How Do We Reconcile and Move Past Resentment?

[WeightOffChest]

To All,

 

I'm going to keep this as brief as necessary.

 

So, a couple of weeks ago, things were tense because of miscommunication from the lack of meaningful contact. I ultimately texted her not to contact me unless it was meaningful, and she immediately called and confessed that she wanted to get back together at some point. We have 2-3+ hour long phone conversations once or twice a week. We've kept each contact meaningful by airing out our past resentments and contemplating the best way to get back together. While we've been nostalgically reminiscing about good times and doing a little bit of flirting too, we realize that a new relationship is the desired outcome. Something new, yet familiar, is what would lead to the most successful reconciliation.

 

However, there have been too many things that have happened because of the breakup that have caused a lot of resentments and sadness. We're not resentful in our interactions; it's just in the breakup period that we acted foolishly. How do we really move past the resentments and anger?

 

We agree that lots of time being single is required to heal from the resentments. It's just tricky because we both love and want to be with each other, but we can't get back together yet. It's hard acting single knowing that the girl I love still loves me. The thing is that we are conflicted on the approach for getting back together. I think that forgetting each other will allow us to let go of the pain and meet again. It's easier said than done, acting like I'm single while knowing that the girl is still in love with me. She does not want to leave it up to fate that we get back together, so she wants to work towards getting back together and iron out the wrinkles when we get to them. What would be a good approach? Do we stop talking on the phone so that we can ignore each other and heal by ourselves? Do we keep in contact to work on things, but potentially let things escalate too quickly? So far, it's been a middle road of contact, but only meaningful contact. We have to catch ourselves to make sure that we're not involved in our day-to-day lives. But how long will that last until we start acting like a couple again? Neither of us wants to jeopardize what could be a long-term success just for the sake of a short-term relief.

 

Yeah yeah, they say on eNA that the majority of reconciliations fail (sources please), so we're not trying to be foolish when it comes to something so important to us. I'm of the mindset that if two people have true love and want to be with each other, things will tend to fall into place that they will end up together. Some good advice I've read was: "Really, if the two of you loved each other and still do, nothing is going to make or break getting back together. And if your ex is truley done and doesn't still love you then there's really nothing you can do to win them back."

[Eocsor]

When you say you need lots of time being "single" in order to heal, what does that mean. That you are able to date other people? Because if thats the case you aren't reconciling, you're both moving on.

[endy]

Man you are in a difficult spot. I've followed your story. There's going to come a time when you need to crap or get off the pot with this. It's not on ENA that the majority of reconciliations fail. They really do usually fail. Just read divorce statistics. Usually through a divorce people tend to try again and it just fails again. That's enough to go on. In my life I've seen plenty of reconciliations with friends happen, and it's usually because they prefer suffering that is familiar.

 

Although the best course of action is to heal alone, I don't really see that happening with you two. I think you need to go balls to the wall with it or let it go. Resentment is going to be hard to get over period. Mutual trust is gone and that's what makes it difficult. You really have to honestly forgive not only her, but also yourself for your actions. The same thing needs to happen on the other end. Usually it just takes time. Starting a new takes time. It takes time and plenty of it to heal and change. All I can recommend is that you both either work on yourselves or try to work through all of this together in a relatonship. It's easier to do by yourself. As long as you have a good base again going in the second time you might be alright.

 

If you do decide to work through it together, it's going to be hard, it's going to be rough, and it's probably going to be painful. You both need to sit down and decide if you want to go through that together. There's just no other way about it. If you want to heal by yourselves, then I think NC would probably be a good idea. The issue with this is you both know in the back of your minds you want to be together. That's going to stay there and neither of you will most likely let go.

 

What would I do? Go balls to the wall with it and try to work through it. There's really no other option to me because of the way you both feel. Healing is not going to happen here because neither of you are going to let go completely. If you both can let go, not have any hope then go ahead and go that route. I just honestly don't see that happening.

[sada88]

Check out this thread: it might be helpful. Good luck

[two0609]

yeah man I dont know. Im in a similar boat. My lady left me for another man, and we are back but I am so filled with resentment and pain, that its hard to feel "it" again. Because Im haunted by her and him, but I think if you can let go than go for it, but if not, you are going to be like me, just suffering but in a familiar place.

[WeightOffChest]

When you say you need lots of time being "single" in order to heal, what does that mean. That you are able to date other people? Because if thats the case you aren't reconciling, you're both moving on.

I've read here that a reconciliation is not "moving on" from an ex, but rather "moving on" from the pain of the breakup. When you move on from an ex, there's no reason to reconcile because you've already moved past them. Moving on from the pain and resentments will be necessary to get back together. She and I are in a state of limbo, and it wouldn't be fair to either of us to selfishly hold the other person back from meeting new people. I might have this girl in the back of my mind for the next couple of years, while I casually date people, but that might have to be a method to heal. She might meet someone and fall in love as well. But it's like that old saying goes, "If you love it and let it go, and it comes back to you, it was meant to be." That might be cliche, but I believe we could do it... not saying that's the approach we've decided upon.

 

Man you are in a difficult spot. I've followed your story. There's going to come a time when you need to crap or get off the pot with this. It's not on ENA that the majority of reconciliations fail. They really do usually fail. Just read divorce statistics. Usually through a divorce people tend to try again and it just fails again. That's enough to go on. In my life I've seen plenty of reconciliations with friends happen, and it's usually because they prefer suffering that is familiar.

 

Although the best course of action is to heal alone, I don't really see that happening with you two. I think you need to go balls to the wall with it or let it go. Resentment is going to be hard to get over period. Mutual trust is gone and that's what makes it difficult. You really have to honestly forgive not only her, but also yourself for your actions. The same thing needs to happen on the other end. Usually it just takes time. Starting a new takes time. It takes time and plenty of it to heal and change. All I can recommend is that you both either work on yourselves or try to work through all of this together in a relatonship. It's easier to do by yourself. As long as you have a good base again going in the second time you might be alright.

 

If you do decide to work through it together, it's going to be hard, it's going to be rough, and it's probably going to be painful. You both need to sit down and decide if you want to go through that together. There's just no other way about it. If you want to heal by yourselves, then I think NC would probably be a good idea. The issue with this is you both know in the back of your minds you want to be together. That's going to stay there and neither of you will most likely let go.

 

What would I do? Go balls to the wall with it and try to work through it. There's really no other option to me because of the way you both feel. Healing is not going to happen here because neither of you are going to let go completely. If you both can let go, not have any hope then go ahead and go that route. I just honestly don't see that happening.

Thanks endy and Eocsor. You've seen how complicated it's been from beginning to end. For a bit, I was kind of wading through the bull * * * * of the limited contact we had. But even when the breakup occurred, it was just dancing around the issue that we wanted to be together all along. No contact is preached on here and is often required to help a person who just got out of a relationship. However, in trying to heal and get back together, it's much trickier. NC would not be effective here. Tons of contact would just be jumping right back into it. I think the key here is meaningful contact. Everything we talk about needs to be for a purpose of healing or bringing us closer towards getting back together. Less of the day-to-day conversation, and more conversations about self-growth.

 

I don't think I'm ready to go balls to the wall. For one, she's moved away now. So there's no real tangible benefit of being with her rather than being enjoying myself. Other than the idea that this girl may come up to visit me a every couple of weekends, we're going to be doing this relatively long-distance as opposed to being with her every day in the past. So, that's definitely slow things down a bit from being balls to the wall.

 

However, we want to be together in the long-term, and we still have incredible chemistry. It's just that neither of us is ready to step right back into it. So, we're in a state of limbo here between not at all and too much. We need to lose hope in order to fully and really heal, but we can't let go knowing that the other person wants to get back together. We're also not ready to jump right back into it because we still have to hash things out, and due to circumstance, it won't be the same as before.

 

Time is the only thing we can take...

[iBroken]

When you say you need lots of time being "single" in order to heal, what does that mean. That you are able to date other people? Because if thats the case you aren't reconciling, you're both moving on.

 

Exactly. I dont see how these actions are considered getting back together.

 

Perhaps she is simply trying to have her cake and eat it too?

[WeightOffChest]

Check out this thread: it might be helpful. Good luck

Thanks! These things are complicated. The majority on GBT threads on eNA are not actually about getting back together, but rather I want to get back together. It's nice to see that I'm not unique and as complicated as it is, it's been done before.

yeah man I dont know. Im in a similar boat. My lady left me for another man, and we are back but I am so filled with resentment and pain, that its hard to feel "it" again. Because Im haunted by her and him, but I think if you can let go than go for it, but if not, you are going to be like me, just suffering but in a familiar place.

That's what I'm trying to avoid. The resentment is much easier to deal with since I don't owe her anything right now. As soon as we're in a relationship again, we have an agreement. Being in that sort of a "contract" would make the burden of the pain overbearing, and I couldn't deal with myself. Especially if I feel like I'm stuck in a situation with a girl where I'm not fully happy. That's why this time apart is incredibly important. She wants to start making moves forward after a couple of months. I want to take as long as it takes to get it right.

 

While we basically agree to get back together at some point, we completely agree that we need time to heal. The tricky thing is that, how much time does it take to heal? I can see reconnecting in 5-10 years, and possibly wouldn't mind it (I wouldn't prefer it) because it could be a beautiful testament to the idea that our love could endure such time apart. She doesn't want to leave it up to fate, and she'd prefer to take it slow after enough healing. Her idea is that she'd slowly work her way into a new relationship with me.

Exactly. I dont see how these actions are considered getting back together.

 

Perhaps she is simply trying to have her cake and eat it too?

While there's no absolute way of knowing how someone feels, I'm pretty sure she's honest to me when she says she doesn't want a relationship with anyone else except for me. It would be me who's doing the casual dating (as you say, having cake and eating it). And the reason I'd do so is not to reap the benefits of a single man with the comfort of a girlfriend - it's so I can make sure she's the right one for me. I don't want to delude myself that this girl is "the one" (even though it feels like it) while she and I are in this emotional limbo.

[Eocsor]

I feel for you guy, I really do. But what you have now is basically meaningless. There is no such thing as an agreement to get back together after a period of years have passed and you've had relationships with other people. Life just doesn't work that way. Either you take a shot at making it work, or you let go totally with no expectation of reconcilliation. Sure, every once and a while people reconnect after a number of years but it's VERY rare. And not the way you describe it. Really, there is no girl on the face of the planet who is going to sit there waiting while you go off and have your fun.

 

No matter how you slice it you two are moving on to new and separate lives that way. It's not a bad thing necessarily. It's an opportunity to find people that suit you better. But it's not a path to reconcilliation.

[WeightOffChest]

Surely there is an alternative to "now or never"... both those things seem black and white. Take a shot at it now and give it your all (a little foolish, needs more time) or do nothing and let go forever (unreasonable to ask of two people who feel this way).

 

While this is quite a complicated situation, it's not frustrating and doesn't demand immediate action. I feel that there is time for both of us to come to decide what we want. It's not a * * * * -or-get-off-the-pot situation yet.

[jumper11]

I really feel for your situation. I think whether or not resentment is involved, it is just so hard to go back, even when you want to.

 

This post hit home for me. My ex came back , and I still love him, but something is holding me back. It isn't resentment but I don't know what it is. We still love each other. So why aren't we together? I think that's what makes reconciliations so hard.. once you break it, the love isn't broken but the relationship is.

[Eocsor]

Surely there is an alternative to "now or never"... both those things seem black and white. Take a shot at it now and give it your all (a little foolish, needs more time) or do nothing and let go forever (unreasonable to ask of two people who feel this way).

 

While this is quite a complicated situation, it's not frustrating and doesn't demand immediate action. I feel that there is time for both of us to come to decide what we want. It's not a * * * * -or-get-off-the-pot situation yet.

 

You can't honestly believe that you are going to date other women to make sure shes the one and have her wait around for the chance that you'll come back. Or that you'll both date other people to make sure you were right for each other and then reconnect years later. Life doesn't work like that. People don't work like that.

[WeightOffChest]

I think this is a precarious situation, and either option of going balls deep now vs letting go forever-eva does not seem to be a good idea. I feel that being single does not require dating other people. Why can't I spend this time to work on myself? This may be a Getting Back Together forum and this post is about what to do before we get back together, but why can't I focus on myself without being presumed to rely on another relationship or worry that the other person will leave me?

 

I find great freedom in working on a potentially very fruitful relationship while maintaining a sense of independence. The question posed on this thread is more about getting the fruit while it's ripe and not when it's too green or when it's spoiled.

[Eocsor]

I think this is a precarious situation, and either option of going balls deep now vs letting go forever-eva does not seem to be a good idea. I feel that being single does not require dating other people. Why can't I spend this time to work on myself? This may be a Getting Back Together forum and this post is about what to do before we get back together, but why can't I focus on myself without being presumed to rely on another relationship or worry that the other person will leave me?

 

I find great freedom in working on a potentially very fruitful relationship while maintaining a sense of independence. The question posed on this thread is more about getting the fruit while it's ripe and not when it's too green or when it's spoiled.

 

You said, and I quote:

 

"It would be me who's doing the casual dating (as you say, having cake and eating it). And the reason I'd do so is not to reap the benefits of a single man with the comfort of a girlfriend - it's so I can make sure she's the right one for me. I don't want to delude myself that this girl is "the one" (even though it feels like it) while she and I are in this emotional limbo. "

 

Thats not taking time to work on yourself.

 

Any way you look at it this isn't a reconcilliation. What you are doing is hoping and praying that you will both be in the same head space months or years from now and will get back together. It doesn't work that way. You're just setting yourself up for dissappointment and heartbreak. No ones going to accept those terms. You can't have it both ways.

 

Nothing says you have to go for it now. Just realise though that people don't wait in limbo forever, especially not at your age. Odds are one of you will move on to someone else.

[Nikki11]

I agree, reconciliation is possible, but an effort is required on both sides. You have to move past the issues that caused the breakup and just try to start afresh with the added bonus of the "good" history you both have together.

 

If you are willing to forgive, and just start each day as a new beginning, with a new perspective, it may work.

If you can get those "sparks" flying again, without reliving the past and just move forward, it can happen.

 

If you can't move past the issues that caused the break up, then you may just need some space and time to think about it all, without getting involved. I think it's very important to never be critical of your partner, but accepting, and realize that we all make mistakes in life.

 

If you really care about someone, give it a shot, if they are willing to and you feel that they are right for you,....go by how you feel....sounds cliched, but it is worth trying.

[endy]

Yeah I agree with Eocsor on this one. Seriously how is that situation going to play out? You're going to go into an LDR when you don't see each other. Basically be friends, and wait for each other? That's just not realistic at all or fair to either of you. I'de just let go, and hit her up down the road or when the opportunity presents itself later if that's what you want. You don't have the option to let it all out right now, or as you're saying to give up on each other. Most successful reconciliations that I've seen work when people get over the other person period, not just the break up. They move on, date other people then out of a whim one contacts the other sparks fly and bam. That is pretty much starting anew, and it seems like that's what you want to do.

 

You answer your own questions a lot. Start trusting yourself a bit more. You can't go balls to the wall, and you feel you can't move on. Can't = don't want to, especially in the moving on aspect of it. I agree though a LDR will not work in this case.

[WeightOffChest]

I guess I was just responding to iBroken's idea that she was playing me. My intention was to kind of say that what I learned from doing NC was that I need to be more independent (aka single). The problem why we broke up was because I felt that I was being codependent on her. Just semantics, but what I meant by being single was that I wouldn't limit myself from dating other people. If I did, I'd essentially be in a relationship with her, which is jumping right back into it. The idea is that I should have learned something from NC (as * * * * ty as it was, something good needed to come from it).

 

And you're right about expecting her to wait around for reconciliation. I'm probably deluding myself in terms of that. However, I do know that I do not want to jump back into it right away, not because I'm apprehensive about moving on from the pain, but because I don't want to set up a potentially great relationship for failure. She and I would love to go head over heels for each other again, and it often seems that way, but we're cautious just because we want it to go the distance. It's all about treading carefully.

 

Also, thanks again endy, I feel you've read some of my threads and understand about the precariousness of this situation. I feel that I do answer my own questions, mainly because I think I know what I want to do. Basically, that's just taking time to let the dust settle a little. We've only been broken up for a short time, and this new situation has only transpired in the past 2 weeks, yet somehow I had a good handle about how things would unfold. Even though NC sucked, I kind of knew in the midst of it, that this would happen. Just because I knew she'd always love me and I feel the same about her. But still, we need to tread carefully because people can love each other and the relationship could still fail. Jumping right back into it is not a step forward. Letting go is unreasonable.

 

But you know what? While I posted this thread to get some opinions on my situation, she and I both know what needs to be done before we can get a fresh start. The appropriate changes need to be made, a little more planning should happen, and letting enough time pass are the steps it takes to reconcile. I guess we just need to be more confident and brave the trials ahead of us.

[Nikki11]

Endy, this is a wonderful post, anyone who has hopes of reconciling, should read this, excellent!

[endy]

Thanks Nikki! There's a lot more threads on here about what goes into a successful reconciliation than what's on this one. Kind of stuck to his story.

[CMS]

Thanks Nikki! There's a lot more threads on here about what goes into a successful reconciliation than what's on this one. Kind of stuck to his story.

 

Basic ingredient of successful reconciliation (one that does not end up breaking up again in short time): time, personal growth and forgiveness.

[mhowe]

I would only add patience to that list CM

[CMS]

I would only add patience to that list CM

 

Good addition

[Nikki11]

Thanks Nikki! There's a lot more threads on here about what goes into a successful reconciliation than what's on this one. Kind of stuck to his story.

 

Thanks Endy, good and sensible reading! Wonderful advice.

[endy]

Basic ingredient of successful reconciliation (one that does not end up breaking up again in short time): time, personal growth and forgiveness.

 

 

Also something that increases the odds... A mutual breakup because of distance work etc. (not cheating, lying, or abuse) Doesn't mean it can't happen but way better chance if nothing bad was involved in the breakup.

[WeightOffChest]

While it's been tricky for us, I'd have to say that my ex and I are probably the most level headed we have been in the past 2-3 months.

 

We're being incredibly patient with this whole situation. The communication is always pleasant, as we've still got really good chemistry between us. Even the breakup itself wasn't bad. It has been painful, but it's definitely caused both of us to branch out and do new things for ourselves (and maybe in a sense, for the other person).

 

The only thing that needs much more time is forgiving each other and ourselves for what happened. Talking lately, we've been able to air out these grievances that the other person wasn't fully aware of. While she knows that I have a hard time getting over the rebound relationship she had, I let her know that it's been this jealousy that has kept me from really moving forward with her. I'll need to take time to slowly get rid of the resentments that come with that. I also wasn't aware that she held it against me that I had a one-night stand on my birthday - the same birthday she had been planning for months before we broke up. There's no more anger, just a lot of sadness that needs to slowly go away before we can start again.

 

She and I have been very composed since we've started talking, but God do I miss her. I really hope that I can really forgive myself and her, so that we can start a new relationship.