Why I defriended you on Facebook

[dabbledave]

My ex emailed to ask "Why did you defriend me on FB?"

 

I've drafted the following reply, which I haven't sent:

 

You have have insulted me deeply many times in our relationship and never apologised for it; from small things like calling me tight-assed or spoiled to bigger things like asking for space so that you can chase romantic opportunities with colleagues and/or exes, or accepting my ring but then saying "nothing has changed". All hurtful. You have even physically lashed out at me, punched me in the head and slapped me; given me headaches by the viciousness of some of those strikes. And in hindsight I responded to all of that abuse in a classic passive aggressive fashion (sullen, sarcastic, etc). I should have walked out for good last time (soon after returning from XXXXX), but in remembering the good times we've shared I always came back.

 

But all of that pain added up goes nowhere near the HURT you inflicted upon me for the very last time. I think I'm still in shock because the implications of it still haven't sunk in. I haven't even cried yet. Can you believe it? I don't have the heart to cry, because I think you shattered it. After all we've been through, after I dropped everything to accommodate your dream move to XXXXXX, after a tough four weeks--before our cargo even arrived!--you are happy to discard me. You didn't even want to try to work things out for the better; to rekindle the reasons why we were together in the first place. You simply twice said you were "never going back". Given that I was in a new place, no friends, no family, no colleagues, no home, already depressed (manifested in passive aggressive behaviour), and trying to quit my nicotine addiction ...

 

That cool rejection is the worst thing ANYONE has ever done to me.

 

You get to live your dream. I find myself in my worst nightmare.

 

If the roles were reversed would you want to be friends? Would you want to be reminded constantly about the source of your pain?

 

I'm stronger than you give me credit for. I'll work through this and be an even better man. Maybe one day you'll regret how you treated me. I don't know. And it doesn't matter. You don't deserve me.

[dramallama]

Don't send it. Keep a dignified silence. If she was so bad to you (or even if she wasn't) it is none of her business why you deleted her. Don't create more drama from this. It will just pull you in. It also shows that you are still hurting - do you really want her to know that? As much as you want to tell all this to her, let your ACTIONS and your silence do the talking. It's the most impactful statement you can make, and you will look back and be glad that you didn't say anything.

[dabbledave]

Thanks for the confirmation! I'll delete the draft.

 

I've only slightly exaggerated my experience (the physical pain part); the emotional hurt's all true.

 

DD

[sfindependent]

you can keep it simple if you ever do want to send an email "i need sometime to gather my thoughts and move on. this will be best for me. I wish you yours."

[Yaz]

Do not send

[RedDress]

I agree. Don't do it.

 

If you really MUST reply, simply say something along the lines of "I don't think it's necessary right now".

 

If you reply, she will want to defend herself. Then you will want to reply. Then she will reply. This arguing will go on forever and make it worse. It won't actually resolve anything. You won't make her feel bad, either.

 

Silence is best. Short and unemotional is second-best. What you wrote? Can of worms.

[dramallama]

It's ok to feel pain. Start writing a pen and paper journal for the time being. However, with her, keep a dignified silence so she wouldn't know what you are up to. You could be having the time of your life, or you could be crying each night, and even if the latter is more likely, the point is, SHE doesn't have to know that. Just don't respond at all. Your silence will tell her that it's not something that she needs to know.

 

Take the time to make your facebook as strict as possible (so that people that are NOT your friends can only see ONE profile picture and your names. That's it.) Make it so that only your friends can send you messages. If you keep checking her page, block her.

[dabbledave]

Thanks for the confirmations guys. Appreciated. I have deleted the draft.

 

It felt good to write the draft though; but it feels even better to have the self-control (bolstered by you good people) to not send it.

[diamond78]

She's an Ex, so why does she feel you would keep her as a friend on facebook??

 

If it were me, I would either just not reply or simply say, "Since we have broken up, that chapter of my life is over..." Or something along those lines.

I wouldn't go into a big speech as even if the relationship was decent, it's just common sense/practice that you would delete someone you broke up with...

[Oasiswater]

That's an awesome email that you've written. I love it. It punches straight to the gut and tells of all the trouble you've been through!

 

But don't send it. She'll use it as leverage to either a) defend herself and interrogate you some more, or b) spin it around and attack you as defense. Either way it'll lead to you starting communication with her, and you two talking again. I know you said a lot of things in your email that will hurt her feelings, and I know that probably feels good at the moment... but if that's what you want to do, it'll hurt her even more to realize that she's not even worth your time replying to.

[Mustachio]

Well written. And I bet it felt pretty good to get that all out. Also good job deleting it, you dont want to send those. I wrote tons of things like that after my ex left me, but never sent them, yet i kept writing them.

 

Either way, if you must respond, keep it short and simple and inform her of as little emotion as possible.

[Yaz]

Why did you defriend me?

 

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND A-HOLE!

[Good Arms]

She sounds like an insensitive idiot for even needing to question why you defriended her.

 

Don't worry about feeling you owe her an explanation, you really don't.

[mad rabbits]

I actually really liked your email and I can totally empathise however DON"T send it.

 

If she was so bad to you (or even if she wasn't) it is none of her business why you deleted her.

 

Drama is right but i will go further still and offer a bitter pill to swallow - but maybe necessary to accept if you want to move on: if she treated you like that she never cared anyway, therefore any messages you send her or answers you offer to her dumb ass questions aren't going to make a lick of difference to her anyway. The impact you hope to make will not eventuate because she isn't (and was never) listening.

[dabbledave]

Thanks people,

 

Another day, another city on this back-packing trip from hell. On the train this morning I drafted another reply to her question about why I de-friended her. Again, I haven't sent it. I'm strongly tempted, because it offers closure for her and for me.

 

A bit of background. We have been on LC due to logistical issues surrounding my clothes and property in shipping containers. The boxes are due to be delivered at her new place in another month's time! Needless to day that literal baggage is holding me back from both employing full NC and going back home to friends and family.

 

Thus if she were to respond negatively to the offer laid down in this draft -- which I fully expect she will -- then I would disappear from her life. I would go strict NC, write off all my stuff, and travel off into the sunset with only my backpack and my laptop. I would not return, even to pick up my stuff.

 

If she answers positively it will be one last roll of the dice for our relationship.

 

Here it is:

 

 

I will be honest with you. I de-friended you on Facebook because I am hurting as much as I have ever hurt. You (and the promise of “us” are the source of my pain.

 

In addition to de-friending you on Facebook, I also deleted your contact from Skype, and removed you from my Gmail chat list. I did all that not because I hate you. I did those things because I love you and I need to move on. Constant reminders of failure inhibit healing.

 

My problem is that for too long I have let “us” define who I am. At the same time I’m stronger than perhaps you give me credit for. Despite the risk of further damage to my broken heart, I would be willing to give us one last shot before walking away forever.

 

I literally have nothing to lose here: no job, no friends, no family, no home. The only thing I will lose when I get on the plane back to XXXXX is a future with you.

 

Right now it looks like I’ve lost that already.

 

But I'm willing to give us a final chance if you think we are worth it.

 

I cherish the good times we had. We found a level of comfort with each other that I’ve never experienced with another person. Unfortunately we started to take each other for granted. And then we started to lose faith in each other for many different reasons.

 

Every relationship goes through bad patches. Successful partnerships such as our parents’ require a bit of hard work sometimes, and lots of tender loving care most of the time.

 

If you think we are worth fighting for one last time, this is what I suggest we do:

 

• Forgive each other for past hurts – absolve each other from the responsibility, blame, and guilt for past break-ups; the sources of past arguments; the stupid words said in stressful situations; joking words taken out of context; the physical and emotional violence; the insults and rejections. Try not to raise them again in future disagreements.

 

• Consciously work with each other on intimacy and communication – dedicate time each day to talk and to listen; to tell each other exactly what we think. And remind each other why it’s important to do so. By this we have a chance to better understand each other’s insecurities and find appropriate ways to support, encourage, and love each other.

 

This is the very last chance to salvage us.

 

If you don’t think we are worth it, say so boldly and unambiguously. Don’t be afraid of telling your truth. If you decide there will be no more “us”, take my suggestions and apply them in your next relationship. And then forget about me.

 

If you want to have one last go. A real heart-felt attempt at reigniting our relationship, let me know and I will start coming home; to where my heart is; to you.

 

Take your time. But please let your answer be the truth.

[hello678]

Never ever ever ever ever ever spill your guts to an ex regardless of what you are feeling.

 

Its hard because you are so used to telling them everything, but now trust me your best weapon is silence. Stay away, don't care, don't be interested but most importantly don't react.

 

Even if you are the dumpee the thoughts that plague your mind will also plague theirs.

 

I would reply, something along the lines of "We've broken up, this is best so we can move on" and leave it be.

[hello678]

Ugh NO DO NOT SEND THAT VIA EMAIL.

 

I'm sorry but that sounds ridiculously long even for me.

 

A short "i would like you to reconcider" text is all you need if you must.

[Carus]

Sorry DD*....As much as I know you want to send that, I have to agree with the others and vote No!

 

I'll add another reason to the ones already listed above: It will justify her descision to break up with you....

 

I don't really want to get into the psychology of why, but I'm sure you can work it out....

 

Mate you are in one of the worst situations I've read here and she has asked you a direct question, but again I agree that any reply should just be a short "I think it's best for now" .....You'll probably find that more empowering than what you've drafted in the long run anyway...

 

Sending You Strength.

Travel Safe.

Carus* 8-)

[hello678]

I agree, that the second someone inside or outside a relationship starts to act extremely needy it validates the other persons view that they don't have alot of value.

 

I'm not sure why this is, as someone needing me is actually a good thing to me. But people think differently.

 

To me that letter you wrote is the most love sick overthought excuse of something ive ever heard. Also you are being very PASSIVE. Stop being passive.

 

Id take a week more NC to work out what you should do. And send her a text saying "I think we can work out our differences and breaking up was a bad idea, lets give it another try"

 

I dont know the circumstances, but that sure sounds alot better than 1000 words of love sick email to me.

[Carus]

I'm not sure why this is, as someone needing me is actually a good thing to me. But people think differently.

Well I'm the same....Being 'needed' (or shall we say 'relied upon' lol) gives me a sense of validation I guess. A sense of self worth and belonging. Contribution and all that jazz...

 

But when a person is trying to leave, the last thing they want to do is to feel like they need you...it scares them....And even worse, that you need them...it repels them...

 

Me and MTom are here on deck mate and I hope we've helped to talk you down from it...In the long run you will come to see why we agree on this and be glad you didnt send it....

 

....it will do more harm than good....to both you and her....

 

Stay Strong

Carus* 8-)

[mad rabbits]

Your first draft was better but don't send either of them! You have swung from the extremes of a big f-you, to wimpytown - what you need here is balance and preferably...SILENCE.

[mad rabbits]

Actually on second thoughts I like Yaz's succinct and true response, but maybe drop the a-hole so it just reads "because you are not my friend"

[dabbledave]

You are all right of course.

 

This is a battle between my heart and my head.

 

My head says: "Clear out! Forget her! Go find a new life!"

 

My heart says: "It ain't fair. It's not possible she really wants to break up. That's not the person I fell for. Surely this is a big mistake and misunderstanding."

 

The first draft was head-centric, the second was heart-driven. I haven't sent either. I'm glad you guys are able to give me perspective.

 

I'm travelling around this strange continent visiting new places. I'm burning up my backpackers' budget. Happily single, I'd be lapping up this experience.

 

But I can't enjoy myself because of the war being waged between my heart and my head.

 

I feel lost and truly alone. Thanks for listening peops!

[dramallama]

That's why you need to stick with silence and NC - so that your heart has time to catch up with your head. Telling her that she should reconsider is un-necessary. If SHE changes her mind, she is more than capable of getting in contact with you and letting you know.

[hello678]

I agree. After a few weeks no contact you literally won't want to even talk to her.

 

I still swing from love to hate a bit. But not as badly. Also it doesn't make any difference because she has no idea what i'm swinging too because I don't speak to her...