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Ex wanting to spend the weekend with me but he has a new girlfriend!

sophiek

By sophiek
in Breaking Up Advice

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sophiek Newbie

sophiek

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Hello

I have found this forum very useful in helping me get over my ex. He broke up with me last year after 5 years together. We had a good relationship until year 3 when things went downhill. We argued ALL the time. Things were awful and although I was up for giving it another shot he wanted to call it a day. At first I went NC, then after about a month we met up for a drink. He told me he had already met someone else! I was devastated and tried to go NC again but to no avail. He said he wanted to stay friends and I relented and agreed though it was hard. I am now seeing a new guy and quite like him but I don't think we have a future together. Contact between myself and my ex is eratic, now and again. However he has just asked me if I would like to go to a weekend long event with him in two weeks time. Now I know he is still with his girlfriend so I wonder why he would suggest such a thing. I still harbour feelings for him and would love us to get back together but my head says 'move on'.

 

So I would like some advice, some insight into what he may be thinking/wanting . He's a loyal, faithful guy so friends with benefits (ie no strings sex) is really not his thing. Is he wanting to get back together or just see if he made a mistake? Please help! I don't know what to do!

 

Thanks

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sophiek Newbie

sophiek

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Uhh loyal and faithful isn't something you'd use to describe a guy who has a girlfriend and wants to spend a weekend with his ex. How are you even considering this? You both have someone new, although you shoulnt since you're nowhere near over your ex.

 

I'm seeing someone but it's not a serious relationship.

I think you are right, I shouldn't consider going but why would he ask me?

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HeartGoesOn Grand Master

HeartGoesOn

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So I would like some advice, some insight into what he may be thinking/wanting . He's a loyal, faithful guy so friends with benefits (ie no strings sex) is really not his thing. Is he wanting to get back together or just see if he made a mistake? Please help! I don't know what to do!

 

A "loyal and faithful guy" would not ask you to go away for a weekend, knowing that you're both in a relationship with others. He simply wants to have his cake and eat it too, which would lead to both of you cheating on your current partners.

 

If he feels that he wants to get back together, he would make that clear through communication, and not by a booty call offer.

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sophiek Newbie

sophiek

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Arrghhh you are all so right! Alarm bells rang when he asked me. Thing is he doesn't know I am seeing someone now. Do you think he may just want to spend time with me to talk about getting back together, or get to know me again? I won't sleep with him if I go away with him. No he really doesn't come accross as a loyal and faithful guy but he was when when were together. I felt I was over him until he asked me to go away with him.

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tresqua Rookie

tresqua

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Thanks butterfly. I am most likely not going to go but I just want to know why an ex would want to do such a thing. I will ask him if he's still with her or likely to be with her in two weeks.

 

It's sad that you would even consider it.

 

He dumped you and he has a girlfriend.

 

No one is more important than you are, never play "second fiddle" to anyone.

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donpeel83 Collaborator

donpeel83

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No one is more important than you are, never play "second fiddle" to anyone.

 

THis ^^ He probably isnt happy in the current relationship and now that he is so far removed from your break up he might be entertaining the thoughts of trying to make it work with you in his head. That being said, if he really does want to have another go at a relationship with you then he needs to do things the proper way and trying to arrange a secret rendevous (I call it secret as I bet his gf dosent know) with you is not the way to go.

 

It is clear from your posts and the tone you use that you still hold a torch for this guy. I understand that as I currently still hold a torch for my ex. However, the key is you need to look at this logically and even he is trying to explore the possibility of getting back with you, or if he just wants some cheap thrills because maybe you turn him on in ways his current gf cant? the fact is this situation is just wrong and dishonest. Be the better and bigger person and put on a brave face and tell him np. Dont even enter into "Negotiations" by asking if he is still with his gf or will he still be with her in 2 weeks. Just say no. By doing this his true motives will likely be more clearer too. Have faith xAx

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KatAstrophy1607308539 Rookie

KatAstrophy1607308539

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Tell him you have a new boyfriend and see if he respects that. Besides, you owe it to your current squeeze [whether you see a future with him or not] to let your ex know and to respect him enough not spend a weekend away with your ex without having first ended things with him.

 

Your ex may have a flexible arrangement with his girlfriend [assuming she indeed exists and wasn't a ploy to get you jealous] or there's nothing to it so he is neither loyal nor faithful to her.

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donpeel83 Collaborator

donpeel83

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Thank you. I think he is going about this the wrong way whatever his motives. I shall suggest a drink one evening instead maybe?

 

Personally, I wouldnt. Im not going to tell you "Move on, you deserve better" which you will hear allot here. SOmetimes, that is a cracking piece of advice, but if you still want something with this guy then let him come to you, let him make the moves. They say love can move a mountain and I think you need to appear that you have moved on with life and non-chalant with him and your past. This is just my thoughts IMO but I could be wrong xAx

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KatAstrophy1607308539 Rookie

KatAstrophy1607308539

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I shall suggest a drink one evening instead maybe?

 

Well, given you wanted to give the relationship another go and he didn't, it's up to him to make the move if he's changed his mind. Let him know his current suggestion for a weekend away is a no-go. I'd be reluctant to ask my ex [who dumped me] out for a drink, but I'd outright against the idea if he was in another relationship. Unless he makes it clear it's over with the new girl and he's realised you're the one for him...I'd just move on.

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sophiek Newbie

sophiek

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Thanks donpeel, I'll just decline the offer on the basis that he has a girlfriend, I won't mention my new partner as I really think it's too soon. We have only dated a couple of times and I don't think we're that compatible. And I won't suggest an alternative date either - seems desperate.

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donpeel83 Collaborator

donpeel83

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The other good thing about being non-chalant and not entering into negotiations with him as well is it will be a good way to tell if he is just being a grade A tool and looking to use you. Hopefully he isnt as 5 years is a hell of a long time to spend with someone. You just need to be strong and dont enter into a game with him as you will only get hurt. If you really hand on heart want something with him again, then make sure its on your terms xAx

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Madamdiva007 Collaborator

Madamdiva007

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Just leave him alone. I know you want to get back with him and you guys have a lot of history together, but he has a gf. That means he is off limits now. Don't go away with him for the weekend and don't suggest to meet up with him for a drink. I know you think that by spending time with him he might bring up getting back together, but honestly, if he wants to get back with you he will come to you and let you know.

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lavenderdove Enthusiast

lavenderdove

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The first question you should ask him if he asks you on a weekend is, 'do you still have a GF?' If he says, no, they broke up, then you might consider it if you want to get back together (but make sure you can verify he no longer is dating her).

 

If he says yes, he still has a GF, then you simply reply, 'i'm sorry, i don't feel comfortable going on a weekend with someone who has a GF.' That's all you need to say. He'll get the point that you're not open to being the 'other women' or a FWB hookup when his GF is not around.

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lovesforlife Explorer

lovesforlife

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My ex likewise asked for me to go away with him after we broke up (within weeks) and to the place we first met no less. He already had started seeing the girl he had met online and become friends with while we were off and on and I took the position that it did not make sense for us to go away if he just wanted to be friends. I said it would be too confusing. He kept insisting and I kept saying no to his offer of an undefined, boundary-less "friendship".

 

To be honest, I regret it. Looking back, I see that as my possible opportunity to show him that we could be together and have fun and have a fresh new start. I think I was thinking too much about his gf at the time and not listening to my heart and his. I had invested nearly ten years into him, she had not and I had practically raised a child with him, she had not - so I regret deferring to their "relationship" at that time.

 

If I could do it all again I would have gone with him and worked to build my new relationship with him. Now that opportunity is gone and may not come again. You only get one life. Not playing second fiddle some times means that someone else will have to.

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