I can't stop obsessing about his ex

[mint_tea]

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months. We have a great relationship and I am moving in with him next year when I finish grad school and I see us going the distance, as does he.

 

The one and only thing that is a sticking point for me is his ex girlfriend. He is 30, and despite having had many relationships, she is the only ex that bothers me. They were together 2.5 years and she left him 2 weeks before he and I met. He thought he was going to marry her, and I worry that he wasted his best on her. When we first got together, an acquaintance couldn't believe it because "he was obsessed with C for like 3 years!" My boyfriend expresses worry that I will do the same thing she did and leave him when I get a real world job. I have no intention of doing that, and I try to reassure him. I also get angry because I feel he is comparing us in that way, and I always say "I am NOT her!"

 

I knew her and we are similar in age (early 20s) and educational pursuits. As a result, I actually looked up to her. She's the one who convinced me to do grad school and get involved with our department's organization. She seemed so much better than me, like she worked full-time while taking 18 credits and finished her bachelors and masters degrees in 3.5 years, all while she was the president of a campus organization. I remember seeing pictures she posted on facebook when they were together and they were so cute, he looked SO in love with her (I know he's in love with me too, but still). This was all before I knew him. Those pictures now haunt me, even though I haven't looked at them in months and deleted her as a friend.

 

They lived together in the house he bought, and that is where we spend our time because I live with my parents. Everything in that house was bought when he was with her, and I can't help thinking of all the memories they created there. They went on vacation together, and whenever he brings up something that happened on vacation, even though it doesn't directly involve her, I get very angry inside. Like, why is he still reminded of the times they spent together? He still has pictures from that vacation and other times that they spent together, which upsets me. I have no traces of exes and I don't bring up things we did together. He says it has nothing to do with her and he's not sitting there looking at pictures of her wishing he was with her again. He bought her a gun that is still at his house because she claims she has nowhere to put it. Her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer when we first got together and my boyfriend was there for her during it, and went to the funeral. That was very hard on our relationship. She wasn't over him then and I'm sure she still isn't, considering she has left that gun at the house. I think she keeps it there so she has a reason to see him again.

 

I know I need professional help, but I can't get it until I start school again in the fall. Every day I am bombarded with thoughts of them being happy together, and how much better she was than me. Every time he mentions something from his past, I wonder if he was with her at the time. I get angry at my boyfriend for no reason. I need to stop bringing it up because it will tear us apart I'm sure. Besides this issue, which I realize is all mine and no fault of his, we have an amazing relationship and he's the most kind, loving man I've ever met. He has told me since the beginning that he is over her, and their relationship was over for a long time before they broke up. Please help me so I don't ruin what we have :sad:

[happyfrank]

Let the past die. Everything that happened in the past has no real merit in the now. Enjoy your time together and enjoy life.

[tattoobunnie]

Hahahahah. Sorry, but this reminds me of my best friend who was obsessed with her now husband's ex wife. The ex wife and him dated for 10 years, married for one year, and when my bestie and him met, he had just gotten divorced! So the obsession grew where she was cyber-stalking her, analyzing every single shred of information, and drove me crazy sharing all this info in the process. Then she would obsess about all of his ex wife's friends they would run into over the years they dated.

 

I think a lot of her obsession was based on trying to figure out how to avoid breaking up the guy. Take lessons by not doing what she did. It went on and on for years.

 

And you know what...NONE of that matters now! After 3 years of dating, they got married and are happy! It's like ex-wife who?

[tattoobunnie]

PS...she never told him about her obsession with the ex wife. She dumped it all on me! That's what besties are for anyway. You have to remember...she had her chance, and whatever happened, it didn't work out. She's not some unrequited love, or some soul mate. They broke up for solid reasons. And if your guy really wanted her, he'd act that way.

[mint_tea]

Thank you for the replies. I know that I need to let it go. He let it go a long time ago, so why can't I? Heck, he asked me last week if I'd like to get married on the beach (we were passing a beach house that is used for weddings). I didn't really answer because I was afraid he wasn't serious. Do you know of any exercises I can do to stop myself from thinking about the ex? When I am living in the present, I realize how much of life I'm missing out on. There are small windows of time where everything I obsess about feels ridiculous and old news. I wish I knew how to hold onto that. Our relationship would be so much better if I could just let this go and enjoy being with him!

[Huntress0527]

I don't have too much advice but I can totally relate to part that's bolded. My fiance was with many people but then there is THE ex (everyone seems to have one). They were together for 6 years so they had a lot of history and memories together and some of his insecurities are because of her. To which I have to remind him that I am not her, I'll never be her, nor am I anything like her! Just remember she's his past and an ex. She's an ex for a reason. He's with you now.

[Unknown1607307972]

I used to be a lot like this even though my boyfriend and his ex were not living together or anything, I think it's because she was an LDR relationship as was I and I also just have a plain old inferiority complex. I went through the cyber stalking phase, I brought myself to tears by picturing them together, every time he talked about past memories that had nothing to do with her I still would wonder if he was thinking of her at the time, missing her, with her even? I hated picturing him telling her "I love you" even when he says it was only what he thought love was at the time. It got so bad that I would make myself angry at him and want to avoid him at times.

 

Recently, I found a very old note between them in a huge box of old documents and stuff. It was tiny and my boyfriend had no idea it was there and the note was basically their names with hearts on (they were young at the time). I felt a pang of annoyance inside, my boyfriend simply threw it out and said we should go get a bottle of wine, and I laughed, agreed and got past it. A year and a half ago I would have been in tears and upset for the night. My point is that even the most obsessed people who believe they'll never stop thinking and comparing themselves to their partner's ex can move on from it. You realise that the memories you guys are making are the fresh, new ones that are in the front of the mind...the past is just lingers in the back. She is gone, not everyone holds a flame for their ex, if they were so perfect for eachother they wouldn't have broken up.