Funny Update: So I guess the grass isn't greener...

[lulu87]

So my ex broke up with my just shy of a month ago. He is 22, I'm 24. He said he didn't love me anymore, that he felt he could love a different girl more than he loved me, that he was feeling attraction to others (duh...everyone does, lets not pretend we can only find our SO attractive out of all the people in the world). He basically came down with GIGS after 2 years together, and took the opportunity of us moving away from school for the summer to break up. I wrote him an email laying out how I feel about the situation and that was the last contact I made with him. We had been NC for at least 2 weeks now.

 

I went to log into my email, and his login info was saved and I guess I accidentally clicked it, and I was in his email. The first email in the inbox was "Thank you for your CitySex membership!" Ummm excuse me? So I look up link removed. It is basically a scam personals website that claims to be local women looking for sex, but the pictures of the women are clearly stolen from webcams. The site also has loads of popups. Let's be real right now, he must be pretty gullible. But the principle is the point here.

 

This just reeks of desperation to me. My ex thought he was going to be a player and pick up all kinds of chicks, well obviously that isn't working out for him. I on the other hand, have been asked out at least ten times in the month we have been BU. I am probably one of the most, if not the most attractive girl he will be with. My rude/callous friends used to feel the need to tell me I was too good looking for him while we were together. I think he made a real mistake in thinking he could do better (and not just based on looks), but he has made his bed.

 

The main point I am making here, is that I am now disgusted by him. Seeing that he is that sleazy really helps me get over him and not want him back. I am grossed out by him now, and I feel like I need to go get an STD check just to be sure I'm okay.

 

And you think you know somebody!

[Zuri]

Eeeewww. Definitely his loss then. I'm trying to get to a point in which I don't think my ex is attractive anymore. I doubt if that will happen. I'm hoping, though. My ex broke up with me for the same reason. I could tell he wanted to be single. I felt that. Oh well. Sucks for me since I adored him. I hope he's not having much luck. lol!!!! Glad to hear that you are doing well.

[DN]

Well, he may be a member of some sort of sex site but hopefully he isn't spying in your e-mail. I think you should reach for a higher ethical and moral position that your present one and tell him he should change his password in case you 'accidentally' do it again.

[lulu87]

I just deleted it from my saved passwords. I don't actually know what it is, it was just saved there as some black dots. I changed my passwords immediately after the BU anyway.

[hausser]

lol god I can imagine your shock seeing that.

[lulu87]

Yeah haha. I'm pretty grossed out. It seems like a desperate thing for him to do as well. Obviously his fantasy single life of picking up girls at the bar and parties isn't working out like he anticipated, so for that I feel a little smug. But it is pretty gross, I mean its one step above finding an escort in my opinion. Lord knows where those people have been...

[Mustachio]

Yea I really dont like either side of this story.

 

As far as I can tell, he was honest with you about why he broke things off. Regardless of whether he expected to be out having sex with everyone he sees or not, you shouldnt have gone into his email. He obviously isnt the guy thought he was, but I doubt that seeing this one thing is really going to make any real difference in your healing.

 

I hope this gives you some closure, but I highly doubt you "accidentally" logged into his account regardless of whether the password was saved or not. Good for you for deleting the saved passwords, but be honest with yourself. And this sounds like you are grasping at whatever you can. 2 weeks of NC is not enough time to get over things, just accept where you are in your healing process and continue going forward.

[AutumnBorn]

Crazy, stupid love makes us do crazy, stupid things. No matter how we try to justify or excuse our behavior (accident, uncontrollable impulse, just curiosity), too often we demean ourselves as much or more than our exes ever did. We check their cell phones, emails, Facebook, cameras for hints and clues as to why we weren't enough, what went wrong. The answers, if they come at all, rarely seem to give relief and just create more questions.

 

When you think about it, it's like our exes have decided they'd rather have anybody else or be alone than to be with us. They've taken a gamble because the unknown, or worse one person in particular, has more appeal to them than we do. We try to salvage our pride by finding ways we're superior to our potential or imaginary replacement or say our ex could never find anyone as attractive or smart or successful or loving or good for him or her or whatever as we are only to realize they aren't looking for someone more, just someone better suited for him or her in particular.

 

The fact is, we've been rejected, just as we are, and the only thing it means is we weren't the right person for our exes. Maybe we're too flawed, too human, too shallow, too deep, too insecure, too independent. Doesn't matter. We can't change the core of who we are any more than we can sprout wings and fly. What we can change is our behavior. We can maintain our dignity.

 

Good for you, Lulu, for deleting the password. I don't know that I would have had the strength to do it when I was as fresh from my divorce as you are from your break-up had I known my ex's password or if it had been stored in my computer. And shame on you for expecting us to believe a story of accidentally signing in and reading someone else's email - remembered passwords fill in when the user name is typed in. User names don't fill themselves in until someone starts typing them. It's the first level of security. This is an anonymous forum and most of us have been where you were, searching for clues, giving into our curiosity. If you can't be honest here with us, there's no place you'll ever feel comfortable being honest in your motives. (In my craziest days, I actually thought about buying a keystroke recording hardware device to put on his computer. Thank God I dismissed it as too crazy and low.)

 

The point is, you may think his future girlfriend will never be as attractive as you are, but love has a soft focus. It's only what he sees, thinks, or feels that matters when he does find someone else and who can explain it? One day you'll find a man who will see past your pretty face and love you in spite of how attractive you are. Your ex has done you a great service.

[lulu87]

Thanks for accusing me of lying. He used my computer all the time, and hence it was saved there. This is a school email network, not gmail or anything like that. You just click the space to login and it populates the saved name, and his is first alphabetically and I guess I hit enter on his without noticing. I didn't open the email. I just saw the name of the website in his inbox. I logged out and deleted the passwords etc, so that no longer is there. I don't need the temptation to be reading his stuff. I unfriended him on facebook immediately after the breakup as well. I changed my passwords, but apparently he didn't.

 

Yeah, clearly I understand the dynamics of the breakup, and I don't need to be patronized. You don't know how he treated me or what kind of person he really is, so please don't judge or jump to conclusions about my character or motivations. This information basically confirms my suspicions about him and his character, because I always had a nagging feeling he was somewhat deviant and not worth trusting completely. I used to find weird sites and inappropriate activity in my computer history (why he used my computer to look at porn and other strange things is beyond me, he has his own laptop...)

 

The breakup was a month ago, not two weeks ago, and we only talked once afterwards about the exchange of items. I haven't attempted to contact him and I am not grasping at straws or anything like that. I am not interested in getting back with him, because he is a mean and self-centered person.

 

Clearly I am not "over it" in the sense that I have forgotten our relationship, but I don't have any desire to be with him anymore, and he knows this. He basically lied to me about our relationship status and treated me like warmed over crap for the last 6 months, and I am relieved if anything that I don't have to be subjected to that treatment anymore. He literally used me for sex and to basically get him through college by getting me to "help" with his schoolwork (i.e. do it for him) and keep him off drinking and weed. He conned me into paying for a cruise up front for him, and then never paid me back. He can really be a piece of work.

He is the kind of person who can callously hurt someone and use them outright, and not feel one bit of remorse for it. No matter what shady thing he does, he manages to justify it to himself.

 

I can see now that he did me a service by letting me go, because I am getting a lot of attention from men and I realize that there are much nicer guys out there. I am not really ready to start dating again, because I don't want to end up using someone as a rebound.

 

I was under the impression that I was not worth anything because of how he treated me. That relationship really lowered my self esteem and I am finally seeing that I am worth more than that. He is a user and a good actor, and that probably won't change in any of his relationships, because he was the same way with other people, including his best friends, as well.

 

I just wanted to share this discovery with somebody, because who else am I going to tell, my mom? I'm not going to put him on blast with people that actually know him. I just wanted to vent that anonymously.

 

I wasn't asking for a lecture on ethics. I am human and I am going to feel how I am going to feel about this. We can't all be zen after a breakup.

[AutumnBorn]

Lulu....I simply asked you to not insult the intelligence of others. Did you not intentionally open the message and read it, then follow up by checking out the sight? That was no accident.

 

I wasn't talking about the dynamics of your break-up, but break-ups in general. There was no lecturing in my message. I wrote that you weren't alone, that we've all been there, used the pronouns "we" (human beings) and "I" more than "you". It's called empathizing, not patronizing. Re-read it with a softer internal voice. It's hard to read tone in electronic media, hence the need for emoticons, which I find about as sophisticated as a hospital gown and rarely use.

 

Enjoy your weekend...

[allsunny]

some guys... even guys who are dating or in relationships have "secret" personal accounts. So, even thought it seems desperate, it doesn't mean he is. Maybe that's what he wants to do. Date all and every kind of women. It doesn't seem romantic and sweet, but some guys want to flirt or even test the waters. He probably isn't looking for a serious relationship, and he's looking for those kind of women right now.

 

It really shouldn't matter what he does with his life right now. You are free to do whatever you want with yours too. Of course, you probably wouldn't have one night stands with random strangers every night, but you're no longer his and he's no longer yours. Don't check up on him again, because... who cares right?