tegoz_marianos Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Ok here's the story. My bf and I have been seeing each other since February. I bought a flat and was in the process of moving into it when we discovered drastic plumbing problems so my bf said to live with him til its sorted. Its been 4months and my flat is now almost ready to move into. So...he has a lot of female friends, he's a photographer so these include models etc. He is also close to his ex gfs, one of whom has still got a key to his flat from when she used to feed his cats for him last year. I've never had issues with any of this. In fact I go running with his ex and have been for dinner at her house etc. He told me from the beginning the one thing he didn't want a relationship to do is to ruin his relationships with his friends and I'm fine with that as I'd never dream of telling him who he can or can't see. He is the sweetest guy, I trust him implicitly and he has never given me reason to doubt him. EVER. However there have been a few occasions where I've asked him about things. Like the fact I don't have a key when his ex does. Also the other week when he allowed his overly-touchy-feely-when-drunk female friend to have him up against the cooker at a party, kissing his face every 2 seconds. I questioned this (why he didn't push her away when I was sitting about 3 feet away) at the time but he was too drunk to remember the next morning and at the time I brought it up he laughed at me and said I was being ridiculous because she's just his friend, and so I let it go. These have not made me trust him any less because when I bring them up and we talk about them I let them go straight away. I don't hold it against him. But the other night I was pretty drunk and we were walking home and he said I always accuse him of thing when I'm drunk. Now I had jokingly told him to "quit chatting your friends up and get back to your seat before the 2nd half of the play starts" and teased him to that effect but always jokingly. So I said well actually if you want me to REALLY talk about something that bothers me, why didn't you push your friend away that night 3 weeks ago? He got really upset and claims he doesn't remember doing it but that he's really sorry and would never do it again, hugs, kisses and we walked home. The next day I get a text "I need tonight alone, my heads a mess. I feel you'll never trust me and I don't know what to do" I phoned him and asked why he'd think I don't trust him when just a few weeks ago he'd texted me to say how he loves that I trust him and how he must remember never to take that for granted as I'm the most important thing in his life. He said he doesn't trust me not to check him emails etc and that's why he won't give me a key to his flat despite me living there 5 months now. I don't really understand what more I can do to both earn his trust and make him realise I trust him with my life. Help I've had butterflies in my stomach for 3 days now and I haven't eaten anything. I don't want to lose such an amazing guy over this Link to comment
littlestar Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 If he treats you like that i don't think he is so amazing after all... You live there for 5 months and you don't have a key to the place you're living in yet his ex does??? Do i need to even say anything about this...just take a sec and read over what you wrote. He thinks he cant trust you not to read his emails every 5 mins?? Well there must be something in those emails he doesnt want you to see or else he wouldn't careless if you checked it or not. I think this guy is hiding something from you and the sooner you find out what it is the better. Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 I don't want to be the jealous type and tell him who he should or shouldn't give keys to. That should be his choice really. As for the emails, the only thing I can think it could be is that he's getting a flat warming present made for me and ocassionally gets email updates about it. I'm guessing he doesn't want me to see those? Link to comment
annalisa84 Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I admire your faith in this guy but I think you are in for a heartache.. You live there for 5 months and you still don't have the key? Which means that you always have to syncronize your schedule with him? And you think it is becuase he has some emails about your gift and he doesn't trust you not to go to snoop? This is a fairytale, honey. There is a reason why you don't have the key and it is not cause he is organizing some surprise party or gift to you Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Surely its also possible that he is busy in the evenings? (which he is-he runs his own business and has a full time job). We spend most of our spare time together. I help him with his photography stuff at weekends etc. He is seriously not the type who would cheat on me-i know this sounds naïve but I've done the cheating bf thing and he's nothing like them. He's everything I've always looked for in a guy. I just need him to believe that instead of worrying I don't trust him. I think he's been messed up in the past-his ex was so jealous she used to try and kill herself or self harm whenever he went out with his friends. I'm pretty sure that's where a lot of his belief that, in his own words, he's "a total bastard" stems from. I want to help him see that he's not. Everyone makes mistakes and I'm willing to talk about things and move on Link to comment
RedDress Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 You know... there are two things. I am not a jealous person at all, really - but when things don't make sense, there is something wrong. 1) If you have been living there for months, it would make sense for you to have keys. It's a convenience thing! If he hasn't given you keys, it's because HE doesn't trust YOU - not the other way around. His ex having keys to feed the cat? Totally normal. I don't think that fact that she has keys and you don't is an issue. I think the fact that you don't (and you live there) is an issue. 2) His friend kissing him all over the face? This is not a trust issue. This is a respect issue. How is this respectful to your relationship?? This is not appropriate behaviour of someone in a relationship. It has nothing to do with will he or won't he cheat. It has to do with respecting your feelings, showing dedication to your relationship, behaving as if he's in a relationship. Some people get SO freaked out about wanting to be trusted and bucking the idea that they can't do anything, that they go the opposite way. They want to do ALL sorts of crazy things and expect you to be a doormat about it. I think this is what is REALLY going on here. His behaviour in both instances is weird. I don't think this means he's cheating on you. I think it means that you should hold your ground. If he can't come to realize that maybe he's being wrong or unreasonable... it's because he's not ready for a relationship. With ANYONE. Staying with him will be toxic. You will end up his doormat while he does a bunch of questionnable things eroding your self-esteem. It's his problem, not yours. IMO. PS: Don't try to 'fix' him. Never a good idea. Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 I'm not going to change the way I feel about him seeing his friends etc. In fact now that my flat is ready to move into I think I'm going to give him more time away from me - I'm scared that part of this is to do with the fact he's seen me almost every day since we started going out. Every relationship needs a bit of space. I've always said to him I WANT him to spend more time with his friends without me around but he says he can wait til I move out as he doesn't want me to have nowhere to go at night. Maybe a bit more space and him getting to see his friends, male and female, will help him see I really don't have trust issues. Which in turn will help him trust me - if he feels I'm not worrying about his female friends, maybe he'll realise I have no want or need to check his emails? Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 It sounds like you are on the verge of losing your boyfriend. I suggest you slack up with the thinly-veiled accusations aka "joking" comments you've been making. He's your boyfriend not your property. He has the right to choose who he gives his apartment key to. He also has the right to privacy. You said you trust him but it seems obvious that you don't. Dating someone doesn't give you the right to go through their email or other private things at will. Valuing privacy isn't weird or suspicious. Invasion of privacy is a real dealbreaker for some people. Sounds like your boyfriend has dealt with a jealous woman before so he's probably very sensitive in that area. Boundaries are healthy in a relationship. Keep tromping all over his boundaries and you WILL lose him. Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Sorry, what boundaries am I "tromping" over? He often makes jokes about the guy at work who fancies me and the friends I have, it is what it is...a JOKE. The girl in question is a mutual friend and one who I spend a lot of time with away from him. If I was seriously bothered by him speaking to her I wouldn't like her so much! The girl kissing him however, that is at the edge of my boundaries as a girlfriend to be able to sit back and watch that. It made me uncomfortable And I've never checked his emails nor asked him if I could. I don't want to see them because there's nothing I suspect of him and there's nothing I would need to see there that I know he wouldn't tell me. Because I TRUST him. Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 You are the one that said he thinks you will read his email. Why does he think that? Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Because my ex of 3 years cheated on me and I found out one day when a gmail notifier popped up while I was using his pc, with his permission, whilst he was away in london with said girl. I am not proud of the fact that that's how I found out but it is what it is and I told my current bf about this before we ever went out with each other. Yet he still chose to lend me £20,000 deposit for my flat and invite me to live with him so I'm guessing it wasn't that much of an issue to him back then Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 It's an issue or he wouldn't have brought it up. Maybe the joking comments triggered something in him. Being in a relationship with an overly jealous person is miserable. I'm sure he doesn't want to go through it again. If you've been cheated on before it makes sense that you would be concerned that it would happen again. Sounds like both of you have trust issues. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Wow this guy is running all over you and has you convinced it's all your fault. I would never, ever tolerate my relationship partner being so physical with someone else, and if they excuse it due to "being too drunk" then the drinking to that extent has to stop because obviously there are self control issues You living there for months without a key is very messed up and his excuse about you reading is emails is rather lame. Even if that was the case he could easily password protect his computer and hand you a key to the door and that solves the problem very nicely. In this relationship you have trust issues on his part, not yours, boundary issues on his part, and you are just way too permissive and passive in regard to his inappropriate actions. I'll also suggest that him "needing space to think about how to handle your trust issues" is nothing more than a passive aggressive ploy. I wish you'd tell him "goodbye and good luck" but I understand that you cannot do that. Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 You do realize that we are only hearing her side of the story? And why can't she leave him if she doesn't like how he behaves? Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 I don't want to leave him. I want to work things out with him because I love him. I'm not giving up on us because of a few mistakes. We're worth more than that Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 You do realize that we are only hearing her side of the story? And why can't she leave him if she doesn't like how he behaves? Well that's true about 99.9% of the time on these forums. You work with what you got, you try to help the poster based on what they say but sometimes you can read between the lines and realize that although the story has the typical bias (his side, her side, and the truth), sometimes it's so completely inconsistent and contradictory that you realize there are bigger problems than the Op would like to admit and there's only so much you can do to help them. Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Well that's true about 99.9% of the time on these forums. You work with what you got, you try to help the poster based on what they say but sometimes you can read between the lines and realize that although the story has the typical bias (his side, her side, and the truth), sometimes it's so completely inconsistent and contradictory that you realize there are bigger problems than the Op would like to admit and there's only so much you can do to help them. You are right. The OP is the one that's here. However, it never hurts to give the person that isn't here posting the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I'm biased because I've been in this guy's shoes. I was falsely accused of being sneaky. It's possible he is too. Just cause some drunk chick was all up on him at a party and he didn't stop her doesn't make him a cheater. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 You are right. The OP is the one that's here. However, it never hurts to give the person that isn't here posting the benefit of the doubt. Absolutely, I do it with just about every post. I am very aware that I am reading only one side of the story and I tend to be very critical when I see things that just don't add up which indicate I am hearing a VERY biased account of the events leading up to the conflict. In fact there's a thread from a guy who thinks everyone around him is wrong and is giving the reasons why. I came back with why I think he's completely out of line, over reacting, and his inappropriate behavior in regard to these invisible others who aren't even here to tell their side of the story, is chasing all of them away. And of course all of that is based on HIS account of how it all went down. Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 You are right. The OP is the one that's here. However, it never hurts to give the person that isn't here posting the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I'm biased because I've been in this guy's shoes. I was falsely accused of being sneaky. It's possible he is too. Just cause some drunk chick was all up on him at a party and he didn't stop her doesn't make him a cheater. I don't believe he ever was or ever will cheat. I just felt his behaviour was a bit innapropriate as he really should have pushed her away. But the fact is I don't believe for one second that he would do anything behind my back. He is the most honest person I know and I think I just embarrassed him a bit by bringing this whole thing up Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I don't believe he ever was or ever will cheat. I just felt his behaviour was a bit innapropriate as he really should have pushed her away. But the fact is I don't believe for one second that he would do anything behind my back. He is the most honest person I know and I think I just embarrassed him a bit by bringing this whole thing up I probably wouldn't have been happy about the situation with the drunk chick either. It seems that your emotions over that incident are clouding your judgment a little and you are building a case against him in your mind. I'm sure he senses that. You let him know how you felt. Perhaps he will consider your feelings next time? Keep harping on it and you may never know. Spmetimes you have to pick your battles. Is this incident really that serious? Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 I don't believe he ever was or ever will cheat... He is the most honest person I know You've known him less than 5 months. That's quite a leap of faith if you ask me. It's almost bordering on the bizarre that he invited you to live with him, you've been there almost 5 months and you have no key. Besides it probably being quite inconvenient for you to adjust your schedule so he's always home to let you in.. it's just odd. Especially given the reason which is because he thinks you'll snoop on his computer, simply because your last boyfriend cheated on you and you found out through some sort of "email notifier' and you weren't even snooping then. Don't ignore red flags just because he is treating you well by lending you money and giving you a place to stay. Link to comment
iirawrz Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 all im gonna say is that if my bf let another girl kiss him in that manner I'd break up with him, its very self centered for him to let her do that when he has a gf Link to comment
tegoz_marianos Posted July 8, 2011 Author Share Posted July 8, 2011 I know it's not the best but I brought it up the one time thinking we'd have a discussion about it then let it go. In my opinion if it never got brought up again I'd be delighted. It's just that he's taken it really badly and seems to think it's broken my trust in him. Which it hasn't at all. Link to comment
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