Online Dating: False Start Ruins it All?

[Lavender25]

Just a warning that this is going to be long. Read along for details, but basically I met a guy a week ago and we've hung out a total of 4 times in that week, 3 days in a row. At this point I want to know if you guys will think I'll hear from him again, if he's interested, if I should drop it, or give it a chance.

 

I recently reactivated my OKCupid account, 2 months after a 4 month relationship. I created it at the end of last year and only went on one date with someone (it was horrible). When I met someone, I deactivated it. I decided to give it another shot, although I am reluctant about it. I get plenty of messages and average about 100 visitors a week, but hardly anyone catches my eye.

 

Well, last week someone did. I messaged him saying it looked like we had some things in common and apparently OKcupid sent him an email saying that we were an "exceptionally good match" so we got to chatting. He immediately wanted to meet up but it looked like our schedules were conflicting so we decided that we would get together "at some point." Last Wednesday he texts me and asks me out to lunch that day before he had to log some clinic hours so we met up for coffee. It lasted for a little over an hour and we talked about our lives: jobs, families, school, future plans, music, you know, basic stuff. I was surprised at how attractive he was: 6'2", blue eyes, dark hair... and he is 2 years from his doctorate in Optometry with plans to start his own practice. FINALLY! SOMEONE WITH AMBITION! He also commented on how attractive I was. At the end of the date we decided to meet up again on Saturday. We hugged goodbye and made plans for drinks in his neck of the woods.

 

There was little texting in between Wednesday and Saturday. He got in touch to tell me that he'd gotten mugged and the thug had taken his wallet and cellphone. Apparently the guy was texting people asking for money so he messaged me on OKC to tell me to ignore any messages from him and he would be getting a new phone that night.

 

Saturday we met up at his place, had a few drinks, and then he invited me to a party his friends were having near his school. I thought it was a little weird to meet up with friends on a first "date" but I'm pretty open to anything and I like groups so we went. I had a good time but I spent a while talking to the girls while he talked to the guys, and he would occasionally come over and put his arm around me, rub my shoulders, have me sit on his lap and such. When the party was over we went back to his place, had more to drink, played cards and he played his guitar for me. I was having a good time, but I was getting pretty drunk and I know he was too. And this is where it gets bad. I remember details like us kissing, him telling me he was really attracted to me, etc., but I don't remember how we got in bed. I knew I didn't want to sleep with him #1 because I didn't want to sleep with him on the first date, #2 it was the wrong time of the month, and #3 I stopped taking birth control after my last bf because I haven't been sexually active. However, I was in the middle of giving him oral when I realized what I was doing and knew that I didn't want to continue with it because I feared that if I did I wouldn't hear from him again. So I stopped. He was very confused and not happy that I started something I couldn't finish. I tried to explain my reasons to him and I don't feel bad for making the decision that I made, but I do think I didn't consider what he might think, i.e.: That I didn't like him, that he'd done something wrong, whatever. We talked about it for a while and emotions were running pretty high (I don't remember half of what was said), but I wouldn't consider it a fight. At one point I said that I felt like I should leave but he told me to stay because he didn't want me driving and that he would walk me out in the morning. I stayed in bed with him and we were back-to-back for part of the night, but wound up cuddling with each other at some point. Early in the morning I woke up because I had to go to work and he walked me out. We hugged and I rushed out.

 

That morning (Sunday), as I was sobering up, I started to feel * * * * ty about what happened. That wasn't how I wanted the date to go and I knew I liked him and wanted to see him again but at the same time was thinking it wouldn't be a good idea. But I texted him saying that I felt bad about how things ended and that I was having a good time until the end. I asked if I could call him after I was off work. I guess I thought that if he didn't respond then that was that and it wouldn't be such a big deal because I wasn't attached. I sent the text pretty early and expected him to still be asleep, but he responded "of course" almost immediately. When I called we both apologized to each other and I said I wish it had gone differently and wanted a "do-over." He said sure and said to call him if I wanted to make dinner plans or something. As soon as we got off the phone he texted me asking if I wanted to come to a BBQ his friends were having. I said I could come later if he was still there. When I went it was all of the same friends and we played some drinking games and just hung out. I could tell he was hesitant to get too close to me (afraid I would freak out, I guess) so I initiated most of the physical contact until he got more comfortable. I ended up falling asleep and when I woke up in the middle of the night everyone else was asleep and he was sleeping on the same couch near me, but not touching. I moved to cuddle with him and when I had to leave in the morning he apologized for the party being boring. I told him it wasn't boring and I like his friends, but maybe next time we could do something "just us." He nodded and went back to sleep. I covered him up with the blanket and left.

 

That morning (Monday) I was thinking about him and what he might be thinking how I feel about him based on my actions. I realized that he could be confused or conflicted about whether I liked him or not, so I texted him saying that I wish I would've kissed him before I left and that I wanted to try and catch some fireworks if he was interested. Nearly 4 hours went by and he didn't respond. I called him after work, he answered and he said he'd been sleeping that whole time. He had plans for that day but told me to call him later in the evening and we would see what's up. I did and he said we could hang out but he was recovering from a headache he'd had all day. I asked if he was sure and he said yes so I went over and we ended up getting some drinks at a place near his house, just us. We talked about his friends, music, and just "get to know you" stuff. He put his hand on my knee a few times and I reciprocated. He made me karaoke with him and that was fun.

 

On the way back to his place his car wouldn't start so we walked back and that put a damper on things because he was worried about getting his car to the shop, how he would get to work in the morning, cost, etc. He was going to call off work or take the metro, but after it was decided that I would stay over, he asked if I would take him and I said yes. We spent the next couple hours giggling and listening to Pandora and he played some guitar. I was falling asleep so he cuddled next to me. We kissed a few more times and he gave me some of his clothes to sleep in and even gave me some shirts to keep since they didn't fit him anymore. We talked a little bit more about what happened the other night and he said that he didn't know what was "ok" and what wasn't. He asked if I was sexually conservative and I laughed because that isn't me at all, but I guess I could see how he would think that. I told him no, I'm not, but I didn't want to just have casual flings all of the time. I've had my share of thinking it was going to go somewhere, give up the goods, and then don't hear from them again. I want to enjoy hanging out, take it slow, and when I do feel more comfortable (whether I think it could be long term or not), then I would make the call. We cuddled some more, started making out, and at this point I did feel more comfortable with him so I gave him oral sex. Afterward, he said "that was awesome, but why did that just happen?" I said it was because I wanted to.

 

I know this is getting long, but I feel like now is the time where I should mention that he might have some insecurities that I don't know how to deal with. I feel that while he has a very outgoing and strong personality compared to others that I've dated, it might be to cover up his lack of confidence. He is always commenting on how pretty I am, he has asked me if I like his singing voice, he says he's put on a bit of a "pudge" lately, and the biggest (no pun intended) insecurity he has would be the size of his penis. I guess you can't call it "insecure" but "arrogant." From our first night together, the night that I was drunk, I don't remember a few things but one thing I do remember was the size of it. DAMN. It's HUGE. I didn't say anything about it. On the night that he and I went out for drinks alone, he mentioned that when we were playing the drinking game the night before and I was on the "hot seat" he was going to ask me who was the biggest I'd ever been with. Then, after I gave him oral that night, he said that I was the first woman not to comment on his size. I was quiet for a minute (umm...what am I supposed to say to that?) and then I said that I did notice. He said something along the lines of because I didn't say anything, he thought that I must've been with someone bigger than that. Isn't that weird? I asked him why he would think that and he responded with not being to help thinking about certain things, they just pop in his head.

 

The next morning (Tuesday) we fooled around some more and got ready to take him to work. I said I didn't feel like changing into my jeans and asked if he needed his pants back and he said not to worry about it and he'd get them back next time. I took him to work and he thanked me for taking him and kissed me goodbye. I went back home, ran some errands, and texted him midafternoon saying that I was going to complain about being in dr.'s offices most of my day but then realized that he would win that game (he works in one). He never responded. Not a good sign, I guess?

 

I'm really just confused. I was thinking that our first "date" really put a bad taste in his mouth and he wouldn't want to go out again but he did. I mean, we spent 3 nights together in a row and I've only known him a week. He brought me around his friends twice. I'm not going to point out the fact that he said he'd get his clothes back "next time" because I have plenty of clothes from guys I've never seen again. He still hasn't responded to my text message from yesterday, but he has visited my profile again today. I would say that the fact that he's still on the website would be a bad sign because it means he's still looking, but I've been active on it too (not making dates or pursuing anyone, mostly just reading messages I've received).

 

Now, after that novel, what do you guys think?

[Batya33]

I think things moved very fast and with that comes the risk of a fast "crash" especially when sexual activity is involved so fast too. You and he barely know each other but he does know that you're comfortable going to his place, drunk, on a first real date (no judgment there, just figuring he must assume that you're an adult and you knew what you were doing)and then I'm sure he got confused when you pulled back all of asudden from having sex. Perhaps he doesn't want to have to deal with that kind of situation -- it makes things more complicated and it's so early on. First impressions count a lot in dating. I am not saying you made a bad impression but it requires someone who is willing to overlook that kind of "bump" in the early on dating road. After only a few dates he might figure he's not up for that kind of situation going forward and better to cut his losses now. Other men might react differently, just figuring you were drunk, made a mistake in sending mixed signals and move on from there. It would be nice if he called to explain how he feels but I wouldn't count on it. Sorry you were disappointed and perhaps you'll make different choices next time or find a guy who's cool with that kind of situation.

[Lavender25]

I agree. But if he felt that way wouldn't he have not even bothered responding when I got back in touch the next day? I mean, we did hang out for the 2 days following that, and he was the one that invited me to the BBQ the very next day.

[DN]

If the last time you heard from him was Tuesday then don't start worrying for a couple of days at least.

[tresqua]

I think you put out waaay too fast and you drink waaay too much and you're not putting yourself in the best light to potential boyfriends. Stopping the bj in the middle because you don't want anymore casual flings and you are sick and tired of giving up the goodsto guys who then disappear makes you look even worse.

[Lavender25]

I think you put out waaay too fast and you drink waaay too much and you're not putting yourself in the best light to potential boyfriends. Stopping the bj in the middle because you don't want anymore casual flings and you are sick and tired of giving up the goodsto guys who then disappear makes you look even worse.

 

Don't really know what to say to that. It's what happened, can't take it back.

[Lavender25]

If the last time you heard from him was Tuesday then don't start worrying for a couple of days at least.

 

I guess you're right. It's only been 24 hours.

[Batya33]

He probably was still letting it all gel - you've each known your pairs of socks far longer than you've known each other. Maybe he also wanted to see if perhaps you'd have sex with him this time.

[r0ckox]

I think you put out waaay too fast and you drink waaay too much and you're not putting yourself in the best light to potential boyfriends. Stopping the bj in the middle because you don't want anymore casual flings and you are sick and tired of giving up the goodsto guys who then disappear makes you look even worse.

 

...and then giving a bj the next time you see him just adds to that confusion.

[Lavender25]

...and then giving a bj the next time you see him just adds to that confusion.

 

And I knew he was confused because he asked me afterward why I had done it. I did it because I wanted to. I felt more comfortable with him, I was sober and had my wits about me and felt more in control, I guess.

 

I don't really know what to do and I can't even really explain why I freaked out the way I did the other night. I know most of it was the alcohol and maybe not being sure about where I wanted all of this to go. I still don't know.

 

The last night we spent together I asked him why he was on OKC and we talked a little about past relationships. When I asked him what he was looking for he asked me the same question. I said that I wasn't sure what I was looking for but wasn't comfortable with having sex so soon (first date). When I asked him what he was looking for, he said he wasn't sure what he was looking for either.

 

When I talked to one of my friends about this I told her I was confused because he had brought me around his friends a lot. She cleared that up by saying that I'm very attractive and guys like this like to show off. Is that true?

[Batya33]

You're assuming it's a big deal for him to introduce you to his friends. You didn't even know what he was looking for on OKC until after you were intimate with him so it's not surprising that you have to speculate as to why he introduced you to his friends. It sounds like you chose to get drunk and chose not to ask him in advance what he was looking for so that you could justify having some casual fun and then feign ignorance of why you made the choices you did. It sounds like you did have some fun, that you're now reevaluating what you might do differently next time -good!

[Lavender25]

You're assuming it's a big deal for him to introduce you to his friends. You didn't even know what he was looking for on OKC until after you were intimate with him so it's not surprising that you have to speculate as to why he introduced you to his friends. It sounds like you chose to get drunk and chose not to ask him in advance what he was looking for so that you could justify having some casual fun and then feign ignorance of why you made the choices you did. It sounds like you did have some fun, that you're now reevaluating what you might do differently next time -good!

 

I deeply resent that. I've never been the type of girl just to have a casual fling and I didn't plan any of this. I didn't plan on drinking so much and I'm not trying to justify anything. I know I made a mistake. And I'm not feigning ignorance. I think that if that were the case, I would've gone all the way and then started back-peddling and playing the victim and saying he took advantage. That isn't what happened here.

[Ariel85]

First off - BS on the story that he was mugged and his phone was stolen. Anyone who loses a phone immediately cancels the service, so I totally call BS on that one.

 

Secondly, I don't think you did one thing right, TBH. In fact, it reads like you kept making things worse. You spent a LOT of time "sleeping" on your dates, which is really odd to me to do with someone you don't even know.

 

Thirdly, I would have suggested he drugged you the first time you ended up blowing him and not knowing how you got there, but then you did it again, so clearly this *is* who, and how, you are. Accept it.

 

What's truly perplexing, however, is that you completely can't understand who he's MIA, and why he hasn't gotten in touch with you again. Really? Considering how you behaved on every date, would YOU call you again?

 

If he does, it will be because he wants a hummer.

[Lavender25]

First off, he did cancel his service and he did get a new phone. The mugging was even on the news because it was someone who had robbed 5 people in the last few months.

 

Secondly, I don't think I behaved BADLY on any date. The only date in question is the first one. And I stayed over each night because there was at least some drinking involved, it was late, and I live accross the river in another state.

 

Thirdly, I know it's hard to convey tone over the internet, but I'd watch yours.

[DN]

Don't over-think this, it's not like you did anything that bad. Take from this experience any lessons that may help you in the future and don't worry. If he calls and wants to go out again fine, if he doesn't then move on and find someone else.

 

You'll be OK whatever transpires.

[tresqua]

I've never been the type of girl just to have a casual fling

 

You are now.

[DN]

You are now.

That's unfair - one instance doesn't mean a lifestyle change.

[tresqua]

That's unfair - one instance doesn't mean a lifestyle change.

 

It can indicate a change in, shall we say, 'moral principles'. Especially if there was no reason in this particular case for her to be so easy with the guy from the very start.

[DN]

Well, let's ease up on the condemnation and be constructive.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to draw a line in the sand here Lav. There is nothing wrong with giving guys blow jobs on the first date ... but there is something wrong when you start to read his mind and get anxious when you don't hear from him.

 

If you want a long and healthy relationship with a guy, you need to start using your head. I don't know you Lav, so I ask this without malice. Do you think that there is some level of arrogance going on here aka I am attractive and I can be selective and I deserve the relationship I want?

 

Because, again, while what you have done is not "wrong" ... it's counterintuitive when it comes to attracting a good guy. If you want a relationship then the following things were unwise:

-Sitting on lap on first date

-Drinking too much on first date

-Blow job on first date

-Stopping in middle of blow job to say, essentially, "don't see me as a loose woman." [seems like mind games]

-Talking over and over again about the weird sexual encounter with this stranger

-Couple of days later saying you don't want to have more meaningless sexual encounters where guys run away and then giving him a blow job [and even he was confused!]

 

None of that says "girl of my dreams" to me. Girl of my dreams is stuff like:

-We took it slow

-I discovered she's as beautiful on the inside as out

-We have great conversations

-I get butterflies when I see her

-She is a really sweet and kind person

-We laugh a lot together

-We have a ton in common

-We waited for sex until we were both ready

-She's grown into my best friend

 

See the difference? I want you to have that relationship you want. Please consider not drinking and slowing down on the sexual activity.

[Lavender25]

You make some good points.

 

But I think I'm just going to give up on dating entirely. Even the times when I thought I was doing everything right and taking it slow things didn't turn out well and I wind up getting my heart broken. When I'm trying to relax and just go with the flow I'm a * * * * . Then when I'm trying to stick to my standards I'm playing mind games. It's all just too much.

 

I think maybe I knew deep down that this whatever it was wouldn't be forever. But I thought it would last longer than a weekend.

[Lavender25]

And, no, I don't think I'm arrogant. I think if anything the fact that I'm attractive makes me paranoid because I feel like most of the men I've dated recently use me as a trophy.

[Ms Darcy]

But I think I'm just going to give up on dating entirely. Even the times when I thought I was doing everything right and taking it slow things didn't turn out well and I wind up getting my heart broken. When I'm trying to relax and just go with the flow I'm a * * * * . Then when I'm trying to stick to my standards I'm playing mind games. It's all just too much.

 

Hi Lav. I know you are smart enough to know all that stuff outlined above was not sticking to your standards. Siticking to your standards means sticking to your standards and not loosening your standards and then backing off saying you have standards.

 

I looked back at that relationship you were referring to, where you went slow and then he up and disappeared. Basically he said that you are great and that there's nothing wrong with you but he didn't feel a spark. You were confused because things seemed great and you were happy and then months of wanting to get back together ensued.

 

Not every guy that you have a good relationship is going to "work out." I know that deep down love and commitment and marriage are what you want. And you can get into a relationship where it feels like it might go that way. Heck, it might even go on for years and not work out. Where you are lucky is that he didn't waste years of your life. The first months, even the first year, is for figuring out compatibility. It doesn't make you bad or damaged that it didn't work out. It should make you proud that you handled yourself well.

 

In any case, I do think a long break from dating would be good for you.

[Sparkly Eyes]

You make some good points.

 

But I think I'm just going to give up on dating entirely. Even the times when I thought I was doing everything right and taking it slow things didn't turn out well and I wind up getting my heart broken. When I'm trying to relax and just go with the flow I'm a * * * * . Then when I'm trying to stick to my standards I'm playing mind games. It's all just too much.

 

I think maybe I knew deep down that this whatever it was wouldn't be forever. But I thought it would last longer than a weekend.

 

That's the thing. People go on and on about what you should do, how you should take it slow, this and that. But none of those guarantee you hearing from the guy again or getting into a relationship. A lot of guys out there are just not looking to have a relationship, so no matter what you do, they won't take you seriously. My personal belief is that when two people are ready to find someone and have real chemistry, things like having sex too soon or too late won't be a deal breaker.

[Ms Darcy]

My personal belief is that when two people are ready to find someone and have real chemistry, things like having sex too soon or too late won't be a deal breaker.

 

I don't agree. I would never advise someone who can get emotionally attached with sex to have sex with a virtual stranger you have real chemistry with on a first date cause "no matter what you do" some guys won't take you seriously. When you wait and you get to know the person, at the very least you know that he/she is making the effort to see if you are compatible and get to know you.

 

I personally can move on more easily from a relationship that didn't work out than from a casual sexual encounter that I was hoping would become more.