not admitting breakup..?

[hopelessincan]

Why would a dumper (specifically a male) not tell his friends/family that he broke up with his girlfriend?

 

Yes Im looking to hear that he wants to keep the door open/isnt sure thats what he wants.. but serious thoughts appreciated.

 

I know myself that if I am done I tell the people closest to me..so Im slightly confused why he hasnt and carries on as though we are still together..

[endy]

Shame, guilt, he's confused... Could be any reason really. I wouldn't look at it as leaving the door open though. Look at his actions as he dumped you, not the aftermath of it all.

[Mellie]

There could be any number of reasons. You're right, he may not be 100% sure it's done yet. Or maybe he doesn't want to rake over it. Maybe he's too upset to talk. Maybe they don't talk about emotional stuff much. Maybe he hasn't had the opportunity. Maybe they would be disappointed. Maybe he doesn't want all of the concern and wants to go on as normal.

 

One of my exes did this. Not with family, but with colleagues. We used to work together. I was completely underwhelmed TBH. Not only did I have the pleasure of being dumped, but I also had to have all the awkward conversations, months after the event, with people he'd been pretending everything was ok with. In my case, it wasn't because he was unsure of what he wanted, it because he was a scaredy cat and didn't want to look like the "bad guy".

[hopelessincan]

I wish I could get in his head I saw him last night and he said he didnt tell his friend because it didnt come up. Which I know is a load of baloney....He said some things last night which lead me to believe that it is because he isnt done. I was apparently talking too much and he made a comment along the lines of "can i not just need some space..?" and then later I somehow annoyed him (dont even know what I said) and he said " oh thanks for reminding me why" . Talk about mixed messages...So I stormed out and woke up to find some stuff at my door that i had left last night.

 

Mellie, was your ex completely done? How long did it take him to finally admit it? My ex is the same wrt work. He was just discussing us two days ago to his coworker friends and even got something from work for me.....

[Mellie]

I'm pretty sure he was completely done from the day he said he wanted to break up. There was no... Actually, there was a bit of flannel about "maybe in the future". It was all nonsense. It was very plain to see but it took me a loooooooooooong time to admit it to myself. And I chased and chased and manipulated (tantrums, pleading, trying to reason - all of it - just fanning the flames).

 

He wanted to "stay friends", but there really is no point. How can you be friends with someone you have to tiptoe on eggshells around? I did get a couple of emails from him months later, kind of testing the water. I don't know what that was all about because in the end I told him point blank to stop contacting me.

 

When it first happened I was well and truly in "Waaaaah!" mode. "Why is this happening to me? How will I ever survive?" As I say, I tried to pressure him to come back but this just drove him away. I can say with hand on heart now, though it seemed as far from it as you can imagine at the time, this turned out to be a GOOD thing. I wasn't happy. The relationship wasn't good. And looking back, he really wasn't a catch.

 

I've just experienced another breakup in the past couple of days. I am gutted, completely, but when you've gone through the above, you realise all the emotional blackmail, pleading, trying to reason, in the world - if someone wants to leave you, they're going to. There's nothing you can do to stop that. There are, however, things you can do to make it a virtual certainty they will stay gone.

 

Do nothing. Say nothing. Back off completely. Give him chance to miss what's good about you instead of throwing in his face the emotional neediness and bad stuff. It's hard. When I learnt how to do this (I swore I couldn't stop myself but you really can), it empowered me. If you can control nothing else in this situation, you can control you. You really can.

[hopelessincan]

I've just experienced another breakup in the past couple of days. I am gutted, completely, but when you've gone through the above, you realise all the emotional blackmail, pleading, trying to reason, in the world - if someone wants to leave you, they're going to. There's nothing you can do to stop that. There are, however, things you can do to make it a virtual certainty they will stay gone.

 

Do nothing. Say nothing. Back off completely. Give him chance to miss what's good about you instead of throwing in his face the emotional neediness and bad stuff. It's hard. When I learnt how to do this (I swore I couldn't stop myself but you really can), it empowered me. If you can control nothing else in this situation, you can control you. You really can.

 

Aint that the truth!!! I was doing so well but started to get paranoid that he was moving on. When I got there last night I realized he does miss me. Back to square one again and hoping I didnt do more damage. This is our second breakup and I usually push push push and it does just peeve him off. This time i have backed off until yesterday. I even ignored an email and call from him.. I also felt empowered..but it was temporary hence why i went to see him....oh well hopefully he will start missing me again

[Mellie]

I'm not saying I'd ignore him if he reached out to me. It would depend what he said. If it was I love you, I miss you, then that's the shaky ground really, because the vital component is missing - I've made a mistake - I don't want to break up. It's tricky, because no way can you be their emotional crutch. I think I'd remind him that this is what he asked for and given the circumstances, I'm not the best person to talk to about it. Suggest he talks to a friend.

 

I don't know actually - is this the right way to go?

 

I'd definitely do nothing proactive though. No initiating anything, and I'd be pretty cagey about my feelings. If he comes back, the last thing he's going to want is a guilt trip. That'll just send him off with his tail between his legs.

 

Hi how are you messages - meh, they are the pits. I don't think I'd even bother replying. I don't know. Is that the way to go? I don't know!

 

I guess in my case it's a rhetorical question maybe

[hopelessincan]

I think thats exactly what I did with him yesterday. Guilted him. It wasnt intentional at all, I was just sharing with him. But I know him well enough to know his reaction. Mine wont come back and say it was a mistake. he will just worm his way back and I will let him.

 

How long were you with your ex? have you talked since the bu?

[Mellie]

Nearly 3 years LDR. He broke up by email. We discussed it over the phone. I must admit, I did blubber a bit through the shock of it, tried to reason (like ya can reason in that state - yer right) but said ultimately I accepted his decision. I emailed a response covering the points I was too shocked to say my piece on in the phone call. Then that's it. And though yes, of course, I'm still checking my inbox every five minutes (it was only 2 days ago), I'm not going to be initiating anything. When we broke up before, he was the one who came back and changed his mind, exactly in the scenario I gave you above. But this time I'd be wondering whether that was what he really wanted or he was just chickening out, so I think I have to take a harder line. If he did. I think to some extent I am expecting him to. Quite probably he won't. But whatever happens, you get your head around it. Sometimes it seems impossible, but previous experience has taught me, you just do.

 

If you follow the advice here on EN, it's perfectly plausible they will come back. I did last time and, I have to say, it worked for me. But them coming back doesn't necessarily mean everything's going to work out for the best. Maybe you're just postponing the inevitable - I don't know.

[FathomFear]

How long has it been since you broke up? Not everyone feels it necessary to constantly update their families on their personal lives.

[hopelessincan]

How long has it been since you broke up? Not everyone feels it necessary to constantly update their families on their personal lives.

 

I guess technically its been about three weeks. Fair enough, but to still talk about us like nothing has changed? To not tell even your best friend? I dunno, its odd to me.

[Escargot]

If you have broken up and gotten back together in the past, he might be waiting to tell the friends/family once he's sure this time.

 

Or, if he's waiting to tell them until he's processed the BU himself, because he feels that well intentioned advice from others will only leave him feeling worse off.

 

Or, he's just not sure how to break the news to friends/family. Or, he's withdrawn and he doesn't want anyone around him at the moment.

[hopelessincan]

If you have broken up and gotten back together in the past, he might be waiting to tell the friends/family once he's sure this time.

 

Or, if he's waiting to tell them until he's processed the BU himself, because he feels that well intentioned advice from others will only leave him feeling worse off.

 

Or, he's just not sure how to break the news to friends/family. Or, he's withdrawn and he doesn't want anyone around him at the moment.

 

 

ah. yeah that makes a lot of sense. we broke up once before and he never told anyone then either. In my mind if he is truly done, then that finalizes it. hmmm...you've given me lots to think about

whats bothering me is there are two people in particular that he talks to and about us alot...he just carries on with them like we are just fine. if he is so done, then he would have no problem telling them. So hope makes me keep thinking its because of your first point...tks oh hope...what a terrible thing

[Escargot]

About a year ago, I broke up with my BF (we'd been dating for 6 months at the time). We went NC for 2 weeks, and got back together. As far as my close friends go, no big deal because they knew what was going on in my life. But I had told a couple of not-so-close friends about the BU maybe 9-10 days into NC. Later when we made up, I felt like an idiot telling the not-so-close friends that we were back together. It's almost like being fickle with a character flaw.

 

So, I'm now 2 days into NC and honestly I'm hiding out (or being evasive) to my not-so-close friends. I just don't feel like making the BU announcement until I know for certain it's permanent. The only way we'd get back together is if the X made some real changes and I don't see that happening. Also, I don't know what to tell people exactly, the reason for the BU, to sound diplomatic and not whiny and needy. I mean, close friends are allowed to know the kinks in my armor but colleagues and distant friends don't need to know my junk!

[hopelessincan]

I did the same thing the first time we broke up. I thought we were done for good so thought there was no harm. I too felt stupid telling not so close friends the news when we got back together three or four weeks later.

With this breakup however, I havent even told my best friend but its because I feel kind of stupid going through it again and I have closed myself off emotionally a bit from everyone but at the same time, i have been around my friends a lot more than usual. although i have a feeling she knows something is going on. its been a week since he officially told me, but pretty well three since we had the argument that triggered him leaving.

I am waiting until i know in my heart that he is really over us, and at this point i still feel like we arent done breaking up/making up.

 

Do you really need to give people a reason why? i assume you left him?

[Escargot]

When I broke up with the x-BF a year ago, a not-so-close friend said, "oh thank goodness, he's so WEIRD!" I asked her, "oh really? How? Because I'm weird too." I should add, she's a miserably dramatic whiner herself, and I try not to spend too much time with her. But point being, while you are going through the process (whether it's a true BU or are in the middle of a long feud) there just are people you don't want involved in your personal life. You don't want their sympathy, questions, or input.

 

And yes, I broke up with him. But certainly he wasn't acting like a guy who really wanted to stay in a relationship. I suspect he pulled the passive aggressive trick of being a jerk BF in hopes I'd do the dirty work. I told a friend today (who had invited us as a couple to a party) that the BF was being less-than-darling so I put him in time out. The only diplomatic thing I could come up with on short notice.

[hopelessincan]

Agreed. wow. thats kind of forward. That would have peeved me off coming from a not so close friend. I might respect it (but still not want to hear bad opinions) more coming from a close friend who knew the relationship or the ex. everyone knows someone like that. they like to give their opinion right or wrong.

A not so close friend of mine was actually asking me about my bf the other day, and all i told her was that i needed to learn to chill and stop being dependent on him so I was taking some time. She too likes the ddrama, but causes half of it.

similar answer to yours, so good answer lol

[Escargot]

A not so close friend of mine was actually asking me about my bf the other day, and all i told her was that i needed to learn to chill and stop being dependent on him so I was taking some time. She too likes the ddrama, but causes half of it.

similar answer to yours, so good answer lol

 

Ah yes, those kind of people peeve me! It's like they want to jab you a little bit while you are in BU recovery mode just to incite the drama and get juicy stories from you.