Getting over my ex's looks...shallow, I know

[BriMarie]

So I have realized my ex is not the one for me, though I still miss him, despite being treated like crap. As much as I want to get back together, I know it will never work. And I know this because personality and connection are far more important than looks. So, that being said, I am struggling to forget how sexy he is. He is truly the sexiest man alive to me....I compare him to my celebrity crushes, and he is hotter, I compare him to every guy I know or meet, and he is hotter. I don't want to feel this way, I want to see him as the ugly person he has been to me. Any suggestions?

 

And please save the comments that I am immature, shallow, etc. I'm not...this is a real problem I am having. If it were all about looks, I'd get back with him. However, physical attraction is important in a relationship, and I can not hold him at such a pedestal in that area because I want to find the next guy to be better in EVERY way. How do I do that when I feel like he is unbeatable in this area?

[Sparkly Eyes]

With time you'll find other men that seem even more attractive to you and if not, well I guess you just have to live with it. Sucks though, I feel for you.

[lavenderdove]

It means you just haven't met anyone you really click with yet... I think if you really fall in love with someone, even if he isn't exactly 'perfect' as you perceive your ex, he will be more than sufficient to attract you.

 

I was married to a really really attractive man who women just fell all over, but eventually because of his behavior, i got to the point where i couldn't stand for him to kiss or touch me, and no longer found him attractive at all. I later fell in love with someone else who looked very different than he did, and thought the new guy was the hottest guy in the world!

 

So there is no one 'perfect' guy, and perhaps you hadn't stayed with the good looking guy long enough to actually get disgusted with him, but if he treated you terribly, you would eventually get to that point. And the heart is surprisingly able to re-invent what you find attractive when you do meet someone who really you really click with on other levels.

[sada88]

If he betrayed you in a horrifically bad manner, trust me, you'll lose all attraction to him.

[Sparkly Eyes]

It's actually a very common problem for a lot of men and women. When their ex is really hot or really good in bed, moving on gets hard. I think you should just forget about your ex and comparing him to other men. There are lots of cute/hot guys out there. Yeah they might not be as perfect as your ex, but they can still be pretty desirable. And who knows, maybe when you get to know them, they become even hotter in your eyes because of their behavior.

 

How long has it been since your breakup?

[iBroken]

Your join date shows as May 2011 - I take it that is around the time the split occurred. If so, you are still attracted to him. That will fade over time.

 

I thought my girlfriend was so beautiful and I would never find anyone as attractive as her. Now, a year later, I dont think she is attractive at all and there are many better looking people out there that I have dated - including my now girlfriend.

[BriMarie]

We technically broke up two months ago, but were in and out of contact up until a week ago. He has been awful to me, and I do not like who he is inside...and I know I will be attracted to someone else, but a year from now, I don't want to still think my ex is the hottest guy I ever dated. I don't want him to be the best in my eyes...he doesn't deserve it, and someone else does. I know personality can make someone hotter, but I am talking strictly physical.

[annalisa84]

I thought the same, that my ex was superhot!

Yes, he is attractive but most of it came cos I loved him and when we love somebody they seem especially beautiful to us.

just concentrate on the awful things he's done and it will help you through this period.

 

Son you will notice that wow.. the are lots of other hotties out there andt hey will treat me so much more as you deserve!

[superfox]

I'm guessing he's still young (as opposed to me!), here's a fact. However cute or pretty or handsome these guys are ugliness comes through eventually. Their actual character reflects in their looks. My first love at 20 was stunning and tall and had the perfect physique. I mourned for the loss of never being loved by someone who looked like him as much as being loved by him*. It's all bs.

 

Tastes change. I'm not saying you'll be trawling around the ugly pond for the rest of your life BUT you will fall in love and that guy will be EvERYTHING and more than this jerk. My bf now is the most beautiful man I've known inside and out but if I hadn't met him online im not sure I'd have looked at him twice. He didn't fit my 'usual' type.

 

*I saw him on fb recently, all skinny and shrivelled and the spit of his bald dad 20+ years ago ;-)

[carrie8484]

i know what you mean

my ex is a real looker as well, if i could describe my perfect guy, looks wise, he'd fit into the criteria 100% as my 'type' has never changed

i dont think i'll EVER meet anyone like him again looks or personality wise, we just matched.... or so i thought

 

it sucks](*,)

[Ms Darcy]

Haha, you should see all the guys on this site heartbroken over "hot" women. It happens. Time and clarity will help you become neutral and find other folks attractive. That's a part of the healing process.

[FathomFear]

I don't think it's realistic to expect that each person you date needs to be "better in every way" than the last person you dated. It very well might turn out that you'll never date someone as physically attractive again. That's just the way life works.

[jumper11]

I agree with fathom fear.. every person you date will be different. My ex wasn't the hottest, but amazing in so many other ways that can't be topped. The guy I am with - absolutely stunning - and if we break up I will be in your shoes. It's a mixed bag and I have accepted should we stop being together, that he will be REALLY hard to top looks wise, pretty impossible to really, lol. That's how it goes. People are mixed bags, if only we could mix them up and choose whats awesome, LOL.

[WockaWocka]

It's difficult. One thing that helps is a kind of thought association training -- don't get upset at yourself when you picture him or think about his great body, instead just observe "okay, I'm thinking about how sexy he was." Then consciously conjur up a memory or story of how awful he was (to you or to someone else), a moment that made you realize how ugly his personality was.

 

I did this with an ex who was gorgeous but tremendously selfish. Every time I felt the impulse to call him I'd think back to the time we were driving together and he parked between the lines in a busy parking lot, thereby taking up two spots. I asked him why not just park in a spot so someone else can have the other one and he said he was too busy to worry about it. He later told me it helps him avoid getting sideswiped. As small of a thing as that is, it was a moment that encapsulated his selfish jerkness. After we broke up, whenever I thought back to how amazing he was in bed, I consciously remembered that instance when he double parked. That thought association plus distance and time helped me get over him more quickly.

 

Hope this helps

[lulu87]

I am having this problem too. My ex and I were "That" couple on campus during college. Everyone knew of us because of our looks. I am having a really hard time being attracted to other guys at this point. It is less about the face and more about the body, he is a gym nut and is extremely muscular and I don't think I can go back from that. I have been approached by many men in the month since we broke up but I haven't been very attracted to any of them. Is this going to pass? I'm starting to worry I am spoiled for any other guys. Well, at least he wasn't that great in bed. That situation won't be hard to top haha.

[pietro5266]

My recent ex was 100% the opposite of my typical type, and I came to see her as the most beautiful woman I'd ever met. I think chemistry is what really counts, and attractiveness largely follows from there.

[jt214]

know EXACTLY what you're going through. my ex and first love was so incredibly hot andd i was so insanely attracted to her all the time that it drove me crazy. she was exactly the type of girl that i had pictured as my wife (in a very superficial way): tall, long blonde hair, dressed well, etc. and when she dumped me before i wanted to break up, it absolutely destroyed me. but WockaWocka pretty much hit the nail on the head: when you picture your ex's looks, picture a moment or two with your ex when he/she treated you badly or acted like a complete jerk. it's helped me move on a lot.

 

don't get me wrong, it's easier said than done. 6 months post break up and 2 months NC and i still get sick to my stomach picturing my ex with other guys. but the passage of time definitely helps. and what everyone else is saying is true: personality does go a long way, and in the long run it's way more important than looks.

[LN1987]

I still think my ex is the perfect guy in terms of looks for me. He had a big bone structure, huge muscles... I am pretty stressed that I will never find someone who is as physically attractive as he is. How do you get over this. I literally think of him and it makes me want to jump him haha.

[motleylou]

I don't know how you get over it, but I'm going through the same thing. My ex gf was EXACTLY what I've been looking for she was tall, lean, great body, cute face, long hair. She used to get dolled up but didn't have to wear makeup to look drop dead gorgeous to me. Since the breakup 2 months ago I've had a few girls come up to me and even went on a date with one of them. The one I took on a date, I used to be attracted her years ago and now the same level of attraction just isn't there after my ex. She's a beautiful girl just really different than my ex and other than a purely one stand type of thing I jsut don't find her as attractive as I used too.

 

I don't know how to get over this, my ex set the bar so high looks and personality wise. Of course she had her own problem's was fairly selfish and set in her ways, was a big b*tch even when she really didn't need to be. She wasn't very open which lead to our down fall, had walls up so I never really felt 100% comfortable in the relationship and struggled with depression. I was very sympathetic to the depression and didn't fault her for that bc I struggled with it too. I guess I'm just going to either have to find another girl that is similar to her looks wise or find someone who has an awesome personality but not quite there looks wise. At this point I will take a less attractive girl to not have to put up with the non sense that my ex put me through.

 

My only advice would be to just think realistically how many people really are out there, and we'd be crazy to say that we won't find one that's as attractive as our ex's. I guess what it's really telling us is that were not over our ex's yet. I just can't wait to meet that girl who instead of makes me miss my ex and what she had to offer, makes me go " wow screw my ex, this girl is great." I know it will happen it's going to take so time. And when that does happen we'll both be better people for having been let down by our ex's and will appreciate that our past relationship didn't work out so we could meet these new people.

[Sparkly Eyes]

My only advice would be to just think realistically how many people really are out there, and we'd be crazy to say that we won't find one that's as attractive as our ex's. I guess what it's really telling us is that were not over our ex's yet. I just can't wait to meet that girl who instead of makes me miss my ex and what she had to offer, makes me go " wow screw my ex, this girl is great." I know it will happen it's going to take so time. And when that does happen we'll both be better people for having been let down by our ex's and will appreciate that our past relationship didn't work out so we could meet these new people.

 

Well said.

[lulu87]

Haha well honestly, one way to find someone that you find attractive enough is to try online dating. At least you can get a great idea of what they look like and screen guys that way, by getting their Facebook. This is probably a lot easier for women to do though, because I know that women are in short supply on dating sites like Plenty of Fish.

[Batya33]

I think you're confusing physical attraction with someone's physical features. To me, two vastly different things.

[lulu87]

I'm talking about if you have a certain "type". I, for example, like very muscular guys that obviously hit the gym a lot. I can definitely be attracted to people that don't quite fit that type, but that's why my ex is like and after being with him it dampened my attraction to other body types, at least for now. Facially, attraction is more variable for sure.

[Batya33]

I'm talking about if you have a certain "type". I, for example, like very muscular guys that obviously hit the gym a lot. I can definitely be attracted to people that don't quite fit that type, but that's why my ex is like and after being with him it dampened my attraction to other body types, at least for now. Facially, attraction is more variable for sure.

 

I disagree in the sense that I see physical attraction as chemistry -chemistry of course has something to do with looks but most often a narrow "type" like you described is far more about a preference for certain physical features than about chemistry. It probably also has to do with how you want to be perceived by others, also unrelated to chemistry or attraction. If I had separated "facial" attraction as "more variable" than bodily type I definitely wouldn't be married now or had been in any healthy relationships because that kind of compartmentalizing ,at least to me, prevents the kind of lasting passion essential to a long term relationship. Obviously there are extremes - I can say I probably would not have been attracted to a man who was much shorter than my 5"2 (even though of course that can't be changed -even if he wanted to change it) - but other than unusual situations like that I was careful to separate preference for certain physical features from attraction/chemistry with the result that I was very openminded about physical features and focused on "do I want to kiss this person?"

[BriMarie]

Today must be a better day. After more of him showing how little he cares about us anymore, I opened up the few photos I still have, did not find him AS attractive, and deleted them. Yes he is still sexy, but he has a big nose, droopy eyes (even tho I kinda liked them), and not the greatest smile. I sound so immature, but even tho the sexual attraction is there, I look at that person and think of all the things he has done and said and suddenly he is not so sexy anymore. Thanks for all your replies, I am excited at the thought of meeting a real man, who has a caring personality, and who's attractiveness will blow my ex out of the water.