any (kind) suggestions please? I love this man dearly can't give up hope of 'us

[LovingMe2]

I met a man on an online dating site, he found me and approached me. After months of wondering what I was doing on such a site I couldn't believe that I was actually attracted to this man right off! We emailed, text and then phone calls daily for a week and then we met. I think I loved him before I even met him and it felt like he was just as enamored with me. I was so nervous the night I was to meet him because I already liked him so much. We hit it off right away!! Our first date last 24 hours (we did NOT sleep together). He slept on my sofa. The next day was beautiful as were the following weeks and then he started slowly pulling away. This is the part I don't understand. Please dont be cynical.

 

He had been through a lot. He was working in a place/job that he didn't belong. He just took 'any' job that he could get to earn a living at that time. He had lost his license and his job and home a year earlier due to a DUI and was trying to get back on his feet.He had also had his heart broken by a woman he loved soon after all that. Anyway, this job wasn't working out as that was not where his skills were and they let him go. So very early, TOO early into our relationship I suggested he move in with me (even though we both really didn't think it was a great idea) just so he could get back on his feet. When he lost his job and earnings how was he to afford rent? And how wast he going to find THE RIGHT job where he could grow again. He needed to get a job in the industry he belongs in and is good at. It would take a while for his earnings to build as it's based on client numbers and that takes time to grow. He had no money, no car/license and no home of his own. I believe he is a good man that made a mistake and everyone deserves a second chance - I wanted to give him that chance. I have my own home, car and great job. Anyway, he found the ideal job and is working hard to suceed, he is so happy there but the earnings are slow to build. Soon after he started this job he then had heart problems and needed surgery too.

 

Early on, around the time he lost his job, that's when he started pulling away somewhat, I can't remember when it actually was as it was very subtle at first. After a while we didn't make love either anymore (he couldn't get an erection, not even watching porn) and he would refer to me as his friend - that hurt! As the months went by he started drinking more and pulling away more and more. He finally explainded that he didn't want an intimate/romantic relationship and wanted us to be friends. He says he loves me. The thing is it's not the same type of love I feel for him. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with 'anyone' right now, that he needs to feel whole again. He says he is sorry, that he shouldn't have been on the dating website, that he thought he was ready but realised later that he wasn't ready afterall.

 

In the meantime I fell in love with him. He no longer lives with me because the situation was hurting both of us. He lives very close though. I was (still am) in love with him and he could only love me as a friend. I helped him in many many ways, financially, emotionally, practically etc. He says he will be in my life forever, that no woman has ever done for him what I did. He says I got him back on his feet again. He is such a good man with such a loving heart and I miss what I thought we were going to have.

 

I'm thinking that maybe I helped him too much and maybe that's why he pulled away, or maybe he got scared that I might hurt him/leave him too. Maybe Im just searching. I can't get my head around that he was 'so into me' in the beginning, so excited to have met me as I was him. We are so compatible! He thinks I'm sexy, attractive, caring, kind and loving so I don't get it!!! If I'm all these things then why doesn't he want to be 'with me'? I know when I first met him and he had money he did like to spend and buy for me and others. I wonder if his idea of self, as a man diminished a lot when he lost his ability to pay for things as he was used to and had to depend on me financially. He does talk about money and earning lots of it quite a bit. It's very important to him.

 

I'm explaing all this because I don't want to give up hope of us being together again one day. If it's true what he says, then I'm hoping when he feels better about himself, that he might be able to love me back in the same way I love him. I also realise he may end up feeling better and meet someone else (yikes)

 

I have tried to be friends and that hurt, so then I tried no contact and that hurt just as much. So I decided I would try my best to respect his feelings. Afterall it's not all about me and my feelings. I decided if I was hurting anyway, I may as well try to be his friend if that's all he can give right now, and try to be a good loving friend but not in his life too much and not too giving, just supportive and encouraging. I'm hoping that if I'm in his life somewhat, and when I am, I'm a positive then maybe one day when he feels better about himself again, when he is earning and is proud of himself, that maybe we might be able to pick up where it seemed we were going in the beginning. I figure what have I got to lose.

 

I know most people in here say forget it, move on etc etc. But I think if I leave his life completely I've got less chance of him being reminded that I'm in a good in his life. I just have to play it very smart, for his sake, for my sake and for the possible sake of 'us' if there can be. And yes, in the meantime I'm going to try work on me too. I've got some big lessons to learn from all this.

 

Any insight and hopefully encouragment would be helpful, but please try to be kind. I'm still hurting so very much over this. I love this man dearly and I don't want to give up hope of us being together one day. I've never met anyone I've felt so comfortable and connected and attracted to ever before in my life!

 

I love him!

[Eocsor]

Just because you love someone doesn't mean a relationship can work. I think you have to take him at his word. He cares about you as a friend. A relationship takes two people trying equally to make things work. Even then it's a tough go. You never had that, there were too many issues right from the start.

 

If you can stand just being friends with him thats your call. But if it hurts too much you may have to back off of that to heal yourself. At the end of the day you have to be able to live with yourself and be happy. Make realistic choices that will accomplish that even if it means letting go.

[TwelveThirty]

Sorry I did not read but Eocsor's reply which I guess summarizes it all. I say: when you really love someone, it's possible to keep loving that person even if the relationship is one way, as long as the other is ready to accept what you have to give. It does mean some rejection, and maybe even despair, and being hurt. But if this is good for yourself, that you're not expecting anything in return, and that you are happy and confident about what you're doing, I believe it's possible to love one way. Afterall, isn't it what all mothers do?

 

EDIT: I finally read it and I cried lol Please don't stop loving him this intensely, but also make sure you respect his feelings and do not step on him if it makes him feel bad to receive so much attention and dedicacy.