Is he right?

[katien]

I apologise in advance for this being a long story. Me and my boyfriend of three years had a fight today and Im left feeling incredibly guilty and confused. Ill start from the beginning...

 

About six months ago we went through a rough patch, we are both young (23/24), he started a new course and had doubts as to whether he wanted to be in the relationship or not, which was not clear to me at the time. He had started his course and was increasingly hostile toward me, generally a bad attitude, seeing me less. I found out I was pregnant at the time (lost the baby shortly after) and grew very anxious as to what was going on in our relationship. I was also unhappy as he was distancing himself and we had been together for a long time; I had still not been introduced to friends or family in his life and was feeling taken for granted to put it mildly. I knew his dad had asked to meet me at this time also, the commitment phobe in my boyfriend came out big time (he did not know I was pregnant at this point as I had only found out and was waiting to see him to tell him, as I knew he would not take it well).

 

Now I must clarify for the majority of our relationship we were incredibly happy. It only seemed to be when he moved into his new course and a different chapter of his life opened up that he became restless. After a particular phone call in which he shouted at me to not hassle him and ask to see him on his birthday I confronted him about what was going on. He declared the 'i need some space' line. I was suspicious and looked at his phone bill as I thought there may be someone else. I know I snooped and it was wrong, but I found endless phone calls varying from the morning to late at night (1am) to a new girl he was working with. They def looked suspect however. I confronted him and he passed it off as feeling good about himself again, being impressve to someone etc. We had a short break and were in the process of getting back together, were together in every sense of the word, yet it was not yet 'official'. He went on holiday for a week and i only heard from him once, (usually its calls every day, even when he in other countries). When he came back i had the usual declarations of 'well work this out, I love you completely' etc. But something seemed a little off. Out of curiosity I looked up the girl he had been phoning the time before and saw that her picture on a social networking site was one of them together. Led to believe she was out of the picture, I confronted him, he admitted that he started seeing her the week before went on a couple date, hadnt had sex but in my opinion enough went on.

 

Now since all this, I made it clear he had to stop seeing her if he wants to continue things with me. He did immediately and at times I can understand that we were at a bad place and its nice to feel wanted again. I did the usual of getting extremely paranoid, wanting to know where he was all the time, being completely emotional, jealous you name it. He still had to work with her at certain points however. I am unclear as to whether it was an ego stroke that went too far...which is what he makes it seem and I would like to believe. We are in the process of getting back together recently and have had good times. However, I looked up her profile again today and saw that the same picture was put back up. I had looked to see if it was still there before. I asked him if he was still in contact, he did seem genuinley confused and surprised that she had it up as he said he has not spoken to her in 3 months. But he got angry saying that me getting upset and looking up ppl in his business and life I dont know makes his uncomfortable. he cant trust me with his phone, he worries that ill be too suspicious of anyone and I may end up contacting innocent people in the future. I wanted to know if he had any involvement with her still?!?. He said he cant trust the carefree happy attitude ive had recently has been real as today the 'obsessive, weak' side of me makes him disrepect me and he doesnt know if he wants to be with someone he doesnt respect. I understand that I am not painting a picture of myself as confident and strong by feeling the need to look her up but I do think his attitude is unfair?

 

He said I have to earn his respect back after invading his privacy, how he doesnt see a change in me, (Ive been constantly working to improve my outlook on life and myself), hes been making time for me (when he can, though not as often as I would like)and spending money on me(dinner) and I havnt been holding up my end of the bargain by moving past it in rebuilding our relationship. He also accused me of being an unsupportive girlfriend by not letting him work today when I know hes busy by wanting to talk about this. He said if I bring this up again Ill get dumped. I cant help but feel that I have a right to be reassured by him or should I move past things. I can be so sure of how I feel until I speak to him, then I am left feeling guilty...

 

I am made to feel like I am not strong enough for him, he also said i just seemed obsessed and he can find an 'air-head' who wouldnt bring up relationship issued all the time. I ask if he truly want to be with me, and he argues that he wouldnt still be here otherwise, hes here out of choice but he doesnt need my extra hassle....

 

I am now feeling confused and lost. I feel unheard and undervalued

[Cesca]

It's not a nice thing to say but this guy really has you wrapped around his little finger. First of all you've been together all this time and you've still not met his friends and family? From that it seems like you are a separate part of his life and he certainly doesn't sound commited. As for making you guilty over being insecure and "weak", that is very cleary HIS fault. He's the one with suspicious behaviour that worried you. Why should you trust him after that? Invading his privacy obviously wasn't right but he's just as much in the wrong as you are there if not more. Try to suppress showing feelings of insecurity, and tell him he needs to win your trust back. You do have a right to be reassured by him that he won't behave like that again and that he's commited to you, if he's not willing to do that then I suggest you be the bigger person and leave him before he dumps you.

[katien]

Thank you for the reply, its much appreciated. For the first half of our relationship i was at university elsewhere in the country so i was more forgiving about not being introduced to his family, I have met a few friends in passing but never officially if you know what I mean. On todays note, Ive always been passive and am not big on confrontation, so when it comes to arguing I find it hard to stand my ground. Dont get me wrong he is a lovely guy, and I will take responsibility for my half of the relationship, I just wish he would too. He felt unhappy before and says he felt largely pressured by me and I will honestly admit I did become incredibly needy out of panic. However I dont know if he realises just how much of his actions contributed toward it at the time. I can be so intent on knowing what i want to say, but as soon as i go to do it i am unable to.

 

I think youre advice of supressing insecurity is a good idea, I might distance myself for a day or two then make it clear he needs to earn trust back, give him a chance to step up himself without constantly asking him to?

[Cesca]

I understand knowing what you want to say but being unable to in confrontation as I can be the same. I've often found that if I'm having trouble with my boyfriend I'll write him an email about how I feel and why I'm upset. Obviously he has to be up to doing the same and not blaming everything on you, but it might be worth a try. You're right about giving him a chance to step up without constantly asking him too, because to him it is probably just annoying and he won't listen to reasons he is wrong. Distance will probably make you both realise what you want.

[katien]

Thanks again, oh relationships are so hard. Im pretty sure he sees it as, he wanted out for a time, so I should be the person making him want to come back, whereas I was hurt and I want him to make it up to me. Alas!!

[Kitten love]

Katien, sorry to hear you're going through this, you've been treated horribly by your boyfriend through all this and indeed it is HE who owes YOU.. trying to make you feel guilty, naggy and paranoid is suss too (as well as completely juvenile and selfish) so please distance yourself as I have a feeling he's still carrying on with this girl from work.. I really hope he can step up though and be the man you deserve.

[katien]

Thank you for the reply, i did a new thread today asking if i should believe what he says in the infidelity board and the general consensus is siding with my boyfriend so i feel even more confused