Did I make him into this person?

[calista]

I´m a mother of three young girls. The youngest girl is 11 months old and I had her with my latest husband.

 

When I met him I knew he was a bit odd but he seemed so kind and concerned about others. He worked as a mental health worker and everybody loved him, almost everybody. Some people said I should stay away cause he was weird.

 

He grew up in Jehovas witnesses but his family left the church when he was 16. He was 25 when we started dating and he was still a virign. First weeks we dated he asked me about a thousands questions to make sure that I was the one and wouldn´t leave him. I got pregnant after a few months (by accident) and we moved in together. One night we had a mild discussion when I didn´t see it his way he started going balistic on the furniture. This always like flatline person went totally balistic over a minor conversation where he felt threatened that I would leave him. This scared me but I stayed with him. When my hormones started raging I got a bit clingy and sensitive and my previous husband had cheated on me years before when I was pregnant with the girls.

 

This fear came up during my pregnancy with Alex we can call him that. My fear for his raging made me even more afraid that something was terribly wrong and I got more clingy and insecure. He started blaming me for his outbursts. I was too hard to stand.

 

Our first few months in he was showering me with complimants and declaring a love so big I´ve never felt so special to anyone before. After ever raging outburst though he started taking back things of love he´s said earlier or promises he had made. It started out little by little but it only made me more and more scared and insecure. He told me I would suit myself for being such a hazzle. The raging escalated into broken walls, furniture, windscreens, shoving, threats and once my hand got accidently caught in a door and i broke it. once he hit himself in the face in rage so he split his own lip open. By the time i eas 8 months pregnant he had " accidently" kicked furniture in to my belly, flung me accross the floor in to walls and so on.

 

He would go mad and shout and scream horruble things to me swear and curse, threaten to leave me and the baby, to kill himself etc.

I was a pregnant nervous wreck. He said constantly that i had to change cause it was my fault that he flipped and i made him feel bad and hate his life. i changed myself more and more and grew silent which didn´t help. Now it was enough even if i looked scared or worried and he would flip. He analyzes words in his head to the point that it´s compulsatory. So now after a year i am totally silent and only talks about fun things but he still threatens to leave ver soon, he gives me silent treatments belittles me in bed says he hates to have sex with me but still does but only if i´ve been good. He says he doesn´t know what love is so he won´t say anymore that he loves me. He says he doesn´know if i am ugly or pretty anymore so he never give ,e any complimants anymore. It´s been a long and hurtful wau down from that high pedestal.

 

And i am the one who know is scared to death that he will leave me and he got me on my knees, and walking on eggshells. He says he might even be happy if i die and he can have a real relationship with someone who is worthy of him.

He blames me for everything and i am scared that he will leave and be happy with someone else cause that would mean that every harsh thing he has ever said about me is true and i am not loveable.

 

I feel like he punishes me with witholding affection and he says he can´t kiss me when he feels frustrated even if I haven´t said a word. He can´t take any criticism so I never complain about anything he loves to complain about everything though and I am not supposed to even react to criticism cause then he vanishes for hours or days and turns off his phone. He has moved in to a small flat of his own cause he can´t stand me most times and I sit and wait for his love that at times are wonderful for a few hours then he goes back to disliking me for no reason. He says I can have the weekends that he can offer them even if he most times just don´t want to see me. Then he initiates sex in the weekend and he seems so loving but the next week he can say that he only forced himself to have sex with me. I feel so worthless. I seem to wait for the glimpse of what he was at first and he gives me that every once in a while too.

 

I´ve googled his behavious but he doesn´t seem to fit the controlling type even if this can seem like some other more sophisticated kind of control. Cause I do feel emotionally controlled. He knows excactly how to make me cry in one second or to scare me by threatening to leave soon. I will just have to wait and see he says if he can stand feeling this miserable with me. A couple of weeks ago we had a full romantic week and everything seemed wonderful but the week after that he said that he had felt bad all the time...Like he was acting. I´m so confused, hurt ,scared and I don´t know what. But my love or whatever it is I am feeling only seems to grow. Now I am the only one who says I love you or you are so beautiful. He only replies with silence.

 

And I work extremely hard to please him. I cook, clean, give him gifts and compliments I am always ready for sex whenever he might feel for it I am always there to listen and to comfort him and apologise for making his life miserable. I never ask for anything anymore and he only still sees me as the clingy type I was a year ago during my pregnancy and says that deep down I must still be like that. I´ve changed so much and he says I haven´t done any effort at all it is so frustrating and hurtful to hear. He says he can´t love me until he knows for sure I am not insecure. But even if I don´t show it how can anyone feel secure in this relationship? He has the upper hand and I am on my knees and I don´t know how to get up. I try to do other things but he is in my head constantly and my self worth is so low that I feel like dying when he threatens to leave. I was such a popular and strong woman when he met me I really was. I am 10 years older then he and have had a wonderful exciting life. How could a little boy make me feel this way and is it my fault that he feels this way. His sisters said he was depressed before he met me and very compulsive.

 

My previous relationships have never been even close to this. He´s the love of my life and i am not even able to have feelings for anyone else. Yet keeping him in a good mood is a 24 hour job and everything evolves around him. Yet he wasn´t jealous in the beginning now he has started criticizing what i wear which puzzles me when he seems to just want to get rid of me. He has no impulse control, he seems depressed at times has rages and compulsive thoughts. He also has weird thoughts about the world maybe from his upbringing.

 

Can anyone help me understand this mess.

[Firiel]

You in no way are responsible for the way he is acting towards you. This man is abusive and dangerous, and that's all on him. Please take your kids and get out of this relationship, for their sake as much as yours.

[chatelaine]

This is quite a mess. I have quite a few questions before I can give you any advice.

 

What do you mean by he was "weird"? Can you give concrete examples? Are you currently married? How is this abuse affecting your children? Does he do these things in front of your children?

[Seraphim]

You are in NO way responsible for the way he is. Get out now!! Leave today and apply for full custody of your youngest daughter. This man will eventually KILL you. He WILL abuse your children and he IS abusing your children watching their mother be abused. It is also teaching your children violence is ok. Get out of there and get some counseling to recover yourself.

[Cheetarah]

Why are you putting not only your life, but the lives of your girls in jeopardy every single day? Why are you exposing them to this madness?

 

This man doesn't own your self-worth, even if you feel like he does. It's only buried beneath the rubble and you're not in touch with it - No one gets to decide for you if you're lovable, likable, a good person. The only way to GET BACK THE WOMAN THAT YOU ARE is to shed this extra weight - aka, him.

 

He pulls you down to his level because he is clearly a disturbed individual, and misery loves company. I know he has his kind moments - Every single abuser does. There is a cycle and that's why it's tough to leave - You cling to the good moments, wait around like a crack addict for the bad to pass until you can get to the eventual 'good' again.

 

You can love again - You can love other people, although it maybe be a long time before you are able to get in touch with those feelings again when you heal from such a relationship. You are addicted to him, you are enmeshed and entrenched, and you have handed over a power only you should be able to exercise - Your own sense of worth and will. It's not his, you need to take it back, and the only way you can do that is to get yourself away from this man. He will only continue to pull you down to his level, over and over.

[calista]

Weird well... He´s a vegan and cares for animals to the extreme. After hitting me he could go OH over a fly on the floor and try to save it. He thinks Zeitgeist is the bible he is afraid of any chemicals vaccinations medications etc. He thinks everything is a plot and so on. He searches to the extreme over something to believe in. He thinks that the world is coming to an end and wanted to get sterilized at the age of 18. We live in Sweden and you have to be much older to get sterilized here. He hates that we had a child cause she will suffer in this world. But he is against abortions as well so he wouldn´t let me have one. We are married. The children has been worried but it´s better when he lives at his own place though. I have gotten therapists for the two oldest girls.

[Seraphim]

Get out of there, it will only get worse. Want to know where my mother's best friend is? She is in a cemetery,DEAD. Her husband shot her with a shot gun. Take your kids and leave.

[calista]

The worst part is that he personally signed up for an abuser program the first time he hit me cause he wanted to be able to control himself. He´s been in the program a year but is´t gotten worse and more emotional abusive cause he only finds causes to why he acts the way he does and justifies them and blames me in the progress. We went to couples councelling but if I said anything critical I would get hell after the session

[calista]

I keep analyzing him trying to find out what is wrong with him. There must be a diagnoze to lable him with. He just doesn´t seem to be your regular kind of abuser who checks your mail, stalks you etc...I can´t find his actions anywhere online even. This is what makes me think either he is mentally ill or I am to blame

[Cheetarah]

Calista, if he was serious about helping himself, he would seriously help himself.

 

Abusers don't need to get 'worse' before they get better. Watch action, not words, not promises. His actions have only proved that he is not improving himself, he's just getting more and more abusive. His words don't mean jack, because there's nothing behind them, supporting them. He may be in this program, he may say he wants to control himself - But he doesn't. And that's all you need to know.

[Seraphim]

You are just trying to rationalize, don't. Take your kids and walk.

[calista]

About how he is with the children..Well nowadays he is very concerned that he won´t flip in front of them but that is because the police walked in on him giving me a concusion in february and he is out free waiting a trial which may start in the fall. So now he doesn´t hit me anymore but he does all the other mind games I´ve written above.

[Cheetarah]

I keep analyzing him trying to find out what is wrong with him. There must be a diagnoze to lable him with. He just doesn´t seem to be your regular kind of abuser who checks your mail, stalks you etc...I can´t find his actions anywhere online even. This is what makes me think either he is mentally ill or I am to blame

 

You can't force a person to act a certain way. Issues like these, they're deep-rooted. All they need is an opportunity to come out, and they do. I'm certain it's likely they were there since he was a child. You CANNOT "make" a person into an abuser. This is how they keep you hooked, line and sinker. They make you think it's your fault, and then after awhile you begin to accept that responsibility because you think if it's your problem, then somehow you can fix it and magically restore the 'good' side of them once again.

 

He is disturbed. No one can say by what - You did not make him into the person that he is.

[calista]

That is what I´ve been thinking to. He wants to justify and blame that he feels unwell and that I make him unwell just by existing. So it´s been turned from when he was afraid of me leaving him to me begging him to stay which is sick. I just don´t understand myself why am I so afraid that he will leave me? I feel terrible

[calista]

We are married but living apart I wrote about the weirdness and the kids below.

[agent1607307371]

Callista, you are stuck in the cycle of abuse, that is why you are scared of losing him even though rationall you know that he is bad for you.

 

You can't change him, you can't help him, you are NOT responsible for him.

 

You CAN help yourself and protect your children.

 

Everything you have posted about this man makes me very concerned for your safety - and mental abuse is just as bad as physical.

[Cheetarah]

Calista, I see you have therapy for the girls(that's great - and necessary), but what about for yourself?

[calista]

I can´t afford councelling so I am on a state waiting list Kids get free councelling dental health care here so the kids are getting help. I just don´t know if it is love that I feel is growing for him. I mostly feel hurt and belittled and disrespected and that hurtful feeling blends in to some kinds of neediness. I am afraid he will be happy with someone else which would mean that it was all my fault. My rational mind says though that he can´t have a healthy relationship whatsoever

[Seraphim]

He WANTS you to believe this is your fault. It is NOT your fault.

[calista]

Like today...The baby has been sick and I haven´t slept for days so he said he would come over and help me he just had to pick up his mail in town first. That was four hours ago. I am afraid that if I call and ask when he´s coming he will start being nasty and saying how bad I make him feel what a * * * * * I am. I don´t know how many hundred hours during the last year I´ve been sitting and waiting for him like tonight. And when he comes I have to be fun and light and greatful or he will start escalating into a rage.

[calista]

He´s on his way now. I finally cracked of tiredness and called and almost whispered the question "Are you coming soon baby?" I seem to start to studder whenever I feel I am about to ask for anything. He seemed annoyed at me on the phone. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach. It is almost midnight over here

[Cheetarah]

You don't have to be anything. You could devise a plan to leave, get your finances and such in order, and get away from him - And reclaim yourself.

 

You're right, you can't have a healthy relationship with him. If you stay, you are resigned to this behavior for, nearly certainly, the rest of your time with him - And with his abusive behaviors, there is no telling if he takes your life, or one of your children's. He is impulsive and rageful. You and the girls deserve better.

 

What about your family or friends? Do they know about this? Can they help you?

[calista]

Well my parents live in the states . The rest of the family lives far away in another town. During our relationship I´ve isolated myself cause he has taken up every minute of every day of my life. I´m starting to getting in touch with friends again but I don´t have any really close ones. I work as an actress/model/ballet dancer so my income is so and so at times. My baby is only 11 months old and here we don´t have child care before the age of 15 months before that you get 80 % of your income as a mommy/daddy salary every month so you can stay home with your baby. On my salary that is not much so I live very tight economically but we get by me and the girls.

[Cheetarah]

Calista, does any part of you want to leave? You say you know he can't have a healthy relationship. But do you WANT to go? Forget the if he gets help/if things change thing, because we see this and it's not changing. Do you want to leave him? Do you want freedom?

 

What do you think would happen if you would? Both from a logical and emotional perspective.

[calista]

I do know I don´t want to feel like this. I wish every day I will have no feelings for him left. I wish I had never met him. I hate that he is the one I´ve felt so connected with. I would love to leave the country and never see him again. Having the baby with him had made it worse now I HAVE to see him the rest of my life and I am so heart broken that when I leave I never want to see him again so I can heal. I don´t think he will ever let me heal and I don´t know how to.