Path to Reconciliation

[Penseur]

If you and an ex are attempting to get back together, but taking it incredibly slow, what is a good rule of thumb to contact them?

 

What is a good balance between not appearing too needy/clingy, but also showing unambiguous signs that you want them back? Also, what type of conversation should be brought up when you do talk -- lighthearted, nonserious things, until they show a willingness for more intimacy (when the ball is in their court)?

[dramallama]

What do you mean by you and your ex are attempting to get back together? Do you mean that YOU are attempting to get back together with them? Or have you two talked about things and have agreed to be back together and take things slow?

[WildHorse]

I say just go with the flow. I reconciled with an ex, but was very hesitant because I thought it'd be awkward. He assured me that it would only be awkward at first, and that we'd soon be comfortable again, and he was right. Don't overthink things-- contact them whenever you have the urge, talk about whatever comes to mind. Little things that happened throughout your day, etc. That's what we did, and it worked... For awhile, at least. (We broke up for good three months later because he was trying to get with another girl, but we had a good second run together.)

 

Best of luck to you. Hope you have a better outcome than I did.

[Penseur]

I broke up with her, then realized how much I miss her and asked for recon. She is being cautious, but says that the possibility is there in the future. We are NOT back together, but I am trying to get her back.

[dramallama]

Ok, that makes things different then. I think that you should continue being friendly with her for NOW, however, how long are you going to be in contact with her? Mentally, I would put a time limit on how long you are going to go with the status quo until you bring it up again AND be willing to walk away if she says that she's "confused". Don't talk about anything heavy with her in the mean time and reassure her that you do want to be with her.

 

Why did you break up with her in the first place?

[Penseur]

Excellent insight. Any suggestions on a reasonable amount of time I should be patient for? I broke up with her because I sensed some distance on her part and some communication issues, but after much reflection and self examination, I think I have a neediness/clingy issue, as well as a fear of abandonment. Granted, we have communication issues, but I am confident they are fixable.

[dramallama]

Have you discussed that with her?

 

I would give it 1 - 2 months and then if you two are not an item yet, you need to ask her what is happening and put your cards on the table. That is plenty of time to figure out whether she wants to be with you or not. If she says "I don't know" then you need to cut things off and let her know that you will not stay in limbo.

[Penseur]

I told her I have identified issues I have and that I am going to work on them. I haven't laid them out in details. I was thinking perhaps letting her know the issues I have in detail and what I'll do to work on them, all the while NOT pressuring her at this point to get back together. Of course, I am thinking unambiguous is the best policy at this point.

[dramallama]

Ok, but don't wait forever. I hope she lets you know soon enough.

[WeightOffChest]

I'm in the same boat on the path towards reconciling.

 

We're not together, but we want to be together and not to rush too fast so that we'd ruin what could potentially go the distance. While that would set a pretty high expectation on the new relationship, we've gotten close enough where that would be a goal for us.

 

Basically, we've been contacting each other about once a week. She asked me the last time we were on the phone, who would be the next person to call who. We decided that to just call whenever you get the urge to, but try not to get too carried away like we're in a relationship again.

 

However, it's important that nobody is playing any games and that things come naturally. We have no hesitations about speaking what's on our minds. One thing I've been trying to do in the frequency of contact is to keep each contact meaningful. While we call each other and initially talk about our days and thoughts, I try to ask her how she's been healing and let her know about the progress I've made. We've set goals or little milestones to achieve in order to move closer toward getting back together. I think it's important that we let our guards down a little more too, to show that we're sincere about getting back together. Tread slowly and carefully though, because you don't want to get caught up in the good feelings and lose sight of your goal.