Depressed

[sophiee]

A few years ago my mother told me about how the man living up the road from me had tried to rape his granddaughter

thats when it hit me that when I was younger and when myself and a friend used to play at his house, things were different

I'll let you work it out

I spent my school life being very low in confidence, i have absolutely no self esteem, I generally believe and have for a long time that I am a piece of crap and its killing me

I have so many repressed memories I dont know if things happened or not, i can just remember bits of situations

When I was about 13 i was depressed to the point where i wouldnt leave my bedroom for days on end, when i left school things started to get better but now ive finally left home and started uni things are just going worse.

I am starting to remember things, i am starting to understand whats happened to me and it scares me so much and i dont know what to or who to talk to

I am so unhappy and i feel like know one understands me or cares

I recently told my boyfriend and i know he cares about me so much and his trying to do what he can but he just doesnt understand and i feel bad on him because i am so low in self esteem and i know he worries that he will upset me if he says things or does things and i cant really please him in the bedroom and thats making him unhappy and because my entire life i have just let boys/men use me and now hes the first one who isnt and i just dont know what to do

I really need some help

[CatsMeeoow]

You do need some help.

 

You need professional counseling and maybe medication to help you get things together.

 

Universities here in the states often offer students medical services including counseling/therapy. Is that a possibility with your uni? I would start with that and then find out what you can get through community services.

 

Asking for help is hard. Don't expect your bf to save you. You have to find that inner strength to work on yourself. Sometimes it doesn't work so well having a bf while you are dealing with this directly so I'm just going to warn you upfront that that may end but don't let it be the end for you.

 

Life is out there. Please look into resources for counseling and doctor's care.

 

HUGS!

[TwelveThirty]

I think I might help, but as CastMeeoow said, the best would be to reach for some direct support. I don't recommend professionals especially at your age and since you have never been diagnosed before. It would take a lot of time before things start moving and in the meantime you might think everything will be fine soon but it won't. Please talk with someone experience that you know. It doesn't matter how close you feel to them, as long as it's someone who knows you since you were a child. Then, you might come to the conclusion together that you need medication. Maybe not. Lots of problems are actually solvable only by natural treatment. Expect a bit of time, though, but I would not be surprised by a quick and efficient start so that you can even notice a difference. Looking for help and getting out of your isolation is one awsome factor. It might even only be a problem of self-esteem, which once is fixed, would be awsome because you will never experience it as badly thereafter.

 

Now, as for your relationship with your boyfriend... I would like to very delicately suggest you that you stop considering this relationship as a serious one, and acting accordingly. In other words, I recommend that you stop having sex with this gentle young man. Sex can be addictive, boosting your ego and instincts, and in your situation I fear it's only having the effect of a soft but hard drug. You need tender loving care as a priority and if you can focus your relationship better on this, it will have a greater impact on your curation.

 

I know lots of people who would also love to help you with your problems. There are lots of elder people who wish to talk to youth and to have a positive impact on their lives completely enchants them. You can talk about your less serious problems to them, such as your memories and your older worries which keep passing by. They most likely will tell you all of their bad adventure on their turn and make you feel like it's nothing compared to their stories. They will smile and probably inspire you in a phenomenal way; I'm sure you can't even imagine how much!

 

Anyways, please believe. Learn about yourself more; who you are with what you like and who you want to be, where you want to go. It will help build your fondations at the core of your vivacity. Dig deep into yourself and sort out that bad stuff you have and put it down on paper. Ditch that. Look around and see what you've got that you're thankful for. And pray, if this helps you too, or find yourself a new religion; make a research, I'm sure you won't be disapointed to learn about the all so many other cultures that exist in this world.

 

And finally, take care

[Gracelove]

Hey There Sophiee!

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. I think therapy might help you a lot. It'll provide a safe place for you to reflect, and sort through your memories. Do you remember this man well? Do you vividly remember things about him? I think it would be a good idea for you to write things down. Don't worry about the order of events, just write whatever you remember, whatever comes to mind.

 

Usually when girls' are promiscuous at a young age, they've been sexually abused. It would be interesting to know if your mother noticed a change in your behavior. However, at the age of 13, she might have attributed any changes in behavior to puberty.

 

I think a professional could really help you with your memories. If you can, look for a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse or childhood molestation.