New to boards, just broke up with BF of 1.5 years

[Escargot]

Hello,

I broke up with my BF of 1 1/2 years yesterday, and asked him today for a period of no communication ("let's take a break from talking while we're both so upset"). I had been in breakup limbo for a week, and (accurately) he told me yesterday I was an emotional roller coaster -- hence the NC. It's really hard being the dumper beause I love that man so much. The problem is that the relationship is horribly lopsided at this point, and I'm literally at my breaking point.

 

In the 1 1/2 years we've dated, he's never told me he loved me, aside from one conversation in February where I voiced that my needs weren't being met, and that I needed a mutually loving relationship. I told him then that I loved him but was afraid to mention it because I feared it wasn't reciprocated, and he said then "I know I don't express it, but I do love you." At the time, I thought we had overcome that hurdle, but the L word was never mentioned again -- and that was 4 months ago. Then this past Saturday, in the throes of trying to decide if this relationship is worth saving, I asked him again if he loved me. I had mentioned a couple of times very recently that I had always wanted a mutually loving relationship, and lately I was feeling especially taken for granted and not valued. His response was something like, "I do feel that for you (never mentioning the L word) but I can't say the words. It's been a long time for me, and it's not something I can say." This in an angry voice, nothing loving and soothing. I told him yesterday that I felt that him not being able to say the words were because he didn't geniunely feel like he loved me, and he got mad at me saying I didn't listen to what he said (on Saturday). But it sounded like a cop out (not being able to say the words, but yet you love me is a weak position at best). I told him I felt like I was being rejected. He said it isn't rejection. But I still think it is.

 

But the bigger context...the last two months he has been the classic case of a guy who's lost interest. We are both single parents (both having shared custody with our ex's) and the schedule's always been a bit of a challenge. Still, for at least 15 months we managed to see each other on an average of 3 times per two weeks. The last two months, he's suddenly gotten busy with projects, visiting family members, and kid schedule conflicts so that our average has fallen to about 1/2 the norm (or, 3 times a month). We don't live that far from each other (20 miles), and the notion of a lunch date never crosses his mind (I've suggested, but he's too busy). Then, the quality of our time together has gotten worse. It used to be we'd plan elaborate meals if we're staying in, and the occasional dinner out. But now it's boring food or a fast food pick up, or getting together after normal dinner hours and not eating together at all.

 

While my friends and family have known him for over a year now as my BF, I've only met his daughters twice "as his work friend" (we don't work together). I've never met his family. I wasn't invited over when his sister's family was in town for a week. I wasn't invited over when his best friend was in town. I'm is "super secret GF" as I call it with increasing resentment.

 

He seems to be very attached to my coming over, and he'll call me every day or every other day and I know his day to day stories. He says I'm his best friend (though he hasn't said this in a couple of months), and he says he appreciates my insight and advice (which I feel he's genuine).

 

But I can't get past the recent lack of interest, and MOST ESPECIALLY that after 1 1/2 years he can't say I Love You. And honestly, he does't show me he loves me either. I get very few compliments (more teasing than compliments, until I protested loudly and all that stopped). No gifts or sweet gestures (I was even forgotten on Christmas, that stung and still does).

 

He doesn't seem to be fighting this breakup very strongly. I wish he did. But I hate to think it yet I suspect it...he's been a jerk lately hoping I'd do the dirty work of breaking up.

 

Anyhoo, that's my story. I'm going NC because I know every day of NC is one day closer to healing. Continuing the dialogue will only delay the inevitable.

 

Esgargot.

[DN]

I am not clear if you told him that you loved him or were waiting for him to do it?

[Escargot]

Yes, I told him I love him in February. I didn't bring it up (because of his response to it) until about a month ago when I prefaced it by saying "I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but I do love you." It was met with silence. And then I've mentioned it several times in the last week in the course of my trying to decide if this relationship is worth saving.

[sadchick83]

Tough situation.....you did the dumping, but it was the result of his passive actions. I was in a similar situation....went out for over a year, we lived together, but his schedule was getting in the way of doing anything together other than being "roommates." He, too, only he told me once that he loved me, and it was only because I questioned if he still wanted to continue our relationship. Although I met his family, the two birthdays he had during our relationship were spent with his friends. For the first year, he went out with his friends and I wasn't invited, for the 2nd we had got in a fight and he went off with his friends again....similar to your Christmas issue.

 

It sounds like you had a certain standard with regards to seeing each other, which has now dwindled. I dont know if I could accept a guy who hid me, which is why I changed the locks on my house after the 2nd birthday in a row after being snubbed.

 

It seems like you are quite level-headed. Going NC for a while sounds like a good idea. You need to love yourself first and if your needs are not being met, cool off for a while.

 

There are lots of people on this site with a ton of knowledge and can advise you what to do while maintaining your self respect.

 

Good luck with the next few days/weeks.

[Escargot]

Sadchick: Thank you for the post. Passive. Ah ha! Yes, that's what he's doing. I could add, he was horribly unhappy in his marriage and yet she divorced him. I wonder if his divorce was the result of his passive actions, too. He's been divorced for 7 years BTW.

[sadchick83]

Passive? Selfish? You are doing the right thing by taking a break to revisit everything. Don't be surprised if he doesn't "fight" for the relationship for now. It is frustrating to be non chalant about this..give it a bit of time.

[hazelnut321]

Wow Escargot- Our stories are similar, aren't they?? Feel free to PM me.

 

I agree with sadchick83, Nonchalance is the perfect thing for you to do when he calls. He sounds pretty good at nonchalance himself. Do you really want this guy? It's one thing to love them, but it's quite another to be able to live with them. That's what I'm exploring with my situation- Jorge's parenting style in VERY different from mine and I don't know how to bite my tongue sometimes. My child is 25- his are 13 and 16. Is this really what I want?? I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't....

[Escargot]

Wow Escargot- Our stories are similar, aren't they?? Feel free to PM me.

 

I agree with sadchick83, Nonchalance is the perfect thing for you to do when he calls. He sounds pretty good at nonchalance himself. Do you really want this guy? It's one thing to love them, but it's quite another to be able to live with them. That's what I'm exploring with my situation- Jorge's parenting style in VERY different from mine and I don't know how to bite my tongue sometimes. My child is 25- his are 13 and 16. Is this really what I want?? I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't....

 

Okay, I'm going with the nonchalence thing. But it reminds me back when we had corded phones (Hazel, I'm fortysomething so I remember those days) and you'd sit by the phone waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I tell my kids that "back in the day" there weren't cell phones, or cordless phones, or voicemail, or caller ID and they fall over in fits of laughter and shock. (Sigh). And I should add, it's hard to be nonchalent when you've been sitting in the house all day waiting for the phone to ring! But seriously my point is that I'm just going to have to stay busy enough so that nonchalence is almost real (instead of an acting job).

 

I didn't mention my ex's good qualities (for reasons of self preservation) but we are a great match in so many ways -- religion, outlook on life, political leanings, parenting styles, etc. The only mismatch is that I think he's overly cheap and will haggle for $5 and that his procrastination would drive anyone insane (and I'm a pretty laid back sort of gal).

 

I follow your issue with Jorge's parenting style and I can see how frustrating that can be, especially since he's got kids who need extra attention at the moment. But actually my ex has got to be the best dad I've ever personally encountered, certainly the best dad I've ever dated. So I'll give credit where credit's due.