask me, as i'll always care for him deeply) I left it with telling him i'll give him some space, which is why I have not been contacting him, as I don't want to push him further into feeling rubbish.

 

He left me because he felt he wasn't good enough, and started to hate himself for it (stupid if you ask me, he was always an amazing boyfriend) ...so he probably thinks i'm better off without him (wrong..) he also felt he was putting his all into us and not getting anything back (partly true because I got so happy and comfortable with our relationship I thought we were going to have a strong future) but you know, I was a good girlfriend, I waited a whole YEAR for him to travel with his job, always supported him, always been there to talk, I learnt new hobbies purely because he was passionate about them, I'd make him toast at 3am in the morning before his early shifts etcetc.

 

Yes, perhaps the affection got a little stale because of how comfortable I was with him, but I didn't realise this was chipping away at his self esteem - I wish I showed more affection for him now. But I can't think "what if i did that.."...wont do me any good.

 

He seems keen on not fixing things, and is coping by distracting himself in everyway possible with his friends.

 

What we had was amazing - so I have no idea what the future holds, but for now, we just are not contacting each other. I want him to get his head together and yes I want him to miss me etc. But also, I need some time to accept what has happened before trying at all for reconciliation.

[Doofus]

My question is this: Why are you giving him space? Did he ask for it? Do you feel you need it? Have you given up? Do you feel it's what you're supposed to do? I know that it might not be clear why right now, but really think hard about why you're doing what you're doing. This may require not contacting him for a while. NC can be good for helping speed the arrival of greater clarity. Also, sometimes reacting to a situation in a certain way becomes habitual. Here's what I'm trying: In the eveing, after I've gone for a run (and thus am in possession of a slighly better mood) I sit and THINK (not FEEL) about the situation and what I'm doing and why for a good amount of time. If you can discipline yourself to do this, you will accomplish a couple of things: 1. No longer associating all thinking about him with tears and regret and emotions and 2. increase the chances that you'll see the right thing to do.

[Bella4]

Basically 4-5 days after he broke up with me, I got him to open him deeply about his feelings (which was amazing..as he bottles things) it was all about how he felt he wasn't good enough, and he felt like a terrible boyfriend...he said he felt broken.

 

I want him to heal in the space I give him, and remember all the good things we had (which was a lot!).. because I can not control him, or any other human being for that matter, but I can control myself - which is why I have not been that revolting ex that begs and crawls to get another chance. I'm being mature. I could cry, beg, and plead with him - but it'll push him away further.

 

We've been in a very intense relationship for 2.5 years, and I already feel the void he has left - so eventually when he's calmed down from distractions with friends, he will feel that void..and im hoping he'll talk to me, and maybe even meet up with me.

 

But for now - there is nothing I can do, except be patient, and learn to love me again.

[Doofus]

Bella4, that does seem reasonable. Does he know you want to reconcile, that you're willing to change? If so, then I'd say you've done all you can and, IMHO you're doing the right thing.

[Bella4]

Bella4, that does seem reasonable. Does he know you want to reconcile, that you're willing to change? If so, then I'd say you've done all you can and, IMHO you're doing the right thing.

 

Of course he must - I nearly collapsed when he ended it, I was telling him what I would change for him etc. He knows he was my life.

 

I went out with my parents to the pub this evening, haven't laughed like that for a long time. I know I'm coping well, and a strong person.

 

If my ex does not see what he is losing - then, more fool him. I would have married him and devoted my life to him..more fool me.

 

We were a great couple, and what we had was great - best relationship I have ever had. I'm deeply sad it's gone now. I can't see him coming back, and don't think I could cope being friends, it wouldn't work, i'd get jealous and all that jazz. Aslong as he's happy now, I guess that is all that matters.

 

Patience is not my strong point - I'm someone who wants to know what they get for Christmas etc.... however, it's something I need to do, be patient. Be myself, learn to love me again, and eventually maybe there is someone out there who will appreciate me and never want to leave me.

 

It's very sad - but it's true.

 

Very sad indeed.

[Bella4]

Ok, so really need an opinion here,

 

When he broke up with me, we had festival tickets for this weekend, I sent him his in the post, and sold mine. He had thanked me when he got it.

And since then a vow of silence on his behalf, and mine too because I was giving him space.

 

Then today he FB messages me "Thank you for the ticket, I hope you have a nice weekend

 

He's already thanked me. And I'm not going to have a nice weekend, because he'll be at the festival I wanted to go to...is he delusional?

I think he's messaging me so it makes himself feel better. Where it just kicked me in the gut... I can't be friends with him, he can't have his cake and eat it. And he's acting like nothing has happened.

[endy]

I think you're probably correct, that it's to make himself feel better/less guilty. I'm sorry for your loss hun. Just try to keep on being strong and moving on for now.

[Bella4]

I think you're probably correct, that it's to make himself feel better/less guilty. I'm sorry for your loss hun. Just try to keep on being strong and moving on for now.

 

Thanks, yeah - it's just annoying, I was coping well yesterday, I had a good night with my parents, laughing etc, had a full nights sleep for once, I was eating again... and then he sends that message at 6:42am. What the hell.

[Doofus]

Key word there is 'act'. Obviously he doesn't feel settled. Now, is it guilt? Remorse? Just feeling crappy because this is something he won't enjoy because he'll be thinking of you the whole time? I don't know, and, it sounds like, neither do you. Stay calm. He broke NC to fb you. Whatever else is true, he is not feeling like nothing has happened.

[Bella4]

Key word there is 'act'. Obviously he doesn't feel settled. Now, is it guilt? Remorse? Just feeling crappy because this is something he won't enjoy because he'll be thinking of you the whole time? I don't know, and, it sounds like, neither do you. Stay calm. He broke NC to fb you. Whatever else is true, he is not feeling like nothing has happened.

 

I believe it's guilt, as I didn't do anything wrong for him to end it, it was all about him remember, and his self esteem issues etc. He's going with two of his best friends, who are a couple, that should make the festival nice and arkward.

 

He should feel guilty, I was a great girlfriend and probably the best he'll ever have.

[Doofus]

When you sent the ticket, did you just send the ticket, or did you send a note too? If you didn't send a note, then I doubt very much that it's guilt, somehow. I'd say given your current state of mind, you shouldn't say anything back right now. If you feel you must, say suomething big, or, at least light hearted. Like, 'thanks for the thanks!' If you wanted to needle a bit, you might say 'you're welcome, again'

As I advised earlier, you need to find some time to think about your situation, rather than feel. If what you're saying is true, if you were a great girlfriend and if he left because of low self=esteem, then that suggests one course of action. If that's not the case, then you should do something else. You are not in possession of clarity right now. Until you have it, don't do anything dramatic, and, try not to draw conclusions.

[Bella4]

I did not send him anything but the ticket. He knows how much him ending things would have destroyed me, I just haven't shown him.

 

What course of action is suggested from being a good girlfriend/his self esteem?... and I'm not doing anything dramatic, hense why I have not replied.

[Doofus]

If you're right and he only broke up with you because he is suffering from low self-esteem, then NC is not the way to go. Instead, if you're able, you are going to have to show him that you love him. And not just romantic-be-my-boyfriend love, but Love. Don't try to get him back, but be there for him like his best friend would be, like the most loyal dog would. He may be seeing your actions as largely about you and your hurt ego. If you pursue that path, though, you need to be prepared to be really really hurt. The easiest way to avoid it is to let go of expectations that this will win him back. But if you really love him as a person then you can take that risk. Now, it might also be that he feels he needs space from you right now. You'll have to judge whether that means he really needs space and as someone who loves him you're going to give it to him, or whether he's testing you. All the steps on this path are fraught with difficulty. Before you start down it, you should make sure that you're sure that he didn't leave you for other reasons. But.... loving someone unconditionally (and I mean unconditionally ) is always a good thing to do (or to try to do) I think. It's advice that's too seldom given, probably because it requires a strength of character that few can summon. And just to let you know, it's what I'm trying to do (trying...) with my own situation so I'm not giving this advice in a vacuum...

[Bella4]

Why would I lower myself to show him how much I love him, when he left me? He knows I love him. He left because he's a coward and epic self esteem issues. Why should he have ALL of the control, I dont want to be a lap dog that will always be there if I'm not wanted.

[Doofus]

You need to figure out, I guess, if it's that he wants to be in a relationship with you, but doesn't feel worthy, or if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you for other reasons, maybe that he doesn't understand himself. If it's the former then showing him that you think he's worthy of being loved unconditionally by you will raise his self-esteem and - probably- bring him back to you. If it's the latter, then my advice doesn't apply. When I said dog, I didn't mean 'lap dog' I just meant that the loyal love that a dog has for its owner is a good model. Dogs don't hold grudges (probably...) and that sort of love usually inspires its reciprocal in the owner. Anyway, I'd do nothing right now. NC is good for bestowing a certain clarity that's hard to get any other way.