Am I being overly Jealous?

[Mystery1221]

Ok so me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years and we love eachother more than anything, were great together there's just one thing, he and his ex are best friends. And everytime we talk about it we never come to a conclusion on what to do because I tell him that it hurts me and I don't feel comfortable with it and he just assures me that he loves me and him and his ex are different people then when they were together. And I would feel bad if he lost a friend because of me so i haven't told him to stop talking to her but for some reason it kills me inside when were together. What should we do?

[Mystery1221]

*there not were

[Cheetarah]

Does he hide things from you? Lie? Does his persona change around her(like he lights up like a christmas tree, etc)? No longer confide in you? Doesn't support you?

 

If he's not giving you a reason to worry and he's open and honest, then you're going to have to go out on a limb and trust him, if you want this relationship to go somewhere. Nothing quite kills a relationship faster than raging unfounded jealousy and insecurity.

[april15]

If all of their interaction is appropriate, and there is no more than friend history, then you need to try to come to grips with your insecurity. That said, all my friends outside of work are male. I would limit contact with any female if it made my wife more at ease. Does he need to lose a friend or could he just adjust their time together to make it obvious he has chosen you as his SO?

[OptomisticGirl]

If they do nothing out of line yes, you are over reacting. I wouldn't be comfortable at first if my fiancé was best friends with his ex but there comes a time were it becomes about do you trust him or not. If you can't trust him then don't be with him.

[LoveSoDeep]

I agree with the others here if thier interaction is purely platonic then you need to come to tearms with your insecurity. You said he's been with you for 2 years I think it's clear he with you he's had plenty of time to go back to her if that's what either of them wanted.

 

I'm good friends with many of my exes and the ones whos new gfs can't cope....well it ends up driving a wedge between them until it ulimately ends things. So if you want this realtionship to work for you, then you need to find a way to trust that they are just friends.

[Mystery1221]

@Mintiya

he does seem to act a little differnt when she's around, and also there's the fact that they have so much history and have helped eachother through hard times and really opned up with eachother. And I'm not as much of an open book and I try to be open with him but I'm just not good at expressing my feelings sometimes and this really upsets him sometimes and he's gotten mad at me for it.

[Mystery1221]

@april15

you said you would limit your time With other females to make your wife more comfortable, and he is not willing to do that, it seems like he does not think of my feelings that way. But thank you everyone I will try to get a grip on my insecurity..

[iirawrz]

i am having about the same problem...is it normal for my bf to always be in need to tell his exes what is going on in his life and them telling him whats going on in theirs? he is really close to two of his exes cuz he used to live with them in the past. also he has this health probem and he is always making it seem so important taht his exes know whats going on with that and it makes me feel like i am not enough. also i dont like that he exaggerates and says that i dont like talking to anyhitng with a vagina when i try to adress the issue because thats not it at all. he makes it seem like his exes are too important to him and then theres the fact that he has one chick friend who is a stripper and this girl that he used to be interested in that one tiem i saw on fb he kept messaging her telling her how he likes talking to her and stuff idk what to do i have a thread on here that tells the story a little bit better

[april15]

Different people need different levels of connection. I have an ex who drew the line in a different place than I. That is why she is an ex. And yes I did try to communicate and comprimise but in my book more alone time with a member of the opposite sex than for your so is too much. For me I need to be the #1 man and really any private alone time with another man at his house or hotel is too much.

 

Just communicating in public is ok for me as long as I am not being constantly demoted or there is an emotional affair going on. Look at yourself first, what are you doing to contribute to the situation? Are you overly needy? Are you neglecting their emotional or physical needs? Do you have the connection, the intimacy? Have an honest conversation with the so, find out their needs, their level of intimacy and express yours. Then you will be able to move forward in a meaningful way.

[wicked6018]

i, too, would be jealous. i really don't think it is a good idea to continue friendships with an ex, unless it was a brief relationship and they had been JUST FRIENDS for long before he started dating you. there is a lot that needs to be taken into consideration in this situation: how does his ex treat you? is she friendly toward you? do they text/facebook a lot? talk on the phone? etc.? honestly, i would be jealous too, like i said. I think it is a BAD idea to pursue relationships with people of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship, especially to pursue friendship with an ex.

[Mystery1221]

One more thing...you all said I have nothing to worry about if there acting appopriate, well my boyfriend invited me to hangout with him and some of his friends, including his ex, and the whole time she would grab him and talk to him and would not even look at me or say hi, that did bother me a little bit, and they recently got back from a mission trip with our school that I did not go on and the whole trip they were by each others side laughing and hugging,

[Adele]

Everyone will feel differently about what they can handle in this type of situation. I personally would not tolerate someone I had been with for 2 years hanging out with or having excessive contact with an ex. The occasional hello or occasional "how have you been?" chat is fine... but in my book (notice I said MY book, not necessarily yours) if someone wants to be with me long term they will respect me enough not to put me in an uncomfortable situation like that. I would always do that for them because I respect their feelings. Even if I did want to be friends with an ex, even in a platonic way, this would make most people I would date uncomfortable. I'm not going to damage a future relationship for one that didn't work. Of course I am incredibly jaded and do not believe one can be "just friends" with an ex or close friends with a member of the opposite sex without all hell breaking loose. Perhaps you shouldn't pay attention to what I say.

 

But you need to think about where you believe his priorities are. Does he not realize how much this bothers you? Why does he not put your feelings first? And what's with this "laughing and hugging" stuff? She doesn't say hi to you? She is competing with you and he doesn't notice or doesn't care. he's falling into it. If I wanted to be just friends with an ex and he had a girlfriend I would be SO very nice to her to show I was not a threat. She should be trying to be your friend too.

[katycloud]

I agree with that everybody else has said about if their relationship is truly platonic then you just have to come to terms with it - unless he's showing suspicious behaviour such as lying, or spending TOO much time with her, etc. HOWEVER, that being said, I think if I were in your situation I would be jealous too... and I don't think it could be something thay I could help. I know lots of people who are friends with their exes and know that their relationships are truly platonic. I myself know that "ex" relationships can be plutonic because I am friends with one of my exes and I feel absolutely nothing for him apart from friendship. But like I said, as much as I would try to come to terms with the friendship, I think I would be jealous too Have you ever spoken to him about how it bothers you? If so, what did he say? And DOES he display any suspicious behaviour which would justifiably make you jealous?