One little picture is enough to make you sick to your stomach- i can't take this

[deavyin]

You all know my story (coworker left for captain of soccer team).

 

It's been hard to deal with; very hard. I asked her to lock down her facebook page a few weeks ago because she started posting pics of the new guy and I was having trouble not checking her page. Thankfully none of the pics were of the two of them and so, until today, I never saw a pic of either of them touching one another.

 

Well, that has all changed now and I feel sick to my stomach.

 

A little background: We live in the DC area. Her parents are retired in florida and a couple weeks ago hosted a charity golf tournament where they lived. She told me about the tournament while we were together and we planned on going with one another (which meant I would have met her parents). I was stoked and it was for a great cause (the foundation she is part of). She left me a couple months before the tournament for this new guy. When the tournament happened we were trying to do the whole "let's be friends" thing which obviously didn't work out. She was out of work for 4 days to go down for the tournament. I convinced myself that she was going alone. They had only been together for less than 2 months and that was too soon to introduce him to the parents...right? WRONG.

 

So...today there is an email sent to everyone in corporate on the success of the charity event (she had sent out an email previously looking for donations so of course she would send a "thank you all who contributed" email). In it was a link to the foundations page on the event. I assumed it would just be on how successful it was an have a couple quotes or something. Wrong again!!!

 

Right there on the page was a horrible picture

 

there she is with her dad on one side and the new guy right on the other, both with their arms around her,... I don't know why I clicked the link. I should have just deleted the email. The week she was at the event I checked the page and the pics weren't there. I assumed they wouldn't be there now but they must have posted them after the event ended. Out of the hundreds of people who were at the event the ONLY pic is of her and the new guy with his arm around her.

 

I never wanted to see a picture of them touching one another.

 

The one thing I dreaded seeing. I did everything in my power to keep away from an image like that. I even went to the drastic step of asking HER to lock down her page (which was previously open) so I couldn't see that.

 

I remember what it was like with my big ex who left me for my best friend. I didn't know for a year that they had a picasaweb album where they posted hundreds of pics of them together. I only found out one day when I was checking out a mutual friends album and he had posted up pics of the two of them visiting him and his girlfriend. He tagged them in the pics and I stupidly clicked on their names which led me to their album. I saw hundreds of pics of them together. Kissing, hugging, getting out of the shower together (no nudity). Visiting each other's family, setting up for christmas...it churned my stomach.

 

God, I don't know how to deal with the rest of the day. I have gone completely manic and all I want to do is go home and get tore up.

[Eocsor]

Deavyin, it's not her responsibilty to make sure you don't see things, it's yours. You shouldn't be asking her to lock down her facebook page so you can't see things, that just comes accross as desperate. Why look at anything from her non work related like a charity golf tournament? Just delete it. You need to take some control of and responsibility for your life.

 

I understand how hard it is to see them, but her life is moving on. Yours needs to as well.

[Carus]

If you can go home and get tore up, then you should....

 

I remember in the dark days I would go to work and tell myself "Just 5 hours and then I can get home again"....So while we're at work we are forced to strengthen our resolve, but it's also important to let it out mate*

 

Then, it will pass again like any other bump in the road you will come accross on your journey out....

 

Otherwise, you're doin' great mate....When you're going through Hell....Keep Going!

 

Carus* 8-)

[deavyin]

I didn't expect there would be pics on the page. It's the foundations website and I donated to the tournament (while we were together). I still think it's a good cause and so I was interested in seeing how it went. I couldn't have known there would be a pic of the two of them together on the page.

 

as for the facebook thing. Desperate or not it was the right thing to do. Believe me: if I hadn't asked her to do it i'd be in a much worse place than I am right now. I don't have a lot of self control for this kind of thing. It's hard when you see the person daily. On the weekends I don't have an urge to look up info on her. The second I run into her at work all my self control goes out the window and I start to obsess and want to know anything about her life. If I had access to her page (and she posts on it daily and puts up a lot of pics) then i'd be in a world of * * * * right now.

 

Sometimes drastic steps are necessary when it's obvious you can't control yourself.

[deavyin]

Thanks for being understanding Carus.

 

I didn't see this information out. I really didn't want to see it and I couldn't have expected that I would.

 

I plan on getting massively messed up tonight (alcohol). This is a bump in the road for sure and it's one I've had to experience before. It will pass and I'll definitely not look at it again. Just hate that it's there and a single click away. I wish I had the self control other people have. I don't and I never have.

 

Again, it all goes back to my tourettes. I'm an ocd person...it's not easy for me to control my impulses. I try though, as much as I am able.

 

I'll calm down...I just saw the pic less than 30 minutes ago so obviously i'm affected by it right now. It's not something I ever wanted to see and god does it make me sick to my stomach.

[happyfrank]

Relax.. Go to the gym and take the anger on the weights. In a few months you will forget about this experience.

[deavyin]

I'm trying to relax. It was just a shock. A HUGE shock to my system. Not only is it a pic of the two of them together, but it shows that she has already introduced him to her parents and that just sucks because it shows how serious things are (which I know they are). I mean, they weren't even together for 2 months when this happened.

 

It just hurts to see how quickly she has moved on and how completely. Already going on trips with him (it's 15+ hours from where we live) for days at a time (4 days) and introducing him to her family. She never even told her family about me. I could meet them tomorrow and they'd have no clue who I was or what their daughter did to me. It's horrible.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with you, Carus, provided that "getting tore up" isn't a euphemism for "getting drunk." Maybe it's not (I'm 40, and maybe I'm not up on the younger folks' lingo these days), but that was the first thing I thought of!

 

Definitely, things like this need to be taken in small increments at at time. Often hour by hour, and sometimes, even minute by minute.

 

 

 

If you can go home and get tore up, then you should....

 

I remember in the dark days I would go to work and tell myself "Just 5 hours and then I can get home again"....So while we're at work we are forced to strengthen our resolve, but it's also important to let it out mate*

 

Then, it will pass again like any other bump in the road you will come accross on your journey out....

 

Otherwise, you're doin' great mate....When you're going through Hell....Keep Going!

 

Carus* 8-)

[Carus]

Heh, no Browneyegirl*...I'm 492 years old and tear up to me means cry

 

I certainly do not advocate drowning the sorrows in alcohol. It's a short-term fix that can actually become full blown alcoholism! Also you feel even worse the next day....Yep, it's all still there waiting for you when you wake up. The only way is to face it, feel it and deal with it*

 

And Deavyn*, you say you are OCD, well thats great because the first step toward treating something is knowing and recognizing you have it*

 

Anyway, ride this out mate. Another lesson learned. Another day closer to the sun again for you my friend.

 

This Too Shall Pass*

Carus* 8-)

[deavyin]

it most definitely is.

[browneyedgirl36]

Ok, I'm going to give you a mini-lecture: DON'T GO HOME AND GET DRUNK. Please.

 

Hear me out on this: 1) Consuming massive quantities of alcohol is bad for your body -- your liver, your brain, your heart -- everything. 2) You've been doing so great working out and getting in better shape, and drinking thousands of calories' worth of alcohol is a great way to sabotage that. 3) Alcohol is a VERY temporary solution -- very temporary. You may feel OK for a few hours, but once the high wears off, you will feel like CRAP. Not only will you be hung over, dehydrated, etc., but emotionally, you will feel like crap because the minute you sober up, everything will come flooding back, tenfold. 4) Lastly, and most importantly: Alcohol makes people do dumb things. You admit that your OCD, Tourette's, etc. make it difficult for you to control your impulses. Add alcohol - which profoundly lowers inhibitions and impairs judgement -- into the mix, and it's a recipe for disaster. You could hurt yourself, but more likely, you could end up texting her or e-mailing her or calling her, as you have done in the past when intoxicated.

 

Alcohol is not a coping strategy -- it's self-medicating to deaden your feelings. Once the alcohol wears off, you will feel 100 times worse -- I can guarantee it. And, you could get to the point where you drink more and more to keep in that state of not feeling anything, and the next thing you know, you're an alcoholic. I'm not saying that's going to happen to you, but it very well COULD.

 

I am not unsympathetic. I considered -- many times -- drinking myself into a stupor to deaden the pain when my ex went back to his previous ex. I had to stop myself, though, because knowing myself and my personality (I tend to turn to food and shopping for comfort) I could see myself becoming dependent on alcohol if I used it to medicate myself. I knew I had NO choice but to feel the pain and work through it. This involved A LOT of crying, sometimes hysterically, in private. It invovled a lot of exercise. It involved doing a lot of tasks that caused me to have to focus -- crafts, fixing things around my apartment, housework, and -- don't laugh -- doing puzzles (Sudoku was particularly helpful, as I am terrible with numbers and had to REALLY concentrate). When I felt like it, I hung out with friends, called people. When I didn't, I went for walks, watched movies (no sappy romance ones), created projects to do to occupy myself. Some days, it was excrutiating -- I could barely force myself to do even the simplest things. On those days, I would do what I could and give myself permission to grieve for awhile before getting up and getting back at it again.

 

My suggestion to you: WORK OUT LIKE CRAZY. When you get home from work, GO TO THE GYM (or, if you don't have a gym membership, do whatever your normal routine is and DOUBLE it. It will boost your endorphins, and while it won't take the pain away, it WILL help you to cope. Make yourself a good dinner (or buy one) -- something healthy. Make a list of everything you need to do -- appointments you need to make, projects you need to get done, where you want to be in six months' time, whatever. Go for a drive -- I used to do this, and it really helped to just get out of the house.

 

Please, please reconsider the alcohol. It's a short term fix that will do nothing to heal you. You can't escape this. You just have to feel it, and you have to find healthy ways to cope with the feelings.

[browneyedgirl36]

You're a wise man, Carus. Your posts are great.

 

I think, though, that he does intend to get really drunk -- he mentions it in a later post. Your advice about that was good (and much less long-winded than mine!)

 

 

 

Heh, no Browneyegirl*...I'm 492 years old and tear up to me means cry

 

I certainly do not advocate drowning the sorrows in alcohol. It's a short-term fix that can actually become full blown alcoholism! Also you feel even worse the next day....Yep, it's all still there waiting for you when you wake up. The only way is to face it, feel it and deal with it*

 

And Deavyn*, you say you are OCD, well thats great because the first step toward treating something is knowing and recognizing you have it*

 

Anyway, ride this out mate. Another lesson learned. Another day closer to the sun again for you my friend.

 

This Too Shall Pass*

Carus* 8-)

[deavyin]

yes, i definitely do.

 

This is tough...I run into her constantly at work (just did a couple minutes ago). It just churns my stomach to see her feet away from me and know that some other guy has his greedy little paws all over her. She treats me like a stranger now too (which I guess is partly my fault). Not like it would matter...she doesn't want to be with me.

 

I just wish I wasn't still so torn up about this. Just a single picture can do this to me. Imagine if she invited him to the company christmas party? Christ, she probably will. I had to go through this before I hate having to do this again. This is the second girl i've developed true feelings for, the second girl I have slept with and the second girl who has left me for another guy...

 

can that be a coincidence? I don't think so.

 

This is so crappy. I drive around in my car all the time. It's not a good thing for me. There have been times where I have been driving around with no destination and the next thing you know i'm in front of her place looking to see if her car is there (at like 2 in the morning). Then I realize "oh my god, i'm a stalker" and I drive home. It's a problem. I don't follow her places or anything. 2 days a week i know exactly where she'll be (soccer games) but I haven't once shown up and like hid in the bushes or anything (though, i've wanted to). I just know i'd see something I don't want to see.

 

I don't know...it's been over 2 and a half months and i'm not feeling much better about it. That's not entirely true, i am feeling better but this was definitely a huge step backwards for me seeing this picture.

[Danny77]

Dude!

You gotta be more careful on the net.

If you think that there is a chance of any pic being anywhere near your browsing or emails.

 

Mate, we are on a similar time line as I remember ur story from my first time on ENA.

I have since blocked my ex Fiancée and it was very hard as it was my only link to her. S**t man it hurt like hell and was super lonely but all for the best.

We would be in the same place if you wouldve just let go earlier man.

 

It must suck to have to work with her but you'll find ways to deal with that.

Make it your life goal to never see pics of her and him

again!!!

Avoid everything that may contain anything!

 

Man I wish you were feeling better.

I am 60-70% better than I was 3 months ago.

I even smile sometimes.

 

No contact was the only reason I survived and blocking her, making sure I put away all the photos!! Engagement party, nights that we thought would last forever, all put away.

At my mothers house.

 

I don't answer or open emails without checking where they came from and possibilities of pictures attached too.

 

Be more careful.

I couldn't imagine seeing a picture of her with another guy.

It would kill me.

 

It's killing you.

[lavenderdove]

Deavyin, have you considered counseling? This is like you are trying so hard to avoid the pain and reality she has someone else, that you are causing yourself MORE pain by trying to run away from that reality.

 

I had someone i was in love with, that i found out had lied to me about his marital status to pretend he was single and available so i would keep seeing him. I stumbled upon pictures that showed them together at family functions and in their home, and was so shocked and hurt about how badly he had lied to me, BUT i forced myself to look at them every day for a while just to make myself accept that that was the reality of the situation, and he was NOT available to me even though he pretended to be (and i was devastated to have to break up with him when i learned that). But i didn't try to run away from it, i just sat with the pain for a while rather than trying to hide from it. Then one day the shock wore off and i finally emotionally accepted the situation, and lost the desire to look and began to move on and put him in the past.

 

So going to a counselor will really teach you coping skills to really accept the loss and the changes rather than trying to hide from them. It's almost like a part of you wants to say, 'if i don't see it, it doesn't exist', but it does. the sooner you accept she is gone and just not available to you, the sooner you will heal, but if you are in a constant war with yourself or obsessing about it, it makes it harder to let go. Therapy will help you sit with the pain and process it, rather than bury it or run away from it.

 

Google thought stopping and start practicing that too... that will help break the obsession and fighting with yourself constantly to avoid thinking about her. You can and WILL survive this, you just need to understand how strong you are rather than cringing and feeling weak and overpowered all the time.

[Eocsor]

It takes time Deavyin, lots of time. You'll take a few steps forward and then a few back. Eventually you'll get there. I know it's hard but hang in and you'll make it.

[deavyin]

I had a single therapy appointment several weeks ago but my follow up isn't until the 11th of this month. After that I am supposed to go every week and I will continue to go.

 

You are completely right, I am doing my best to avoid the situation because the idea that i lost this one to someone else is too much to bare. I tell myself "out of sight out of mind" because I DO NOT want to face the reality of the situation. I want to sit here with my eyes closed, fingers in my ears screaming "nah nah nah" until they break up and I can pretend that it just never happened. I think i would throw up if I forced myself to sit there and look at pics of them together... I can't handle seeing that.

 

It was stupid of me to click on the link. I assumed it was just a harmless link to the foundations page with a blurb or something. I've been to the site before plenty of times ( when we were together) and never saw pics like this. I had been to this specific link befor e(when we were together) and there were no pics up. It was just a couple paragraphs on where the tournament was being held and who was in charge of it (her parents). The only thing that has changed is the pics I imentioned and a link to a news article on the tournament (which also has a couple pics of her and her dad but none of him).

 

I really don't seek this information out. It just fell in my lap and what was I supposed to do? I'm torn up over this girl, I completely fell for her and seeing her daily is an absolute nightmare. My curiosity got the better of me. I haven't seen her facebook page in weeks or even spoken to her (i've spoken AT her but she hasn't said a word to me and won't again). This was just a crack into what she had been up to (and keep in mind, I already knew she was there since she told me).

 

It also sucks because I convinced myself she went alone so I didn't have to sit there for 4 days straight thinking of what they were doing in their hotel room, meeting her parents etc etc... I was really looking forward to going on this trip with her and meeting her parents and being introduced as the new 'guy'. When I saw this picture that entire reality I developed (that she went alone) was ABSOLUTELY destroyed. I was forced to face the real reality that not only did he go with her but that things are serious enough that she was ready to introduce him to her parents. It's crushing...absolutely crushing. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I still feel like this is a dream...that i'll wake up tomorrow and realize this was just a terrible nightmare and she'll be there laying next to me in bed smiling.

 

This is love? This is how this whole game works? If you ask me it's all bull * * * * . I've never really considered myself an existentialist but i'm truly starting to think that I am the only person who truly exists on this planet and my existence is some sick game to a bratty child god who enjoys nothing more than picking the emotional wings off of me and then burning me to death with a magnifying glass. Maybe there is some cosmic balance that needs to be maintained?! In order for 2 people to be married and in love for 50 years straight there has to be some poor schmuck like me who gets his heart trampled on time and time again.

 

Here is another lovely existential thought I had yesterday when i was aimlessly driving around trying to clear my head: every single person I saw as I was driving around has never met her. 99.999999 percent of them will NEVER meet her. None of them care that she even exists. Out of the 6+ billion people in the world she singled ME out at this current time to string along and the break my heart. I am the only person on the entire planet who is heart broken over this girl. I could shake hands with every other person on this planet and not a single one of them would be in the same pain i'm in over this particular girl. This single girl out of 3+ billion women and I am the sole schmuck who can't get her out of my head.

 

Love is a joke...it's a big joke and i'm the punchline.

[Eocsor]

Love is taking a chance. There are no garuntees, no safety net and odds are you will get hurt. If it was easy to find someone to be with sites like this wouldn't abound.

 

But loves the only game in town. The alternative is too depressing. So you play the game, you take your time in the hurt locker, and you get out there and play again. Eventually it works, or not. Thers no promise you end up with someone at the end of the day. All you can do is try. Just like when your favorite team loses in the playoffs, theres always next year, always another chance.

[deavyin]

I appreciate where you are coming from and there was a time I felt the same way. Idon't know if I can view it that way anymore...I think i am honestly too bitter. Every good memory of my big ex has been ruined by the dissolution of our relaitonship. Every fond memory of my best friend (the 10+ years we were best friends) is now colored by the betrayal he perpetuated on me. It's the same way now. God I fell for this girl but when I think of the time we spent together I grow nauseous because I know it's over now, she is now spending that time with someone else AND she doesn't feel that way about me anymore. Hell, that girl who couldn't wait to be in my arms wants NOTHING to do with me now.

 

Is it truly love we are talking about here or is it just biology? I wish there was a pill I could take that would render me incapable of feeling love towards anyone. I think i'd be much happier that way. I'm not a loveable person. The only girl I ever thought truly loved me (because she told me so) devastated me by leaving me for my best friend and even until this day she wants nothing to do with me (not that I want much to do with her or even care about her anymore). She never treated me with love during our relationship either...she treated me like crap yet I held on.

 

I think I have truly been the happiest in my life when I have been single and not looking for love. That's not entirely true...I was happier with this recent girl than i've ever been before but the short time of bliss with her was definitely not worth the pain I am going through and will continue to go through getting over her. At least when i'm single and living the bachelor life I can concentrate at work, eat properly, and enjoy the company of friends...watch movies, read books, go on adventures. It's not until I allow myself to feel something for someone that it all goes to * * * * . It wouldn't be that way if we were penguins. If we fell in love once and mated for life. We don't do that and, unfortunately, there is a sucker born every minute. If this is a gamble then i'm that fool who spends his mortgatge trying to get that one lucky roll that never comes.

 

Love truly is a drug. You are so high when you are with that person but the withdrawal is horrible and it leaves you scarred for life. There is a reason i don't do drugs...the negatives clearly outweight the benefits.

 

I spend a lot of time on these forums reading other peoples stories. It has made me so jaded. I have watched friends on countless times go through horrible break ups. My older brother has gone through one way worse than what i'm dealing with, found his new girl, had twins with her and then she left him just recently and he's crushed. What is the point? The only reason we give a * * * * is because we are biologically programmed to do so. We don't need this anymore. I certainly don't need this anymore.

 

I appreciate what everyone says to me but it all starts to sounds like soft landings. "you go after the wrong type of girl" which doesn't even mean anything. If i'm with someone, we click, never argue, get along well and have everything in common then how is she the wrong girl? Let me guess...because she left me for another guy. I wish I had the foresight to know this would happen. Only then could I go after the 'right' type of girl. Or I get told "the right girl is out there for you". Psh...i've waited 29 years for her to come along. I've done everything I can to go out and find her. I'm not sitting in my mother's basement playing World of warcraft all day wondering why I haven't met her yet. I have friends, I make new friends, I join soccer teams, I take classes, I go to the local bar (which I know a lot of people at) I socialize at work. I have met hundreds of thousands of girls in my life and yet, in 29 years living here, I haven't found the right one yet. Everyone I know who has found the right girl I BET will be broken up with her in the next 5 years. Will she still have been the right girl? I don't know why we keep telling ourselves this nonsense. I just want to find a way to shut it off and not care anymore because only when I care do I hurt. Sociopaths have it so easy.

 

yes, as you can all tell i'm bitter. I have another hour to sit here and stew at work and then i'm going to go to the local bar and forget. I'll be better tomorrow and then better the next day. I'm also upset because I know now that I can't ever be with her again. I am an extremely prideful guy (well, not more so than all guys but prideful none the less). I can forgive almost anything except for this. It's partly why I was pretending that it wasn't happening. I wanted to hold onto hope for us so I didn't allow myself to see them together. Now i've seen it and the reality is there in front of my face. I can't ever be with her again without seeing his grubby little hands all over her. I don't care who she was with before me (and we even had that talk while we were together) it's who she left me for that ruins it for me. Not like that matters...she won't come back.

 

Yes, i'm bitter... I'm tired of opening my heart only to have it ripped out and smashed to bits on rocks. If there is no one on this planet who can truly love me and committ to me then * * * * it...i'll just take myself off of the market and eventually I won't care because this is just getting lame.

 

/rant

[irishgerry]

dude if you do go out and get drunk tonight please please please dont text her or anything. the best thing you can is not text her you know that!

[deavyin]

I have no intentions of texting her and I don't plan on going out and getting blacked out drunk. I'm going to meet up with a few friends, have a few drinks and talk about things. I need to get out of my own head for a while and being around other people is the best for that. I'm not in the mood to drive in traffic over 1.5 hours away to where all my friends live so i'm going to go out with the new people i met recently and they usually hang out around the local bar. I won't be contacting her tonight...I swear that much. I wouldn't have contacted her the other day if it wasn't for the stupid jungle juice and seeing her car. I honestly didn't even remember contacting her until the next day. I never drink like that...stupid 4th of july. What's done is done. Tonight i'm going to be in moderation. I just don't want to be alone tonight whether i'm working out or not...i've had enough fun beating myself up over this today.

[I_Speak_Jive]

Hey deavyin,

 

First: truly deeply sorry that you are having such a bad time right now. Even if it sounds odd, I care about your story and I am committed to you getting over this breakup and come out of it happier and stronger than you ever thought possible. And it is possible -- believe me. I don't post much, but I follow your threads and I empathise with your pain, because I have been there myself twice.

 

Had it all, really: the nausea, the despair, the feeling of being ripped to pieces, the utter and complete pointlessness and futility of it all. The powerlessness. That was all SO awful, and it felt so inevitable -- such an inescapable part of being big loser pathetic unlovable disgusting me.

 

And then I clued in. And now when a love story of mine ends, I feel a bit sad about it but I wish them well and get on with my happy life. And it took nothing more than my own brain to make the switch -- no alcohol binges, or drugs, or spiritual retreats, or celibacy, or hatred, or whatever "normal" people do to get over breakups these days.

 

You come accross as a really great guy -- I have no doubt that if we worked together we would be good friends. You love so much, and your mind seems to work in a pretty awesome way for what I gather. There is depth in you, and you wear your heart on your sleeve. All of which I like a lot.

 

Having said that, I think you should know that you have been acting like a colossal jerk.

 

Don't flag me yet.

 

You are throwing yourself these gigantic pity parties and inviting everyone around -- even if you don't think you are doing that, the invitations are in the mail; what do you think it's like for other people to be around you lately? Imagine caring for someone whose entire sense of worth and happiness is contingent upon some girl. When she's around, dude's ecstatic (even though you probably don't get to see him much anymore, since he is obsessed with getting his self-esteem hits from her and needs constant recharging). When she is gone, dude's a whiny heap of misery hiding away from the world, marinating in alcohol and searching for others to validate how wretched he is.

 

Not pretty. Very frustrating. Kinda pointless.

 

So you have made yourself nothing more than an extension of that little relationship of yours, and now that it's gone you are swimming in that soup you have cooked -- ingredients: she was heartless, she was wrong, her new boyfriend is a douche, she never loved me, I am unlovable, I am not hot enough, what's wrong with me, I cannot handle this, I am OCD, this is so hard, this is just the way I work, everyone else would do the same in my shoes, there is no escape, I am in agony, I need a drink...

 

It's just excuses, rationalisations, complaints and noise. There is ZERO truth to any of it, but here you go again. So she had a golf day with her new guy, took a few pictures, and they touched, and you saw them touching. That's all that happened -- the rest you are making it up from scratch. So she seems really into him. So she was really into you for a while but in a different way, and then her feelings changed and now you two are no longer together. So you would very much have liked to continue having a relationship with her, and you can't have that. That's all there is. The rest is all you.

 

Here is why I think you are making up this huge story of agony, heartbreak and doom. Because you get to 1) be right, and make her wrong (she was horrible! I am unlovable! She lied! She used me! I am a pushover!). 2) Dominate the situation and avoid domination (this is how I deal with heartbreak, you guys! I am entitled to feeling like dying! She owes me!). 3) Justify yourself and invalidate her feelings (I did nothing wrong! Something is deeply wrong with her choices!).

 

You aren't married to your love for her -- that's not really what you are complaining about. You are totally married to these payoffs. You get to be the victim, the good guy, the right one. You get to let go of your inalienable and constant responsibility of making yourself happy. It's someone else's fault.

 

Seriously, what a jerk.

 

The costs of pouring your heart and soul into this little story of yours? Well, love, for starters. Nobody can touch you with a bargepole right now. Vitality and well-being -- here you are, counting the hours until you can go get hammered again. Self-expression (what else have you enjoyed, created, engaged in, since the breakup? not much, I bet). And satisfaction and fulfillment. Overall, you are completely and utterly miserable.

 

Great job.

 

So here is what you can do about it. Quit being a jerk and listen: to her side of the story, to her own point of view of what happened between you. Don't blame, don't whine, just see things for what they are for her. Acknowledge her absolute right to her own feelings, thoughts and decisions -- she is a human, not a doll. And when you feel this story coming up again (the "she left me, oh God it's so awful I can't bear it blah blah blah), tell yourself "thanks for sharing", and continue with your day. Because it's all a big fat lie that you have made up about what happened. You'll have to repeat "thanks for sharing" several hundred times a day at the beginning, but soon it will come down to three times, and then none at all.

 

By letting go of the lie, you get to stop being a jerk and you get all this HUGE new space to be basically awesome. You have all this new time and energy to devote to your fitness, your friends, your career, your hobbies -- whatever the hell you want. It's all out there, yours for the taking. You thank your "dark side" for sharing, wave it aside, and you make up a way better story about you. One that's based on facts and truths and good stuff.

 

It's really that simple. And that rewarding. You make yourself free to love someone to death, and lose them for whatever reason, and still be happy. Now, that's as close to heaven as I have ever gotten.

 

Wanna join?

[lavenderdove]

>>This single girl out of 3+ billion women and I am the sole schmuck who can't get her out of my head.

 

Ah,but therein lies your hope! She is just one girl out of 3billion! There are a billion girls out there waiting to be discovered, so many you can date, and i can guarantee once you process this loss you will find one you love just as much or more!

 

Right now you are just obsessed with her and have totally lost perspective because you made her the center of your world and happiness, and that is not a healthy thing to do because you give away your own power to get happiness for yourself. Therapy will help you get your mojo back and help you see the true perspective, that there are indeed billions of girls out there and if you keep at it, one of them will be right for you. You need to learn resilience, and how to love without losing yourself in the process.

[deavyin]

This probably isn't the place to post this (probably dating when shy) but I realized last night that I am incapable of flirting. I just don't know how to do it. I've read books on it but it doesn't come naturally to me. I think that is partly why I can't get girls interested in me. I come off as a really nice and sweet guy but I have issues pulling the trigger. Both of these girls I have been in any kind of relationship with I have met as friends and things progressed from there. Unfortunately, when I met a new girl who I am not friends with I come off as uninterested because I don't know how to do all the little things. How to flirt, make fun of her (which apparently girls like; obviously flirty making fun of her) break the touch barrier, compliment her...it just feels off to me.

 

Yes, I made this girl the center of my world. I don't know how to get her out of it. She is obviously moved on and with someone new. She never even viewed me as a boyfriend and I think that has hurt my healing even more because it further shattered my ego to know that I was just an F buddy and this new guy is the real deal. When she left and told me all that crap about not being ready to settle and not knowing if she ever would be and how she has issues with committment etc I believed her and thought "ok, this guy will probably last a couple months too...she doesn't know what she wants or what she is doing". I find out that they are boyfriend/girlfriend weeks later and then I find out she introduced him to her parents less than 2 months after we break up...it totally shattered that illusion and made me realize "she knows what she wants...she was just feeding me a line of b.s. She never had feelings for me and I was just a toy to her". Makes you feel so inadequate and makes it really hard to get over her because to me she was so much more.

 

It's * * * * ty but I am doing better.

 

If you guys want to know, I did go out drinking last night. i went to the local bar I go to and was planning on only having 2 beers. Something weird happened though. There is this new bartender girl there. I've said hi to her a couple times but never really talked to her (I know pretty much everyone else who works there). Apparently her boyfriend was there and hitting on some blonde girl at the bar righ tin front of her. He started heavily flirting with her and the bartender dumped his ass right there. She couldn't keep working so she got off early and came over to me and my friend and started telling us the whole story (while she was pounding shots).

 

Apparently he gets drunk, hits on girls and when she calls him on it he calls her a crazy * * * * * and dumps her. She has to literally chase after him and beg him back. She sprained her ankle on the 4th chasing after him during one of these escapades. She gave him an ultimatum that if he ever did it again he'd never hear from her. Well, last night he did it again and she dumped his ass. I ended up buying her a couple shots and listened to her story. So, in total, I had 2 beers and 2 shots then I headed home, watched breaking bad, ate thai food (which did not settle well) and passed out.

 

Not too crazy...and no I did not text or contact this ex in anyway.

[Carus]

Another step forward mate....like me tonight...I will update my thread...

 

Also, at least we're further ahead than that poor barmaid...

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)