Head is spinning in so many directions... not sure what to do anymore!!!!!!! :(

[waytoodown]

Hi everyone,

 

So I have made quite a few posts in the last few days about what's going on with my bf. Bassically, he sent two message on two different occasions, to a girl, asking her to meet up (once in a club, which he admitted that he wasn't sure what his intentions were; another time in a more romantic hang out spot, where he said he wanted to know if he could resist the temptation for casual sex?! as he was questionning if he should be in a relationship).

 

Now, I keep going back and forth between wanting to break up with him, and then wanting to stay and try to make things work. I have so many extremes (emotions wise) right now, I feel like I'm loosing my mind. One minute, I'll be talking to my friend about what I will do when I'm broken up with him, and the next about what I would want to do with him next week. I haven't really had a real heart to heart with him yet, and he seems to not even realize how big of an issue this is, or maybe he's just trying to brush it off and hoping that'll make the situation go away, who knows (he wants to make plans for next month!?!?!?!).

 

Either way, all my family and friends know of what went on at this point, as I haven't been able to stop crying, or eat for the past few days. Most of them think he's an awesome guy, but with his issues and his way of rationalizing what he did, they also think I should break up with him because he would probably just end up doing something like this in the future (he says he didn't cheat, probably because he wasn't given the opportunity, but who knows, maybe he'll do it next time!?).

 

I'm scared that if I break up, I'll regret not trying to make the relationship work, and that if I don't break up, I might be doing it as a way to keep what is familiar (as everything in my life is going to be changing in the next month and I can't do anything to stop it), so he would be the only constant thing. Or maybe I'll stay with him because it's just much easier and more comfortable to be with the one I love (because I do love him, and am very emotionally attached to him, I'm just really not sure if he feels the same.... :S)

[annalisa84]

If you stay, how could you trust him from now on?

[waytoodown]

...Maybe we could go for some therapy? ...

 

We have been long distance since we met, and I think that affected the relationship greatly. So I'm also wondering if things might be different once we live in the same city (which will be hapenning within the next month).

 

I just feel so confused, I haven't slept in 3 nights and can't stop crying, I'm not even able to think about basic things such as eating right now...

[Cheetarah]

I don't think you should pressure yourself to make a choice right now. You're very much in pain and very emotional, and I think it's best to deal with your feelings to a point where they're not overwhelming you and clouding your judgment, then consider your options.

 

My advice is to break off a chunk at a time. Therapy is fine and dandy, and can be a great tool for ourselves and our relationships, but if he doesn't recognize the situation for what it is, why in the world would he go to therapy for it? Leave that alone for the moment.

 

What is the trust level like in your relationship, from both sides, and prior to this as well? Long-distance can magnify trust issues, but it won't create them out of thin air.

[annalisa84]

Are you moving to be with him?

If this is the case, I would seriously suggest you at least postpone it.

You might very well end up all alone in a new place with a broken heart.

Stress of moving will not make the relationship better - if you move for him, you expect him to apprecaite it, but instead he's not sure that the realtionship is what he wants, so you will feel unwanted and lonely and it will all go down the hill.

When you surround yourself with family and friends, you have a better chance to stay strong and show what you are worth and actually get it.

 

 

Therapy?

Theray works if both people really want to work it out and see the problems in a common way.

i don't think he understands where are you coming from.

I went to couple's therapy with my boyfriend, both very young - 25.

Waisted heaps of money and year later I understood he never once took it seriously,as he was never completely honest with me nor the therapeut about what was going on with him.

 

How old are you?

From what you wrote it looks like he is not ready to commit yet, and still thinks that he might want to "sew the oats".

it is a very diffcult thing to solve as you will feel not good enough for him and he will not be completely committed to you, always with a wondering eye and you afraid to loose him.

IMO the best thing here is to break up and give him his freedom, if he really loves you, he will come back and you can see where it goes.

But if all he wants is to sleep around, good luck to him and you will just have a chance to find somebody who is ready to give you evrything he's got.

[WockaWocka]

It's often been said that it's not so much the lie as the cover-up that really breaks trust. In this case when he said "he wanted to know if he could resist the temptation for casual sex" that's just patently ridiculous. What he really wanted to know was whether or not she'd be willing to have casual sex with him.

 

But how did you find these texts in the first place - from snooping through his phone? It seems like there was already an erosion of trust even before this happened.

[Ariel85]

What's curious is that you're considering sticking around to make it work and repair things, and he doesn't think anything is broken. lol. He brazenly told you a half truth, and anyguy who tells you he is out meeting women to "test" himself, is taking you for a ride.

 

If you stay with him, you will be sending the message that you accept this behavior.

 

And long distance - is this a cyber relationship and you've never even met in real life?

[waytoodown]

Thank you all for writting the replies, I really appreciate it!

 

I spoke with him not long after writting my last post. He said that he realizes his excuse was horrible, that the way he acted was aweful (using words I can't write on here as they will be sensored! and wouldn't blame me for breaking up with him. He said that he is willing to go to therapy, as he doesn't want to lose what we have and is willing to work on it as much as he has to, in order to make it work. I made it very clear that his behaviour was absolutely unacceptable and that if anything else happens I'm gone for sure (though I'm still not sure what to do right now, as I'm still too emotion driven at the moment to have a clear mind).

 

In regards to the trust prior to this incident, I trusted him 100%. He said he mostly trusts me, but does have trust issues which he would need to address in therapy. (He said that he does recognize this is an issue affecting out relationship and wants to work on it.)

 

As for the long distance, it's not a cyber relationship, we've seen each other every weekend for approximately the last 2.5 years.

 

In regards to how I found the message, it's a very long story, but no I wasn't snooping.

 

Finally, we are both in our late 20's, and I am not moving to his city only to be with him anymore at this point, I have something arranged career-wise, so I will be moving regardless of the outcome with our relationship.

 

...I hope I answered all the questions that were raised!

[SolFeather]

He said he tried to meet up with another girl to see if he could 'resist the temptation of casual sex'? Really? This is a guy who is trying to lie his way out of a bad situation. A man who would lie like this....would do it again.

[tresqua]

I spoke with him not long after writting my last post. He said that he realizes his excuse was horrible, that the way he acted was aweful (using words I can't write on here as they will be sensored! and wouldn't blame me for breaking up with him. He said that he is willing to go to therapy, as he doesn't want to lose what we have and is willing to work on it as much as he has to, in order to make it work

 

You write about everything he said as if it actually means anything. He already came up with that blatent lame lie about "testing himself to see if he could resist casual sex", and now he's completely changed his tune and is all apologetic when originally he acted like it was nothing because he realizes you've got one foot out the door and he doesn't want to lose you. He's thinking about himself, not about you and what you want or need.

 

You cannot believe a word he says, and that's not likely to change regardless of how this plays out.

[Huntress0527]

He said he tried to meet up with another girl to see if he could 'resist the temptation of casual sex'? Really? This is a guy who is trying to lie his way out of a bad situation. A man who would lie like this....would do it again.

 

Agreed. If he hasn't physically cheated on you yet then consider yourself lucky thus far. It's going to happen. He's only telling you what you want to hear about therapy to keep you on the hook. This relationship will end in heartbreak. You're always going to be suspicious of him.

[Ariel85]

Much like anyone who stays with a cheater (and yes, I classify what he did as cheating as to me, cheating doesn't require intercourse), he has lamely lied his way out of it, and you have accepted it.

 

Please do realize that he now knows he can pretty much do as he pleases, and you'll still stick around.

 

He's really got some major plums to do what he did and then give you the reasons (which, is like finding an alcoholic at a bar having a drink and they say they were only having one to prove to themselves they could stop) that he did. You've spent more time apart than together in your relationship, and with this new revelation of who he really is, I'd never trust what he did before, nor going forward.

[RadicalDreamer]

As everyone else has said, he lied, and did so badly.

 

On top of that, he admitted that he lied badly. It's hard to say for certain, but given the fact that you seem to be on the fence with him, it seems, from what you're relating to us, that he's not very remorseful.

 

It's hard to tell with text over the internet, though. In person, though, one can usually tell when a person feels genuine remorse. A part of them will seem wounded, the light deadened just a bit from their eyes. Things will seem awkward, and tense. Not just on your part, but on theirs. They'll have a hard time meeting your eyes, and be afflicted with wanting to be around you, while simultaneously not wanting to. I guess only you can know for sure, but know this- even genuine, honest-to-goodness remorse is not enough. And only you can know if anything ever CAN be enough.

 

On the one hand, I can understand what you're saying about regretting a break up without giving it a chance to work. Everyone hates the idea of a missed chance. But at the same time, you might only bring more pain upon yourself. In my estimation, it seems the greater regret would be risking more heartache if you continue in the absence of real trust.

 

I wish you all the best.