Time heals wounds, but not love

[uj2004]

Well, first post in a long time. Hey to all the old crew as well as those new.

 

So, 2.5 years on since my breakup, I thought it was time to delve into the thoughts and feelings, and hopefully give some advice to those newly broken up as well.

 

First off, while the sting has long since disappeared, the deep sorrow and hurt remain. Like my title suggests, I think if you truly loved the one you lost, you dont get over it with time, at least I haven't (still finding out how you totally get past it). I don't really know what it is to be 'over it'. Is it when you feel happy when dating another person? Is it when you no longer think about your ex, or do so much less? Is it when you can happily want the best for them and not feel a twinge at the thought of them sleeping with someone else, laughing with someone else, and loving someone else?

 

I think I did more healing in the first 12 months than since. I have probably regressed since that first year. Back then, I would hear from the ex every 4 months or so, with a random email (which consisted of a few words). Saw her once a year after the breakup, after deciding I wanted to know if the email she sent meant something. I have not seen her again, and wont. I last heard from her about 5 months after seeing her, June last year. I only ever initiated contact once, sending her a birthday card in January, which she ignored. Needless to say, I wont contact her again.

 

With more than a year passing since she has contacted me, I know that I will never hear from her again. Thats a hard thing to come to realise. It may be for the best, but you can never quite get your head around how you went from having it all with someone, to complete ignorance of one another. If you are new to your breakup and struggling with that notion, believe me, it never leaves you.

 

Do I still have genuine loving feelings for her? No. How could I, I have seen her once in the last 2.5 years. I don't believe you can love someone that basically doesn't exist anymore. You can miss them, but I don't think love can survive on memories alone. There needs to be a physical presence. As for the memories, they are still excruciating if I allow them to be. They don't seem to fade. That's perhaps the hardest part of the entire thing, that it all still feels like yesterday, not more than 2 years ago.

 

If I can stress one thing to someone reading this, its dont do what I have done, dont be like me this far on from your breakup. Its not worth it. They are certainly not worth it. Your ex may miss you, may not, but they are probably off having a much better time than you right now. I know that's harsh, but life is. The only solace I ever get is when there is someone new on the scene, that's the one thing that clears my ex out of my mind, albeit temporarily. Its a great feeling when it happens, just need to find someone that I actually want to be with. Took me 26 years the first time, god knows how long it will be till the next one!

 

Thanks for reading

[charity]

i hear ya! i think you are voicing here what so many people here on ENA absolutely fear, that they will still not be over their ex in 2and half years. my ex and i have been broken up for almost 2 years but we have children so its constant contact. like you i struggle to know if i am over him or not. i don't miss him, i don't pine for him and i don't think of him a lot, i don't feel sad. i am very happy by myself. however we are long distance and i absolutely DREAD meeting him again. i'm so afraid that all the old feelings will resurface, i'm afraid that all my hard healing work will be undone by his physical presence. someone on here once said that when we have a very hard time getting over someone it usually means that they were very physically attractive to us. i agree with that and sometimes when we skype i am thinking ' you're gorgeous' and that pisses me off.

 

sigh. well ug2004 i guess we have to give it more time. time has gotten us this far, i'm sure it will take us all the way if we let it.

[uj2004]

I certainly agree with the attraction thing, it makes it all the harder. Then again, I feel sorry for those that were with someone in the first place that they weren't attracted to.

 

I think still having the person in your life probably helps lessen the hurt (agreed?), where when its just all over in a heartbeat and you go your separate ways, with no friendship, its very tough to get your head around. Technically it should be easier when that situation occurs, because the source of your hurt is removed. But I have not found it to be the case, and often second guess my decision at the time of the breakup in saying I needed space. We, aside from a few emails, 1 call and 1 catch up, all many months after Id asked for that space, never spoke or became friends, and never will.

 

Sad.

[charity]

It is very sad. i think thats what people find so hard to deal with in breakups. one day best friends, next gone, NC. Its horrible.

at the beginning of my break up i would have done anything for NC. it really hurt having to talk to him and when he met someone else and i had to witness their relationship it killed me. i wished then that i could just cut him off and i envied anyone that could just cut all contact with their ex's. but time passed and i decided that for my own wellbeing and my kids well being that i would have to be mature and accepting that the love was not there for him anymore and he had chosen someone else. i forced myself to be strong and it worked. we now are somewhat friends and it feels good that i could 'get over myself' and accept that this is how it is. i sometimes tell myself that the love is still there for him but i guide it to be parental love(us working together as parents). all love can change. maybe your lost love could be that you still love her but now the love for her is one that taught you to value what one has when one has it, life experience love you know?

[uj2004]

Oh, very much so, it has taught me all I ever needed to know about love, and then some. I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.

 

Its interesting, in reading your last post, that you have had to deal with becoming friends and having to swallow to an extent whatever loving (romantic anyway) feelings you had for your ex. Maybe that's even tougher than anything I have had to go through, actually just being in a civil relationship with someone where you see, day to day, that they no longer love you and you are just another person they 'know', so to speak.

 

Maybe that's tougher than leaving when it was a relationship just ended and not having to watch it wind down into friendship.

[pat7x]

I like your post. I kinda feel the same way with my ex. Been together for five years, trully loved her, been broken up and in strict no contact for a little bit more than a year now. I believe I can honestly say that I do not love her anymore, like you mentionned, the physical part is missing. I also feel that I do not know the women she has become, we probably changed on our own so much, without sharing anything together. But once in a while, the bad feelings come back, the regrets of what we had, what we lost. I guess getting over a break up and moving on when losing a true loved one is just being able to live everyday and accept the pain that comes with it. I don't think the pain ever leaves, until you find someone else. In my case, it comes back 2-5 days during a month, and then I'll be fine for a couple of weeks. But I seem to understand that it is normal now, that it hurts sometimes and that it will be fine tomorrow.

 

You can't help but think if that person thinks of you the same way sometimes, even if you know in your heart that what you had together is gone, and won't ever come back. Will I ever find true love again. I hope so, but perhaps not, and I think I can live with that thought, it just makes me sad, because when I had it, I just didn't think it would be possible to lose it, I don't think I realised how special it was, how it all felt...

 

Stay strong bro! All the best, you deserve it

[Carus]

2.5 years out here....She is still with my 'replacement'....

 

As hard as it is to read a thread like this (especially for newbies), I think it is important to recognize that these wounds can indeed take a long time to heal. I feel the same way but I have avoided posting it becoz I didn't want to 'scare' newbies into thinking "Oh god, this will never end"....

 

But it wont be like this for everyone...

 

I think it depends on the depth of love you had, the way it ended and the actual make up of the person going through it*

 

After some time I found solace in Wikipedia and reading stories of people who had still acheived great things despite terrible pain, heartbreak or disability.

 

This seems to be me these days. I just live with the pain and push on through.....

 

So I agree with Charity*...All we can do is give it more time, keep walking and hopefully one day we will be truly healed and even in another, even better, loving relationship*

 

And again, take heart people, this wont happen to everyone....I've seen people healed up and moved on within weeks/months...

 

Best Of Luck to Us All.

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[cjones22]

Glad you posted this. I've had my own fears of wondering if I will ever "get over" it. My break up was 1 year ago. This may sound fairy tale but I wonder if we will always feel this way UNTIL the day we find someone else we fall in love with as much if not more than our ex? We just haven't found that person who will make us not long for the past. Maybe that feel of regret and missing them will then disappear? Wishful thinking, but it helps me cope hehe. Anyone who comes to this site has been hurt or is still hurting, so on an optomistic note I'm gonna go with Mr/Mrs right just hasn't come around yet.

[Carus]

Hi CJ*,

 

I agree that we need to be 'happy' by ourselves as all the experts will tell you....and sure I see the logic in it...

 

So maybe we get to a place where we are happy enough...like content....and then when we meet somebody new (Mr/Mrs Next) that will complete the puzzle...

 

I'm content enough and never again will I 'rely' on someone for my happiness or place my happiness in their hands, but it'd be nice to start again with someone....If that never happens then so be it .....ego requiro meus uxor*

 

Being replaced and forced into solitude is harsh*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[uj2004]

 

You can't help but think if that person thinks of you the same way sometimes, even if you know in your heart that what you had together is gone, and won't ever come back. Will I ever find true love again. I hope so, but perhaps not, and I think I can live with that thought, it just makes me sad, because when I had it, I just didn't think it would be possible to lose it, I don't think I realised how special it was, how it all felt...

 

Stay strong bro! All the best, you deserve it

 

Impeccably written, actually brought a tear to the eye relating the above to myself. Its amazing the heights of emotion that can be conjured up when love is the subject. I agree with the rest too, we probably do just have to accept it until we find someone that doesn't take their place, but takes us in a new direction, and allows us to view our ex as a happy memory, not a debilitating one.

[charity]

i feel very happy and don't miss my ex but i still have a form of love for him and he is still the last guy i have been with intimately. i would LOVE to get over him completely without any other guy entering the picture. but sometimes i think that until i meet someone new i have deep feelings for, i will still feel like i have feelings for the ex. and to be honest that really disturbs me. i wanna get over him because I'M OVER HIM', not because someone came along and replaced him. that just seems like i am NEEDING someone to be in love with you know?

[Carus]

Good to hear Charity*

 

I feel the same and agree with your post*

 

I like this one:

i wanna get over him because I'M OVER HIM'

Ever Forward

8-)

[uj2004]

not because someone came along and replaced him. that just seems like i am NEEDING someone to be in love with you know?

 

Its probably more the fact that if what you had was special, it will be near impossible to happily be single, without feeling like you need love. Truth is, you do need the sort of love that you lost, or you wouldn't be here. Its a good thing, that someone was so special and you loved them so much that they messed you up upon leaving, and until you find something equally special, the hollow feeling will be there.

[charity]

Its probably more the fact that if what you had was special, it will be near impossible to happily be single, without feeling like you need love. Truth is, you do need the sort of love that you lost, or you wouldn't be here. Its a good thing, that someone was so special and you loved them so much that they messed you up upon leaving, and until you find something equally special, the hollow feeling will be there.

 

 

thanks. thing is that

 

is wasn't a great relationship and it certainly wasn't healthy. we had our great times of course but to be honest that was when we were hiding all the problems.i was quite attached and addicted to him. thats why i wanna get over him by myself. i have done some major changing and growing since then and part of that is being complete by myself before i move on. i'm almost there i think in tems of being complete but then sometimes we talk and i get butterflies and i think 'oh * * * * e'.those feelings aren't dead yet. indifference where are you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111

[uj2004]

. i'm almost there i think in tems of being complete but then sometimes we talk and i get butterflies and i think 'oh * * * * e'.those feelings aren't dead yet. indifference where are you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111

 

I guess I am lucky to be at the indifference stage, and for a while now, even if my heart doesn't want to believe it. The one and only time I saw my ex after we split, about a year after, I felt nothing. It was strange, no physical attraction whatsoever. Yes, there were a few tiny signs of the connection we used to have as we talked and even shared a few laughs, but it wasn't the same. Just two strangers in the night (even if it was day...!).

 

You would read this and wonder why I still think of her...cutting that final cord is hard.

[stevef20]

Nice post my friend,

 

Mayde me sob becuase its so very true, im not 2.5 years in but i am nearly 7 months and yes everyday i still hurt and miss her.

 

Thanks for posting

[dolorosa]

First time I cried reading a post, when you said it took you 26 years to feel that way, I never experienced "love" before and I am 31. I might never feel the same, or perhaps I could if I allow myself but I will have the memories made with my ex haunting me for a very long time.

[tujna]

Soon to be 2 years here (in about 2 months).

 

The hurt has not gone completely, neither has the love (7 years together). I miss everything (almost) about us. Even though I met someone else for who I had pretty strong feeling, I was not able to completely let it go. I am also very concerned that I will never find something as good as I had with him.

 

The worst part is that I am not sure I want to leave it in the past. If I meet someone, I will give a chance but I am scared because this will mean that I am letting him go forever and I am not sure I am ready to do that just yet.

[lalalollipops]

I don't think I could ever truly completely get over a special someone. He was the only guy that ever affected me. 5 years from now, I'll still hold love for him. Might not be as active, but will still be there =(