About to break up and need some input

[george237]

I have what most people would classify as a perfect relationship. I am dating a woman who was my best friend before we started dating a few years back. We have this amazing connection that most people search for their whole lives. When people see us they say how amazing we are together and how we are a perfect match. There is only one thing wrong with the picture perfect relationship, I want out.

 

I have been battling the urge to run for over 6 months now and I am at the point where I can't fight it anymore. The problem I have with leaving her is that I still want her in my life, I want to be her friend, I still love her in that way and she will not have it. I brought up the idea of going back to just friends as a hypothetical conversation a couple times before and she responded negatively. She wants me how she has me and thats all she will settle for.

 

I really don't know how to do this but I know in my heart it needs to happen. I have started the breakup conversation before and crumbled after she told me she would never speak to me again because of the pain it would cause. I have even stooped as low as getting her angry with me so she would pull the cord. It hurts so much to think that I will not be able to have my best friend. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

[doiiiieeezie]

You can't have it both ways... why do you want out of this relationship anyway?

[confused2012]

You can't have it both ways... why do you want out of this relationship anyway?

 

I second that. As somoene who has been dumped too many times. I wish I understood what goes through the dumpers head. It was the perfect relationship, but you want out? Why is that? To see other people? Lack of comittment? Not exciting to you anymore?

[george237]

You can't have it both ways... why do you want out of this relationship anyway?

 

I feel suffocated, trapped, can't think. I feel like my entire life revolves around a relationship and I am missing out on life experiences trying to play family.

[Cheetarah]

What are you missing out on that you can't experience within the relationship, along with her or on your own? What does "playing family" entail, and how does that prevent you from experiencing life?

[george237]

What are you missing out on that you can't experience within the relationship, along with her or on your own? What does "playing family" entail, and how does that prevent you from experiencing life?

 

I enjoy living in the moment and in a relationship you can't always do that. I'm the type of person that would buy a one way ticket to foreign country, just to see where it takes me. These are things that I miss out on. I don't think I experienced enough out of life.

[tattoobunnie]

Well, classic signs of commitment-phobe: link removed

 

Anyway, cut her loose. Granted, you won't be friends anymore, but why would you care since you get to go live life by the seat of your pants. You won't change. And by cutting her off, it'll give her a chance to go find someone that wants to be with her. Not when it's only convenient for the guy.

[mad rabbits]

Well, classic signs of commitment-phobe: link removed

 

 

Anyway, cut her loose. Granted, you won't be friends anymore, but why would you care since you get to go live life by the seat of your pants. You won't change. And by cutting her off, it'll give her a chance to go find someone that wants to be with her. Not when it's only convenient for the guy.

 

Well this is a little harsh, but maybe worth of exploration... do you think you have commitment issues, meaning you kinda want a relationship but can't commit to one? Or are you just not a relationship type of person? They are actually separate issues. You need to know who you are and what motivates you, before you sign someone up for a relationship with you.

 

A final note, please don't EVER make someone angry so they will break up with you, it is absolutely awful to be on the receiving end of that.

[confused2012]

I enjoy living in the moment and in a relationship you can't always do that. I'm the type of person that would buy a one way ticket to foreign country, just to see where it takes me. These are things that I miss out on. I don't think I experienced enough out of life.

 

Sounds a lot like my ex-fiancee.

[confused2012]

Well, classic signs of commitment-phobe: link removed

 

This article talks about how it relates to men, but this can also happen with women, because it describes my ex very well.

[tattoobunnie]

I don't think it's harsh.

 

He wants to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and that his best friend in the whole world is suffocating him because he can't do whatever he wants, when he wants. Have the relationship whenever he wants. People like that don't change. And instead of actually talking to her about how he feels, during the whole six months, he let it fester until he's about to explode, because he has not learned about to balance a relationship and his individuality. And instead of trying to find ways to learn to balance those things, he wants to run and flee, and still have his cake too.

 

And that's okay. Everyone is allowed to live the life they want.

 

He just needs to realize, when you dump your best friend all because he doesn't want to work with her, and grow the dynamics of the relationship, and blind-side her, the dumpees don't take too kindly to that, even when you're best friends. It just makes it worse.

[Blue Skittles]

Well, then let her go. But you are letting her go permanently out of your life, even as a friend. You will probably look back on it in the future and completely regret your decision, but its your choice.

[Ms Darcy]

George, how much time do you spend with her? I do think you are having commitment issues and that instead of running from the relationship, you should consider getting distance from the relationship and getting therapy to talk it through. If you really want to understand what's going on, recognize that the problem is you and not the relationship.

[george237]

George, how much time do you spend with her? I do think you are having commitment issues and that instead of running from the relationship, you should consider getting distance from the relationship and getting therapy to talk it through. If you really want to understand what's going on, recognize that the problem is you and not the relationship.

 

We have been together for about 2 years, but we have lived together for over 3, we were roommates first. I don't want to go to therapy because I don't think there is anything wrong with what I am feeling. She is always around me, always wants me to be included in her activities, and it's just because she loves me so much. I feel like such an jerk but that is what drives me away. I have talked about this with her which only leaves her getting upset and clinging even more. All my activities she has picked up on and wants to do herself. My gym time has become our gym time, ect.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So it is her clinginess which is suffocating you, not the actual fact of being in a relationship. This kind of clingy, want to be "joined at the hip" is not about love, it is about neediness and insecurity. Needy, insecure people are desperate to be around their partner 24/7 and stop revolve their life and schedule around their partner. I can see why you would want to bolt. She may be a good person but the match is not right for you. I would say it is worth one more shot and talking to her to get her to live more independently. If she gets upset and continues clinging then it would be best if you call it a day even if that means losing her friendship. A relationship should not be a prison.

[george237]

Well, classic signs of commitment-phobe: link removed

 

Anyway, cut her loose. Granted, you won't be friends anymore, but why would you care since you get to go live life by the seat of your pants. You won't change. And by cutting her off, it'll give her a chance to go find someone that wants to be with her. Not when it's only convenient for the guy.

 

 

This website is irrelevant. While I would say that I fall into a few of these categories I would also say that most men that have been with more then a handful of women will as well.

[sada88]

....Are you secretly my ex in disguise? There is nothing more heartbreaking than having your best friend break up with you because he is bored of you and want to go out and try other women. If it is because of her clinginess, then ask for some space. Remember, if you break up with her...and one day you want her back? It isn't going to happen because no one wants to go through the same break up with someone twice over. Good luck. If you want to go out and travel more, approach that idea with her. Either that or go on separate vacations. There are ways to make it work with the wanting to travel around and experience more while being in a relationship. I'm a traveler and my ex hates traveling. We changed that by me just going on vacation by myself but checking in every day with him.

[Eocsor]

Whatever. Do the honorable thing then and tell her to her face that you want to break up. Do it cleanly too, don't try and soften the blow. It won't do her any favors. And don't expect friendship. If she offers it, it's just because she thinks you can be together at some point down the road.

[george237]

So it is her clinginess which is suffocating you, not the actual fact of being in a relationship. This kind of clingy, want to be "joined at the hip" is not about love, it is about neediness and insecurity. Needy, insecure people are desperate to be around their partner 24/7 and stop revolve their life and schedule around their partner. I can see why you would want to bolt. She may be a good person but the match is not right for you. I would say it is worth one more shot and talking to her to get her to live more independently. If she gets upset and continues clinging then it would be best if you call it a day even if that means losing her friendship. A relationship should not be a prison.

 

Your hitting something there. The one thing that was most alluring to her before we dated was her confidence and her independence. She has abandoned many of the activities that once made her so active and alienated her friends that once made her so social and outgoing. I feel like I am her life she needs me to breathe and she's sucking the life out of me.

[tattoobunnie]

Did you talk to her about wanting to break up, and go back to being friends? (Which got her upset...)

 

OR did you actually talk to her about needing space from time to time? Like going on guy's only trips. Having the gym be your time? Making a room in the house a man cave just for you?

 

Hate to break it to you, but the fact that she loves you and wants you to be a part of the life is the worse thing, then please, let her go completely, so she be with someone who can handle the intimacy. It's called growing into a partnership. You are a priority to her.

 

Clingy people are people who need to call you incessantly, don't trust you, have zero life of their own.

 

I think you're now trying to escape from the idea of what you did start with, "I want to leave without notice" and relationships are suffocating because you can't which is pretty much screaming commitment-phobe to now rationalizing that she's suffocating you because you haven't told her that you wanted gym time on your own. Either way, you haven't even begun talking to her about how you're feeling. Instead you're trying to now turn it around and blame her for how you're feeling.

 

All you asked her was "what about going back to being friends" hypothetically. Hypothetically isn't the truth of how your feeling. And considering you can't even get to that level of intimacy of being honest with her who is also your best friend, another giant sign you have personal things you need to work on when it comes to being in a relationship.

 

So please. Stop blaming her and trying to make her sound like a bad guy because you can't handle a partnership.

[george237]

While I would start dating shortly after we break up, I assure you that it doesn't have a card in this hand I'm holding now. I have been with plenty of women and feel satisfied in that aspect. It's more of a freedom thing, living my own life. Ya know?

[tattoobunnie]

This website is irrelevant. While I would say that I fall into a few of these categories I would also say that most men that have been with more then a handful of women will as well.

 

Nope. There are a ton of other men and women who never take on these traits. Either way, a commitment-phobe never recognizes these things about them. It's so ingrained in their being, they think what they do is normal and healthy.

 

It's fine. Instead of looking within yourself, how you can't even make things work with your own best friend in the world, you blame her.

[george237]

If I am making her come accross as a bad person then I'm not getting my thoughts accross correctly, she is a wonderful person. Maybe I should be more direct in bring my issues to the surface with her. You know I have never been one of those people that are afraid of confrontation but when I say something to her and I see her face it kills me. Just telling her that I need to go to the gym by myself is like a dagger in her heart, she feels unwanted and unloved. It hurts to see watch her feel this.

[Cheetarah]

It seems you want "you" time. Which is fine, you should. You should have it, and she should have hers. However, wanting to be up your butt 24/7 is not about "loving you sooooo much" and more about her insecurities with herself and within the relationship.

 

I think it's a natural inclination that us humans make our revolve our partners, especially after time. But that can be dangerous and detrimental to the relationship because sometimes we tend to lose individuality and 'merge'(in a non-healthy way) into our partners.

 

So George - Should both of you set out 'me time', both of you begin to reclaim your hobbies, social activities and interests, regain a level of independence..Can you see a future, romantically, for the two of you with that picture in mind? Do you still see yourself feeling 'suffocated and trapped'?

[tattoobunnie]

Tough independent chicks don't just die in three years. I love how people think girls like that aren't that versatile. Try the honesty part first. Get things off your chest. If she truly is your best friend, and wonderful, she can take the heat! That dagger you see...have you ever considered, it's really just a projection of how you feel? And has nothing to do with her disappointment?

 

If you are her best friend, treat her like one, and just tell her you need some alone time.

 

"Babe, I love you. Once in a while, I would really appreciate getting some me time. I need it, and it helps be clear my head, recharge, etc (whatever it does). I'd really like to start going to A) the gym on my own, B) whatever it is that you want, and it's not a reflection of my love for you. I just know this is important to me."

 

Always keep me mind...badass chicks don't crumble, and always bounce back. No one has the power to make them feel unwanted and unloved. Only you yourself can make yourself feel that way.

 

Needy chicks are always needy to start out with.