any men out there that can help me understand his side? Sorry it's long

[LovingMe2]

Hi there, I'm wondering if anyone can offer any insight to my situation so that I might stand a chance of getting my head (and heart) around what happened to me/us. I'm thinking that men might be better equipped to possibly help me but if there are any women who have been through something similar perhaps you might help too. PLEASE be sensitive, I am still hurt over what has happened so I sincerely hope that you will be gentle with your comments.

I met a man on an online dating site, he found me and approached me. After months of wondering what I was doing on such a site I couldn't believe that I was actually attracted to this man right off! We emailed, text and then phone calls daily for a week and then we met. I think I loved him before I even met him and it felt like he was just as enamored with me. I was so nervous the night I was to meet him because I already liked him so much. We hit it off right away!! Our first date last 24 hours (we did NOT sleep together). He slept on my sofa. The next day was beautiful as were the following weeks and then he started slowly pulling away. This is the part I don't understand. Please dont be cynical.

 

He had been through a lot. He wasn't working in a place/job that he didn't belong. He just took 'any' job that he could get to earn a living at that time. He had lost his license and his job and home a year earlier due to a DUI and was trying to get back on his feet. Anyway, this job wasn'tw working out as that was not where his skills were and they let him go. So very early, TOO early into our relationship I allowed him to move in with me (even though we both really didn't think it was a great idea) just so he could get back on his feet. So he could get a job in the industry he belongs in and is good at. It would take a while for his earnings to build as it's based on client numbers and that takes time to grow. He had no money, no car/license and no home of his own. I believe he is a good man that made a mistake and everyone deserves a second chance - I wanted to give him that chance. I have my own home, car and great job. He then had heart problems and needed surgery too.

 

Early on, around the time he lost his job or maybe a little before, that's when he started pulling away somewhat, I can't remember when it actually was and it was very subtle at first. After a while we didn't make love either anymore and he would refer to me as his friend - that hurt! As the months went by he started drinking more and pulling away more and more. He finally explainded that he didn't want an intimate/romantic relationship and wanted us to be friends. He says he loves me, but it's not the same type of love I feel for him. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with 'anyone' right now, that he needs to feel whole again. He says he is sorry, that he shouldn't have been on the dating website, that he thought he was ready but realised later that he wasn't ready afterall.

 

In the meantime I fell in love with him. He no longer lives with me because the situation was hurting both of us. I was (still am) in love with him and he could only love me as a friend. I helped him in many many ways, financially, emotionally etc. He says he will be in my life forever, that no woman has ever done for him what I did. He says I got him back on his feet again. He is such a good man with such a loving heart and I miss what I thought we were going to have.

 

So what's my question? How could he be so 'in to' me in the beginning and then only want me as a friend? Is it true that you can't love someone else if you don't feel good about yourself? I can't get my head around that, but maybe that's because I'm content with me? Is it a male thing? His health and him not having money or his own home and car in comparison to me having it together and helping him?

 

I'm asking all this because I don't want to give up hope of us being together again one day. If it's true what he says, then I'm hoping when he feels better about himself, that he might be able to love me back in the same way I love him. I also realise he may end up feeling better and meet someone else (yikes)

 

I know I've rambled but I don't know any other way to explain the situation. Does anyone out there have any insight or have experienced anything similar to this? And again, please be kind as I'm still fragile over what's happened. I love him and miss him so much.

[metrogirl]

He might have been a user or he might genuinely feel like he can't have a good life with you right now while he is trying to get back on his feet so to speak. It's a hard pill to swallow, not having a job or a home or any money. Hopefully when he finds his way, he will come back ready to build a life with you.

[Batya33]

Because when he was down on himself he looked to you more as a therapist or perhaps a mother and when things improved for him he probably felt uncomfortable knowing you had known him when he wasn't as put together. Also maybe he started to doubt your level of self-confidence -after all, it sounds like you almost were a martyr here- making financial and other sacrifices for someone you barely knew - sure in a sense that's laudable -very giving of you -but perhaps he sensed that you did this out of neediness more than from a place of confidence.

 

You took the risk by moving this fast with a man who obviously had serious issues with alcohol, and was unemployed (or soon to be) - you can say it's "because I love him" but you barely knew him when you madethese decisions. Is anything I am writing ringing true or partly true?

[RedDress]

So... I think you'll agree that he was in a pretty desperate situation. No job, no house, no money. When this happens to people, they often try to cling to a relationship. I don't think it's malicious (it can be - but you are not getting this feeling, so go with your gut). I think it's just human nature. You are in a precarious situation, you seek out support and stability.

 

I think he genuinely had feelings and that he is genuinely thankful for your help... but I don't think you should cling to the idea of a reconciliation.

 

Often, when we jump in too fast, we don't realize what we are doing. In fact... we most certainly don't! Then, you 'wake up' and start to notice incompatibilities that you didn't see before. He saw one of these incompatibilities.

 

Again, I think he genuinely cares for you and is thankful... but that doesn't mean you are good romantic partners. In his eyes, you are not.

 

I think it's time to walk away. Sorry.

[CatsMeeoow]

I agree with RedDress...

 

There is that poem that people come into your life for a reason, a season, a lifetime. I think this is one who came into your life for a reason. I don't see lifetime potential here... mostly because he has stated such to you very bluntly.

 

Its easy to get carried away with the intensity of a relationship and create more than there really was or could be. Remember for a relationship to be successful both parties have to be in the same place at the same time. He isn't interested... and no matter how much you love him and see it all as the perfect situation his viewpoint is greatly different than yours.

 

I'm very sorry for your disappointment. I can see that you had a lot of feelings for this guy - but take a moment to think about what were you getting from this situation as you have only listed what you were giving.

 

HUGS

[LovingMe2]

thank you for your replies, very valid points.

 

I guess my question might have got a little lost in my long winded post. What I'm wondering is - can a person, a man in particular, pull himself out of an intimate relationship when his own life appears to be falling apart? When we first met and he had his job he would always want to pay for everything. Of course when he lost his job and had no money I paid for everything. When we first met, in fun I offered to take him on a date and his reply was "I don't want you paying for anything". I think he has old fashioned values when it comes to those sort of things. But of course things changed when he was without a job and then a home too. I know it happened very fast, I have learned a huge lesson from that, but we didn't choose the timing of him losing his job and needing somewhere to live. I was in a postion to offer him that place to stay while he found a job (which he did straight away) and got back on his own feet. I would hope someone would do that for me if I were ever in that position.

 

Yes I'm loving and giving but so is he, he just wasn't in a place to give much of anything at that time. He is still struggling to get it all together but at least he had that initial assistance/support/place to stay while he got going. He is doing it all on his own now, he just needed a start and I gave him that.

 

In the process I fell in love, I know almost everyone will say to accept the loss and walk away but I can't. I love him and I can't give up hope. At the very least I will try to be 'just friends'.

 

I know many men who judge how much of a man they are based on their earnings and their ability to provide for their family/wife/girlfriend etc. In his past relationships he seems to have showered, almost spoiled his girlfriends with fancy restaurants etc etc I'm asking ... is it possible that he was unable to be in a romantic intimate relationship with me because of how he felt about himself as a person and as a man? On top of all that he was told he has a bad heart!

 

I'm hoping for some male insight

[CatsMeeoow]

To specifically answer your question - Yes.

 

It happened to me. A guy I was very much in love with ended our relationship. He had too much stress going on - single father, loss income, struggling to find a job... very scary stuff. I was the easiest thing to cut loose. Hurt like hell... for like 2yr.

 

What I will tell you is that your question is completely irrelevant. Answering your question is completely irrelevant. The bottom line is he ended the relationship. Its over. Its not a place he wants to be and you are stuck feeling hurt and trying to analyze the situation in figuring out what needs fixed or if waiting will help. It won't. I know the hardest thing to accept is that he is rejecting you. But, you have to tell yourself its not personal but that he is not in a place to want you as a gf. Simple as that.

 

I wouldn't recommend trying to stay friends as you clearly have feelings for him. How much more would it hurt to see him date someone else?

 

You have to let this guy figure things out for himself and if he doesn't want you in the picture while he does it you have to respect that. You cannot fix him or wait for him as that is not what he is wanting you to do.

 

This is reality and its the truth. I've walked in your shoes.

 

Good Luck