Is this cheating? I need advice.

[apcrdv]

So here’s my story:

I was in an exclusive relationship with this girl, we had been together for about 6 months and were very serious. I had been friends with her for 2 years -- when I first met her she was in a serious relationship with another guy, but things didn’t work out for them and they broke up a little over a year ago. My family and hers live accross the country from each other, about 1,500 miles apart. Her and I were living together in her home town for a while, but I had to go back home for a few months to be with my family and take care of some things, and the distance was putting some serious stress on our relationship – I had only been home about a week, but we were squabbling over the phone almost every night, and she was feeling really down. Anyway, one day she tells me (two days after the fact) that a couple of days ago while she was hanging out with a guy friend of hers from work they had gotten really drunk and high together and she didn’t think that she could drive herself home, and didn’t know anyone who she could call for a ride, so she slept in his bed with him. She swore up and down that they weren’t touching while they slept, and I could hear in her voice that she felt guilty about the whole thing, but it still made me feel really nasty and sort of heartbroken and I told her that I’m not sure that I can be with her anymore.

Aside from this there is one other incident that bothers me: a couple of months previously to all of this she was hanging out with her ex and she started crying while she was telling him about something that was bothering her, and he cuddled up to her to “comfort” her. They cuddled together for a while before he asked her to stay the night with him instead of going home. She didn’t stay the night, but she told me that she was “tempted”. A couple of weeks after the incident with her coworker we were thinking about getting back together, when I found out that she had spent a night or two sleeping in her ex’s bed with him on the weekend – no sex involved as far as I know... Her retort to my being upset with this was “you and I weren’t together at the time.”

Does any of this constitute infidelity?

Now a couple of months have passed since all of this happened, I’ve cooled off a bit and I really miss her, she swears that she’s changed a lot, and I’m in a position where I could move back to her home town and try to make things work with her again. I was very much in love with her, I still think about her all of the time, but everything that happened still bothers me (although I’m not sure whether or not it should), and I’m not sure if I would be wise to rekindle the flame.

 

I really need some perspective on this… its driving me crazy. I would be really grateful for any advice.

Thank you.

[Glowguy]

It sounds like she has a problem with boundaries at the very least. Both of those cases would be unacceptable to me in a committed relationship. It's also very likely that you are not getting the whole story and she did a lot more with those guys than she is admitting to you. Do you really think you could trust her again if you move towards a reconciliation? Has she really shown you that she has changed and have you let go of your resentment? Personally I think you deserve better and you will probably spare yourself a lot more pain if you just move on. I did it and so can you. It won't be easy but you'll be happier in the long run.

[chitown9]

I think that the only way you could trust her would be to never leave her side. it seems that if you are not around she feels free to do whatever

[charity]

you guys were not together when this happened correct? in that case it is not cheating, even if she had gone and slept with someone it would not be cheating because you guys had broken up. HOWEVER she seems like she perhaps has some boundaries that may be quite different to yours and needs male attention and that will probably end up being the killer if you guys got back together.

[lavenderdove]

Oh the positive side, she appears to be being honest about these incidents (assuming she is telling the truth about nothing happening).

 

On the negative side,she cuddled and slept in the beds of two different men in the short time she's been with you. Something is not right about that and indicates something is going on with her emotionally that she would feel the need to do this. If it's strictly that she can't drive home, she could have slept on the couch or the floor. I personally would never sleep in any other guy's bed with him if i needed to stay at the guy's house for whatever reason, and even more likely, i would find a way around that and not stay at their house at all.

 

So she is either conflicted about commitment and not sure she is ready to settle down yet, or she has some emotional issues where if she's angry or lonely or whatever, she will run off and seek male attention to buoy herself up, which is not a good thing at all and she needs to stop if she wants to be in a committed relationship.

 

I would talk to her and tell her that if she is going to be committed to you, she needs to be 100% committed and not do these kinds of things with other guys. And never get herself in a position to have to stay over at a guy's house or sleep in his bed with him. And if she needs comfort, to call you or one of her female friends and not cry on some guy's shoulder. And that if she does anything like that again, you will break up permanently with her because she is putting herself in compromising positions that destroy your trust.

 

Also, if these incidents revolve around times when she is drinking and getting high, then that's a sign she needs to cut back on that and stop using that as an excuse to get herself in trouble. If she can't handle drinking and smoking without treading the line towards being unfaithful and also engaging in nebulous behavior with other men, then she needs to stop drinking and smoking.

[littlestar]

Hmmm...just be careful that she doesn't repeat herself.

[Eocsor]

In my experience, whenever someone feels guilty enough to tell you they slept over but nothing happened, .....something happened. Shes messing around on you. Time to get out before you get screwed over any worse.

[shandie]

Yeah she's lying. She slept with him.

[charity]

those last 2 replies are absolute fabrication and i don't think its nice to do say something as if you are sure it has happened and act like its a fact, when you do not know any more then any Other posters or the OP. to me yeah it sounds like she has some attention needing issues and acts a bit immaturely but this does not mean that she cheated. perhaps she did, perhaps she didn't but best to base your decision on the facts of what she has told you, and deal with whether you think you guys can work longterm if this is the type of person she is.

[Eocsor]

those last 2 replies are absolute fabrication and i don't think its nice to do say something as if you are sure it has happened and act like its a fact, when you do not know any more then any Other posters or the OP. to me yeah it sounds like she has some attention needing issues and acts a bit immaturely but this does not mean that she cheated. perhaps she did, perhaps she didn't but best to base your decision on the facts of what she has told you, and deal with whether you think you guys can work longterm if this is the type of person she is.

 

Come on. She's guilty about sharing a bed with men, one of them her ex, but nothing happened??? I have some swampland in Florida you might want to invest in.