4 year relationship ( 3years living together) comes to a hualt!!

[PhilHellmuth]

I normally dont post but I just feel this is a good way to vent and learn from this as well as hear other opinions.

Heres a quick background, Im 26 and my gf aka now about to be ex girlfriend is 24. We met 4 years ago because we lived in the same building and things just hit off instantly, we went out for 6 months at first but she ended up moving out of state and broke it off with me after 6 months. Prior to this my longest relationship was maybee a few months if that. I made an effort not to get into relationships because I didnt want to get hurt and I enjoyed being single and having no obligations to any female, other than showing them a good time one or twice a week. Well I practically fell in love with this chick and gave up my ideas of keeping a wall between woman and put myself out their for her 110%. Im very glad I did it was great. So anyway after the first 6 months we broke up then about 5 months later she came back and we started talking again and eventually started dating again. Next thing you know we ended up moving in together in a nice apartment right in the middle of the city. First year was great, 2nd year was still great except one day she told me she wants to be independent and find her self. I told her she can do as she pleases but It would be silly to waste 2 plus years because now she wants to be independent and single. So we ended up working things out or at least so I thought, althought mentally after hearing this I was prepared to hear something similar down the line and since have kept my guard up to this point, . Now about a year later from that date which is now our 3rd year of living together She said the same Exact thing " I want to be independent and try living on my own " " I never lived alone and have always been in relationships now I just want to see if I can do it on my own" That is pretty much exactly what she said. Except this time she sounded like she ment it and was very sad and emotional. Ironically when she told me that I was not as hurt as I was last year when she said the same thing. Now dont get me wrong Im very much hurt and sad and angry but for whatever reason Im not shocked. Just like in any relationship the passion has died down over the years but I like to think we still have great sex and what really kept us together this whole time is our chemistry, This girl is amazing on every level , theirs never a dull moment and we always seem to have a great time and wherever we go she makes me look good and vice versa. Today is July 6th and tomorrow she is flying back home for 3 weeks to see her family and also do some work for this annual rodeo show she does every year. What hurts also is the fact that I was going to come out their for a week to spend time with her and mainly her family. We had been planning it for a few months now for this summer . Well she literally told me the bad news a day before I was about to buy my plane ticket. In a way Im glad she did because it would have super akward if I flew out their with her and then she told me. She said I can still go and she hasnt told her parents or anyone about the break up but I told her it would be to painful to be there knowing that most likely were splitting up when she returns. This gives us 3 weeks to see if their any seperation anxiety and to see if maybee will end up missing each other to much and will try to work it out again. Realistically I told her I don't think we will be able to fix this and I don't want this issue to keep coming up in the future. Its extra hard because I work from home on the computer and its only a one bedroom and she works at a bar often very late till 3 or 4 am. Its been about a week since she told me this and were still sleeping together and stuff just trying to be less touchy touchy and saying I love you to a minimal. Its very hard for me to cuddle her up at nite knowing whats ahead. Anyway she leaves tomorrow for 3 weeks and I would love to hear some advice as to what to do. We both agreed that we do need to set a move out date soon because we have to give a 30 days notice. Im financially set for now and have no problem moving, her on the other hand its another story. She barely makes enough for herself to cover all her expenses. She will most likely have to get a roomate or two. Which is ironic because she wants to be"independent" I told her I will help with anything she needs, I also feel bad because 80% of the stuff in our apartment is pretty much my stuff, Bed Big Tv exct..we also each have a dog but thats irrelavent.

Cliffnotes:

Almost 4 year relationship with 3 years living together.

We had a couple of minor breakups in the past.

Girlfriend wants to be " independent find her career and try the single live"

1st time I ever put myself out their like that, gave her a 110% of my love every day.

Feel very upset and sad not really angry.

I still love her and think she is hot and sexsy and fun and smart and a great person regardless. WE hardly ever argue and get a long great

She taking a 3 week vacation back home. when she gets back will either have a move out date set or will be trying to fix things.

The next step??? setting a move out date and letting the heal process begin

[PhilHellmuth]

any advice I would kindly appreciate,

I want to make the best out of this situation

[tresqua]

She broke up with you several times, it was really no surprise the 3rd time around because the writing was on the wall years ago.

 

You'll be ok.

[PhilHellmuth]

She broke up with you several times, it was really no surprise the 3rd time around because the writing was on the wall years ago.

 

You'll be ok.

True although I guess I was wishful thinking with my heart more and not my head

[Unknownxl]

The only thing I can suggest is avoiding contact. You really have to do this. Avoid contact and at some point when your less hurt (if you feel like you want her still and your not having the desperate feeling) I would just casually call her up and speak briefly. Tell her your going out to eat LUNCH (not dinner, gives out to many ideas) and she is free to come along if she would like. (thats if she does not make an effort to be with you sooner, which is very possible) Once you to are out together just try your best to avoid any touchy subjects and try to have fun. Maybe eat for just an hour but once that time is up tell you have somewhere you have got to go and it has been fun. Dont set up another meeting time. Just leave and give her a call in a couple of days and ask if she wants to meet up again. (she may have already contacted you at this point) Its really just you waiting for the right time. If you try to keep her from leaving, beg, call her, or text her all the time it will make things worse.

[PhilHellmuth]

quick update:

4 days ago I dropped her off the airport which was very hard both of us in tears, she will be gone for about 3 weeks. Im trying my best to keep my distance but its a lil hard bercause she constantly texts me and sends me pics of her and what shes doing, also we have been talking on the phone about once or twice a days. I dunno if this is helping the break up process or if she wants to work things out. When she gets back were either going to be moving out shortly after that or figure out exactly what the deal is!

[MissKate]

MMM. tough situation esp. because its been so long and you live together. My opinion is...she doesnt know what she wants. Shes been mentioning, in a way, being single for quite some time. Not months, but years. You sound like a good guy. If someone wants to be with you, they will be. If they don't then they won't. Break ups suck. I'm going through a rough one now but you can't force her to stay.

[motleylou]

Sounds similar to my situation on my mine was only a year long and lived together for 6 weeks. But the same substance was there,I gave this girl my all and was for the first time in my life ready to settle down with what I thought was the perfect girl. We like you 2 got along great and had all the chemistry in the world. We could make a trip to the grocery store a good time.

 

After 6 weeks living in my parents house and just coming back from a romantic and intimate couples vacation. She went home 1 hour away and never came back the same. Now I found out later that she cheated on me,even though I guess it never meant much and there were other problems bc her and that kid never went anywhere. But I also got the whole I need to figure myself out,I feel like I'm always someones girlfriend,I want to start a career blah blah blah.... In the end 6 weeks later after moving home she's in a new relationship with someone new.

 

We are 24 & 23 and honestly I think that girls that age just don't know what they want,and have commitment fears just like guys do. Sounds like your girl might of been the same way. She was probably scared that she was getting on too deep. Or there could be another guy in the picture. I think my ex lied the whole time about finder herself and what that really meant was I want to see what else is out there.

 

It sucks to find that out but it really could be the case. My advice is to say you're ok with the breakup and then go strict NC. If she wants you then she will let you know. Maybe even after she dates someone else she will come back. By that point you might of moved on or will be willing to try again. But like others have said if someone isn't into the relationship then you don't want them in your life. If they aren't willing to give you all they have then let them go and find someone who does. Or the tome apart with NC might make her miss what you 2 had. Either way just leave classy and she will forever respect you for it.

[PhilHellmuth]

Thanks you for your great input.

Shes been out of town a week now and we talked a handful of times.

Everytime we end the conversation she says she loves me but it dosent feel that way. So she will be back in two weeks and Im almost positive we are going to go our separate ways. Also about a month ago she met a new guy friend at her bar and they have been texting each other 24/7 but she claims that hes just a friend. Well a few weeks after they met I got the breakup news I wonder if theres a correlation between the two...

[Wilsonx]

Thanks you for your great input.

Shes been out of town a week now and we talked a handful of times.

Everytime we end the conversation she says she loves me but it dosent feel that way. So she will be back in two weeks and Im almost positive we are going to go our separate ways. Also about a month ago she met a new guy friend at her bar and they have been texting each other 24/7 but she claims that hes just a friend. Well a few weeks after they met I got the breakup news I wonder if theres a correlation between the two...

 

I hate to tell you this but when you wonder about something like this, its your intuition telling you that its true. My ex/my best friend told me the same thing after 3 years that she needed her space and all that jazz. She told me the guy she texts back and forth at 2-5am is just a friend (coworker). I actually went up to her work one night and watched their interactions, she works at a restaurant and you can see the infatuation they have between each other.

 

I am going to be honest, you need to step away from the situation for you and let her go for your own healing process. It sucks, Im there now, I made her leave over a month ago and have been NC for 28 days now. It hurts everyday but everyday also gets better. I will let you know when she told you this last year the same situation was going on too probably with a different person. Want to know how I know, same thing happened to me. Right now she is using you and has used you in the past as her security blanket. Avoid being that and remove yourself from her life

[PhilHellmuth]

As much as I dont want to admit it this sounds almost spot on I think!

Althought she would never admit that.

I definitely don't want to be someones doormat or security blanket lol.

I think the hard part is getting used to them not being their and thinking if their with someone else and your mind starts playing tricks on you.,,

[PhilHellmuth]

Heres a quick up date:

She came back from vacation on the 25 of july, and we basically confirmed with each other that its over and will be moving out by aug 30th. Already started looking at apartments exct..

I must say when I found out the news on july 1st I was pretty upset and devistated of the thought of her leaving but now almost 30 days later I gotta say I feel pretty good

It helps that I have been doing ME and focusing on making my self better not to mention I have almost made 30k this month from poker which Can brighten anyones mood lol.

So now were just waiting for the move out day while still sleeping in the same bed

To be honest if she asked my on july2nd to rethink her decision I would have taken her back in a heart beat, Now If she asked me to work things out I would firmly say no and that I need to move on and stop wasting my time with someone that dosent know * * * she wants and constantly is unsure about her feelings and independence! Hope that dosent mean

[Ms Darcy]

Good for you! I'm glad you are doing well.

[PhilHellmuth]

Thank you for all your responses and for helping this process go a little smother for me.

We have about 20 days till we have to move out and we both have been looking for new places, Im actually highly considering staying at our current place because the landlord loves me and is willing to knock 300 of our current rent if one of us decided to stay here. Which I might end up doing because I frankly love our current apt and can afford it on my own.

Althought I know the breakup is pretty much official I still can't help but feel in a limbo especially that were still seeing each other everyday since we live togethter and share a bed, and theirs times when I get horny and want something and she will make up an excuse to avoid doing anything sexual, but I'm very persistent and good at getting what I want so occasionally she will put her guard down and give me some booty...

I completely Understand that it must be hard on her especially sexually since she was the official dumper and I know she checked out emotionally before I did. So I don't really want to keep pressuring her into doing it but I'm human after all and have needs and I figured she's gotta be somewhat horny herself after not getting any for a while from me unless ofcourse shes getting it from somewhere else which would be a tottaly different story....

[tresqua]

the landlord loves me and is willing to knock 300 of our current rent if one of us decided to stay here.

 

Your landlord is unable to rent the apartment to anyone else at the rate you were paying because it's too high for current market conditions and since you've been a reliable tenant in the past he'd rather you stay there than risk it on an unknown and since he was over charging you he can be a big shot and cut the rent back down to where it should have been all along.

[PhilHellmuth]

We have about 10 days left till we go our separate ways and I got to say the last few weeks haven't been the easiest especially since we try to keep our distance and sometimes its hard because you sub-conciously put your arm around each other and cuddle because it feels natural. I must say the sex the last few times has felt a little weird, I still enjoyed it but for whatever reason it was hard to keep him up the whole time. I still in my head believe she is fine but mr johnson apparently does not agree or is it because off the emotional connection that we have shared for the last 4 years is no longer their and is destroyed...

[PhilHellmuth]

Hey guys!

Im on no contact period of 2 weeks now and it is very hard, I just want to text her and say whats up but I know I shouldnt especially since my last text message to her 2 weeks ago she never responded...

AHHHHHHHrg must resist help! lol

[PhilHellmuth]

well its been a few months a figure i do a real quick update.

Things have been going smoothly I have been focusing on staying busy and also hanging out with good friends,,,

No call has worked pretty well, Once in a while we send each other a short text or two but to be honest I'm not sure why althought it feels good knowing they acknowledge your presence from a distance still..

Also why is it that now that im single I'm getting all the wrong woman for whatever reasons,I usually prefer semi fit semi athletic and nice face and booty, hair dont matter, who can laught at a few jokes and dont put me to sleep with their stories and instead im getting the complete opposite forcing me to say no often or just not interested unless my blood alcahol level is very high...

[PhilHellmuth]

PhilHellmuth;5112569]well its been a few months a figure i do a real quick update.

Things have been going smoothly I have been focusing on staying busy and also hanging out with good friends,,,

No call has worked pretty well, Once in a while we send each other a short text or two but to be honest I'm not sure why althought it feels good knowing they acknowledge your presence from a distance still..

Also why is it that now that im single I'm getting all the wrong woman for whatever reasons,I usually prefer semi fit semi athletic and nice face and booty, hair dont matter, who can laught at a few jokes and dont put me to sleep with their stories and instead im getting the complete opposite forcing me to say no often or just not interested unless my blood alcahol level is very high...

[Mayforce]

This is the date we ended up our 6yrs relationship..... I made a talk after he was back from work and i was about going to his ex colleague's gf place to do language exchange. I was crying over at friend's place and when I was back, he was not in the house but drove to one of his colleague's place. Suddenly it started raining like waterfall around the Alpes mountains and the thundering and lightening was here and there. I never see that weather before there, which I thought it was quite dramatic to make our day too special. Then, he came back maybe around 2 or 3am.