Apology letter to his mom? Good or Bad idea?

[lostsoul22]

Here's what happened:

He immediately stopped talking to me right after he broke up. Never answered call, nor replied to any email. I was leaving town in less than a week. 3rd day into the breakup, I went over and we talked. He told me about a few 'issues' to which I said I'll work on them and he let me know he will rethink his decision. The next day, when I called he said he wanted to stick to his decision and I told him that I'm coming over and we could talk and work it through. I went over, he wasn't upset or anything. When asked what was bothering him, his reasonings changed every few mins. I was confused. He also let me know that he was confused. Finally, he told me 'I love you, you make me so happy and there is nothing that I want than for this to work out between us, and I'll confirm this tomm.'. I took that as a good thing and left with a lot of hope. The next day, I call - no one pics up. He doesn't live too far, so I thought I'd go and check up on him. His mother told me he wasn't home and asked me to leave. Once back, there was a short email from him sent very recently in which he said 'changed as a person' and is cutting off all communication. Need less to say, stupidly, I went there again believing 'oh! we were so close to getting back together yesterday..maybe if I try again and help him through because he's so confused then we can be back together for good again'. - WRONG! I KNOW! I went there yet again and his mother told me 'can you please leave my property', to which I said 'I can wait outside for him to come speak to me'. And I litterally just sat there waiting accross the street because I was so sure that he would atleast come speak to me - AGAIN I KNOW-WRONG! But I was so scared that I might just never get to see/speak to him again esp. with leaving town in less than a week. His mother came out and said things along the lines of 'go home and speak to your sister-she understands', and 'take your grief somewhere else' and 'I know exactly where you live, I will come down and create a scene there' and 'he's been trying to tell you since monday (4 days - out from which 2 days there was no communication at all) and all you do is 'please,please,please,please'. I left and immediately sent an email to him apolosizing for my behaviour and told him that I was just so confused and vulnerable that I wasn't sure of how to behave and act and recognize that my behaviour was wrong. I never called his house nor ever showed up again.

This all happened 6 months ago.

 

This whole incident has left me looking pathetic, unattractive, with zero dignity left etc. I no longer feel like that confident medical student that I originally was. I lost all my self-respect. I truly and absolutely regret my behaviour and wish I never had acted so impulsively.

I was thinking of asking my sister to leave a bag of his belonging and a letter on his front porch. The letter - a short note for his mother apolozising for my behaviour. Is this a good or a bad idea?

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

I really feel for you, lostsoul. Most dumpees will engage in some sort of desperate behaviour after a break up, it's normal. I can't think of anything worse than your boyfriend's mother asking you to leave her property! Twice! Where you found the energy to go back to her house the second time I'll never understand. She doesn't sound like a very good person, kinda reminds me of my ex's mother. That she feels the need to get involved with what's going on with you and your ex is a sign she's not dignified. He's also callous and not worth your time for allowing his mother to speak to you that way.

 

That said, you HAVE to stop that and walk away with the only dignity you've got left. You've done enough damage to your dignity, just walk away now. Quietly.

 

I wouldn't write to her, and neither would I bother arranging to drop off his belongings to his mother's place. If he needs his stuff, he knows how to contact you for them. DO NOT DO IT. She does not deserve an apology. Neither does he. Apologise to yourself for being so needy and desperate and forgive yourself.

[Cheetarah]

No, don't engage his mother. I know you feel badly, but it's only going to reinforce her ideas of you(whether they're founded or not), and who knows what she will do if you contact them? It could get ugly - I'm talking stalking stuff, police, who really knows? It's a good idea in theory, bad in practice.

 

Like Kat says, forgive yourself - You need all the energy you have right now for yourself, to self-love and nurture and get back in a good place, emotionally and mentally. That's in the past. Leave it there. You don't need anyone's forgiveness but your own in order to move forward.

[wilyone 11]

Definitely don't send a letter to his mom for this minor incident that happened 6 months ago. She's probably forgotten about it by now and you'll just remind her of the whole scene. You did nothing wrong really. Her son was sending you a ton of mixed signals but don't ever show up at a guy's house uninvited.

[lostsoul22]

I sent in a small email to him a while back telling him I should have respected his decision and telling him that I'm sorry about the annoyance that I caused. I haven't attempted any contact after that.

 

But, have I done too much damage already? Is this considered a messy breakup? Even if he were to one day regret his decision, he won't change his mind considering I didn't respect his space to begin with? or that he would remember me as a pathetic ex?

[chitown9]

.

 

But, have I done too much damage already? Is this considered a messy breakup? Even if he were to one day regret his decision, he won't change his mind considering I didn't respect his space to begin with? or that he would remember me as a pathetic ex?

 

I would not go forward from here with the thought that he is coming back. Let this one go. You will find another one.

[Ariel85]

DEFINITELY don't contact his Mom. 6 months after the breakup, you will only look even more chick crazy.

 

And FWIW, I don't think you were ever close to getting back together. I think he said that to you in exasperation to get you to leave, since you were stalking. For his Mom to talk to you as she did shows that he was probably complaining about you for a while, and she knew he wanted out.

 

Just let it go. You learned from this, so stick with that.

[chitown9]

Don't contact him or his mom. Let this one go. There will be another one...trust me.

[lostsoul22]

DEFINITELY don't contact his Mom. 6 months after the breakup, you will only look even more chick crazy.

 

And FWIW, I don't think you were ever close to getting back together. I think he said that to you in exasperation to get you to leave, since you were stalking. For his Mom to talk to you as she did shows that he was probably complaining about you for a while, and she knew he wanted out.

 

Just let it go. You learned from this, so stick with that.

 

 

I only got to speak to him twice after the breakup and that also 3 days into the breakup. The break-up left me in a lot of shock, because he sped away immediately before I could even say anything. He just disappered and I didn't even know what happened. In those 3 days, I attemped only 'one' phone call each day. Those were the hardest 3 days of my life. I had no one to speak too, because I lost all my friends during our relationship. He never even attemped to reply back to any emails letting me know what had happened. It was torture.

To this day, I struggle with this. I know the dumper owes the dumpee nothing. But, processing a breakup is difficult and takes a while. Him going back and forth with his decision was leaving me really confused. I questioned him if his feelings for me or the relationship had changed. He said 'no'. He blamed me for things like not going 'ice skating' the previous week. From what I saw, his decision was out of frustration about certain 'issues' rather than lack of feelings. I just wanted to convince him that I would work on those issues since some were minor things. Some consistency on his part would have made it easier for me.

 

Also, he's done this after too. He messaged me online and told me he'd there as a friend to listen too, answer questions etc. and I accepted that. No way did I in any way ask for him back during that conversation. I did have a few genuine questions. The next attempt I made to contact him was more than a week after. He never replied nor talked to me online. I was chrushed.

For me, in just a span of weeks, it was rejection after rejection after rejection.

[lostsoul22]

I cannot help but wonder, did I deserve this sort of a treatment?

Part of me believes yes - because I was bothering him, and it had been 2 days. But, idk. It hurt and still does.

[Mellie]

Bad idea. Terrible. What do you want to do that for? Stop beating yourself up. For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like any of you dealt with the situation particularly well. He sounds like a coward and she just sounds like a cow. I don't think you owe anyone anything TBH. Let yourself off the hook.

 

I wouldn't deliver his stuff for him either. I would communicate with him - send an email giving him the option to collect it from your yard or you're taking it to the charity shop. You don't want this stuff hanging around doing your head it.

[lostsoul22]

I feel like I messed up. It's all my fault. I should have remained more calm and not have been such a pathetic dumb fool. What was I thinking?

[Edmund Exley]

You need to stop dwelling on this incident. It wont allow you to move on.

[Doofus]

I know you're looking for some answers. IfWhat did he say the issues were? Did you ask your sister, as the mom suggested?

 

You should know, though, that dumpers themselves don't always know why they end a relationship. And, and this is on the face of it going to sound ridiculous, but don't take this personally. The world, especially the part having to do with romantic relationships, is not the meritocracy you might imagine it to be. Don't let this affect your self-esteem.

[lostsoul22]

I asked my sister and she had no idea. He pointed out how I showed up late to his house one day previous week, or not having had spent christmas with him (although, I wasn't formally invited + my parents only got christmas day and after off for the holidays and I had a nephew coming over). When he brought these up, I never defended myself and took all the blame and said I would work on making him happier. I asked him 3 questions 1) Have your feelings for me or the relationship change? 2) Are you no longer finding yourself being attracted to me? 3) Are you finding yourself being attracted to someone else? - but he rejected these as possible issues.

It many ways it's easier being told that his feelings changed than to be told we were breaking up over miscommunication and fixable issues.

The day he broke up with me, he immediately sped off while I stood there and watched him take off. It took me 3 days to get in touch with him.

Honestly, most of the 'isssues' were just what seemed like were huge miscommunication. He agreed that we could make it work but needed a Dr.phil. When I was able to communicate with him, I could see him actually starting to analyze and agree with me about certain things.

I believed that if we were able to communicate well, we could have easily saved our relationship but he was cutting off all communication inc. email and I panicked. I wasn't thinking clearly and did what I did - although this is no excuse.

I wish this whole breakup could have remained a personal thing between him and I, but it wasn't. When I sat there waiting for him, I honestly believed that he would have come out and talked since he knew I was already leaving in less than a week. Of course, I wasn't thinking rationally.

But, now, I can't seem to get over what I did. I feel as though I came accross as looking crazy. How could I go easy on myself when I feel as though I lost all my dignity by making that stupid move that I did.

[Doofus]

Are you sure that's what's bothering you?

If so, forget about it. Really. Most everyone has done something at least this bad in their past. I once caught my then gf making out with a guy at a bar. I started screaming at her, and eventually broke down in tears. I sobbed uncontrollably while about 100 people looked on. Eventually one of them walked me out of the bar. That was embarrassing.

 

And it does sound as if he broke up with you because he believed something to be true which was not. Maybe he thought you were cheating on him? If not, then he sounds kind of psycho. You're better off.

[Mellie]

Maybe his mom told him he wasn't allowed to. You have to admit, he does sound like a bit of a wet lettuce. And what's with her too? If my brother's girlfriend turned up at our house after he'd dumped her, my mom would have made him (a) deal with it (b) deal with it or © (see where I'm going). Not told her to remove herself from the property forthwith and proceeded to be a total cow. You're blaming yourself for eeeeeeeeeeeverything - somehow if it was all your fault, maybe you can fix it? Honey, some people in life are just ass clowns. You need to recognise that and let go.

[abitbroken]

Another vote for not contacting mom. I am really surprised at the mom's behavior. You would think, as long as you never fistfighted with her son, that, she would say "I know its hard, honey, but Bobby Joe is not coming out. I am sorry for how things turned out. You are a nice girl, but he just made up his mind and there is nothing I can do. Why don't you go home. You might feel better" - in other words sort of be above the situation. But that's not what you got.

 

btw, as far as Christmas goes, if you are a couple and not 14 years old, you really should bring Christmas up as in what are WE doing as a couple. If you both mutually decide to do Christmas separate, that's one thing, but don't just not show/not talk about it/wait for an invite. It kinda makes the family wonder where the boyfriend/girlfriend is. If you are a steady/boyfriend girlfriend it should be assumed you are doing something together, whether it means that he is by your side for your family Christmas and vice versa or you both spend time with your families separate and then he comes by later for dessert to meet your nephew or vice versa. It is really strange unless you have been only dating 2 months to just assume you didn't get an invite and you are waiting for one.