5 years together - he thinks of me as 'trash'

[LazyDaisy]

Hi ENA. I'm feeling as down as I possibly can right now. I was with a man for 5 years. It was rocky, but always improving. As we were getting older, and his kids were getting older and on their own it got much better.

 

I did everything I could to be a good girlfriend. We always hung out at my house, never his. I always made sure it was clean and stocked with food and alcohol. He never had to worry about his house. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but I am a single mom of a 6 year old, I have 2 cats and a dog and a demanding job and no one helps me with my house.

 

We always did whatever he wanted with our time off and I never complained. I never asked anything of him.

 

I would always buy him nice gifts, and always had his family over here. He just turned 50 and I threw a huge party for him. Cost me a couple thousand for everything not to mention the work before and after.

 

We got into an argument the other night because I didn't want to kiss him, he smokes I don't. He had been smoking and drinking heavily and his breath smelled so bad. I kept turning my head and he didn't get the hint and kept trying to kiss me so finally I said' hun, your breath smells like dog poo" Well he stormed out and when I tried to stop him it got physical. He pushed me and I really hurt by back.

He told me to go find someone else that doesn't smoke. He stormed out and said he was never coming back. So I texted him the next day and asked him to please return the key he has to my house. He put it in my mailbox with a crushed up can of beer. I guess that is how he thinks of me, as a trash can.

 

I live in a town where there is a lot of trashy people. I'm trying to get out but that is another story. I never thought of myself as trashy. I have an MBA, I have a good career. I go to the gym regularly. I don't hang out with trashy people. I am financially secure, I never miss work. I keep my house and yard really nice. I don't do drugs, I don't have a criminal record. I can't believe that someone I loved and was good to for so many years thinks I am trash, just because I said he had bad breath. I am so sad that someone i cared about could treat me that way. I am feeling very depressed over this. How can people be so cruel?

[hexaemeron]

I think the question you should really be asking is that if you're so stable, successful and confident, why on earth are you trying to move heaven and earth to spoil someone into staying with you? Especially someone who clearly doesn't remotely deserve it.

[NightLily]

Wow um. Talk about unstable? I would take the smashed up beer can as a sign that he sees you as trash but maybe more of a sign of anger. He also sounds like he drinks too much. I mean, this guy is 50.. not some 18 year old that just got to college and is going a little wild. I'm sorry you are going through this and it doesn't sound like he deserved all of the attention you were showering on him.

[hrtlsngl7]

Dang....soooo your single now huh Lazy Daisy *wink* kidding. Despite the kid, you're a dreamgirl Lazy and he was a drunken loser. Get out of the gutter baby. Their are TONS of good men out there. You were pooring your heart into a black hole. STOP IT. Find some1 worth your time. Try the net. Try plenty of fish and OKCupid free sites.

[LazyDaisy]

Hex, you always post mean posts that aren't at all helpful.

 

I do not move heaven and earth to try to get him to stay with me. I treat him good, like I would like to be treated. I thought that is what relationships are about. I'm just trying to understand why 5 years of me being the best GF I can be and then one bad night and he talks to me like I am garbage and leaves garbage in my mailbox, as a symbol that he thinks of me as garbage. I don't understand how someone can turn like that. It just makes me feel really sad, like it was all for nothing.

[tresqua]

I'm seeing the crushed up beer can as him being openly hostile, nothing more than that.

 

Although I gotta agree with him on one point. You oughta go find someone who doesn't smoke. Their breath IS disgusting.

 

I don't know how you put up with it so long. Just wait til you kiss a guy who doesn't smoke you'll think you're in heaven, assuming he knows how to use his tongue and doesn't smash his teeth against yours.

[NightLily]

I think the question you should really be asking is that if you're so stable, successful and confident, why on earth are you trying to move heaven and earth to spoil someone into staying with you? Especially someone who clearly doesn't remotely deserve it.

 

This is a good question. One I wonder about sometimes..

 

To me it sounds like you want to do everything right. You want to be a nice person who treats others how you want to be treated. You maybe also want people to think well of you and are sensitive to that. What you have to remember though is that you can still be kind to everybody but not every guy deserves your heart and dedication. I often fall into the trap of trying so hard to make sure I am doing the right think and treating other people well that I don't stop to analyze just how well they are treating me. I think it has a little bit to do with being raised to think doing stuff for your own pleasure or being selfish is bad. Now though I think it is good to be a little selfish and as a single mom you deserve a relationship that supports you as well.

[hexaemeron]

Hex, you always post mean posts that aren't at all helpful.

 

I do not move heaven and earth to try to get him to stay with me. I treat him good, like I would like to be treated. I thought that is what relationships are about. I'm just trying to understand why 5 years of me being the best GF I can be and then one bad night and he talks to me like I am garbage and leaves garbage in my mailbox, as a symbol that he thinks of me as garbage. I don't understand how someone can turn like that. It just makes me feel really sad, like it was all for nothing.

 

Uh, no disrespect, but that's not mean. Remotely. At all. It's a legitimate question you should be asking yourself. By all accounts, you sound like an amazing woman who invested so heavily into a relationship with a man who doesn't remotely sound like he's worth 1/10 of your effort. I'm not trying to antagonize you. I'm trying to help you see that maybe this could be the start of a new level of self-awareness for you so that situations like this won't happen again, that's all.

[annie24]

he sounds like an ass. you are better off. i think that the beer can shows that he's a drunk and a jerk, not that you are trash.

[LazyDaisy]

Wow um. Talk about unstable? I would take the smashed up beer can as a sign that he sees you as trash but maybe more of a sign of anger. He also sounds like he drinks too much. I mean, this guy is 50.. not some 18 year old that just got to college and is going a little wild. I'm sorry you are going through this and it doesn't sound like he deserved all of the attention you were showering on him.

 

I think it was his way of saying " i think you are trash". that's how it made me feel anyway. Yes, he drinks way too much. So do I, so do most of my friends and my family. I guess its normal for me. I would like to cut back, and when I am alone, I never drink much. Only with him or my friends. It was a holiday weekend so he was drinking especially heavy.

[LazyDaisy]

Uh, no disrespect, but that's not mean. Remotely. At all. It's a legitimate question you should be asking yourself. By all accounts, you sound like an amazing woman who invested so heavily into a relationship with a man who doesn't remotely sound like he's worth 1/10 of your effort. I'm not trying to antagonize you. I'm trying to help you see that maybe this could be the start of a new level of self-awareness for you so that situations like this won't happen again, that's all.

 

Ok, maybe I take you the wrong way sometimes. I don't know why i put up with many of the things he does. I think good men are hard to find and I try to look at the good in him and ignore the negative. Sometimes he really hurts me in a way that I can't overlook.

[LazyDaisy]

he sounds like an ass. you are better off. i think that the beer can shows that he's a drunk and a jerk, not that you are trash.

 

In any case it was extremely immature. I felt like taking my recycling bin of all his empties and driving it over to his house and emptying on his lawn. But I didn't!

[catfeeder]

My first impression is that the can represents HIM. Is that really who you'd want to invest another minute to be with?

 

Think of your 6 year old and question whether this is the man you want in your life as a model of how adults treat one another. I'd skip that. Throw the can into a recycle bin and consider it a metaphor. You deserve better than an abusive drunk--don't you?

[hexaemeron]

Ok, maybe I take you the wrong way sometimes. I don't know why i put up with many of the things he does. I think good men are hard to find and I try to look at the good in him and ignore the negative. Sometimes he really hurts me in a way that I can't overlook.

 

Bingo. You're admitting you're settling. You've resigned yourself to being treated this way. You need to set your aim a bit higher, methinks.

[Vitality]

How long ago did he leave? I would never expect someone of his age to act like he has. You treat him well, look after him and allow him to practically live with you. If you really want him in your life, I wouldn't worry about it because I don't see any reason why he wouldn't come back. He went off on one because you complained his breath smelled? Honestly, if he has any sense at all then he will see how ridiculous hes being. Just you wait.

[mad rabbits]

What I got from your post is you had a sense that because you did the right things someone should do that back for you. No disrespect but life doesn't work that way. That's the movies; this is real life. You have to look out for yourself first. I bet that can in your mailbox wasn't the first symptom of how he really felt about you.

[NightLily]

I think it was his way of saying " i think you are trash". that's how it made me feel anyway. Yes, he drinks way too much. So do I, so do most of my friends and my family. I guess its normal for me. I would like to cut back, and when I am alone, I never drink much. Only with him or my friends. It was a holiday weekend so he was drinking especially heavy.

 

You may very well be right. You know him better than any of us so he may actually send these sort of passive aggressive messages. As far as the drinking goes, it may be normal for you but it definitely isn't normal for me so I know things don't have to be that way. A lot of people who drink too much have issues and it can come with a lot of drama as we all know. You have probably seen what can come with it if you are around so many drinkers. Some people can drink without it becoming an issue but others, like your ex, do fit the "angry drunk" stereotype. He lashed out at you in a physical way and I hope you have no injuries. Maybe now that he is out of the picture you can ask yourself if you want your son to also see drunkeness as normal and if you want a guy like that again in the future.

[banal]

Hex is spot-on here.

 

Settling is one thing. You 'settle' for an uninspiring and milquetoast guy. A guy who doesn't make you feel butterflies. You don't 'settle' for someone this physically and emotionally abusive.

[Ms Darcy]

Hey lazy. Long time no see. Well, I told you to break up with this guy last year (and the year before I think). Anyway ... I'm sure it'll blow over and you two will get back together. It's certainly not healthy, but it's what you want.

 

Hope you are well.

[Ms Darcy]

What I got from your post is you had a sense that because you did the right things someone should do that back for you. No disrespect but life doesn't work that way. That's the movies; this is real life. You have to look out for yourself first. I bet that can in your mailbox wasn't the first symptom of how he really felt about you.

 

Nope ... this is a long running pattern with this guy.

[Ms Darcy]

Bingo. You're admitting you're settling. You've resigned yourself to being treated this way. You need to set your aim a bit higher, methinks.

 

Hex, no offense at all. LD has a long history of break up/make-up, he's not caring/trying enough history with this guy. I don't think she's ready to leave. She may never be ... it's been like this for YEARS.

[NightLily]

Hex, no offense at all. LD has a long history of break up/make-up, he's not caring/trying enough history with this guy. I don't think she's ready to leave. She may never be ... it's been like this for YEARS.

 

Maybe so but I don't see how these comments help her to get away from him.

[Ms Darcy]

She isn't going to get away from him. I'm just hoping she is well and is taking care of herself in the meantime. You can beat yourself to the ground trying to get someone to leave a toxic relationship. If they choose not to leave, you can be their friend.

[NightLily]

She isn't going to get away from him. I'm just hoping she is well and is taking care of herself in the meantime. You can beat yourself to the ground trying to get someone to leave a toxic relationship. If they choose not to leave, you can be their friend.

 

Yes I agree. After seeing your post I looked back on her thread history. Daisy, you have started multiple threads over the past few years breaking up with him. I hope this time it is for real.

[jinxers]

you are clearly not trash!!! you sound like a very respectable person and you gotta convince yourself "who cares what he thinks" but that attitude will come with

time but you somehow gotta not care what he thinks about you cause you sound like a great girl that hed be lucky to be with but he doesnt deserve you