Question for dumpees...I would like advice

[strawberryjell]

How did you get closure and successfully move on if you didn't know the reasons why your ex broke up with you? Also, for those of you whose exes found someone right away/and or left you for someone else, how did you find peace and stop worrying about the BU/relationship with ex? I'm having a lot of trouble getting all this completely off my mind.

[sada88]

My ex left me for someone else. I found peace when I gained enough distance from the relationship and realized that my ex is an ungrateful, unappreciative jerkwad that didn't know how great he had it with me. Also, he treated me like dirt a lot. Trust me, if I could list the things I did for him...most guys would never let me go...and I know this because every guy that have ended it with me...came back citing that they never found anyone else like me nor treated them as well as I did. Also helped when I found out he was spreading massive amounts of lies about me all over the place. I'm going to assume that if he treats his best friend (which I was) and his best girlfriend ever in this disgusting manner, he'll treat that woman no better. So...I'm good

[learning2relax]

Closure is a myth. It can only come from you. We have a tendency to want answers and justify it as "closure." However, once you get answers, and they set in, you only have more questions. It is a never ending cycle that is not productive, keeps you stuck and has you appearing clingy. Not good.

 

I haven't had the issue with an ex leaving me for another......I have gotten left for a myriad of other reasons. Then again, maybe there was someone else. If so, ignorance was bliss.

[strawberryjell]

I know that closure can only come from me, so I was wondering....how do I get closure for myself?

[flower888]

Closure is a myth. It can only come from you. We have a tendency to want answers and justify it as "closure." However, once you get answers, and they set in, you only have more questions. It is a never ending cycle that is not productive, keeps you stuck and has you appearing clingy. Not good.

 

I haven't had the issue with an ex leaving me for another......I have gotten left for a myriad of other reasons. Then again, maybe there was someone else. If so, ignorance was bliss.

learn2relax, i want to take the opportunity here to thank you. your post in another thread had calmed me today. i was panicking and thinking of reason to contact him. after reading your post, i woke up and would definitely continue my NC. i want to get over him.

[flower888]

when he doesn't show he cares for long enough, it won't be hard to conclude that he doesn't care anymore.

[Chuck Bartowsk]

L2R is correct, closure is a myth. It only comes with time and try to keep your mind on other things throughout the day. If you have a faith you follow, then do a lot of praying. It has helped me along with NC (goin on 2 months apart and 2 weeks NC).

[shiney]

...in a way that not receiving concrete reasons or explanations or closure is ironically very empowering.

 

It forces you to look within for healing and growth. I mean, sure it would be cleaner and quicker to deal with if you had a finite list of answers, but when that's not an option--try to change your perspective a bit and look at how strong you're getting because you've not been given what you desperately want, and yet, you're surviving and flourishing with out it. Keep on going on.

 

Also, what has helped me in these situations is to try to assume that the other has already started pursuing and is investing in another life without you. Also that they and more than likely heavily investing in another mate, or a series of mates since you. When you're ready you'll see that it would be sad and tragic for you to be at home focusing on closure when all along the other's presumed (even if just as a form of therapy) actions in their new life should be closure enough.

 

Finally, one other tidbit that has worked is to try to feel sympathy for that person in a sense for losing you. Also try to rejoice in the fact that you made this person better and more equipped to deal with life to live a hopefully more fulfilling and happy and rewarding life. You did a good thing, you tried your best, you helped that person be better...you're a better person for that.

[dramallama]

I know that closure can only come from me, so I was wondering....how do I get closure for myself?

You get closure by going NC forever and then when a lot of time has passed without being in touch, only THEN can you look back and accept what it was. Closure is not about having answers to questions that you have (and the discussion that a dumpee chases after a dumper for in the name of "closure" will only produce MORE questions anyway), closure is about being happy and learning from something and then you realise that you didn't NEED answers from your dumper.

 

Also, your dumper may not even know or be able to articulate the reason why they don't want to be with you- however, you must not take this as if your dumper's feelings are not valid because only THEY know themselves best. And even if they did know why they didn't want to be with you, they probably wouldn't tell you the reason anyway, which is why those cliche "it's not you, it's me" and "I just don't want a relationship right now" sayings are more popular than the dumper saying, "you are the most annoying person in the world" or "I don't want a relationship right now... or ever with YOU because I've got my eye on someone better."

[Carus]

My ex left me for someone else. I found peace when I gained enough distance from the relationship.....Trust me, if I could list the things I did for him...most guys would never let me go...

This is similar to what I went through....I find it interesting that I now find out that doing all you can for your partner seems to be counter productive in todays society. As a Man of course I want to be the provider and source of security for my family but, well, they keep leaving, so I will change my ways to see if it makes any difference. When I read Sada's post it made me realise that maybe it works both ways....Not sure becoz if I had a partner like that I think that I would have nothing but love and appreciation for that person*

 

As for the OP's post ~ My ex and my 'replacement' are still together today 2+ years out....The first 6-8 months were pure hell as I knew they were in the honeymoon stage and I was devastated. But these days I have reached acceptance which is sooo much better than that horrible initial denial stage and I can now know that, sure they're still together and I'm still alone, but the honeymoon stage would have waned long ago for them, and I can look forward to new love...someday*

 

It takes time and focus. Like Llama says, chasing the ex for answers and closure will only bring more questions and pain. By committing to a period of self reflection we can learn important lessons and gain strengths that will hopefully serve us well in our future relationships, both romantic and plutonic*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[hello678]

Sometimes they don't want to tell you.

 

But heres something else, (as this happened to me) they could tell you, but everything they say could be lies that they contradict a few weeks later. How does that give you closure? Does ANYTHING they say really matter?

 

I think most people know the reason for the relationship not working if they look deep inside themselves. So that is why they say, you bring your own closure.

 

Basically any reason they give you, will usually be contradicted within a few months anyway so what is the point? All you will do is question the reasons.

 

The problem is you not letting it go. When you let it go you will have your closure.

[Carus]

MTom makes a good post...

 

I got all the 'I miss you's and "He's just not you" statements, but the realities remain the same*

 

8-)

[sada88]

Thanks Carus I don't think appreciation + wanting to treat your s.o. in a very good manner is a typical of any gender but it is due to their personalities. I've met a lot of appreciative girls and a lot of appreciative guys but they only got to that way because they've been treated pretty badly with by their previous s.o's so when they finally found a good one, they refused to let go. Like, I thought my ex was a really good guy hence why I tried very hard with him. I think Carus you should continue to treat the person you are dating well...but at the same time, hold a piece a piece of it back. Never go in a full 100% but a good 70-80% is normally good. If a person so-called really loved you, they'll accept you...warts and all.

 

And to the OP, if you really want answers...wait a good couple of months and come back and ask. Maybe by the 3rd month when all the dust has settled and the heightened emotions have died down by then, you can ask. Asking right after a post break up is like going on a suicide mission and asking for them to be mean to you.

[Carus]

((Hugs)) Sada*

 

I wont be able to change my core values so thats ok, but I'll sure handle 'trouble in paradise' and breakups a lot differently from now on*

 

Back to you OP*

 

8-)

[thejigsup]

One of my exes left me for another woman. Ouch! She looked exactly like Christy Brinkley in her prime! I looked like the girl next door, cute, but no match for her! When I saw how besotted he was with her, I realized that I would have done the same thing as he did. So, we stayed friends and I wished them well. That was over 20 years ago and me and him are still friends and they are still lovers. It all worked out the way it was supposed to. I had a happy life not obsessing about him (after a little while) and he has had a happy life with her. I just talked to him yesterday and wished him a Happy 4th! Why be enemies? He is a very good friend and I found love again after him. So, it was a win/win because I decided to move on. It's hard, but sooo worth it!

[mad rabbits]

You gain closure when you start to value your own life, priorities, happiness and wellbeing over their opinion. When you stop seeking their validation. When their perspective is no longer a part of your own. Sad to say, when they fade completely and you just don't care anymore!

[little_buttercup]

How did you get closure and successfully move on if you didn't know the reasons why your ex broke up with you? Also, for those of you whose exes found someone right away/and or left you for someone else, how did you find peace and stop worrying about the BU/relationship with ex? I'm having a lot of trouble getting all this completely off my mind.

 

I'm still trying to move on, honestly. My ex gave two key reasons for our breakup and followed them up with vague references to other reasons. A few months later I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings and point of view. He and I were in touch a few times after that, with him being firm about not wanting us to be together anymore. In one message, he said it was basically up to me to figure out all the reasons for our breakup. He did not want to go into detail. I wasn't too thrilled about that because I felt that I had a right to know, but I tried getting through it by talking to my closest friends, doctor and counselor. After that, my ex and I were in low contact and on friendly terms.

 

Then this past May, I wished him a happy birthday and he wrote a cheerful response. So I was shocked when, three days later, he e-mailed to explain in detail why we broke up. I still don't know what prompted him to do it because I didn't ask him for any clarification. In his view, I was to blame for the breakup. He listed things I had no idea he'd had a problem with during our relationship, as well as things that were beyond my power to change. His condescending attitude throughout was really what made me not reply, though he expressed hope that we could "continue our friendship" when I was "truly ready." I admittedly feel betrayed by him, because he had been the love of my life and I had no idea he would treat me this way. He has been dating someone since last fall (so 5 months after our breakup) and according to him, they're breaking up soon since she is moving away.

 

Deep down, I know he is not for me. We have different lifestyles, different views on children and religion, he's commitment-phobic and self-destructive, we live too far apart, etc. I'm still emotionally bound to him and working on un-binding myself.

 

Here are some things that are currently helping me:

 

1) My friends. Especially my best friend. We talk almost every night. They brighten my life immensely.

 

2) My family. They too have been supportive.

 

3) My counselor and doctor. Two of the kindest and most empathetic people I've ever met. Objective and great listeners as well.

 

4) Writing. It's my passion and main outlet.

 

5) Praying. I had strayed from it for years, but after the breakup happened, I found myself praying more often. It's helped a lot in that I don't feel so alone.

 

6) Going on ENA, reading posts, providing support, and PM'ing with a friend.

 

7) Listening to music. Everyone has different tastes. Personally, I listen to (among others) Cowboy Mouth to cheer me up and Sarah McLachlan to calm me down. Someone posted a thread with song recommendations -- that's a good place to start if you're looking for music to listen to.

 

8) Setting new goals. I have to admit, when my ex and I were still a couple, he was my focus. I didn't care much about school or work, which was a mistake. Now I'm going back to school, with the goal being obtaining my degree. I'm putting my focus on achieving this goal and putting romantic relationships aside until I am truly ready. I'm also doing some volunteer work soon, which is exciting!

 

I honestly don't know how long it'll take for me to heal completely. I think it differs from person to person, and has a lot to do with how he/she handles the breakup and the aftermath. I feel very conflicted -- on one hand, part of me will always love my ex and wish him well; on the other, I haven't fully forgiven him for hurting me. So I'm still working on coming to terms with it all. I do know that being single is best for me right now. I used to rush into rebound relationships -- doing the opposite is a huge change, but a necessary one. I'm starting to realize that it's all right to be single, and that I can get a lot of good things from it. (More time, self-awareness, insights, etc.)

 

After getting that e-mail from my ex, I realized that talking to him is futile. It breaks my heart because I never thought we'd grow apart like this. But I just can't talk to him. It's hard to have any kind of relationship with someone who refuses to listen, and who is convinced he is right. And I know he doesn't want me back romantically. So I haven't talked or written to him at all. I struggle with his current relationship -- I have to keep reminding myself not to compare myself to his girlfriend. She is a totally different person, and her relationship with him is unique. There's no way to know every detail. It's a daily struggle but as long as I stay away from her Facebook page, I should be okay.

 

Hope this helps in some way. And if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM.