Met up with Ex what was she thinking...

[donelly1]

I recently met up with my ex who broke up with me 3 months ago. We were together 2 years and I have done NC with her for about 2 months until now. We are both in our early 20's. I have made a lot of progress getting over her and I know that I probably shouldn't have seen her... I still missed her a lot though and wanted to see her.

 

The first day we met up it was a little strange but we basically just hung out as friends and it was really nice to see her. Even though we broke up 3 months ago we haven't seen each other for about 5 months cause it was kind of a long distance thing...

 

After the first night though I felt like we might have a chance to get back together. She was texting me all kinds of messages about how she missed me and how it was great to see me. She also held my hand and sat next to me in restaurants like how we did when we were together.

 

Yesterday we hung out again. We ended up making out and that night she came over to my place and we didn't go all the way but we fooled around a little and she was really wanting to cuddle.

 

So this is where things get confusing. From everything that I experienced I really thought that we were basically getting back together. We had a talk this morning about the relationship cause I asked her if she wanted to date again. I probably shouldn't have, but I felt like I needed a clear answer otherwise it was just a waste of time and although it felt like it was obvious she wanted to get back together I wanted to hear it from her.

 

I was really surprised when she answered my questions with "I don't know" She said she is just confused right now and since she got back from a year studing abroad just a few days ago and that she has been with me only a couple days that she couldn't answer the question.

 

The issues for the breakup we both agree are stupid and she said she wishes she could go back and change the past. She said the reason why she is unsure she wants to start a relationship is that she doesn't have the same feelings for me as before and she feels like she would always feel guilty about the break up if she was with me again and that becaues of that things would never be the same. She said that she is single now and that she really likes me and that's why she might wanna date again but right now it's just too soon.

 

I was stupid to say it but I told her "I would be interested in dating again, but that we would have to start over and forget and forgive about what happened in the past"

 

She wants to be friends and said maybe from that we could date but I don't know. I feel like it just kinda drags things out. She is now living in my city and doesn't have very many friends here because she has been away for a long time. She is living at her parents house and so I think she will want to hang out with me again...

 

I'm just not sure what to do. I really do love this girl and I saw myself marrying her one day. The past few weeks being broken up I feel even more so like she is really someone special. I just don't get it cause her actions of wanting to come to my place, be with me, and do things that people in relationships do are telling me one thing but her words are saying the opposite that she wants to just be friends...

 

I feel like the whole thing is just causing me unnecessary pain... If I could go back I would not have met up with her just because of how it just kinda brought everything back up again.

 

I'm not sure what to do? Maybe I should keep in touch and give her time or maybe I should just do a strict NC and never see her again. There are plenty of girls here but I am really in love with her still... it's stupid because I have been NC with her for about 2 months but I still think about her constantly. I didn't tell her how much I love her and miss her still, but that is how I feel...

[Yaz]

Stay away from her, she dumped you. If she wants you back she'll tell you in no uncertain terms.

 

She's playing with you. No contact.

[donelly1]

yeah I need to go NC again... I feel like maybe I have a chance to get back with her and that NC will be a nail in the coffin. Long term it probably is best but in the short term it's gonna be hard to ignore her...

[dramallama]

This is the reason why you shouldn't meet up with exes UNLESS - THEY ask to meet you, and they have made it clear that it is not as "friends" and that it is to dicuss the relationship, before you even bother meeting up. If they don't pass that test, then you don't waste your time and energy in meeting up. Simple. All it brings is an opportunity for you to read into "signals" that they want to be with you, and endless moments for you to analyse and dissect later. Occasionally do some dumpers want to meet up to reconcile? It can happen. But way more often than not, it's just to be friends or to catch up and it is YOU that is projecting your wants onto the situation. So you have to learn early on that you are the rule, not the exception.

 

If your ex is "confused", then it's a nice way of saying, "I don't want to be with you." Then that is your cue to say, "well, if you ever come out of this confusion and DO decide that you want to be with me in a relationship, then you know how to contact me. Otherwise, goodbye and goodluck." NOT to guilt trip them into coming back but so that YOU can move on and heal. If your ex doesn't have friends, that's her problem, not yours. Friends are everywhere. Let her find them. Because the minute you two became an item you were lovers first and then friends second, no matter how much you feel that you two are friends, you aren't. Because friends don't have the desire to want to be with the other person. Friends don't try to change that person's mind so they come back.

[dramallama]

yeah I need to go NC again... I feel like maybe I have a chance to get back with her and that NC will be a nail in the coffin. Long term it probably is best but in the short term it's gonna be hard to ignore her...

Actually staying in contact as "friends" is the nail in the coffin. People only appreciate something when it's well and truly gone. So disappear into thin air and delete her from facebook too.

[Ms Darcy]

Think about this for a second. You say

I really do love this girl and I saw myself marrying her one day. The past few weeks being broken up I feel even more so like she is really someone special.

while she says

she doesn't have the same feelings for me as before

 

If you strip everything down, it comes down to this. You two are in different places emotionally. You want waay more than her and she knows that. Her heart isn't there. If you had a buddy who was in love with an ex who did not love him back, what would you tell him to do?

[donelly1]

yeah true I think we are very much in different places emotionally.

 

To go back to what drama lama said too it was her idea to meet up. It was only because she said before that she wanted to get back together regretted her decision to break up and so on that I decided to meet her. The first day I said I couldn't cause I already had plans to do something else but eventually we met up. She acted in every way like we were in a relationship and really I think anyone having been in my shoes would have thought she wanted a relationship again, I even noticed she had a picture of us on her phone etc... Basically it was a huge surprise to me that she said she didn't know if she wanted to date.

 

yeah her heart definitely isn't in the same place as mine. She said she wants to be friends for awhile and see how things go but I need to drop of the face of the earth I think. I feel kinda like I am really messing up my chances by cutting her off but then again she has my email cell, and knows where I live so if she really needed to she could contact me. I already blocked her on facebook a long time ago and I will keep it that way.

[wilyone 11]

I think you did and said the right things so definitely don't beat yourself up about that. I wouldn't necessarily go NC but I wouldn't pursue her or try to change her mind. The time you spent together undoubtedly reawakened a lot of feelings on her end; just let her process them and realize how great you guys were together. You've told her what you want, let her come to you.

[donelly1]

This weekend I didn't end up hanging out with her. I really wanted to see her badly but I didn't try to meet up with her and met up with friends instead. Maybe I don't have to go NC but I have heard from a majority of people that it is best to wait it out and if we end up getting together it has to be her idea...

 

At this point I think the best course of action is to wait it out. It's a bummer cause I have a lot of thoughts about her now that we met each other. I guess this is probably what's happening to her too though... I talked with her just briefly today. I actually need her help cause she is a native speaker in the foreign country I am working in and I have to sort out some bank stuff. I was hesitant to ask her and asked a few friends of mine but none of them were able to this week. She said she could help me out so I might be meeting up with her in the next couple days...