He said he had never felt a spark

[hp654321]

So a guy I'd been dating 4 months, who I met online just broke my heart. We never really had a talk about what we were because apparently he is bad with talking about his feelings, and because he never did, I mostly kept mine to myself out of fear of scaring him away. However, we were seeing each other almost everyday and sleeping at each other's houses most nights and at that point I was basically figuring he thought of me as his gf.

 

Anyway, we spent much of this past long weekend together and everything seemed to be going great. He has always seemed really into me, we'd spend hours just talking when we were together without ever having awkward silences, do fun activities together, and he was always very affectionate. It also seemed like we couldn't keep our hands off each other as we'd end up constantly naked and having sex.

 

So tonight it took me by complete surprise when he said he needed to end things because he just didn't feel a spark and never really had. He said that he thought I was a great girl and kept hoping that the spark would come, but it's just not like it was with his ex (who he had never once mentioned until tonight, but I guess she broke up with him last August and according to him he was heart broken.) I just don't know how to wrap my head around this. How is it possible that I felt such an intense spark and he claims he can't see me as much more than a friend? And if that's really all he can see with me, how could he put up a facade of being into me for this long? Little things he would do like always hold me when we fell asleep and kiss me in the middle of the night... to me those aren't things you do unless you adore someone... they aren't things you'd bother faking. I would think that would be exhausting. It's not like he just wanted me for sex because that's not at all how our relationship was, and that's not the type of person he is. He was crying a lot because he said he hates hurting people, and that's one of the reasons he put if off for so long.

 

So how do I move on from this? Obviously if he just doesn't have feelings for me I can't change that. And I don't know if it's he honestly didn't feel a spark with me, or just expected everything to be exactly the same as it was with his ex. But I feel empty and used because I had honestly reached the point where I was falling in love with him. And to now know those feelings weren't there at all for him makes me sick to my stomach. I was already a very guarded person with my heart, because it seems like I'm always the one who ends up hurt, but I tried so hard to just trust things this time and not expect the worst. But I guess I should have been, and I don't know how I am going to move on or how I am going to deal with being alone, because I hate being alone.

[mouseno4]

So because he didn't share his feelings you felt the need to sink your own ship yourself?

[lavenderdove]

I'm sorry... that is painful news when you are excited about a person and discover they don't feel the same.

 

The thing about dating, especially during the first year, is that it is really a trial period for both people to decide if they feel enough to move forward to the next stage. It sounds like perhaps he wasn't over his ex yet if he's still comparing her to you, or that he was hoping that his feelings would develop into something stronger, but they never did so he felt he had to break it off.

 

I don't think he used you so much as you got really excited and attached too much in the beginning letting the feelings run away with you without stopping to talk about feelings and ask about how serious he was with you. People are separate individuals and can be in the same relationship and have very different attitudes as to what is going on if you don't discuss it.

 

So how you move on is understanding that finding someone is a lot of trial and error, and try in future not to expect too much in terms of it being a permanent relationship until you get closer to the year mark and both of you have discussed your feelings for each other. Try to rein all the 'he's the one' fantasies in and don't indulge in them until it is later on and you've both had that talk.

[lastcall23]

Wow, Did we date the same guy?

 

The exact same things happened to me a few months ago. Only difference was that we constantly talked about our feelings and he was always reassuring me I was the only girl in his life and so on and so forth. Basically, it was the same situation, he just wasn't over his ex. I think thats what it is. How can you feel a spark for someone, when you still have a spark burning for an ex? I can tell my guy really had strong feelings for me but they apparently weren't strong enough to completely deminish his feelings for his ex.

 

We still remain friends and are actually in an FWB right now but oddly, its still just not about sex. We talk every day and do things together costantly (that don't involve sex). We even planned a trip to Vegas for August.

 

Every situation is different. I think if its really over and you don't feel like being friends would be healthy for your particular situation, I would cut all ties and communication with him. It's the healthiest and safest way to heal yourself over everything. I don't think he faked any of those things with you. I'm sure he was feeling the same way my guy did, confused. My guy told me that he cared for me so much and always will but he just couldn't feel the "spark" either. I told him, sparks burn bright and fade fast, you have to be able to love someone beyond an initial spark because onces its gone, I'm still going to be who i've always been. I think that if you still think that something could potentially happen with you two, remain his friend and show him what hes missing in you... But I could be wrong..

[hp654321]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Lavenderdove- While I do agree with you that you don't always know right away and it does take time to get to know a person, I do think that you can often at least know if you have feelings that go beyond friendship early on. I do believe it's possible to feel immediate chemistry with someone, and that is what I felt for him on my side. Feeling like that from the get-go doesn't happen to me often. I do need to learn like you said to not let my head get in the clouds and start thinking someone is "the one" so early on. When I care about someone, I end up caring with every bit of my soul. I guess it's a good thing and a bad thing. It means I'm as loving and loyal as they come, but can be too quick to give that loyalty to someone which means I'm the one always getting hurt.

 

Lastcall- I really want to believe that he did actually feel something for me. I just don't see how anyone can act so loving and attracted for months if that's not how they actually feel.

 

To me it makes no sense why only days before ending things, he kept initiating us spending time together if he wasn't enjoying what we had. To me, if someone is interested in me and I don't share those feelings, hanging out with them would seem like a chore and I certainly wouldn't be initiating. As would kissing someone I didn't have feelings for. The flirtatious teasing, cuddling and handholding, the inside jokes, and the passionate kissing... they all felt sooooo real to me. Is it really possible none of it was ever genuine? Especially from someone I know it a legitimately good guy and was never trying to use me or hurt me.

[bulletproof]

So because he didn't share his feelings you felt the need to sink your own ship yourself?

 

What do you mean? How did she sink her own ship?

[lastcall23]

Thats was my point HP654321, I don't think it necessarily meant that he wasn't interested at all, I think a part of him obviously was because men don't do all those things if they dont have/want to. I think there was/possibly is a part of him that does feel something, but to him it isn't strong enough to take the chance of changing his mind early on down the road and potentially crushing you worse than he would now. That's the way I took it when it happened to me. He obviously felt something though. Guys just don't have the patients to do all those things with a girl they have little to no interest in.

[Cb123]

Just wanted to see whatever happened between you guys...I have a similar situation with an identical type if guy (dating 4mo/had amazing time /still thinking of ex/not open about feelings/adored me 24/7/break up out of NOWHERE with "spark "given as reason. The break up just happened today. I'm so sad I really can't even cry. I would like to see if the situation changed or if you completely moved on.

[boltnrun]

This is a post from 2011. Unlikely the OP is still reading.